ODAT in alanon, Monday, 2/28, detachment and disentanglement
Lyne said
Feb 27, 2022
The writer shares that detachment from alcoholic problems, and disentanglement from difficulties, helps it becomes easier to stop impulsive decisions. We can work on this by pausing, thinking things through, and then forming a constructive action. With practice we will be able to build a serene stability.
Reminder: I look forward to the time when I can say with confidence: In alanon I became able to cope with the realities of my life. A true sense of reality comes only when we can put all the elements of our lives into the correct perspective.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I am coping with the realities of my life: I'm with an alcoholic for 30 years. My A does not desire treatment, and stops drinking here and there for brief periods of time. Sporadically I'm am bestowed with agitated anger. In my commitment to myself to not being a doormat, and my specific dislike of these behaviors, I decided to share how I feel when confronted with agitated anger. There was no fight, no harsh words, nor shaming statements. In fact, my A listened quietly. I have no expectations that things will change. But I felt better sharing my reality with my A. I had paused and thought about what I wanted to say, because that behavior is unacceptable to me. I do remove myself, and entertain myself, but once in awhile I need to speak my truth. And that helps me detach, disentangle, and find my peace and serenity.
DM2021 said
Feb 28, 2022
Thank {{Lyne}} for your service today and your frank ESH.
I too am living with an active drinker for the past 20 years and have literally experienced a roller
coaster of emotions and abuse. Like you I tried to express my feelings for all that I have experienced
and found that it just drags him down, because of the failures, and sets up a series of events that
just disappointment me. I accept that he lives in denial and I can see that it will never change.
Putting both of us in my HP's hands seems to be the best way to handle the situation. {{HUGS}}
Seahorse7 said
Feb 28, 2022
Thank you Lyne and Debbie for this. My situation is the similar, 26 years with my AH who is in deep denial, and any attempt to discuss is met with rage. So I just dont discuss at all, in any way, and bear silent witness to the slow decline. Fortunately at this point he is still high functioning, but I have a plan B for the eventual day that I expect I will have to leave. Meanwhile I do my best to keep away and find my own activities and entertainment when he is drunk, but sometimes I just want to scream at him about how I am watching him kill himself. It is very difficult to feel so alone in a marriage, and I grieve for the little daily losses. It is so good to know you all are out there and understand. Bless you.
Freetime said
Feb 28, 2022
{{{Lyne, DM, Seahorse}}} thank you for sharing on this topic.
I does my heart good to read how all of you are working the program so it works in your lives.
I did not have Al-Anon most of the years I lived with alcoholism -- although finally I did get in and got some tools -- a sponsor and the 3 C's -- to carry me through the most heart-wrenching parts.
Grateful member.
Lyne said
Mar 1, 2022
Thanks for all your above replies. To be clear, I did not attempt to have a 2-way discussion--that never works! But it helped me to say what my experience is, to the source.
Seahorse7, I feel exactly the same way: I'm watching my A kill themself. It's always baffling to me, that my spouse is a Yale graduate and a gifted musician, who does not want help with addiction. So smart in some ways, yet so dumb in others. I get it's a disease. I have osteoporosis--if I did nothing I would become crippled as my mom did. Instead, I get the best help I can, exercise, eat healthy, have doctors, etc. It's a choice to live or die. I'm choosing life.
SunnyFrog said
Mar 2, 2022
Good morning all
I had already read these shares and didn't plan on sharing but right now I feel the desire to.
I felt pain in my heart reading shares because we are all struggling with someone else's addiction. It's just such a sad thing for all of us. Sure,we have a program and tools to cope but none the less it's still just so sad.
Yesterday was a wonderful day with AH, I felt so close to him and had a really good,fun day. Until night time arrived. Now I am back to detaching this morning already because I know that's the best thing to do during this binge. The 3 C's apply here and I can only (hopefully) maintain my serenity through it.
Have a good day everyone.
Iamhere said
Mar 2, 2022
I too live with active disease. I speak my truth when I want to and need to as it's a part of my healing and my recovery. What has changed for me is that my ultimate truth, when I focus on me and dig deeply within using these steps is that I want those I love (self included) to be happy, joyous and free. It's truly simple. I can work on that goal for me and detach to allow others to pursue the same or not.
My relationship with my AH (31 years) has evolved as I've evolved. I no longer confront the disease in him simply because it's insanity - doing the same things, expecting different results. In my case, it's not the disease/drinking that affects me -- it's the collateral damage whether it's financial, health, legal, etc. For an alcoholic, drinking and denying is as natural as coffee for others.
For the last few years, I've been in the mode to avoid toxic people and relationships. Recovery has given me the power to step aside from either or both. In some, I literally deselect the person and in others, such as family, I work to change me, my expectations, my perceptions and my projections. It took me a long, long while to accept that others may never change but I can.
My healing comes from speaking MY truth to others who are healthy and want to know it. My AH could truly care less what I think about him (healthy, per recovery) yet cares deeply if I am hurting. I've had to do the work to be able to identify when I am really hurting instead of just angry, disappointed, self-serving, etc. Learning to love me enough to not give my power away has taken tons of time & practice.
My mother fell again, thankfully landing on her butt. They are meeting with the Orth. surgeon today and I'll know more then. My AH is sick - possibly Covid w/pneumonia. I have no words to express how extremely grateful I am to use our many tools to stay in the moment and not panic. The same applies - extreme gratitude - that I can trust the God of my understanding to point me where I can best be of service. It would be so easy for me to project an 'end of life for my mother full of pain' and I am choosing instead to just pray for her comfort for whatever comes next. Love & light all...
The writer shares that detachment from alcoholic problems, and disentanglement from difficulties, helps it becomes easier to stop impulsive decisions. We can work on this by pausing, thinking things through, and then forming a constructive action. With practice we will be able to build a serene stability.
Reminder: I look forward to the time when I can say with confidence: In alanon I became able to cope with the realities of my life. A true sense of reality comes only when we can put all the elements of our lives into the correct perspective.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I am coping with the realities of my life: I'm with an alcoholic for 30 years. My A does not desire treatment, and stops drinking here and there for brief periods of time. Sporadically I'm am bestowed with agitated anger. In my commitment to myself to not being a doormat, and my specific dislike of these behaviors, I decided to share how I feel when confronted with agitated anger. There was no fight, no harsh words, nor shaming statements. In fact, my A listened quietly. I have no expectations that things will change. But I felt better sharing my reality with my A. I had paused and thought about what I wanted to say, because that behavior is unacceptable to me. I do remove myself, and entertain myself, but once in awhile I need to speak my truth. And that helps me detach, disentangle, and find my peace and serenity.
I too am living with an active drinker for the past 20 years and have literally experienced a roller
coaster of emotions and abuse. Like you I tried to express my feelings for all that I have experienced
and found that it just drags him down, because of the failures, and sets up a series of events that
just disappointment me. I accept that he lives in denial and I can see that it will never change.
Putting both of us in my HP's hands seems to be the best way to handle the situation. {{HUGS}}
I does my heart good to read how all of you are working the program so it works in your lives.
I did not have Al-Anon most of the years I lived with alcoholism -- although finally I did get in and got some tools -- a sponsor and the 3 C's -- to carry me through the most heart-wrenching parts.
Grateful member.
Seahorse7, I feel exactly the same way: I'm watching my A kill themself. It's always baffling to me, that my spouse is a Yale graduate and a gifted musician, who does not want help with addiction. So smart in some ways, yet so dumb in others. I get it's a disease. I have osteoporosis--if I did nothing I would become crippled as my mom did. Instead, I get the best help I can, exercise, eat healthy, have doctors, etc. It's a choice to live or die. I'm choosing life.
I had already read these shares and didn't plan on sharing but right now I feel the desire to.
I felt pain in my heart reading shares because we are all struggling with someone else's addiction. It's just such a sad thing for all of us. Sure,we have a program and tools to cope but none the less it's still just so sad.
Yesterday was a wonderful day with AH, I felt so close to him and had a really good,fun day. Until night time arrived. Now I am back to detaching this morning already because I know that's the best thing to do during this binge. The 3 C's apply here and I can only (hopefully) maintain my serenity through it.
Have a good day everyone.
My relationship with my AH (31 years) has evolved as I've evolved. I no longer confront the disease in him simply because it's insanity - doing the same things, expecting different results. In my case, it's not the disease/drinking that affects me -- it's the collateral damage whether it's financial, health, legal, etc. For an alcoholic, drinking and denying is as natural as coffee for others.
For the last few years, I've been in the mode to avoid toxic people and relationships. Recovery has given me the power to step aside from either or both. In some, I literally deselect the person and in others, such as family, I work to change me, my expectations, my perceptions and my projections. It took me a long, long while to accept that others may never change but I can.
My healing comes from speaking MY truth to others who are healthy and want to know it. My AH could truly care less what I think about him (healthy, per recovery) yet cares deeply if I am hurting. I've had to do the work to be able to identify when I am really hurting instead of just angry, disappointed, self-serving, etc. Learning to love me enough to not give my power away has taken tons of time & practice.
My mother fell again, thankfully landing on her butt. They are meeting with the Orth. surgeon today and I'll know more then. My AH is sick - possibly Covid w/pneumonia. I have no words to express how extremely grateful I am to use our many tools to stay in the moment and not panic. The same applies - extreme gratitude - that I can trust the God of my understanding to point me where I can best be of service. It would be so easy for me to project an 'end of life for my mother full of pain' and I am choosing instead to just pray for her comfort for whatever comes next. Love & light all...