I really just needed somewhere to at least vent out some of what I have been experiencing with my live in girlfriend since we have moved in together the beginning of this month. We had been casually dating up until about October of last year. Then she disappeared on me and I thought she was just ghosting me. Turns out she did a month long stint in rehab and reached out to me in November to apologize and to let me know she was okay. Well as okay as someone who is a long time alcoholic can be. I honestly even at the time didn't fully understand the struggles she was facing. To me she was still this whimsical, sweet, caring woman that I fell in love with over the year. We began talking on a daily basis and that did seem to help. At least from my surface view of things. She was good at hiding any major relapses.
Skip ahead to March and she was starting to really have a tough time just getting through the day. She had a major tragedy last year losing a beloved friend, and also has some mental health issues she works with medications to try and control. So it definitely is a lot for one person to handle. The last time we were together she was really bad. Already very intoxicated when we met, drinking mouthwash it was not good. She then called me late in the night during that week and said she felt like ending it all. I was crushed, felt helpless but wanted to be there for her. Another person who tries to also be there for her when they can checked her into a hospital to get help. She went back into rehab and asked me if I could be there for her in a more direct way by moving in together. She lives in the city, I live about 90 minutes north of that and figured such a change of scenery could maybe help in her recovery. She was gung ho about it and we spoke a little bit everyday. She was very excited to start this new chapter of her life with me...or so I thought.
We moved in May 1st and any little hiccups I chalked it up to just needing to get through that adjustment period. I myself had to adjust when I moved up so I understand that part. But the change seems to have been to much for her to want to deal with. Before the end of the week she was back to drinking heavily and was not happy and letting me know it as bluntly as possible. It was a scary moment for me because she never came at me that way before. Even if she was a bit intoxicated I never was the recipient of any anger. It was not something I enjoyed and was a wreck. She apologized for it the next day and went to a few meetings over the next few days in person and online. But again was still going back to the drink.
The 2nd week we finally had an open and as honest as she can be conversation about her feelings and how she hated being here and needed to move back to the city. I was very understanding but part of me knows that probably is the worst thing she can do. Things did improve and she seemed to be okay. She started looking for rooms and was optimistic. Until last night. She seemed to have a good day looking for rooms but I didn't hear from her until it began to get later. She had been staying the past two days with someone she met in AA. A woman who she told me is dead set about staying sober and getting her life back on track. So I figured well that's a good person to be around. She was drinking all night and missed the last train home. She eventually wound up getting what had to be a very expensive taxi ride back to our apartment. She wasn't abusive like the week before but still it's not healthy to be doing this type of stuff. When she sobers up she admits to it saying I know it's bad/wrong to do what I do. But she says she can't stop. 1 Drink leads to an unmeasurable amount more until she just is too tired to go on. So she does seem to have some self awareness but it's still pretty horrible.
At this point I feel a lot of feelings. Sadness is a major one because I do truly love her but also I feel like she just doesn't care about me at all. Has even said to me I can't give you the support you need and again acknowledges the error of that way of being. But still continues to do this. I really wanted to try to help her improve. Did a ton of reading about alcoholism and try to understand it's not all her fault. But at the end of the day I just feel like a stupid person who is letting themselves now be taken advantage of by someone I thought truly loved me. It's a tough pill to swallow. I do not want to just kick her out without at least a new place to live but everyday this goes on my insides are a wreck. I barely slept last night and woke up throwing up bile this morning from the amount of stress this is putting on my body. And the worst part is the woman I want to care...doesn't. This is probably the worst I have felt in a relationship. I never thought I would be abused this way by someone who I have shared so many good moments with. But here we are. Heaven help us...
DM2021 said
May 14, 2023
Welcome to MIP NewRomantics and am equally sorry for your troubles and sadness.
You made the right decision to seek the help of Al-Anon and if you could find a local group to join
it would be very helpful to have that one to one assistance and support.
I echo what Tiredtonite expressed to you above and hope you continue to let us know how
you are doing.
I also live with an active drinker for over 20 years so I can attest to you that Al-Anon does
work. You learn to take care of you and let the drinker make their own decisions while
giving support by not interfering or fighting. I learned to channel my anxiety about what
the drinker was doing towards taking care of me.
Enigmatic said
May 16, 2023
Hey New, welcome.
Unfortunately, so many things in your share resonated with memories of my life and experience with a loved one who I did not know struggled with alcohol. The devastation in their life, then in mine as I tried desperately to help the wonderful person trapped inside of a hideous, cruel cycle of hope, slippage, destruction and despair.
For the first time in my life, I could not make sense of things, could not help this person hold to what they stated they wanted: start a life together with me. I tried everything I could and met only eventual defeat, until my own feeling of loss and desperation grew to a point of being willing to try anything.
A service worker suggested that I look into Alanon, which at the time I thought was the same program as AA with different branding. I didn't like groups, doubted that others could understand what I was going through, certainly that they could help, but I was desperate.
I found a group, overcame my hesitancy and showed up at a meeting and listened. What I heard was others sharing stories that often had key features of what I was living. More importantly, I heard some simple ideas and universally applicable concepts that rang true and were immediately helpful in resetting my perspective.
I feel for you and where you are in your journey...regardless of where you go from here, know that you are not alone in this experience, others have been there and found hope. Many of these have also found their way to ALanon, and I highly recommend you at least check it out. The perspective and tools I found there have helped me immeasurably in that specific situation and really, in all areas of my life.
Glad you found us, thank you for sharing your experience, you are always welcome here
texas yankee said
May 16, 2023
Those of us that live with, or have lived with an alcoholic, completely understand - when we were new to Al Anon we had many of the same feelings, emotions, and experiences - it can be a difficult road to walk on - and even for a more experienced person in Al Anon, things can get easier, but they're never easy. It'd be nice if someone here or in an Al Anon meeting could sit ya down and tell you "Here's what ya need to do . . . . " - but that's not the way Al Anon works - we can share our experience, strength, and hope with you, but no one in Al Anon should ever tell you what to do, aside from suggesting that you go to an Al Anon meeting, call a fellow member, or call your sponsor. I don't know your friend, but it sounds like she doesn't like where she is as far as alcohol - deep down inside when they have moments of clarity, I believe that most alcoholics don't like where they are, but unfortunately, when they are "active", alcoholism has control of many if not most aspects of their lives. You'll learn that while you feel frustrated, and perhaps may feel the need to "guilt" the alcoholic into getting sober because of what she's doing to herself and what she's doing to you, Al Anon tells us that there's nothing you can say or do to make the alcoholic feel worse than they already feel - but, just like us, they are "powerless over alcohol". And because we're powerless over alcohol (and the alcoholic), you'll learn that "helping" means something different with an alcoholic than it does in the rest of the world - sometimes, it turns into enabling, where we end up taking on responsibilities for the alcoholic that they should be doing for themselves - and that's not good for us or for them.
A few suggestions:
try going to a few Al Anon meetings - you'll find a friendly, receptive group of folks with similar problems who are going to Al Anon not "for the alcoholic but because of the alcoholic" - they're going to Al Anon to take better care of themselves
pick up a copy of "How Al Anon Works" - it's a great way to jump start your relationship with Al Anon and get more familiar with how the program works, the main ideas, and some of the terminology
try going to an open AA meeting - listening to AA speakers is a great way to learn how alcoholics think, what drives them, and ultimately, that if they do stop drinking, it's a decision that he\she and only he\she can make.
keep reading and posting here - there's a wealth of knowledge and experience and comfort here.
We care - keep coming back.
serenity47 said
May 19, 2023
If love could save any addict then none of us would be here. The best thing I ever did for myself was seek out support for me. i spent far to long and way to much energy trying to |help" another person whom frankly did not want my help at that time.
QTIP- Quit taking it personally. This is hard, I know but in reality, her behaviour, has nothing at all to do with you. When the drug of choice comes onboard nothing else matters except that. It does not matter if it is alcohol or other drugs. All promises to do better, be better etc fall to the wayside again and again. This is not a lack of love for you it is simply the disease at work.
You are not alone. I encourage you to seek out some meetings. There you will find people who understand and can help you.
NewRomantics said
May 21, 2023
Wanted to circle back to this post since it's been a week.
I appreciate the kind words and support my post received.
My girlfriend has decided it is best for her to move back to NYC and has decided on taking a room there. I feel I kind of accelerated that decision as the room is not one she was 100% in on. But this past week she went down to the city on WED and wound up staying down there until THU. I assume she stayed at a friends place. She told me she would be home THU afternoon to pick her up from the train. Time goes by and around 7pm I text her when does she think she would be getting back. She wound up at a town 40 minutes south of where we live and at a bar. IDK how much she had drank but it was pretty obvious she had been drinking throughout the day until I finally came to pick her up.
She is also bipolar and had not taken her mood stabilizing meds so that also did not help. For the most part the ride home was okay. But it's a good 40 minute ride and as it wore on she became angrier with me, her life situation, and living so far away from her beloved city life. It wasn't as bad as past instances but it was not a good experience. I expressed to her the next day how this was tearing me apart physically and emotionally. She accused me of enabling her drinking and said maybe if she was afraid of me she wouldn't come home drunk. Inside my head that really pissed me off. But as we talked throughout the day she apologized and said she didn't mean to say that. She obviously is just looking to blame everyone but herself. A good friend of mine who I have confided in about this scoffed how it's not my address that is making her do this, it's her way of coping and she is an addict.
She is most likely going to be moving out this week. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. I do not feel this will help solve any of her problems as she kind of thinks it will. She is using the move to the city as an excuse to be closer to her doctors for things. In honesty to me it feels like she just wants to go back to her normal routine of being close enough to a bar to walk home and not be stuck trying to get back to the suburbs. She has told me how she has felt homeless recently which hurts because I have completely changed my life around to try to help her feel loved, supported, and appreciated. It's pretty clear she doesn't want that. I do not know where this relationship will go now. She has said in her few sober moments the past few weeks she still loves me and wants to be with me. But I guess time will tell.
It's not all bad though. Up to this point I was back living with my parents and this gave me a reason to finally venture out on my own in terms of living for the first time in 5 years. So for every rainy stormy day there is a glimmer of sunlight that peaks through the gloom. I do hope this move will help her try to get back on the straighter path. I know it's not going to be easy and she will need to fight hard to accomplish the things she wants to in life.
DM2021 said
May 21, 2023
Thanks for stopping by to let us know how you are doing NewRomantics. Just to let you know, I get the same
statement from the alcoholic I live with, that he is unloved and unappreciated. I learned that statements like
that tend to be said to manipulate, because alcoholism is a very cunning disease. Sounds like you are ready
to let her go and hope that you have found a local Al-Anon chapter to attend, because it is really helpful to
have local support. I commend you for your progress!!!
Enigmatic said
May 23, 2023
New,
Thanks for the update, and love 'for every rainy stormy day there is a glimmer of sunlight'...so very true, and when we look for it we can always find it.
The road back for alcoholics is very seldom a straight one, and for loved ones it can be heartbreaking at times. Hopeful always, but understanding the incredible power of addiction that can move people to self-destructive actions and paths.
Good to hear your focus on your own path, keep up the good work! The best thing you can do for her is become a stronger, more spiritually grounded you.
I really just needed somewhere to at least vent out some of what I have been experiencing with my live in girlfriend since we have moved in together the beginning of this month. We had been casually dating up until about October of last year. Then she disappeared on me and I thought she was just ghosting me. Turns out she did a month long stint in rehab and reached out to me in November to apologize and to let me know she was okay. Well as okay as someone who is a long time alcoholic can be. I honestly even at the time didn't fully understand the struggles she was facing. To me she was still this whimsical, sweet, caring woman that I fell in love with over the year. We began talking on a daily basis and that did seem to help. At least from my surface view of things. She was good at hiding any major relapses.
Skip ahead to March and she was starting to really have a tough time just getting through the day. She had a major tragedy last year losing a beloved friend, and also has some mental health issues she works with medications to try and control. So it definitely is a lot for one person to handle. The last time we were together she was really bad. Already very intoxicated when we met, drinking mouthwash it was not good. She then called me late in the night during that week and said she felt like ending it all. I was crushed, felt helpless but wanted to be there for her. Another person who tries to also be there for her when they can checked her into a hospital to get help. She went back into rehab and asked me if I could be there for her in a more direct way by moving in together. She lives in the city, I live about 90 minutes north of that and figured such a change of scenery could maybe help in her recovery. She was gung ho about it and we spoke a little bit everyday. She was very excited to start this new chapter of her life with me...or so I thought.
We moved in May 1st and any little hiccups I chalked it up to just needing to get through that adjustment period. I myself had to adjust when I moved up so I understand that part. But the change seems to have been to much for her to want to deal with. Before the end of the week she was back to drinking heavily and was not happy and letting me know it as bluntly as possible. It was a scary moment for me because she never came at me that way before. Even if she was a bit intoxicated I never was the recipient of any anger. It was not something I enjoyed and was a wreck. She apologized for it the next day and went to a few meetings over the next few days in person and online. But again was still going back to the drink.
The 2nd week we finally had an open and as honest as she can be conversation about her feelings and how she hated being here and needed to move back to the city. I was very understanding but part of me knows that probably is the worst thing she can do. Things did improve and she seemed to be okay. She started looking for rooms and was optimistic. Until last night. She seemed to have a good day looking for rooms but I didn't hear from her until it began to get later. She had been staying the past two days with someone she met in AA. A woman who she told me is dead set about staying sober and getting her life back on track. So I figured well that's a good person to be around. She was drinking all night and missed the last train home. She eventually wound up getting what had to be a very expensive taxi ride back to our apartment. She wasn't abusive like the week before but still it's not healthy to be doing this type of stuff. When she sobers up she admits to it saying I know it's bad/wrong to do what I do. But she says she can't stop. 1 Drink leads to an unmeasurable amount more until she just is too tired to go on. So she does seem to have some self awareness but it's still pretty horrible.
At this point I feel a lot of feelings. Sadness is a major one because I do truly love her but also I feel like she just doesn't care about me at all. Has even said to me I can't give you the support you need and again acknowledges the error of that way of being. But still continues to do this. I really wanted to try to help her improve. Did a ton of reading about alcoholism and try to understand it's not all her fault. But at the end of the day I just feel like a stupid person who is letting themselves now be taken advantage of by someone I thought truly loved me. It's a tough pill to swallow. I do not want to just kick her out without at least a new place to live but everyday this goes on my insides are a wreck. I barely slept last night and woke up throwing up bile this morning from the amount of stress this is putting on my body. And the worst part is the woman I want to care...doesn't. This is probably the worst I have felt in a relationship. I never thought I would be abused this way by someone who I have shared so many good moments with. But here we are. Heaven help us...
You made the right decision to seek the help of Al-Anon and if you could find a local group to join
it would be very helpful to have that one to one assistance and support.
al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
I echo what Tiredtonite expressed to you above and hope you continue to let us know how
you are doing.
I also live with an active drinker for over 20 years so I can attest to you that Al-Anon does
work. You learn to take care of you and let the drinker make their own decisions while
giving support by not interfering or fighting. I learned to channel my anxiety about what
the drinker was doing towards taking care of me.
Unfortunately, so many things in your share resonated with memories of my life and experience with a loved one who I did not know struggled with alcohol. The devastation in their life, then in mine as I tried desperately to help the wonderful person trapped inside of a hideous, cruel cycle of hope, slippage, destruction and despair.
For the first time in my life, I could not make sense of things, could not help this person hold to what they stated they wanted: start a life together with me. I tried everything I could and met only eventual defeat, until my own feeling of loss and desperation grew to a point of being willing to try anything.
A service worker suggested that I look into Alanon, which at the time I thought was the same program as AA with different branding. I didn't like groups, doubted that others could understand what I was going through, certainly that they could help, but I was desperate.
I found a group, overcame my hesitancy and showed up at a meeting and listened. What I heard was others sharing stories that often had key features of what I was living. More importantly, I heard some simple ideas and universally applicable concepts that rang true and were immediately helpful in resetting my perspective.
I feel for you and where you are in your journey...regardless of where you go from here, know that you are not alone in this experience, others have been there and found hope. Many of these have also found their way to ALanon, and I highly recommend you at least check it out. The perspective and tools I found there have helped me immeasurably in that specific situation and really, in all areas of my life.
Glad you found us, thank you for sharing your experience, you are always welcome here
Those of us that live with, or have lived with an alcoholic, completely understand - when we were new to Al Anon we had many of the same feelings, emotions, and experiences - it can be a difficult road to walk on - and even for a more experienced person in Al Anon, things can get easier, but they're never easy. It'd be nice if someone here or in an Al Anon meeting could sit ya down and tell you "Here's what ya need to do . . . . " - but that's not the way Al Anon works - we can share our experience, strength, and hope with you, but no one in Al Anon should ever tell you what to do, aside from suggesting that you go to an Al Anon meeting, call a fellow member, or call your sponsor. I don't know your friend, but it sounds like she doesn't like where she is as far as alcohol - deep down inside when they have moments of clarity, I believe that most alcoholics don't like where they are, but unfortunately, when they are "active", alcoholism has control of many if not most aspects of their lives. You'll learn that while you feel frustrated, and perhaps may feel the need to "guilt" the alcoholic into getting sober because of what she's doing to herself and what she's doing to you, Al Anon tells us that there's nothing you can say or do to make the alcoholic feel worse than they already feel - but, just like us, they are "powerless over alcohol". And because we're powerless over alcohol (and the alcoholic), you'll learn that "helping" means something different with an alcoholic than it does in the rest of the world - sometimes, it turns into enabling, where we end up taking on responsibilities for the alcoholic that they should be doing for themselves - and that's not good for us or for them.
A few suggestions:
We care - keep coming back.
QTIP- Quit taking it personally. This is hard, I know but in reality, her behaviour, has nothing at all to do with you. When the drug of choice comes onboard nothing else matters except that. It does not matter if it is alcohol or other drugs. All promises to do better, be better etc fall to the wayside again and again. This is not a lack of love for you it is simply the disease at work.
You are not alone. I encourage you to seek out some meetings. There you will find people who understand and can help you.
I appreciate the kind words and support my post received.
My girlfriend has decided it is best for her to move back to NYC and has decided on taking a room there. I feel I kind of accelerated that decision as the room is not one she was 100% in on. But this past week she went down to the city on WED and wound up staying down there until THU. I assume she stayed at a friends place. She told me she would be home THU afternoon to pick her up from the train. Time goes by and around 7pm I text her when does she think she would be getting back. She wound up at a town 40 minutes south of where we live and at a bar. IDK how much she had drank but it was pretty obvious she had been drinking throughout the day until I finally came to pick her up.
She is also bipolar and had not taken her mood stabilizing meds so that also did not help. For the most part the ride home was okay. But it's a good 40 minute ride and as it wore on she became angrier with me, her life situation, and living so far away from her beloved city life. It wasn't as bad as past instances but it was not a good experience. I expressed to her the next day how this was tearing me apart physically and emotionally. She accused me of enabling her drinking and said maybe if she was afraid of me she wouldn't come home drunk. Inside my head that really pissed me off. But as we talked throughout the day she apologized and said she didn't mean to say that. She obviously is just looking to blame everyone but herself. A good friend of mine who I have confided in about this scoffed how it's not my address that is making her do this, it's her way of coping and she is an addict.
She is most likely going to be moving out this week. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. I do not feel this will help solve any of her problems as she kind of thinks it will. She is using the move to the city as an excuse to be closer to her doctors for things. In honesty to me it feels like she just wants to go back to her normal routine of being close enough to a bar to walk home and not be stuck trying to get back to the suburbs. She has told me how she has felt homeless recently which hurts because I have completely changed my life around to try to help her feel loved, supported, and appreciated. It's pretty clear she doesn't want that. I do not know where this relationship will go now. She has said in her few sober moments the past few weeks she still loves me and wants to be with me. But I guess time will tell.
It's not all bad though. Up to this point I was back living with my parents and this gave me a reason to finally venture out on my own in terms of living for the first time in 5 years. So for every rainy stormy day there is a glimmer of sunlight that peaks through the gloom. I do hope this move will help her try to get back on the straighter path. I know it's not going to be easy and she will need to fight hard to accomplish the things she wants to in life.
statement from the alcoholic I live with, that he is unloved and unappreciated. I learned that statements like
that tend to be said to manipulate, because alcoholism is a very cunning disease. Sounds like you are ready
to let her go and hope that you have found a local Al-Anon chapter to attend, because it is really helpful to
have local support. I commend you for your progress!!!
Thanks for the update, and love 'for every rainy stormy day there is a glimmer of sunlight'...so very true, and when we look for it we can always find it.
The road back for alcoholics is very seldom a straight one, and for loved ones it can be heartbreaking at times. Hopeful always, but understanding the incredible power of addiction that can move people to self-destructive actions and paths.
Good to hear your focus on your own path, keep up the good work! The best thing you can do for her is become a stronger, more spiritually grounded you.