I'm getting in a little early with the reading this week (it's probably still Wednesday for many of you) as I have the dreaded virus and after I post this I am going to sleep for an as-yet undetermined amount of time. My goal is to sleep until I am well again, lol.
Today's reading talks of reaching acceptance that alcoholism is a disease, and the reader describes finding peace and comfort in having the disease of alcoholism likened to alzheimers; there may be lucid moments but expecting the diseased person to be rational or to resent them when they are not is illogical and just setting ourselves up for dissappointment.
It's funny, when I think back to those final weeks living with my ex A, agreeing to try "one more time" because he promised he wouldn't bring any alcohol into the house. Making this agreement with him even though my stomach turned at the thought of it. And then feeling so depressed when he changed it to "only beer" a few days later, and then utter rage when I saw him sneaking a bottle of scotch past me in the hallway because he had AGREED and how could he value alcohol over my safety? But the folly was all mine, and I knew it deep down. When I finally reached acceptance that his disease would do what it did no matter what I wanted, and no matter what he said he wanted in his occasional sober moments, I was able to make peace with the situation and finally walk away. When we are first confronted with this idea that alcoholism is a disease, I think many of us feel angry because we are still focused on THEM and it feels like we are making excuses for them, or invalidating our own anger/hurt/frustration. It takes a long time (well, it sure took me a long time) to understand that knowing it is a disease doesn't excuse them or invalidate us, it frees us from the compulsion to be responsible for it, and places responsibility for wellness back on THEM. If I had a partner who had an operable brain tumor that made him beat me up every other week, and he refused to have it removed, I wouldn't stick around. The idea is ludicrous. But when the issue is addiction, for some reason we labour under the delusion that it can be bargained away, managed, reasoned with. Accepting that it is a disease makes it far easier to take the necessary steps to protect and care for ourselves.
I need to start remembering this with my brother too. Not five minutes before I wrote this entry, I sent him a message and felt sad and annoyed that he won't reply to my messages lately and that he only ever contacts me when he is drunk and high and in a certain mood. It's a disease Mel, remember? Not a thing in the world you can do about it.
DM2021 said
Mar 24, 2022
Thank you Mel for your service and so sorry you are still battling COVID, hope you feel better soon!!
I never thought of the disease of alcoholism vs an operable disease in the way you described, but wow did
that make sense!! There is no operation for alcoholism and it is such an insidious and cunning disease
that, yes we can be easily fooled by the the ups and downs/broken promises. One-Day-At-A-Time!!!
bud said
Mar 24, 2022
Thank you for your service Youknowme and thank you for yours and DM2021's shares. Sending positive thoughts for you to feel better soonest!
I remember the waiting for the wonderful lucid moments of my exA. The waiting and lack of acceptance kept me stuck and focused on him instead of myself. Acceptance came slowly for me I think I fought it because I was afraid that it would mean I'd need to accept more responsibility and invalidation. I didn't realize that I was also afraid of accepting my own responsibility of boundaries and hard choices. I had a high tolerance for pain and suffering but I finally reached a point where I needed to take action for myself.... best decision ever!
While my qualifier is no longer in my life, I'm so grateful for the program and the tools of Alanon... still practicing and making progress...
Angel_Face said
Mar 24, 2022
New to the boards. Just trying to find a space where I can read words of encouragement by people who can understand what I am going through.
I can relate to the "one more time" issue. My biggest problem has been the "why can't I bring myself to leave" issue when I know the promised to change won't last.
I've been reading a book called "Codependent No More" and it is helping me understand my part in the bigger picture of what is wrong in our relationship. I am working on myself, it is not easy when your self-confidence is shot, but I know I have a part in this as well.
It is hard showing compassion for ourselves and it is hard to not be angry at the alcoholic. Your statement 'understanding that it is a disease and freeing us from the compulsion to be responsible for them'....that is a powerful statement and one that could not be truer.
Thank you.
Lyne said
Mar 24, 2022
Welcome Angel Face, keep coming back.
Thanks YKM for your service and for all above shares. It took me quite awhile to accept that alcoholism was a disease, and it's taken me a few more years to accept that my A does not want any help with this disease. In fact, my A does not even acknowledge a problem with alcohol. In spite of drinking and driving, lying, and our marriage almost ending, there is still that steadfast denial. I finally have accepted that after 30 yrs neither of us wants a divorce, but our marriage has changed into ways that neither of us wanted. I have to say that with this program I am content and at peace much of the time, and I have learned to be OK no matter what the alcoholic is doing.
Daffodils said
Mar 24, 2022
Get well soon Mel...get well soon. Thank you for your service and all the shares. Welcome Angel_Face. This board helped me find hope, strength and tools to design a life that brings me joy. The first lesson (for me) was to put down the microscope and pick up a mirror. Once I embraced that concept, the changes that slowly ensued were mind boggling...Thank you MIP . Wishing everyone a peaceful day.
Iamhere said
Mar 24, 2022
Mel - thank you for your service and so sorry that you are battling this dreaded virus! Sending tons of good thoughts and healing prayers! In spite of being an Alcoholic, the entire disease concept with those I love was hard...very hard. I kept comparing my own recovery journey to them and thinking/saying/pleading/wanting them to just do as I suggested, offered, etc.
For me, I had to really, really, really focus on my powerlessness over other people, places, things, events. Owning my limited power led me to greater trust in a power larger than I and a daily willingness to remember who I am and who I am not helped me better understand how clueless I am about this disease in others.
It was really easy and almost natural or automatic for me to blame this disease in others for 'my issues'. I lived in a complete circle of in onlys and when...then. It took this program, acceptance and practice for me to realize I can find my joy and peace no matter what any other person is/is not doing.
One would think that I would be wiser about the disease concept since I'm in recovery on the 'other side'. Yet, in spite of my own experience, I desperately wanted to save, fix, change my guys - for them and for me. It took me so long to realize how unhealthy it is for me to blame others for my well being as well as to assume I know all the answers for another.
I'm progressing slowly when I keep the focus on me. It truly is a daily commitment each morning to trust the God of my understanding and to take care of me, while allowing others to be who they need to be. I am very grateful for recovery and all of you.
Welcome to MIP Angel_Face! Glad you found us and glad that you've joined in. Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!
I'm getting in a little early with the reading this week (it's probably still Wednesday for many of you) as I have the dreaded virus and after I post this I am going to sleep for an as-yet undetermined amount of time. My goal is to sleep until I am well again, lol.
Today's reading talks of reaching acceptance that alcoholism is a disease, and the reader describes finding peace and comfort in having the disease of alcoholism likened to alzheimers; there may be lucid moments but expecting the diseased person to be rational or to resent them when they are not is illogical and just setting ourselves up for dissappointment.
It's funny, when I think back to those final weeks living with my ex A, agreeing to try "one more time" because he promised he wouldn't bring any alcohol into the house. Making this agreement with him even though my stomach turned at the thought of it. And then feeling so depressed when he changed it to "only beer" a few days later, and then utter rage when I saw him sneaking a bottle of scotch past me in the hallway because he had AGREED and how could he value alcohol over my safety? But the folly was all mine, and I knew it deep down. When I finally reached acceptance that his disease would do what it did no matter what I wanted, and no matter what he said he wanted in his occasional sober moments, I was able to make peace with the situation and finally walk away.
When we are first confronted with this idea that alcoholism is a disease, I think many of us feel angry because we are still focused on THEM and it feels like we are making excuses for them, or invalidating our own anger/hurt/frustration. It takes a long time (well, it sure took me a long time) to understand that knowing it is a disease doesn't excuse them or invalidate us, it frees us from the compulsion to be responsible for it, and places responsibility for wellness back on THEM. If I had a partner who had an operable brain tumor that made him beat me up every other week, and he refused to have it removed, I wouldn't stick around. The idea is ludicrous. But when the issue is addiction, for some reason we labour under the delusion that it can be bargained away, managed, reasoned with. Accepting that it is a disease makes it far easier to take the necessary steps to protect and care for ourselves.
I need to start remembering this with my brother too. Not five minutes before I wrote this entry, I sent him a message and felt sad and annoyed that he won't reply to my messages lately and that he only ever contacts me when he is drunk and high and in a certain mood. It's a disease Mel, remember? Not a thing in the world you can do about it.
I never thought of the disease of alcoholism vs an operable disease in the way you described, but wow did
that make sense!! There is no operation for alcoholism and it is such an insidious and cunning disease
that, yes we can be easily fooled by the the ups and downs/broken promises. One-Day-At-A-Time!!!
I remember the waiting for the wonderful lucid moments of my exA. The waiting and lack of acceptance kept me stuck and focused on him instead of myself. Acceptance came slowly for me I think I fought it because I was afraid that it would mean I'd need to accept more responsibility and invalidation. I didn't realize that I was also afraid of accepting my own responsibility of boundaries and hard choices. I had a high tolerance for pain and suffering but I finally reached a point where I needed to take action for myself.... best decision ever!
While my qualifier is no longer in my life, I'm so grateful for the program and the tools of Alanon... still practicing and making progress...
I can relate to the "one more time" issue. My biggest problem has been the "why can't I bring myself to leave" issue when I know the promised to change won't last.
I've been reading a book called "Codependent No More" and it is helping me understand my part in the bigger picture of what is wrong in our relationship. I am working on myself, it is not easy when your self-confidence is shot, but I know I have a part in this as well.
It is hard showing compassion for ourselves and it is hard to not be angry at the alcoholic. Your statement 'understanding that it is a disease and freeing us from the compulsion to be responsible for them'....that is a powerful statement and one that could not be truer.
Thank you.
Thanks YKM for your service and for all above shares. It took me quite awhile to accept that alcoholism was a disease, and it's taken me a few more years to accept that my A does not want any help with this disease. In fact, my A does not even acknowledge a problem with alcohol. In spite of drinking and driving, lying, and our marriage almost ending, there is still that steadfast denial. I finally have accepted that after 30 yrs neither of us wants a divorce, but our marriage has changed into ways that neither of us wanted. I have to say that with this program I am content and at peace much of the time, and I have learned to be OK no matter what the alcoholic is doing.
For me, I had to really, really, really focus on my powerlessness over other people, places, things, events. Owning my limited power led me to greater trust in a power larger than I and a daily willingness to remember who I am and who I am not helped me better understand how clueless I am about this disease in others.
It was really easy and almost natural or automatic for me to blame this disease in others for 'my issues'. I lived in a complete circle of in onlys and when...then. It took this program, acceptance and practice for me to realize I can find my joy and peace no matter what any other person is/is not doing.
One would think that I would be wiser about the disease concept since I'm in recovery on the 'other side'. Yet, in spite of my own experience, I desperately wanted to save, fix, change my guys - for them and for me. It took me so long to realize how unhealthy it is for me to blame others for my well being as well as to assume I know all the answers for another.
I'm progressing slowly when I keep the focus on me. It truly is a daily commitment each morning to trust the God of my understanding and to take care of me, while allowing others to be who they need to be. I am very grateful for recovery and all of you.
Welcome to MIP Angel_Face! Glad you found us and glad that you've joined in. Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!