Hey all. It's been a while, a long while. Last I posted, I believe I was headed from KS to AZ to deal with my parents. I've made several trips back/forth trying to be of service -- so wish they lived closer. My mother passed away on New Year's Day so went out to be with my dad, clear things from the memory care center & home and plan a service. Came back home because I've got a patient here as well, leaving to go back to AZ next week.
My husband has been officially diagnosed with Stage 4 heart failure. Between this and his COPD diagnosis, 2022 has been trying, expensive, and stressful. After throwing medication at his heart failure, with no improvement, he had to have a defibrillator installed in December.
Life is strange and God seems to have a sense of humor. I've spent a ton of time working to accept that the 3 folks I'm caretaking for are probably not long for this world. I've visited denial, sadness, grief, and cycled while trying to get to acceptance. Well, before my mother passed away and after my husband had his procedure, I lost 3 people, near and dear, who were not on my radar. I lost an aunt (103, not sure why she was not on my radar), a co-worker and a lovely friend of my parents in AZ.
Needless to say, these distracted me enough to be jarred when my mother passed on the first day of the year. I got the call that she was not doing well, tried to get out of town and was told by the hospital staff that no matter what I did, I would not get there in time. So, I went forward with my plans (golf) and she passed while I was on the 9th green, putting.
All that I know is no amount of preparations and processing truly prepares you for the loss of your mama. It's been a rough start to the year yet I am truly grateful for this program and my other program and all my life-minded friends. I have written and talked in recovery about the times my head and my heart are not aligned; I am there/here again. My brain tells me my mama is in a better place and this is for the best and my heart hurts for my father and the fear of not ever seeing her again.
While cleaning up around the house, I discovered a grocery bag tied shut. I asked my dad what it was, he did not know. I opened the bag, and there were hundred, maybe more than a thousand letters, looking to be love letters. The first I saw was addressed to my mama, maiden name. My dad was as intrigued as I was and I truly thought that my mom may have had a clandestine affair of some sorts many years before - letters were postmarked 1952 (postage was 3 cents).
We decided to open and they were ..................... from my dad. These letters were daily writings between my mom and my dad when they were 18/19 years old, fresh out of high school. My mom went to college about 35 miles away for one year - 8 months. They wrote each and every day, back and forth. My dad doesn't remember any of it. My mama, with dementia, threw out so many things over the years and yet, saved these. I couldn't read them - I was too raw from the loss but promised my dad I would when they both passed away.
My parents met when they were 13. They married when they were 21. They are both 88. I knew all this and yet, the letters blew me away. Just wanted to share a story of love, long, enduring, unconditional.
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope everyone has good heath. I have continued my self-care daily as I know how important it is for my sanity and serenity. I am OK and will get through my grief and will return more regularly when I can. (((Hugs))) to all...
DM2021 said
Jan 19, 2023
So happy to hear from you and equally sad that you lost your Mom and 3 other near and dear folks in your life.
Wishing your husband the healthiest and best outcomes with his pacemaker (my Dad has had one for years and he
is 90 years old now). Happy New Year {{Iamhere}}!! Please keep letting us know how you are, we are here for
you!!
luv123 said
Jan 19, 2023
We have so often had parallel lives in many ways. I am sending you heart felt prayers! You have such beautiful strong recovery & HP relationship that has shined so bright. I am sure it will bring you through this challenging time.
I understand what youre going through IAmHere. Unfortunately, my family is also going through multiple losses at this time & I am primary caregiver &/or proxy. Program & faith are so key right now.
Blessings & thanks for letting us know!
El said
Jan 19, 2023
It is so good to see you and Im so sorry about your mama and other losses. Thank you for checking in and letting us know your situation. You work such a strong program and thank goodness with all that is happening. Again, so sorry and sending hugs with my condolences. Take good care of you and best to your hubby, as well.
El
Enigmatic said
Jan 20, 2023
Hi IAH,
So good to hear from you, and so sorry for your loss. I agree, there simply is no preparation sufficient to prepare us for the gripping reality of its permanence.
Thoughts and prayers with you as you process and continue on
Lyne said
Jan 20, 2023
{{{IAH}}} Have missed you! I can see you have been extremely busy with difficult life issues. All I can do is send love, light, and prayers, Lyne.
Daffodils said
Jan 20, 2023
((Iamhere)) So sorry for your losses and current struggles. Wishing you peace and comfort. Thank you for letting your light shine through by sharing your courage and wisdom.
Iamhere said
Jan 20, 2023
Love and thanks to all of you. What I know and also don't know is that grief is just weird. In spite of knowing and preparing for a loss that you know is coming, the reality and finality of it hits like a brick. I had moments where I felt I could not breathe and certainly could not talk to others or even share.
The reality of life is we really just don't know what is in the 'master plan'. When I try to consider anything beyond today, it can be overwhelming, fast. We had a reasonably mild weather day here and in spite of having a to-do list a mile long, a good friend and I golfed 27 holes. When I was leaving the course, another good friend pulled me to ride along for a few holes. I am grateful this program has given me enough sanity to choose good people to be close in my life, esp. at this time.
Everyone, please take good care of you! That's my personal plan, and recovery has taught me that if I want to be of adequate service to others, I must be of maximum service to self first. Appreciate all the thoughts, prayers and support!
serenity47 said
Jan 22, 2023
Thank you for updating us on your life and dropping in.
As I read your entry, the thing that jumped out the most to me was that no matter how hard you tried, how quick you were to get to your Mama, death was inevitable and outside of anyone's control. You found yourself on the 9th hole when you got the call. I think your Mom would be happy and smiling knowing that you were doing something you love and were also likely with some good friends who could stand with you and support you..
The love letters also touched my heart. I to have letters but they were written to me by my hubby when he worked overseas, prior to email, texting and all of that. I received one every month when he was gone. My hope is , like you found your Mom's letters, my kids will find mine and be able to read and see the love and connection that we had as young people.
Lastly, I send my heartfelt condolences. You are right, we truly are never prepared to lose the ones we love. We dont "get over " it, instead we learn to live alongside our grief.
Fedora said
Jan 25, 2023
Dear IAH,
Condolences on the many losses you have had. May you find strength in the people around you and even from your internet friends here. I don't know where you are but I am sending out my wishes for peace in your heart to come sooner rather than later.
One thing that was shared with me upon a loss, I'll share with you. "It hurt so much because it mattered so much." I hope you can lean into how much your mama mattered, how much all those loved ones matter. And I hope that, even though the hurt has to come with, the "mattered" will bring you the knowledge that they made love real.
Iamhere said
Feb 1, 2023
Thank you all - I've been back to AZ for the memorial for my mom. It was lovely with tons of friends, family, fellowship, food, etc. All of my brothers made it (wasn't sure who was/was not coming). I did a slide show that played the whole time - photos of my mom with family, friends, etc. I sorted thousands of photos and put together 100+ pages without tears.
However, I found watching the slide show incredibly emotional. I am still discovering how strange grief is - one minute, I am gathered/together and the next, I'm in a puddle of emotions. I have to admit that it took me 3 weeks, a full 21 days before I realized I was not going to see her 'here' again. The thought had not entered my mind until I was ready for it, I guess. I just don't know...
I will continue to process as best I can one day at a time. I will again share how utterly grateful I am for my recovery program, our tools, my friends/family (in/not in recovery), a higher power and my willingness to just be open to what comes next. It's a 'new normal' and I have faith in the 'master plan' which I am but one small part. Love and light to all!
Lyne said
Feb 2, 2023
{{{IAH}}} The pain of grief comes and goes--one minute you can be fine and the next a ball of emotion. I also learned that the longer a relationship was, the longer the process of mourning can be. And then there are people that stuff their pain and 10 yrs later there it is! Again, I'm sending love, light, and prayers.
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 4, 2023
(((((Iamhere))))
As I said in my PM, I wish you continued strength in dealing with your losses. Grief is strange. Perhaps the emotional feelings came to a head when actually watching your labor of love b/c you were out of "I must get this done" mode. You were freely able to view your mom's life as others in the room were. A blessing, really. Also, it may have been triggered by the music. I find music touches my soul, where mere words cannot. To this day, I find it very hard to listen to songs with words. They bring back so many memories of my married life & cause deep sadness.
Thankfully, you have all the knowledge and tools you need. Now it's just time. And what is that saying? "Time is on your side."
Hey all. It's been a while, a long while. Last I posted, I believe I was headed from KS to AZ to deal with my parents. I've made several trips back/forth trying to be of service -- so wish they lived closer. My mother passed away on New Year's Day so went out to be with my dad, clear things from the memory care center & home and plan a service. Came back home because I've got a patient here as well, leaving to go back to AZ next week.
My husband has been officially diagnosed with Stage 4 heart failure. Between this and his COPD diagnosis, 2022 has been trying, expensive, and stressful. After throwing medication at his heart failure, with no improvement, he had to have a defibrillator installed in December.
Life is strange and God seems to have a sense of humor. I've spent a ton of time working to accept that the 3 folks I'm caretaking for are probably not long for this world. I've visited denial, sadness, grief, and cycled while trying to get to acceptance. Well, before my mother passed away and after my husband had his procedure, I lost 3 people, near and dear, who were not on my radar. I lost an aunt (103, not sure why she was not on my radar), a co-worker and a lovely friend of my parents in AZ.
Needless to say, these distracted me enough to be jarred when my mother passed on the first day of the year. I got the call that she was not doing well, tried to get out of town and was told by the hospital staff that no matter what I did, I would not get there in time. So, I went forward with my plans (golf) and she passed while I was on the 9th green, putting.
All that I know is no amount of preparations and processing truly prepares you for the loss of your mama. It's been a rough start to the year yet I am truly grateful for this program and my other program and all my life-minded friends. I have written and talked in recovery about the times my head and my heart are not aligned; I am there/here again. My brain tells me my mama is in a better place and this is for the best and my heart hurts for my father and the fear of not ever seeing her again.
While cleaning up around the house, I discovered a grocery bag tied shut. I asked my dad what it was, he did not know. I opened the bag, and there were hundred, maybe more than a thousand letters, looking to be love letters. The first I saw was addressed to my mama, maiden name. My dad was as intrigued as I was and I truly thought that my mom may have had a clandestine affair of some sorts many years before - letters were postmarked 1952 (postage was 3 cents).
We decided to open and they were ..................... from my dad. These letters were daily writings between my mom and my dad when they were 18/19 years old, fresh out of high school. My mom went to college about 35 miles away for one year - 8 months. They wrote each and every day, back and forth. My dad doesn't remember any of it. My mama, with dementia, threw out so many things over the years and yet, saved these. I couldn't read them - I was too raw from the loss but promised my dad I would when they both passed away.
My parents met when they were 13. They married when they were 21. They are both 88. I knew all this and yet, the letters blew me away. Just wanted to share a story of love, long, enduring, unconditional.
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope everyone has good heath. I have continued my self-care daily as I know how important it is for my sanity and serenity. I am OK and will get through my grief and will return more regularly when I can. (((Hugs))) to all...
Wishing your husband the healthiest and best outcomes with his pacemaker (my Dad has had one for years and he
is 90 years old now). Happy New Year {{Iamhere}}!! Please keep letting us know how you are, we are here for
you!!
I understand what youre going through IAmHere. Unfortunately, my family is also going through multiple losses at this time & I am primary caregiver &/or proxy. Program & faith are so key right now.
Blessings & thanks for letting us know!
It is so good to see you and Im so sorry about your mama and other losses. Thank you for checking in and letting us know your situation. You work such a strong program and thank goodness with all that is happening. Again, so sorry and sending hugs with my condolences. Take good care of you and best to your hubby, as well.
El
Hi IAH,
So good to hear from you, and so sorry for your loss. I agree, there simply is no preparation sufficient to prepare us for the gripping reality of its permanence.
Thoughts and prayers with you as you process and continue on
The reality of life is we really just don't know what is in the 'master plan'. When I try to consider anything beyond today, it can be overwhelming, fast. We had a reasonably mild weather day here and in spite of having a to-do list a mile long, a good friend and I golfed 27 holes. When I was leaving the course, another good friend pulled me to ride along for a few holes. I am grateful this program has given me enough sanity to choose good people to be close in my life, esp. at this time.
Everyone, please take good care of you! That's my personal plan, and recovery has taught me that if I want to be of adequate service to others, I must be of maximum service to self first. Appreciate all the thoughts, prayers and support!
As I read your entry, the thing that jumped out the most to me was that no matter how hard you tried, how quick you were to get to your Mama, death was inevitable and outside of anyone's control. You found yourself on the 9th hole when you got the call. I think your Mom would be happy and smiling knowing that you were doing something you love and were also likely with some good friends who could stand with you and support you..
The love letters also touched my heart. I to have letters but they were written to me by my hubby when he worked overseas, prior to email, texting and all of that. I received one every month when he was gone. My hope is , like you found your Mom's letters, my kids will find mine and be able to read and see the love and connection that we had as young people.
Lastly, I send my heartfelt condolences. You are right, we truly are never prepared to lose the ones we love. We dont "get over " it, instead we learn to live alongside our grief.
Condolences on the many losses you have had. May you find strength in the people around you and even from your internet friends here. I don't know where you are but I am sending out my wishes for peace in your heart to come sooner rather than later.
One thing that was shared with me upon a loss, I'll share with you. "It hurt so much because it mattered so much." I hope you can lean into how much your mama mattered, how much all those loved ones matter. And I hope that, even though the hurt has to come with, the "mattered" will bring you the knowledge that they made love real.
However, I found watching the slide show incredibly emotional. I am still discovering how strange grief is - one minute, I am gathered/together and the next, I'm in a puddle of emotions. I have to admit that it took me 3 weeks, a full 21 days before I realized I was not going to see her 'here' again. The thought had not entered my mind until I was ready for it, I guess. I just don't know...
I will continue to process as best I can one day at a time. I will again share how utterly grateful I am for my recovery program, our tools, my friends/family (in/not in recovery), a higher power and my willingness to just be open to what comes next. It's a 'new normal' and I have faith in the 'master plan' which I am but one small part. Love and light to all!
(((((Iamhere))))
As I said in my PM, I wish you continued strength in dealing with your losses. Grief is strange. Perhaps the emotional feelings came to a head when actually watching your labor of love b/c you were out of "I must get this done" mode. You were freely able to view your mom's life as others in the room were. A blessing, really.
Also, it may have been triggered by the music. I find music touches my soul, where mere words cannot. To this day, I find it very hard to listen to songs with words. They bring back so many memories of my married life & cause deep sadness.
Thankfully, you have all the knowledge and tools you need. Now it's just time. And what is that saying? "Time is on your side."
Wishing you peace today,
PNP