Leaving My Husband - Still Can't Believe he is Really an Alcoholic?
allsmiles228 said
Jul 18, 2022
I first posted here 2 years ago - when at the beginning of covid, I started to wonder if my husband had a drinking problem. At one point, he drank so much he couldn't stand and had left his throw up all over the floor. It also came out around that time that he had 30k in credit card debt. We had only been married for 6 months. I grew up with alcoholics and tried so hard to work on myself to avoid ending up with one - so I was in absolute shock.
It has been a looong journey - and I am finally leaving him. Even now, I still have trouble thinking of him as an alcoholic. I guess I picture an alcoholic as being drunk all the time or drinking several beers a night - which was my stepfather. After that covid incident my husband rarely drank around me, but so many other behaviors came out.
After the incident during Covid, my husband admitted he had a problem and briefly went to AA. He then declared he was not like "those people." He said he would take two years off drinking, then it turned to one, then it turned to 8 months. He got really angry at me when I questioned him, i.e. I thought you said you were going to take a year off? So I really worked on being hands off and focusing on myself.
My mom unexpectedly died a year ago this month -- she fell down the stairs and broke her pelvis. Then she went downhill in the hospital and died 2 days later. The autopsy listed COPD and alcoholism as the cause. So that was an eye-opener. I can't help but wonder if she partly died from withdrawal.
Anyway, in the devastation of that, my husband started to become mean - telling me I either "talk too much" (when I was sharing a funny story) and "need to respect the listener" - or I am an ice queen and cold snob- making demands of me (you better f-ing answer me now). A few months after my mom died, I was crying about it and he made reference to how his family has happier dispositions and is able to move on from loss, referencing the death of his 100 year old grandfather. I was horrified because my mom was in her early 70s and it wasn't expected. The thing that always surprises me is I wasn't seeing him consistently SEEING the drinking during this time. Nor was he coming home drunk. Even in between all this though, there were times when he was nice. I wondered if it was the stress of his new job. So, it was a bit confusing. It's so funny how we tend to imagine an alcoholic as falling down drunk all the time, etc. My mom wasn't like that. Neither is he. He gained tons of weight - and had to sleep in a separate room because of snoring starting last summer. He kept saying he would lose it - that he could lose it in 30 days. But he didn't take any steps to even try. When I dated him, he was so fit and running each day.
Anyway, it's been the roughest year of my life. Right after my mom died, I went through IVF. He was totally absent from every step of it. It was my last chance to have biological kids and we'd already started the process, so while I had reservations, I decided I'd always regret not trying. The day before the last embroyo transfer, he spent the day at a parade with his friends drinking and called at 10pm to see if he could sleep over his friend's house. This is a 48 year old man!! Go figure, that time I did get pregnant. The day we found out, he lied to me about working late and went to the cigar shop until 10pm (where there is also alcohol). And then, it ended in a miscarriage. The day the miscarriage was confirmed, he went out with his coworkers to a sports bar after work til 9pm.
So, that was it. I told him I want a divorce. He is moving out tomorrow. I'm very proud of myself - my mom spent 30 years in an unhappy marriage and finally decided to get a divorce the month before she died. So I realized life is too short for this. I still love him - despite all this horror. I can't believe I'm saying that! I just wish he could be the person I met - that person was rational, funny, supportive and present -- instead of who he has spiraled into.
And in the process of the divorce - I discovered he never paid off that debt I found out about during Covid. Last year, he told me he paid it off. He made great money last year. AND he took on more CC debt. I just don't understand where the money is going - is drinking this expensive? He doesn't buy tons of physical stuff!
Even now, I'm still like- shouldn't he always be falling down drunk if he's an alcoholic? Has it really progressed if I'm not seeing him drinking a lot? And then Friday night he was slurring when he got home. And this morning, I peeked in through his car window and saw a large beer box that was empty.
So...I'm determined to use this as a new beginning for myself. I've been going to meetings off and on but know I need to find the right one. I just can't believe that as I type this - I still love him. After all the pain he has caused me. And I wonder - what the heck is wrong with me to love someone who has brought me so much pain? Thank you for reading this.
DM2021 said
Jul 19, 2022
{{allsmiles228}} Glad you stopped by to let us know how you are doing and am so sorry
to hear that you have experienced such disappointment with your marriage and miscarriage.
My condolences to you and your family for the loss of your Mom, you have definitely had
a number of trials to negotiate and glad that you are going to Al-Anon meetings!! Keep
going to those meetings and if you do not have a sponsor, maybe finding a trusted soul
you can depend on, who would provide much needed support and guidance, could make
such a big difference for you while you navigate your divorce. I think that the more we
spend in Al-Anon the more we learn about ourselves and could provide us with the
answers we seek about why we choose to be with the people we do.
Lyne said
Jul 19, 2022
{{{all smiles}}}. What a very full plate you have. Sorry about all the loss and chaos. You might want to look up "dry drunk.". It explains about the alcoholic personality that sticks around even if a person is not drinking all of the time. Recovery is needed for that kind of alcoholic, and of course for those of us who have had so much exposure to alcoholism.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you will continue with alanon in whatever way works with your schedule. Peace & love.
allsmiles228 said
Jul 19, 2022
Thank you both! I so appreciate your replies. I'm curious - how do you get matched with a sponsor?
Lyne said
Jul 20, 2022
Hi again allsmiles. I can suggest that you listen to what people say, either on the board or at a meeting. Eventually it may feel like you know a person well enough to ask them to sponsor you. It can take a little work to find the right fit. Sometimes the desired sponsor's schedule it too busy. Sometimes you two may start working together and either the sponsor or the sponsee doesn't care for the direction it's going. We are all unique human beings so the first person you try may not be the right one. But keep trying and it will work out. It's a wonderful healing relationship when it is working. :)
Breakingfree said
Jul 23, 2022
I am so sorry you have had to deal with so much. Awesome job on taking care of yourself and being strong in your decisions. Keep working on yourself and digging into everything al-anon.
I first posted here 2 years ago - when at the beginning of covid, I started to wonder if my husband had a drinking problem. At one point, he drank so much he couldn't stand and had left his throw up all over the floor. It also came out around that time that he had 30k in credit card debt. We had only been married for 6 months. I grew up with alcoholics and tried so hard to work on myself to avoid ending up with one - so I was in absolute shock.
It has been a looong journey - and I am finally leaving him. Even now, I still have trouble thinking of him as an alcoholic. I guess I picture an alcoholic as being drunk all the time or drinking several beers a night - which was my stepfather. After that covid incident my husband rarely drank around me, but so many other behaviors came out.
After the incident during Covid, my husband admitted he had a problem and briefly went to AA. He then declared he was not like "those people." He said he would take two years off drinking, then it turned to one, then it turned to 8 months. He got really angry at me when I questioned him, i.e. I thought you said you were going to take a year off? So I really worked on being hands off and focusing on myself.
My mom unexpectedly died a year ago this month -- she fell down the stairs and broke her pelvis. Then she went downhill in the hospital and died 2 days later. The autopsy listed COPD and alcoholism as the cause. So that was an eye-opener. I can't help but wonder if she partly died from withdrawal.
Anyway, in the devastation of that, my husband started to become mean - telling me I either "talk too much" (when I was sharing a funny story) and "need to respect the listener" - or I am an ice queen and cold snob- making demands of me (you better f-ing answer me now). A few months after my mom died, I was crying about it and he made reference to how his family has happier dispositions and is able to move on from loss, referencing the death of his 100 year old grandfather. I was horrified because my mom was in her early 70s and it wasn't expected. The thing that always surprises me is I wasn't seeing him consistently SEEING the drinking during this time. Nor was he coming home drunk. Even in between all this though, there were times when he was nice. I wondered if it was the stress of his new job. So, it was a bit confusing. It's so funny how we tend to imagine an alcoholic as falling down drunk all the time, etc. My mom wasn't like that. Neither is he. He gained tons of weight - and had to sleep in a separate room because of snoring starting last summer. He kept saying he would lose it - that he could lose it in 30 days. But he didn't take any steps to even try. When I dated him, he was so fit and running each day.
Anyway, it's been the roughest year of my life. Right after my mom died, I went through IVF. He was totally absent from every step of it. It was my last chance to have biological kids and we'd already started the process, so while I had reservations, I decided I'd always regret not trying. The day before the last embroyo transfer, he spent the day at a parade with his friends drinking and called at 10pm to see if he could sleep over his friend's house. This is a 48 year old man!! Go figure, that time I did get pregnant. The day we found out, he lied to me about working late and went to the cigar shop until 10pm (where there is also alcohol). And then, it ended in a miscarriage. The day the miscarriage was confirmed, he went out with his coworkers to a sports bar after work til 9pm.
So, that was it. I told him I want a divorce. He is moving out tomorrow. I'm very proud of myself - my mom spent 30 years in an unhappy marriage and finally decided to get a divorce the month before she died. So I realized life is too short for this. I still love him - despite all this horror. I can't believe I'm saying that! I just wish he could be the person I met - that person was rational, funny, supportive and present -- instead of who he has spiraled into.
And in the process of the divorce - I discovered he never paid off that debt I found out about during Covid. Last year, he told me he paid it off. He made great money last year. AND he took on more CC debt. I just don't understand where the money is going - is drinking this expensive? He doesn't buy tons of physical stuff!
Even now, I'm still like- shouldn't he always be falling down drunk if he's an alcoholic? Has it really progressed if I'm not seeing him drinking a lot? And then Friday night he was slurring when he got home. And this morning, I peeked in through his car window and saw a large beer box that was empty.
So...I'm determined to use this as a new beginning for myself. I've been going to meetings off and on but know I need to find the right one. I just can't believe that as I type this - I still love him. After all the pain he has caused me. And I wonder - what the heck is wrong with me to love someone who has brought me so much pain? Thank you for reading this.
to hear that you have experienced such disappointment with your marriage and miscarriage.
My condolences to you and your family for the loss of your Mom, you have definitely had
a number of trials to negotiate and glad that you are going to Al-Anon meetings!! Keep
going to those meetings and if you do not have a sponsor, maybe finding a trusted soul
you can depend on, who would provide much needed support and guidance, could make
such a big difference for you while you navigate your divorce. I think that the more we
spend in Al-Anon the more we learn about ourselves and could provide us with the
answers we seek about why we choose to be with the people we do.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you will continue with alanon in whatever way works with your schedule. Peace & love.
Thank you both! I so appreciate your replies. I'm curious - how do you get matched with a sponsor?