Hope for Today, Monday, 1/9, Whose fault is my suffering?
Lyne said
Jan 8, 2023
The writer believed that the alcoholics caused their pain, suffering, and great unhappiness. But alanon suggested we take responsibility for our own happiness. The writer's sponsor thought it best to stop expecting the alcoholic's behavior to change. Instead, detach and change one's own attitudes, expectations, and responses. It is helpful to see our contribution to the problem: do we bring up topics at the wrong time, do we decide to bring up issues that are better left unsaid, or do we have unrealistic expectations? Once we can change our responses, we can choose a different reaction other than suffering. We are then set free to enjoy life.
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I don't remember if I learned this on the message board or in my F2F meeting, but this is what I heard: if you know the answer to a question, don't ask it. It took a long time for this goal to sink in, but after trying my hardest to practice this, it actually saved me a lot of grief, and still does. In my desire to change my A, I thought confronting what I perceived to be problematic behavior was my job. NO! It never worked, and it certainly caused both of us to suffer and be miserable. Now with the focus on myself, and asking what questions I really need to ask, life is better. Much better!
SunnyFrog said
Jan 9, 2023
Good morning.
I came here last night and read this and started feeling kind of guilty for leaving my marriage and didn't share. I was asking myself did I not try hard enough?Did I not work the program to the best of my ability? Was I not able to see my role in my unhappiness? And a million more questions.
Today though, in reference to this reading, I know that I did stop expecting the alcoholic/addicts behavior to change and took responsibility for my own happiness.
How each person chooses to take responsibility for their own happiness differs depending on their own situation. My situation was beyond the point of just detaching,or not bringing up topics at the wrong time, not saying things that are better left unsaid and all the other ways of walking on eggshells trying to appease someone that was out of control. That's what it was in reality,just constantly obsessing on ways to appease him in order to not argue or have chaos and drama but nothing worked. That's not the type of marriage I want anymore and it's not the type of life I want anymore and I don't feel guilty for saying that or feeling that way.
There are however other A's in my life and detaching,not bringing up topics at the wrong time and all these other things work very well and make my relationship with them much better and peaceful and I can(and do)enjoy being around them. When around them I think of what's best for myself and think before I speak(usually) and ask myself how important is it,do I want to be right or have peace.
It's cold here today and I am counting down the days until Spring,it won't be long!Only like 70 days,that will go by in the blink of an eye. Have a good day!
DM2021 said
Jan 9, 2023
Wow Lyne what a great reading today!! Thank you for your service and to you, TT and SF for all
your ESH as well.
Once I learned and practiced on a daily basis, "bringing up topics at the wrong time, bringing up issues that are better left unsaid and having unrealistic expectations,"
there was an amazing transformation in this household. Grateful as always for the peace and serenity of Al-Anon.
Daffodils said
Jan 9, 2023
Thank you Lyne for your service and excellent shares that guide me to take responsibility for my own happiness. The quote "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional " and Al-Anon tools/ESH have also helped in reducing my suffering/martyrdom. SunnyFrog, our winter has been springlike-little snow, above seasonal temperatures. However, I do miss the sunshine and bright colours. Have a great day everyone.
The writer believed that the alcoholics caused their pain, suffering, and great unhappiness. But alanon suggested we take responsibility for our own happiness. The writer's sponsor thought it best to stop expecting the alcoholic's behavior to change. Instead, detach and change one's own attitudes, expectations, and responses. It is helpful to see our contribution to the problem: do we bring up topics at the wrong time, do we decide to bring up issues that are better left unsaid, or do we have unrealistic expectations? Once we can change our responses, we can choose a different reaction other than suffering. We are then set free to enjoy life.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I don't remember if I learned this on the message board or in my F2F meeting, but this is what I heard: if you know the answer to a question, don't ask it. It took a long time for this goal to sink in, but after trying my hardest to practice this, it actually saved me a lot of grief, and still does. In my desire to change my A, I thought confronting what I perceived to be problematic behavior was my job. NO! It never worked, and it certainly caused both of us to suffer and be miserable. Now with the focus on myself, and asking what questions I really need to ask, life is better. Much better!
I came here last night and read this and started feeling kind of guilty for leaving my marriage and didn't share. I was asking myself did I not try hard enough?Did I not work the program to the best of my ability? Was I not able to see my role in my unhappiness? And a million more questions.
Today though, in reference to this reading, I know that I did stop expecting the alcoholic/addicts behavior to change and took responsibility for my own happiness.
How each person chooses to take responsibility for their own happiness differs depending on their own situation. My situation was beyond the point of just detaching,or not bringing up topics at the wrong time, not saying things that are better left unsaid and all the other ways of walking on eggshells trying to appease someone that was out of control. That's what it was in reality,just constantly obsessing on ways to appease him in order to not argue or have chaos and drama but nothing worked. That's not the type of marriage I want anymore and it's not the type of life I want anymore and I don't feel guilty for saying that or feeling that way.
There are however other A's in my life and detaching,not bringing up topics at the wrong time and all these other things work very well and make my relationship with them much better and peaceful and I can(and do)enjoy being around them. When around them I think of what's best for myself and think before I speak(usually) and ask myself how important is it,do I want to be right or have peace.
It's cold here today and I am counting down the days until Spring,it won't be long!Only like 70 days,that will go by in the blink of an eye. Have a good day!
your ESH as well.
Once I learned and practiced on a daily basis, "bringing up topics at the wrong time, bringing up issues that are better left unsaid and having unrealistic expectations,"
there was an amazing transformation in this household. Grateful as always for the peace and serenity of Al-Anon.