When you realize that your marriage was like a tree that was rotten from the inside -from the beginning
Fedora said
Aug 9, 2022
Hello! I've been away for awhile but I've missed you guys. :)
Mini update:
The bad: exH was arrested for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times since our divorce was finalized. He's currently got an ankle monitor strapped to his leg for a long time to come.
The good (no, great): I have bought a new house! Despite the housing craziness, my realtor came through and found me a place in my price range and I'm enjoying so many firsts. (Taking care of grass, learning where towel racks go.) Most importantly, learning how to enjoy my life now that my exH is not in it on a daily basis. (SO many things to enjoy! So little time!)
I'm continuing regular work with a therapist. Recently, while discussing the concept of "accountability", I had a big "oh wow" moment. We've been working through why I let a "generally healthy and altruistic" sense of helpfulness turn into "Full-On Enabling" when I was with my exH.
We were reviewing Brene Brown's acronym BRAVING and slowly I came to acknowledge that, while I am very fortunate to have several close friends who DO check those boxes, my exH had never checked off any of those categories ... oh I gave him ALL kinds of passes for "getting close" ... but in fact he never did earn my trust. I gave him my life for a pretty ring, because I wanted the fairy tale to be true. In fact, in my heart of hearts, I knew I didn't trust him from day one. But because I was SO desperate to have that fairy tale come true, I just chose to ignore that "messenger in the head". .
My exH had in fact accused me of belittling and emasculating him many times. I always brushed this off as nonsense, but I came to see that my actions throughout the many years of our marriage were generally based on the fact that I didn't trust him to do the right thing. Ever. So in fact, he was not speaking nonsense.
This left me pretty speechless. I sat on her couch, contemplating how a nearly 20 yr marriage could have been based on sand. Because people who don't trust each other don't generally do very well in any shared endeavor, and marriage is at the top of the list of "things that people suck at, when they don't trust each other".
I started to say "how could I have ...." and therapist held up her hand.
I changed course and said "if people only married people who actually deserved their trust, there would be very little work for therapists".
She laughed and said "well, there would still be work. A lot less. A lot, lot, lot less ..."
-- Edited by Fedora on Tuesday 9th of August 2022 12:31:11 AM
Enigmatic said
Aug 9, 2022
Hi Fedora, congratulations on your new home and so glad to hear things are going well for you
DM2021 said
Aug 9, 2022
Hello Fedora, good to hear from you and congratulations on the new house purchase!!
Happy you are doing well!!!
Lyne said
Aug 10, 2022
{{{Fedora}}}. You have a new start and a brand new day. Best of luck!
Breakingfree said
Sep 21, 2022
I can relate to buying a new house and starting over! I really like your perspective with the I get to attitude! Yes peace and freedom on a home is excellent! Sending you love and support on your journey!
Breakingfree said
Oct 19, 2022
I re-read this today and it hit me anew in an introspective moment and as my blinders fall away, I also realize I ignored many red flags to force this second marriage to be what I wanted instead of seeing it for what it was. Also, the not trusting someone that is your husband and hearing about emasculating them hits close to home as well. My first marriage was much of the same and I worked my program diligently and became a career woman after a 16-year marriage to never be financially dependent on another person again. I however repeated the cycles and let my program slip chasing the dream. I forgot that I did not need to defend, argue or justify my existence and it spread to my youngest daughter as well. And now I am divorcing my second husband after 8 years and I believe this lesson for me as finally hit home. I bought my very first home at 44 years old and only have my 14-year old left at home. I am choosing to thrive and assist her in thriving and finding the freedom in being herself. Damage was done and now we spend the time together healing. I am so glad to hear you are doing the work! Sending you love and support on your journey!
Hello! I've been away for awhile but I've missed you guys. :)
Mini update:
The bad: exH was arrested for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times since our divorce was finalized. He's currently got an ankle monitor strapped to his leg for a long time to come.
The good (no, great): I have bought a new house! Despite the housing craziness, my realtor came through and found me a place in my price range and I'm enjoying so many firsts. (Taking care of grass, learning where towel racks go.) Most importantly, learning how to enjoy my life now that my exH is not in it on a daily basis. (SO many things to enjoy! So little time!)
I'm continuing regular work with a therapist. Recently, while discussing the concept of "accountability", I had a big "oh wow" moment. We've been working through why I let a "generally healthy and altruistic" sense of helpfulness turn into "Full-On Enabling" when I was with my exH.
We were reviewing Brene Brown's acronym BRAVING and slowly I came to acknowledge that, while I am very fortunate to have several close friends who DO check those boxes, my exH had never checked off any of those categories ... oh I gave him ALL kinds of passes for "getting close" ... but in fact he never did earn my trust. I gave him my life for a pretty ring, because I wanted the fairy tale to be true. In fact, in my heart of hearts, I knew I didn't trust him from day one. But because I was SO desperate to have that fairy tale come true, I just chose to ignore that "messenger in the head". .
My exH had in fact accused me of belittling and emasculating him many times. I always brushed this off as nonsense, but I came to see that my actions throughout the many years of our marriage were generally based on the fact that I didn't trust him to do the right thing. Ever. So in fact, he was not speaking nonsense.
This left me pretty speechless. I sat on her couch, contemplating how a nearly 20 yr marriage could have been based on sand. Because people who don't trust each other don't generally do very well in any shared endeavor, and marriage is at the top of the list of "things that people suck at, when they don't trust each other".
I started to say "how could I have ...." and therapist held up her hand.
I changed course and said "if people only married people who actually deserved their trust, there would be very little work for therapists".
She laughed and said "well, there would still be work. A lot less. A lot, lot, lot less ..."
-- Edited by Fedora on Tuesday 9th of August 2022 12:31:11 AM
Happy you are doing well!!!