I have two sons ages 18 and 20. Both of them smoke marijuna. My older son is in jail and going to prison most likely for a few years. My younger son just graduated but definitely is addicted to marijuana. My husband had been sober from alcohol and marijuana for 20 years with about 4 relapses between those years. He just recently had another relapse with marijuana. To say I was shocked is an understatement! He had been doing it for a week and a half and then acted like it was my behavior that was the problem and yet I was just sensing something was off and then I found out he was using again. I have been so so mad. He luckily has not done it for a week now because I told him I will not live like that. I told him my boundary and used the alanon tools I have learned. I told him that having our two sons using and them him also is just not ok with me. It was only a matter of time until he started drinking and also probably flirting with women. When he is sober he is amazing, kind, present and he had worked his AA program for years and we were a power couple. He missed his wed night meeting last night and has not reached out to anyone in AA, but he says he plans on it - he just needs to deal with some heavy office stress ect... My sponsor once told me that you can see that someone is in Recovery because they have a personality change and I totally agree. I do believe that he has had a lot of trauma because of what our oldest son did and it was terrible. But at the same time - I need to take care of me and when he had his relapse it made me SO aware of how much I depend on him to feel ok with life. It scared me so so bad because I realized that I just cannot live with more addicted people in my life. My husband was very surprised that I told him I might seperate from him if he kept using. I don't want to throw away 21 years of a mostly amazing marriage and yet - my spirit cannot handle my husband on substances. Is it wrong of me to be so black and white about the fact that if he drinks or uses marijuana I am not living like that? I told him that I feel like his recovery should be #1 right now. He agrees and then says that he is going to get into his program soon. I do believe he is sober now. I am just exhausted and I still cannot believe I am even writing this because I have been in alanon for 11 years and just did not expect this. It was crazy the major gas lighting he did to me when he was using - it made me feel CRAZY! and question myself. come to find out....he was using. I still feel mad at him but trying to forgive. Thanks for listening and I so welcome any ES&H! <3
Lyne said
Jun 14, 2024
Hello again Summer. I am happy to give you my ESH. Addicts/alcoholics can be wonderful, intelligent, lovable people. It is the disease I hate, not the person.
Holding onto anger, as well as criticizing ourselves, is not helpful. It just hurts us and makes us feel worse. I found as I let go of the anger, stopped bashing myself, and worked on letting go, letting God, I felt so much better!
Some people stay with their alcoholics and some people don't. It is a very personal and difficult decision. I have been with my spouse for 32 years. It is only in the last year that AA and a sponsor has been accepted. I also live half time away near my son and his family. That has been a tremendously helpful situation.
I have 13 years in alanon. Any of us can have a crisis that brings us to our knees and we fall backwards. But we can get up again. We are only human. :)
sunmustshine said
Jun 15, 2024
Hi Summer44,
You sound like you are aware of your boundaries. Great show of strength requesting those around you respect your boundaries.
We who have been affected by someone elses drinking can have hope sharing in the ESH of others who have been where we are. Focusing on ourselves and the higher power of our understanding, instead of the alcoholic, brings peace and light. Be gentle with yourself. What is the next right thing to do for you? The most freeing and helpful part of Alanon for me are the 3Cs. I didnt cause it, I cant control it and I cant cure it. Turn it over to God.
((((Hugs))))
StargazerLily said
Jun 21, 2024
When my husband is in his addiction I describe it as "acting in service to your addiction". There was a time he was not allowed in my home while acting in service to his addiction. That was a boundary. It included things like gaslighting and lying. While he was in my home he had to be acting in service to me, our family and our home. This included things like mowing the lawn, fixing things around the house and doing recovery work. If he was not doing things of this nature he was not allowed in my home. And I did claim the home as mine. Not every situation calls for such boundaries but mine did.
Boundaries are the place from which I can love me and you at the same time.
I believe my boundaries saved his life at the time. Though I didn't know that and that certainly wasn't my goal. My goal was to create safety for myself in my home.
I have two sons ages 18 and 20. Both of them smoke marijuna. My older son is in jail and going to prison most likely for a few years. My younger son just graduated but definitely is addicted to marijuana. My husband had been sober from alcohol and marijuana for 20 years with about 4 relapses between those years. He just recently had another relapse with marijuana. To say I was shocked is an understatement! He had been doing it for a week and a half and then acted like it was my behavior that was the problem and yet I was just sensing something was off and then I found out he was using again. I have been so so mad. He luckily has not done it for a week now because I told him I will not live like that. I told him my boundary and used the alanon tools I have learned. I told him that having our two sons using and them him also is just not ok with me. It was only a matter of time until he started drinking and also probably flirting with women. When he is sober he is amazing, kind, present and he had worked his AA program for years and we were a power couple.
He missed his wed night meeting last night and has not reached out to anyone in AA, but he says he plans on it - he just needs to deal with some heavy office stress ect...
My sponsor once told me that you can see that someone is in Recovery because they have a personality change and I totally agree. I do believe that he has had a lot of trauma because of what our oldest son did and it was terrible.
But at the same time - I need to take care of me and when he had his relapse it made me SO aware of how much I depend on him to feel ok with life. It scared me so so bad because I realized that I just cannot live with more addicted people in my life. My husband was very surprised that I told him I might seperate from him if he kept using. I don't want to throw away 21 years of a mostly amazing marriage and yet - my spirit cannot handle my husband on substances. Is it wrong of me to be so black and white about the fact that if he drinks or uses marijuana I am not living like that?
I told him that I feel like his recovery should be #1 right now. He agrees and then says that he is going to get into his program soon. I do believe he is sober now. I am just exhausted and I still cannot believe I am even writing this because I have been in alanon for 11 years and just did not expect this.
It was crazy the major gas lighting he did to me when he was using - it made me feel CRAZY! and question myself. come to find out....he was using.
I still feel mad at him but trying to forgive.
Thanks for listening and I so welcome any ES&H! <3
Holding onto anger, as well as criticizing ourselves, is not helpful. It just hurts us and makes us feel worse. I found as I let go of the anger, stopped bashing myself, and worked on letting go, letting God, I felt so much better!
Some people stay with their alcoholics and some people don't. It is a very personal and difficult decision. I have been with my spouse for 32 years. It is only in the last year that AA and a sponsor has been accepted. I also live half time away near my son and his family. That has been a tremendously helpful situation.
I have 13 years in alanon. Any of us can have a crisis that brings us to our knees and we fall backwards. But we can get up again. We are only human. :)
When my husband is in his addiction I describe it as "acting in service to your addiction". There was a time he was not allowed in my home while acting in service to his addiction. That was a boundary. It included things like gaslighting and lying. While he was in my home he had to be acting in service to me, our family and our home. This included things like mowing the lawn, fixing things around the house and doing recovery work. If he was not doing things of this nature he was not allowed in my home. And I did claim the home as mine. Not every situation calls for such boundaries but mine did.
Boundaries are the place from which I can love me and you at the same time.
I believe my boundaries saved his life at the time. Though I didn't know that and that certainly wasn't my goal. My goal was to create safety for myself in my home.