It is likely that we have witnessed irresponsible or irrational behavior executed by the alcoholic. The danger, suggests today's page, is that we allow ourselves to feel, hold and perhaps nurture contempt toward them.
Alcoholics are not children who require our corrective measures, they are (in most cases) adults who have a serious illness. Furthermore, as 'children of god', every one of us (including alcoholics!) have special qualities and gifts that deserve respect.
Reminder: For the sake of Serenity, mentally separate the person from the sickness. This allows us to stay in our lane and show them respect, and them to regain much needed dignity...mutual gain.
"The surest plan to make a Man is: Think him so." James R. Lowell ----------------
When Alanon helped me change first my thoughts, then my behavior toward the alcoholic, I was able to realize that I never felt good or at peace when I would chastise or badger them verbally, even when I felt it was justified at the time.
One day when the behavior I observed was far from their sober persona, I saw them as similar to someone suffering some form of dementia...and for the first time, felt compassion. I felt sadness as I considered that this could be a glimpse into a real possibility: behavior associated with mental illness that would not get better.
Did I show appreciation for them when they were sober, and while I still could? Could I show the same separation of person/sickness with alcohol as I would someone who had dementia?
Change my perception = change my world, so grateful for the reminders
Lyne said
Sep 20, 2022
Thank you Paul for your service and for all above ESH. It is a very important question that was asked: how do I feel about my A? I spent years feeling hurt, angry, disappointed, and resentment. If only, if only.....then things would be fine. I work daily to feel compassion for my A. Alanon has taught me a great many things. But here is where I get stuck: Am I sick too? Absolutely. But I engage in daily and weekly practices to be better and grow as a human being. My A does not engage in help for alcoholism. Help is available but not chosen. To accept this one part, takes an extra amount of patience, and letting go and letting God. For I cannot change anyone. Betty taught me: I can't, He can, I will let Him.
DM2021 said
Sep 20, 2022
Thank you from me as well Paul for your service and to you, TT and Lyne for all the lovely ESH.
I too found in Al-Anon that looking inward daily, working the steps and following through in my relationship with
my HP, has given me the answers that allow me to grow and be happy regardless what the A in my life choses to do.
Building respect for AH was a difficult and long road, but am happy that I am on the right track for the sake of both
our serenities. Grateful member indeed!!
Daffodils said
Sep 20, 2022
Good Day Everyone. Thanks Paul for your service and all the shares. I was deeply moved by this post as it highlighted the importance of applying Al-Anon tools in all areas of my life. For over a year I've been nursing a resentment towards my husband over the mess he creates in the kitchen when making meals. At first I let it go because I was glad he stopped relying on me for all meal preparations. I would clean up (silently seething) asking myself how important is it?. Anyways, last week I asked him to hold my purse while I tried on a coat and noticed his hand had a slight tremor. It's a side effect of his psych meds. Thank goodness I never vocalized my annoyance over the "messes" . It also explains why he no longer performs minor repairs around the house and didn't mind paying for the service. I am so grateful I employed tools given by Al-Anon members to be compassionate and kind. Furthermore, I didn't comment on my observations or conclusions (I could be wrong). I am so grateful he is stable and safe. Thank you for the reminders to focus on my internal growth.
Enigmatic said
Sep 21, 2022
Wow...thank you TT, Lyne, Deb and Daf for taking the time to share the thoughtful, helpful comments above...so many good points...
While I tried to focus on the thought of Alcoholism as a disease rather than intentionally action, one of the key points I heard shared above was about keeping the focus on ourselves, a core principle of Alanon.
One of the first big realizations I had in Alanon was from C2C p. 17 - if someone looked at my behavior as I had tried to control alcohol in another, they could have concluded that I was the crazy one...coming to terms with my own illness, character defects, and the fact that I was in no position to judge or forgive another's behavior; that was the responsibility of god/higher power.
Different ways of seeing different aspects of my life, my challenges, and my interactions with the A and others...all improved and possible when I apply the ALanon lens to the situation. So grateful for the fellowship, thanks all
Seahorse7 said
Sep 29, 2022
I have lately been trying, and able, to see my AH with compassion (occasionallyI still fight resentment daily). He is someone who is spiraling and hurting and so deep in denial he doesnt see how he is deteriorating. I see it. He is losing mental capacity and has little motivation to do life unless I talk him into something fun. I feel so bad for him and want to help but cannot even talk to him about it in a kind way, as he gets so angry. It hurts to see someone you love sufferingI feel the same for my beloved pets when they are ill, but the difference is I can take action to help them. With my husband I cannot. I continue to feel very alone in this relationship and am losing hope for a good outcome. And losing hope for a happy rest of my life. Focusing on me and good parts of my life only takes me so far when I am also suffering.
It is likely that we have witnessed irresponsible or irrational behavior executed by the alcoholic. The danger, suggests today's page, is that we allow ourselves to feel, hold and perhaps nurture contempt toward them.
Alcoholics are not children who require our corrective measures, they are (in most cases) adults who have a serious illness. Furthermore, as 'children of god', every one of us (including alcoholics!) have special qualities and gifts that deserve respect.
Reminder: For the sake of Serenity, mentally separate the person from the sickness. This allows us to stay in our lane and show them respect, and them to regain much needed dignity...mutual gain.
"The surest plan to make a Man is: Think him so." James R. Lowell
----------------
When Alanon helped me change first my thoughts, then my behavior toward the alcoholic, I was able to realize that I never felt good or at peace when I would chastise or badger them verbally, even when I felt it was justified at the time.
One day when the behavior I observed was far from their sober persona, I saw them as similar to someone suffering some form of dementia...and for the first time, felt compassion. I felt sadness as I considered that this could be a glimpse into a real possibility: behavior associated with mental illness that would not get better.
Did I show appreciation for them when they were sober, and while I still could? Could I show the same separation of person/sickness with alcohol as I would someone who had dementia?
Change my perception = change my world, so grateful for the reminders
I too found in Al-Anon that looking inward daily, working the steps and following through in my relationship with
my HP, has given me the answers that allow me to grow and be happy regardless what the A in my life choses to do.
Building respect for AH was a difficult and long road, but am happy that I am on the right track for the sake of both
our serenities. Grateful member indeed!!
While I tried to focus on the thought of Alcoholism as a disease rather than intentionally action, one of the key points I heard shared above was about keeping the focus on ourselves, a core principle of Alanon.
One of the first big realizations I had in Alanon was from C2C p. 17 - if someone looked at my behavior as I had tried to control alcohol in another, they could have concluded that I was the crazy one...coming to terms with my own illness, character defects, and the fact that I was in no position to judge or forgive another's behavior; that was the responsibility of god/higher power.
Different ways of seeing different aspects of my life, my challenges, and my interactions with the A and others...all improved and possible when I apply the ALanon lens to the situation. So grateful for the fellowship, thanks all