The member discusses letting people take advantage of them. That caused an enormous amount of anger, resentment, and guilt. The member wondered why they denied their own feelings to gain someone else's approval. They realized they lacked courage. Would they be willing to accept that not everyone would be happy with a change? They were fed up with people pleasing. They could lean on their HP and say no when they meant no.
Quote: There is a price that is too great to pay for peace....One cannot pay the price of self-respect. Woodrow Wilson
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I know all too well about people pleasing and lacking courage. I lived that way for many years. Lacking courage seemed paired with fear--would I be rejected, accepted, respected, if I said what I really needed/wanted/ deserved. With alanon I have learned to trust myself, and speak about what I want or need. I no longer care what other's think, except for my son. I do hope to have his respect but I won't compromise on what I believe. Yes it's scary sometimes, but progress not perfection.
JerryF said
Jul 24, 2022
Thanks Lyne for your experience and wisdom as it brings back the journey of my own recovery going from insanity to sanity letting the fellowship and my Higher Power do the lead. In service I give away what has been given to me hopefully praying that others will receive the miracles I have. Again Mahalo. ((((hugs))))
SunnyFrog said
Jul 25, 2022
Good morning.
Perfect topic for me today. Over the weekend I was asked to do something I didn't want to do so I said no as politely as I could. I could tell the other person wasn't happy about it and at first I was ok but then started feeling guilty,went to them and did what they wanted. They didn't thank me or even appreciate it really.
Lesson learned. If I had just allowed myself to feel guilty without acting on it the feeling would have passed. Instead,by giving in, I ended up feeling hurt,used and manipulated. I hope I remember this the next time.
Live and learn....
Have a good day everyone.
DM2021 said
Jul 25, 2022
Thank you from me as well Lyne and Mahalo to you JerryF.
Strings attached to that love and caring/perspective including that reciprocal exchange etc., is what got me
into trouble. As well as those old expectations concerning what I thought I deserved in exchange for all that
I did/do for the alcoholic in my life (or for anyone for that matter). A lot to think about, but can see the whole
global picture how it all plays together. Al-Anon has definitely taught me how that what I decide to do has to
come from the heart with no strings attached, therefore no disappointment. I am certainly a work in progress!!
Lyne said
Jul 25, 2022
Thanks to all for the wonderful ESH. To Sunnyfrog, let's aim to let go of the guilt. Let go and let God. Let go or be dragged. Why should we feel guilty for being true to ourselves??? Do we count any less than others??? NO!
Lyne said
Jul 26, 2022
TT, thank you for sharing your ESH.
WendyP said
Jul 28, 2022
Hi TiredToNight, thank you so much for your sharing, as when I read it, I thought to myself that is what Hope all about, hearing other peoples experience. I can so relate to nearly all of what you shared, and your pain, with what you and your Husband are dealing with your Family. As I, too, am walking that journey. As I have previously shared on MIP, I challenged my son and his Partner for the way they had and were treating my 3 Grand Children. I simply could not stand by and watch of how they were breaking their spirits, and the emotional abuse they were being subjected to.
I was always pro-active within my own Family, especially with my 3 Children, having to protect them from their very violent Alcoholic Father, and also from being treated like that from my own Parents. As a child I learnt well, of how I had to stand up for myself and protect myself from the damage.So when I had my 3, and then the Grand Children, then the Great Grand Children came along, I was ever alert. As I knew about the Disease and its affects from many years in Alanon. Also knowing it was well and truly alive within my Children and theirs. I didn't want my little ones to go through what I did, and have no voice. So I became theirs.
All of them knew of how I felt, and that I wasn't going to watch it happen and not say anything, I stood up for what I believed in.So I brought it all out in the open, to say what happened after that, I wasn't prepared for the after blast. I nearly lost all of my Family Members, as they all took sides, today I have half of them back, but the other half, no. The price I paid, was/is for many, many years, I haven't seen, heard of my 3 Grand Children, nor my son, or my other daughter. Who wanted to take charge of it all, and fix it, so as to keep it under the carpet, when I said "No" I lost her as well.
How I have gotten through all of it, is by the Grace Of God, I have felt the guilt of what I did.Sometimes the little voice says,all the what if's. But I am getting better at dealing with them. Especially when I was told that I was breaking up the Family, and Yes, by my actions, I did, and caused them a lot of pain, by my standing up and challenging them. I did cause it. I have reached out to my son over the time, saying that I am sorry for the pain that I caused all of them, not for challenging them but the pain associated with my decision. I always send a message for all of their Birthdays, Christmas etc, I get nothing back, but I give it to my Higher Power, and believe that His Will, will be done.
It has/ is a very painful journey for me, as their is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them, and send them my love on the wind. All the time I was allowed to be in their lives, we had so much fun, I taught them about love, and affection and to be able to be themselves, and laugh. We had such a wonderful relationship, as I knew what they were living with, and with whom. That helps me to keep going, that I had the years that I had with them, I gave them a foundation that no one can take away from us.
So, that is why, TiredToNight, I wanted to thank you for your sharing, as it helps me know and feel that I am not alone in my journey. Not that I would wish it on anyone, I would not, it doesn't take away the pain of it, but it helps.
My Love,
WendyP.
DM2021 said
Aug 3, 2022
Such lovely shares and great topic Lyne, thank you to everyone {{HUGS}}
The member discusses letting people take advantage of them. That caused an enormous amount of anger, resentment, and guilt. The member wondered why they denied their own feelings to gain someone else's approval. They realized they lacked courage. Would they be willing to accept that not everyone would be happy with a change? They were fed up with people pleasing. They could lean on their HP and say no when they meant no.
Quote: There is a price that is too great to pay for peace....One cannot pay the price of self-respect. Woodrow Wilson
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I know all too well about people pleasing and lacking courage. I lived that way for many years. Lacking courage seemed paired with fear--would I be rejected, accepted, respected, if I said what I really needed/wanted/ deserved. With alanon I have learned to trust myself, and speak about what I want or need. I no longer care what other's think, except for my son. I do hope to have his respect but I won't compromise on what I believe. Yes it's scary sometimes, but progress not perfection.
Thanks Lyne for your experience and wisdom as it brings back the journey of my own recovery going from insanity to sanity letting the fellowship and my Higher Power do the lead. In service I give away what has been given to me hopefully praying that others will receive the miracles I have. Again Mahalo. ((((hugs))))
Perfect topic for me today. Over the weekend I was asked to do something I didn't want to do so I said no as politely as I could. I could tell the other person wasn't happy about it and at first I was ok but then started feeling guilty,went to them and did what they wanted. They didn't thank me or even appreciate it really.
Lesson learned. If I had just allowed myself to feel guilty without acting on it the feeling would have passed. Instead,by giving in, I ended up feeling hurt,used and manipulated. I hope I remember this the next time.
Live and learn....
Have a good day everyone.
Strings attached to that love and caring/perspective including that reciprocal exchange etc., is what got me
into trouble. As well as those old expectations concerning what I thought I deserved in exchange for all that
I did/do for the alcoholic in my life (or for anyone for that matter). A lot to think about, but can see the whole
global picture how it all plays together. Al-Anon has definitely taught me how that what I decide to do has to
come from the heart with no strings attached, therefore no disappointment. I am certainly a work in progress!!
Hi TiredToNight, thank you so much for your sharing, as when I read it, I thought to myself that is what Hope all about, hearing other peoples experience. I can so relate to nearly all of what you shared, and your pain, with what you and your Husband are dealing with your Family. As I, too, am walking that journey. As I have previously shared on MIP, I challenged my son and his Partner for the way they had and were treating my 3 Grand Children. I simply could not stand by and watch of how they were breaking their spirits, and the emotional abuse they were being subjected to.
I was always pro-active within my own Family, especially with my 3 Children, having to protect them from their very violent Alcoholic Father, and also from being treated like that from my own Parents. As a child I learnt well, of how I had to stand up for myself and protect myself from the damage.So when I had my 3, and then the Grand Children, then the Great Grand Children came along, I was ever alert. As I knew about the Disease and its affects from many years in Alanon. Also knowing it was well and truly alive within my Children and theirs. I didn't want my little ones to go through what I did, and have no voice. So I became theirs.
All of them knew of how I felt, and that I wasn't going to watch it happen and not say anything, I stood up for what I believed in.So I brought it all out in the open, to say what happened after that, I wasn't prepared for the after blast. I nearly lost all of my Family Members, as they all took sides, today I have half of them back, but the other half, no. The price I paid, was/is for many, many years, I haven't seen, heard of my 3 Grand Children, nor my son, or my other daughter. Who wanted to take charge of it all, and fix it, so as to keep it under the carpet, when I said "No" I lost her as well.
How I have gotten through all of it, is by the Grace Of God, I have felt the guilt of what I did.Sometimes the little voice says,all the what if's. But I am getting better at dealing with them. Especially when I was told that I was breaking up the Family, and Yes, by my actions, I did, and caused them a lot of pain, by my standing up and challenging them. I did cause it. I have reached out to my son over the time, saying that I am sorry for the pain that I caused all of them, not for challenging them but the pain associated with my decision. I always send a message for all of their Birthdays, Christmas etc, I get nothing back, but I give it to my Higher Power, and believe that His Will, will be done.
It has/ is a very painful journey for me, as their is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them, and send them my love on the wind. All the time I was allowed to be in their lives, we had so much fun, I taught them about love, and affection and to be able to be themselves, and laugh. We had such a wonderful relationship, as I knew what they were living with, and with whom. That helps me to keep going, that I had the years that I had with them, I gave them a foundation that no one can take away from us.
So, that is why, TiredToNight, I wanted to thank you for your sharing, as it helps me know and feel that I am not alone in my journey. Not that I would wish it on anyone, I would not, it doesn't take away the pain of it, but it helps.
My Love,
WendyP.