My alcoholic fiancee and I seperated in July, he relapsed, but has returned to AA and has 60 days sober. We started talking again about 3 weeks ago by phone, but have not seen each other because I moved to MS to volunteer with the Katrina relief work. We are still very much in love, and want very much for our relationship to work. He is very remorseful for the hurt he caused by his relapse. He is going to come out ot MS to see me, a n 8 hour drive, in a couple of weeks. My problem is my adult daughter who has told me that it is him or her, that I had to chose between them. She told me that she would have nothing to do with me and I would not be allowed to see the new baby if I continued to talk to him or see him. I realize he was very unpleasent toward her while he was drinking, but he has written her asking for forgiveness, and apologising for all he did or said.  I have forgiven him, so what do I do now? Do I let my daughter control my life? Do I return to the man I love, with hopes she will find forgiveness? Any thoughts greatly appreciated

I am so sorry to hear about the pressure your adult daughter is bringing on you, and quite frankly, also appalled!

How controlling she is!  Even though I believe she is motivated by love and concern that is no way to go about showing it.

I too have an adult daughter and I have taught her that people we love make mistakes...and that WE DO TO...and it is important to be as loving and kind to others as we want others to be to us when we make our mistakes.

I would NEVER EVER allow my daughter to give me an ultimatum.  I would simply tell her that I will make my own decisions and that if she can't accept them, then she will have to suffer the consequences.  Don't ever forget that this is a two way street, she will be missing out AND her baby will too as much as you will be.

If you give in then that will be a HORRIBLE lesson to teach her, that she can control those she loves with threats to cut off loving family contact.  If you give in what will be next?  You will have gotten to know your grandbaby and will be at her mercy, she will threaten you with cutting you off everytime you do something she does not like.

What a SICK family dynamic that will make!  Do you really want your grandbaby to be around that?

I would tell my dauhgter that it was time she learned that family love is nothing to be bargained with or used as a threat but is instead a blessing that some people don't have due to deaths etc. many grown daughters would give anything to have a loving mom to talk to and have help with a new baby.

If she does not like your boyfriend/fiancee/possible husband than fine, tell her you respect that.  Tell her she does NOT have to be around him and that   you will respect her right to not have her baby around him either, that if you want to see the baby you will go to her house without your mate.  Be prepared to do that too, without any pressure for her to learn to accept your mate.  She has that right to not be around him or have her family around him...but that does not need to impact your relationship with your daugther and grandaughter.

If you can't accept the fact that your daughter does not want to be around your fiancee and probably does not want her baby to be around him and that it will lead to ackward moments for you  then maybe YOU need to reconsider.

Just my ESH in dealing with my own rather bossy adult daughter, LOL, whom I have had to work hard to put her back in her place, lovingly.

Isabela

thanks so much for your comments, you totally validated how I feel about the situation. I know I cannot allow my daughter to control my life, and if I do then I am just giving her all my power, and ultimately it is I who will be the unhappy one. 

She is also very controlling with her fiance, she jumped all over him Sunday for wanting to go to a wrestling match with a friend, told him he could nt go, and she is very critical of everyone.  I feel sorry for him!  I have written her a letter, explaining how I feel, and suggested she attend ala-non but I do not know if she will.

 

It is just very sad because she can not see the damage she is doing to her relationships. It seems she has always been like this, very controlling, demanding, expecting everyone to do what she wants them to.

I can respect her wishes not ot be around my fiancee, or have the baby around him, that is her right, just as it is my right to be with who I want to be with.  It is also my right not to be verbally abused by my daughter, yelled at, threatned, or have her yel at my other 10 year old son.

I may have made mistakes but I still deserve to be treated with respect. Thanks for your support 

Verenda,

My eldest tried this with me a long time ago, only she was talking about her step dad. I told her that she is trying to selfishly manipulate what she wants. She isn't powerful enough to pick my partners or require me to live my life alone at her bidding.

nuff said,
Christy

hello Verenda , having to choose between a daughter , grand daughter or the man u love. I sure hope your attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself. I agree your daughter is only concerned about your happiness but no one has the right to tell u how to live your life or with who.

People who don't live with alcoholism just don't understand so sharring with them is tricky,and non productive. If u choose to have a life with the gentleman explain to your daughter that u understand her fears and reasure her that u are getting  help in this prog  and ask her to support your decission to return to the relationship. Stop telling her what is going on talk to Al-Anon members who totally understand your situation and do not judge your decissions.

Your b/f has apologized for his behavior there is not much more he can do . Your daughter has chosen to not accept his apology ,nothing ucan do about that either. You have a right to be happy , goodluck   Louise

 Yeah, that's not fair. I would tell your daughter that your sorry for the way that she feels and that you acknowledge that she doesn't want you to get hurt again (I'm hoping that's at the root of this insanity--who would ever put someone they love in such a position?!), but that making you be in a compromising position is unfair and unkind. That you love your ex fiancee and her very much and that you hope in the future you can all get along. But if future decisions involve "Me or Him" such things...I hurt for you all, dear.

I have had a friend do these ultimatums to me a number of times.  I no longer am devastated by them. It did mean that I had to put the friendship on hold a lot.  The irony is that they don't answer to those same ultimatums. 

I am glad that you can voice your own no.  I am not sure how you live whether your daughter is present in your current living situation.

I know this kind of stuff would often propel me towards the A though. I would feel very defensive about them. I hope you don't allow yourself to be swayed either way. Whatever you choose should not be through an ultimatum.

Maresie.

Going through the same thing. My marriage came to a messy end 10 years ago. He just walked out one day. After 10 years we have reconnected and have been working through what happened which had a lot to do with my daughter. I love her more than anything but she's an entitled brat and a bully. Throughout the marriage she did anything and everything to disrupt peace in our home. When I told her at 13 she would NOT be running around with an 18 year old boy in his truck, for that matter she would not be running around in ANY boys vehicle at 13.... This was the beginning. She convinced the boys mother to take her to the police and make a complaint against me and step dad for child abuse.. After being investigated we were cleared but it didn't help the marriage. Her drama finally bought her a weeks vacation at the juvenile center because the police and social services were tired of her BS. First let me say I never hit her with anything but my open hand. Never in the face and never repeatedly. I spanked her always aimed for her backside and usually ended up hurting myself instead. When she got to be around 10, I guit doing that and moved on to more mature discipline like restrictions. Of course she has rewritten history and embellished it so to people who aren't familiar I sound like a major POS. Due to a recent divorce (more of the same behavior on her part) I had to move in with her temporarily. I live in her garage pay her 500 a month, buy all the groceries and household supplies. I cook, clean, do her laundry and anything else I can do to help. So I recently reconnected with her step father who I still love. I found out he only lives 134 miles away. I plan to go and visit him this weekend because he is alone 77 and encountering some health issues. We haven't planned anything further. Just talked a lot on the phone the last couple months. Her reaction to just visiting him was to tell me she is done with me if I go. To makes plans to get out of her house. I do not yell back at her even if the tears are running down my face. She goes into tirades about what an awful and abusive mother I was. If I say anything in defense her husband who really has no clue gets into the mix and they gang up on me basically tearing me down to the ground name calling, threatening, watching me sit quietly and take it. I raised her alone until she was 12 with NO support from anyone. It was really hard and I struggled. As you can imagine, this very hurtful. Since I told her several days ago they've stopped speaking to me. They've stopped calling me out of the garage for dinner, (I stopped the cooking and cleaning given that attitude), I'm tired of being bullied by her. I'm getting out of her house and where we go from here is anybodys guess. Going forward, next time she gets in a jam, guess who won't be throwing out the lifeline. I'm 70 years old and don't have a lot of years left. I feel like I have given her enough and YES I will be going to visit my ex this weekend. .

Good luck with the ex. Check out senior housing in areas you might like to live. Some of it is quite nice. You shouldn't have to take abuse any longer. Enough is enough. Best, Lyne