Hello, I did not grow up with an alcoholic. My husband of one year is an alcoholic and its taken me some time to fully understand and accept this. I have known for some time that my words, my emotions, my stress and pain due to his drinking - although real and valid - are not helping him and are making me feel stuck. It is very hard for me to let go of communicating all of these things to him because he is kind and thoughtful and my best friend and the person (on good days) that I feel closest to. I want to feel that way all the time and accepting that I cannot is so sad. I often feel like if I can explain to him how I'm doing then he would understand and want to change. I find myself being able to let go and accept but then once I'm face to face with him or on the phone there is a part of me that wants to show him that he is hurting me. I know that in other relationships or even other topics with my husband and I can express these things and there can be resolution and accepting that this cannot happen about alcohol with an alcoholic is hard. I know that I am not alone here. I guess my main question and fear is that as I detach...how do we remain close or can we not? How can I hide my hurt from him and feel authentic. We are not in the kind of relationship that I will stay in if things don't get better...I don't know how long or when that would be or where my breaking point is but it feels closer every day. I know that when he hears me say that I am with him and love him that his fears and depression alleviate somewhat and I get confused about whether that is me enabling him or just being loving and compassionate. I'm not lying, those things are true but I do find myself working so so so hard to repair our relationship after he drinks. He tells me that the days of arguing after his drinking are so unhelpful for him and he tries to do this without putting blame on me or accusing me of being a trigger. But when he feels alone, or that nothing he does matters and so he might as well drink and drink then he will. I find myself getting all ready to do all that I can to help him potentially get to a place where he will make the decision to get healthy and I am so so afraid that he won't because eventually that will mean I can't be in this relationship anymore. I even went to a meeting today for the first time for myself but also potentially to give him a fighting chance of having the freedom in his life to make a different decision....but is that all still control and manipulation? Anyways. Maybe these are unanswerable and maybe not. I'm not interested in a higher power in my life. I've been there and it wasn't more damaging than anything else. I have good friends, I am smart and kind and I am doing my best. I don't want to feel the sharp painful bouts of anxiety that I have been feeling and am pretty desperate to find peace...of course I believe that if he would stop drinking then we would have peace. Can I still believe that and let go? Can I ask him what his goals are or is that overstepping? Can I ask him what things he wants to be different because he has said that he wants things to be different or is that outside of my box. On the bookmark at in the welcome to Al Anon pamphlet it says to stay calm, dress nice, speak softly and do not let on that anything bothers you....can someone tell me why? Why is that important? It does bother me and so is this advice for my own brain or for my husband? Because I want to help him. I want to take away anything I am doing that is getting in the way if his health...and I blame myself everytime I criticism or have a disapproving look...so I resonate with the statement on the bookmark but I don't fully understand why.
Thank you
-- Edited by tryingtounderstand on Thursday 14th of December 2023 04:50:55 PM
Lyne said
Dec 16, 2023
Hello there. Will respond to your email over the weekend. Lyne :)
Lyne said
Dec 17, 2023
Hello there. The only way an alcoholic will get help is if they decide they want it. I tried everything for years and nothing ever worked. Alanon is more than having a higher power. It helps us recover from the damage alcoholism has done to us. You can get help for yourself. I did not see the damage done to me until my grown son told me for the umpteenth time, I needed help. I resented him for saying that, but guess what, he was right. I now have 12 years in alanon and I am happier, have more self-esteem, and I'm still with my alcoholic. Just recently my spouse has begun AA. Alanon is the only way I know that can help us recover. In our opening or closing, it says to take what you like and leave the rest. Many people cannot connect with the higher power aspect, and that 's OK. It's suggested that you find something that you feel is greater than yourself. It can be the ocean or the universe or a sunset. You can find help and recovery for you if you are willing to accept that the relationship is damaging you. I hope you will find a path that works for you. Lyne :)
Hello, I did not grow up with an alcoholic. My husband of one year is an alcoholic and its taken me some time to fully understand and accept this. I have known for some time that my words, my emotions, my stress and pain due to his drinking - although real and valid - are not helping him and are making me feel stuck. It is very hard for me to let go of communicating all of these things to him because he is kind and thoughtful and my best friend and the person (on good days) that I feel closest to. I want to feel that way all the time and accepting that I cannot is so sad. I often feel like if I can explain to him how I'm doing then he would understand and want to change. I find myself being able to let go and accept but then once I'm face to face with him or on the phone there is a part of me that wants to show him that he is hurting me. I know that in other relationships or even other topics with my husband and I can express these things and there can be resolution and accepting that this cannot happen about alcohol with an alcoholic is hard. I know that I am not alone here. I guess my main question and fear is that as I detach...how do we remain close or can we not? How can I hide my hurt from him and feel authentic. We are not in the kind of relationship that I will stay in if things don't get better...I don't know how long or when that would be or where my breaking point is but it feels closer every day. I know that when he hears me say that I am with him and love him that his fears and depression alleviate somewhat and I get confused about whether that is me enabling him or just being loving and compassionate. I'm not lying, those things are true but I do find myself working so so so hard to repair our relationship after he drinks. He tells me that the days of arguing after his drinking are so unhelpful for him and he tries to do this without putting blame on me or accusing me of being a trigger. But when he feels alone, or that nothing he does matters and so he might as well drink and drink then he will. I find myself getting all ready to do all that I can to help him potentially get to a place where he will make the decision to get healthy and I am so so afraid that he won't because eventually that will mean I can't be in this relationship anymore. I even went to a meeting today for the first time for myself but also potentially to give him a fighting chance of having the freedom in his life to make a different decision....but is that all still control and manipulation? Anyways. Maybe these are unanswerable and maybe not. I'm not interested in a higher power in my life. I've been there and it wasn't more damaging than anything else. I have good friends, I am smart and kind and I am doing my best. I don't want to feel the sharp painful bouts of anxiety that I have been feeling and am pretty desperate to find peace...of course I believe that if he would stop drinking then we would have peace. Can I still believe that and let go? Can I ask him what his goals are or is that overstepping? Can I ask him what things he wants to be different because he has said that he wants things to be different or is that outside of my box. On the bookmark at in the welcome to Al Anon pamphlet it says to stay calm, dress nice, speak softly and do not let on that anything bothers you....can someone tell me why? Why is that important? It does bother me and so is this advice for my own brain or for my husband? Because I want to help him. I want to take away anything I am doing that is getting in the way if his health...and I blame myself everytime I criticism or have a disapproving look...so I resonate with the statement on the bookmark but I don't fully understand why.
Thank you
-- Edited by tryingtounderstand on Thursday 14th of December 2023 04:50:55 PM