Today's reading is one of my favorites. The author shares a saying they have heard in Alanon a lot: "An expectation is a premeditated resentment"
The author suggests that when we notice a resentment, we can investigate our expectations for a probable source. The author's example involves a family member who is not prompt. When the author makes plans with this family member that require starting at a specific time, they are establishing conditions that promote their feelings of resentment. If the plans do not include an expectation of promptness, then the author can avoid feelings of resentment when their family member arrives.
Today's Reminder: I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on others.
Today's Quote: "I have accepted myself and I'm beginning to accept other people the way they are each day. Now I have fewer resentments." Living with Sobriety
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I've found myself dealing with resentments most often when I deny what someone is "telling" me through their actions, and expect something else instead. A very silly example is my AW telling me that she's going to dust the living room today. If I believe the words over the actions, I might feel resentment later when the living room still is dusty. However, if I believe what my wife "tells" me through her actions, then I know that she INTENDS to dust the living room, but that the dusting will likely not happen this week if I don't do it. This doesn't mean that I rush to complete her task for her, but it does mean that I plan to make time to do the dusting early in the morning in a few days, if it isn't done by then. I am happily surprised in a few days if the dusting is done, but not resentful of spending my time doing it when I manage the situation in this way.
One way I identify myself setting expectations for others is the word "should". (Since we both live here, we both should work on cleaning the house.) The word "should" is a marker for me that I'm talking about my expectations, and that someone else may or may not agree with those expectations. Although it does take a lot of self-talk and vigilance, it is so much easier to live my life without the resentment, the vigilance and self-talk are worth the effort I put into them.
DM2021 said
Jun 2, 2022
Thank you so much for your service Skorpi!!
I have learned, as well, in Al-Anon, that my expectations (most unrealistic) lead to resentment and anxiety.
So glad that I can now see how those expectations need to be reined in and can now see that they really
have no place in my relationship with the active drinker in my life. I do see that leaning on my HP when
I have difficulty coping and analyzing my expectations (that self-talk exercise) has helped so much in
finding a peaceful place (in the midst of the temporary chaos) for me in my life. I do like that saying
about trying to buy bread at the hardware store!!! {{HUGS}}
Lyne said
Jun 2, 2022
Thanks Skorpi for your service and for all above ESH. The version I've heard is, an expectation is a resentment waiting to happen, but same deal. Betty was instrumental in teaching me to NOT have expectations, however, progress not perfection. One thing this program has taught me is that with practice, practice, and practice, improvement is likely to occur. Grateful member always. :)
Daffodils said
Jun 2, 2022
Thank you so much Skorpi for your service. All the shares show me how to stop making mountains out of molehills. It also occurred to me that when I "should" on people or I tell them what they "need" to do, I'm met with resistance instead of cooperation. When I lean on my HP and program principles/people, I usually experience a surge in energy to do the work to meet my standards without upsetting my/others' serenity. Looking forward to Saturday in-person meeting and expect (hope?) to volunteer for a service position.
Hello MIP!
Today's reading is one of my favorites. The author shares a saying they have heard in Alanon a lot: "An expectation is a premeditated resentment"
The author suggests that when we notice a resentment, we can investigate our expectations for a probable source. The author's example involves a family member who is not prompt. When the author makes plans with this family member that require starting at a specific time, they are establishing conditions that promote their feelings of resentment. If the plans do not include an expectation of promptness, then the author can avoid feelings of resentment when their family member arrives.
Today's Reminder: I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on others.
Today's Quote: "I have accepted myself and I'm beginning to accept other people the way they are each day. Now I have fewer resentments." Living with Sobriety
-----------------------------
I've found myself dealing with resentments most often when I deny what someone is "telling" me through their actions, and expect something else instead. A very silly example is my AW telling me that she's going to dust the living room today. If I believe the words over the actions, I might feel resentment later when the living room still is dusty. However, if I believe what my wife "tells" me through her actions, then I know that she INTENDS to dust the living room, but that the dusting will likely not happen this week if I don't do it. This doesn't mean that I rush to complete her task for her, but it does mean that I plan to make time to do the dusting early in the morning in a few days, if it isn't done by then. I am happily surprised in a few days if the dusting is done, but not resentful of spending my time doing it when I manage the situation in this way.
One way I identify myself setting expectations for others is the word "should". (Since we both live here, we both should work on cleaning the house.) The word "should" is a marker for me that I'm talking about my expectations, and that someone else may or may not agree with those expectations. Although it does take a lot of self-talk and vigilance, it is so much easier to live my life without the resentment, the vigilance and self-talk are worth the effort I put into them.
Thank you so much for your service Skorpi!!
{{HUGS}}
I have learned, as well, in Al-Anon, that my expectations (most unrealistic) lead to resentment and anxiety.
So glad that I can now see how those expectations need to be reined in and can now see that they really
have no place in my relationship with the active drinker in my life. I do see that leaning on my HP when
I have difficulty coping and analyzing my expectations (that self-talk exercise) has helped so much in
finding a peaceful place (in the midst of the temporary chaos) for me in my life. I do like that saying
about trying to buy bread at the hardware store!!!