Being an older member and The Head of the Family in Al-Anon.
WendyP said
Jan 22, 2023
HI it's WendyP, at the moment I am going through a very stressful family issue, and feeling the effects of it, not being able to sleep, eat, etc, and because I am in that zone at the moment, and feeling like I am, I started to Question myself, if I was working my program, and not working my program. I started to feel guilty, thinking that I am not doing to good, because of the way I was feeling. So I decided to stop and after asking for help from my HP, I asked myself, what could I do, to help myself through this. I knew then I needed a meeting, so I am putting it out there, asking for imput, and using the MIP Board as my meeting.
Why my topic, at the moment I am feeling the pressure of being the head of my very large Family, with most of them not making wise nor healthy decisions. I celebrated my Al-Anon Birthday, of 38 years last September. when My HP gave it to me when my first Grand Son was born, for which I am for ever grateful, I have been working the Al-Anon program ever since. But today I look at myself, and question, that it does not get any easier. I find it is much harder to bear, I think, is it because I am as old as I am, or is it because, I have had so many painful Family issues to walk, work through. I start to doubt myself. I find it very lonely, as I am the only one with program, and because I work things out and deal with them differently, that is where the loneliness comes into my life.
What has caused this painful issue, one of my Grand Daughters has decided to walk away from her Husband, her 3 younger Sons. Aged from 12 to 4. Leaving them with no food, no clean clothes, and deserting them totally. Thankfully their Father stepped up and is being the responsible one.She just comes and goes as she pleases. I can only say from the bottom of my heart of how much pain all of us are in. My daughter, who is her Mother, lives with me, and after many, many tears, we have decided to let go of my Grand Daughter, and focus on the three boys, and their Father. Being there for him, supporting him as much as we can,.As we don't live near each other. But working the program, and being active in the solution, not the problem, and praying heaps.Knowing we are Powerless, but not helpless.
This morning, I was at the Cab Rank, waiting for one to come and pick me up, and I started to cry. But because I was scared that I wouldn't stop, it came to me that I needed help, and remembered that I had a Just For Today Card, and a Prayer in my wallet so, got it out and on reading it, I started to feel Peace, and sat there feeling just so much gratitude for what I had been given. Both my HP, and the love that He feels for me, and the gift He gave me when He made me get Al-Anon.
On writing this,I am being very honest in saying that I am crying, and my head is trying to tell me that I am only feeling sorry for myself. But I am feeling sorry for the pain that someone else is causing to so many, and because this is an honest program, I can say what I have said from the bottom of my heart. I also sent my Grand Daughter a text, just saying of how I felt of the path that she has decided to walk. Will she read it, I don't know, it wasn't a nasty one, but I knew that I needed to say how I felt, being her Grand Mother, and for the rest of my Family, and for me personally. I can now Let Go and Let God. With me feeling guilty about not being able to handle this painful issue, I can remember something I read once in All Our Affairs. It says,
"We all go through periods of sadness, lethargy, and grief......that's part of life. Al-Anon cannot solve every problem."
"There are times when I have to hurt through a situation, and when this happens,, the choice is not whether to hurt or not, but what to so while I am Hurting" That is why I chose to do something positive about my pain, and reach out to my Al-Anon Family. Thank You for being here for me.
Love WendyP.
DM2021 said
Jan 23, 2023
{{WendyP}} so sorry you and your family are having such a difficult time right now.
I believe you are working your program and coming here to talk is a wonderful way to air your feelings.
You mentioned that you are the head of the family and that places you in somewhat of a controlling
position. Maybe being an equal member of the family doing what you can do within your control like
your grand-daughters husband and mother would be an easier load to handle. Like Al-Anon suggests
we are not in control only our HP is and with our HP's guidance we deal with life's difficulties and are
reminded to be grateful for everything else we have. Gratitude, for the most important issue which are
the care of the children who fortunately have their dad and allowing your grand-daughters HP to watch
over her sounds like a good path taken!!
Iamhere said
Jan 23, 2023
Hey Wendy - sending you tons of love and light. With the loss of my mama, I am discovering that grief is strange, different for everyone and has no rational path/ending. As I grieve my mama, I am also reminded of the loss of my oldest - he's still alive but we are estranged. I have not heard anything from him; had hoped I would and also had no expectations.
I've come to believe in recent processing that grieving a wayward loved one, lost in this disease is almost harder than grieving one who's passed on. I've been through thousands of photos creating a slideshow for the upcoming memorials and much of the pain of the last 15-20 years has raised up. I believe it's because I am vulnerable - probably also hungry, angry, lonely, tired - so many things.
I'm in the mode of being gentle with myself and others. I have not been sleeping well and have struggled to eat at all. It's just how grief is manifesting in me. I am also taking action but trying to not judge 'me' or others simply because I know I'm not in my right mind.
What I do know is this disease does not rest. It doesn't sleep, take vacations, move along or nap. It is ever present and ready to attack anyone vulnerable to it. It's not curable, only treatable. If I have learned nothing else in recovery, I know deep within that I can't help another who doesn't want help. I can't carry the person, only the message and only if/when asked. I need to stay on my side of the street, practice self-care as best I can so I can be of maximum service to those in need.
I love that you are being of service to the kids/father. That to me sounds super healthy. As far as time in program, effort/results in recovery, etc. -- clearly you are doing something right - you are hear, you are sharing, you are asking for help -- all of which tell me you've made progress, our goal.
I am another who sees crying as a release. I don't do it often and don't like to do it yet it happens and like all else, I assume for a reason. I've shed a variety of tears over this disease, my diseased, grief, etc. and almost always feel better after. Hang in there girl - you are working it and it shows.
WendyP said
Jan 23, 2023
Hi it's WendyP again, thank you for your sharings, and today I am feeling a bit better, had a good night sleep, and am eating once more. I feel that after I messaged my Grand Daughter, and shared exactly how I felt about the path she has/is taking. It wasn't a nasty one, just honest. She did surprise me and answered, thank fully it wasn't nasty either, she did tell me to mind my own business. I feel comfortable with how I handled it, and what I said, for now, I can detach and hang onto her with one hand, and let her go with the other. It is more painful for me, with this one, as she has captured my heart more than the others. I have tried not to have favourities with the younger members of my Family, but will have to admit that I have with some of them.
Debbie, when you say about control, well,I have learnt well and truly about that within Al-Anon. Especially after doing my 4th and 5th step, I was a controlling Mother, etc, but all of my Grand and Great Children have been born whilst I have been in Al-Anon, and I have become a Caring Grand,Great Mother. I care with love. But I thank you for you sharing.
With Love,
WemdyP.
DM2021 said
Jan 25, 2023
Glad you are feeling better WendyP!!
I found with family member worries, that learning to let their Higher Power guide them on their path of choice and
destiny without my interference, is what Al-Anon has been trying to teach me and it does makes sense!! {{HUGS}}
HI it's WendyP, at the moment I am going through a very stressful family issue, and feeling the effects of it, not being able to sleep, eat, etc, and because I am in that zone at the moment, and feeling like I am, I started to Question myself, if I was working my program, and not working my program. I started to feel guilty, thinking that I am not doing to good, because of the way I was feeling. So I decided to stop and after asking for help from my HP, I asked myself, what could I do, to help myself through this. I knew then I needed a meeting, so I am putting it out there, asking for imput, and using the MIP Board as my meeting.
Why my topic, at the moment I am feeling the pressure of being the head of my very large Family, with most of them not making wise nor healthy decisions. I celebrated my Al-Anon Birthday, of 38 years last September. when My HP gave it to me when my first Grand Son was born, for which I am for ever grateful, I have been working the Al-Anon program ever since. But today I look at myself, and question, that it does not get any easier. I find it is much harder to bear, I think, is it because I am as old as I am, or is it because, I have had so many painful Family issues to walk, work through. I start to doubt myself. I find it very lonely, as I am the only one with program, and because I work things out and deal with them differently, that is where the loneliness comes into my life.
What has caused this painful issue, one of my Grand Daughters has decided to walk away from her Husband, her 3 younger Sons. Aged from 12 to 4. Leaving them with no food, no clean clothes, and deserting them totally. Thankfully their Father stepped up and is being the responsible one.She just comes and goes as she pleases. I can only say from the bottom of my heart of how much pain all of us are in. My daughter, who is her Mother, lives with me, and after many, many tears, we have decided to let go of my Grand Daughter, and focus on the three boys, and their Father. Being there for him, supporting him as much as we can,.As we don't live near each other. But working the program, and being active in the solution, not the problem, and praying heaps.Knowing we are Powerless, but not helpless.
This morning, I was at the Cab Rank, waiting for one to come and pick me up, and I started to cry. But because I was scared that I wouldn't stop, it came to me that I needed help, and remembered that I had a Just For Today Card, and a Prayer in my wallet so, got it out and on reading it, I started to feel Peace, and sat there feeling just so much gratitude for what I had been given. Both my HP, and the love that He feels for me, and the gift He gave me when He made me get Al-Anon.
On writing this,I am being very honest in saying that I am crying, and my head is trying to tell me that I am only feeling sorry for myself. But I am feeling sorry for the pain that someone else is causing to so many, and because this is an honest program, I can say what I have said from the bottom of my heart. I also sent my Grand Daughter a text, just saying of how I felt of the path that she has decided to walk. Will she read it, I don't know, it wasn't a nasty one, but I knew that I needed to say how I felt, being her Grand Mother, and for the rest of my Family, and for me personally. I can now Let Go and Let God. With me feeling guilty about not being able to handle this painful issue, I can remember something I read once in All Our Affairs. It says,
"We all go through periods of sadness, lethargy, and grief......that's part of life. Al-Anon cannot solve every problem."
"There are times when I have to hurt through a situation, and when this happens,, the choice is not whether to hurt or not, but what to so while I am Hurting" That is why I chose to do something positive about my pain, and reach out to my Al-Anon Family. Thank You for being here for me.
Love WendyP.
I believe you are working your program and coming here to talk is a wonderful way to air your feelings.
You mentioned that you are the head of the family and that places you in somewhat of a controlling
position. Maybe being an equal member of the family doing what you can do within your control like
your grand-daughters husband and mother would be an easier load to handle. Like Al-Anon suggests
we are not in control only our HP is and with our HP's guidance we deal with life's difficulties and are
reminded to be grateful for everything else we have. Gratitude, for the most important issue which are
the care of the children who fortunately have their dad and allowing your grand-daughters HP to watch
over her sounds like a good path taken!!
I've come to believe in recent processing that grieving a wayward loved one, lost in this disease is almost harder than grieving one who's passed on. I've been through thousands of photos creating a slideshow for the upcoming memorials and much of the pain of the last 15-20 years has raised up. I believe it's because I am vulnerable - probably also hungry, angry, lonely, tired - so many things.
I'm in the mode of being gentle with myself and others. I have not been sleeping well and have struggled to eat at all. It's just how grief is manifesting in me. I am also taking action but trying to not judge 'me' or others simply because I know I'm not in my right mind.
What I do know is this disease does not rest. It doesn't sleep, take vacations, move along or nap. It is ever present and ready to attack anyone vulnerable to it. It's not curable, only treatable. If I have learned nothing else in recovery, I know deep within that I can't help another who doesn't want help. I can't carry the person, only the message and only if/when asked. I need to stay on my side of the street, practice self-care as best I can so I can be of maximum service to those in need.
I love that you are being of service to the kids/father. That to me sounds super healthy. As far as time in program, effort/results in recovery, etc. -- clearly you are doing something right - you are hear, you are sharing, you are asking for help -- all of which tell me you've made progress, our goal.
I am another who sees crying as a release. I don't do it often and don't like to do it yet it happens and like all else, I assume for a reason. I've shed a variety of tears over this disease, my diseased, grief, etc. and almost always feel better after. Hang in there girl - you are working it and it shows.
Hi it's WendyP again, thank you for your sharings, and today I am feeling a bit better, had a good night sleep, and am eating once more. I feel that after I messaged my Grand Daughter, and shared exactly how I felt about the path she has/is taking. It wasn't a nasty one, just honest. She did surprise me and answered, thank fully it wasn't nasty either, she did tell me to mind my own business. I feel comfortable with how I handled it, and what I said, for now, I can detach and hang onto her with one hand, and let her go with the other. It is more painful for me, with this one, as she has captured my heart more than the others. I have tried not to have favourities with the younger members of my Family, but will have to admit that I have with some of them.
Debbie, when you say about control, well,I have learnt well and truly about that within Al-Anon. Especially after doing my 4th and 5th step, I was a controlling Mother, etc, but all of my Grand and Great Children have been born whilst I have been in Al-Anon, and I have become a Caring Grand,Great Mother. I care with love. But I thank you for you sharing.
With Love,
WemdyP.
I found with family member worries, that learning to let their Higher Power guide them on their path of choice and
destiny without my interference, is what Al-Anon has been trying to teach me and it does makes sense!! {{HUGS}}