The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So today I slipped..majorly! Long story short, a few months ago, we bought a fairly new car that had been in an accident, had it repaired by a "reliable" body shop and now are finding a bunch of things they didn't do right. So the estimate with the new body shop is $1700 and I just flipped! My AH was on teh phone with the repair shop and when he hung up all I could think to say was I told you so. (I had suggested we get a new car for a few $$$ more). So we got into this arguement..huge arguement over the darn car. And I'm trying to calm myself down during the whole thing and finally he says..Don't worry, I'm not gonna ask YOU for the $1700!. Mind you, money has NEVER been an issue in this house. And I just flipped all over again. He blamed me and I took it personally, he called me crazy and said he has no idea who I have become ( that's funny to me now, since I feel the same about him!)
Well anyway, after crying for over an hour, I went out with my 15 yr. old shopping for about an hour and when I got back, he wanted to talk to me. He said "I will rent a room and we can get a divorce" After having calmed down i was prooud of myself when I , responded "We're not having this conversation right now. You can tell me whatever you want in teh morning." he insisted and was following me around teh house and I said again "I will not have this conversation with you when you are drinking. You can tell me whatever you want when you are not drinking" Oh god he got so mad! it was funny to watch...but in the back of my mind I was feeling really good for fixing what I messed up earlier.
I know Alanon recommends doing the program for at least 6 months before making any decisions, but if he says he wants to move out I think I might say yes...In my mind it shouldn't feel like this is an easy decision. I've been doing so well with myself, but I really don't know if I can live with his drinking everyday. Sorry I just needed to vent/
I'm sooo sorry I actually smiled when I read your post if nothing else I have a big giant poc truck in my yard we'll add yours to my burn pile and burn baby burn. :) I'm just teasing.
Good for you for choosing not to engage. The guideline of 6 months is not about him it's about YOU. If he chooses to move out maybe that's what his HP is having him do at the moment. It's one of those things that you don't have to make any decisions regarding what's next and maybe you both need space. I don't know .. you'll figure it out in the AM when you both get a good nights sleep. :)
Hugs again, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Slips are acceptable! It is progress not perfection. We are all work in progress. I've heard those lines from my AH. My response is always, "leave, who is stopping you." Ha ha ha. There is no right or wrong way to respond. Today, my AH stopped making threats he does not intend to carry out. Peace and keep coming back.
Wow--you should be really proud of yourself for not re-acting. If I had been able to handle it like that, my AH might still be here. We had a different but similar enough incident and he left 3 days ago. I am driving myself crazy beating myself up thinking about how I reacted. I am afraid this it really it. You are proof that there is another way and maybe from now on I can be better. Thank you and good luck.
Thanks guys! I am working sooo hard. This morning AH said If I am tired of him and he annoys me so much he'll move if I want him to.
I said "You are the owner of your actions. You are responsible for what you do and if you choose to leave I won't stop you"
Wow, now I understand a little better "the program works if you work it"..he was so mad he slammed the door and left to get another estimate. Then he called and apologized and I just listened. I feel good that I didn't react this morning. haha :) I am workin it baby!
Go go go, work that program :) Good for you!! :) Funny how things change when we just make a simple choice. It's a hard choice in some ways to stop a previous behavior however it works. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Odalis, it sounds like you are learning a lot and learning pretty fast too. When you say you slipped though, you can minimize the damage by making an ammends as fast as possible. That is the 10th step. This may tone down some of the arguing you are going through and the tit for tat stuff. If you really thought you slipped, then the ammends would be "Sorry I overreacted about the car. I trust you to handle it" or "We will figure it out." This would stop arguments from progressing into discussions about divorce all the time (maybe). Anyhow, just wanted to throw in how the steps could address this.
Of course if you relationship with your husband is at a point of tension where the love is just not there any more, that is another story.
Odalis thank you for sharing. You're helping who knows how many people, including me, by venting, as you say. No apology required for that! It's helpful to read about struggles, whether you slip and fall or stand tall. Forgive yourself for the slips. You aren't a robot.
Alcoholics flee from their feelings by using alcohol but their loved ones' feelings remain wounded and unmedicated. Writing about your journey here seems to me to be a healthy way to manage your emotional turmoil and anxiety when you slip.
I've heard the same tune from my AH for years about divorce. In my marriage it's always been a bluff and one way he protects his alcohol/drug addiction.
Congratulations for responding rather than reacting to your H the morning following the huge argument. I loved reading about how you found it funny that he got so mad. That shows how you're able to step outside of the insanity and see the humor in the craziness. Keep in touch. Much love to you.
