1/18/22 C2C Best Way to Help Qualifier: Focus on Self?
Enigmatic said
Jan 18, 2022
Many come to Alanon with a desperate desire to help their qualifier, the alcoholic. Upon hearing Alnon's suggestion to keep the focus on ourselves, some conclude, prematurely, that such an approach can only be heartless.
One such member waited long enough to consider another possibility: the nature of our previous 'help' was not really helping, only enabling them to continue, and us to obtain some sense of purpose that relieved our own anxiety.
Reminder: Is my 'help' without other motives, truly benefiting the drinker? Or more about getting them to do what I want? Helping those I love begins with focus on my own recovery.
"In Alanon we learn: * Not to create a crisis * Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events." - Detachment -------------------- Many great points in this page. I was the king of acting and directing others to reduce my own discomfort. My efforts seemed well intended to me, but were based upon what I thought the other person should do, feel, want to do...basically what I wanted them to do.
No surprise: I remained unhappy and slowed down their recovery by my interference. At times this tendency still emerges and invade my interactions with others, reduced only with constant work and reminders.
After years of experimenting, there is no doubt, Alanon's suggestion works out for the best. When I live and let live and stay in my lane, everyone wins.
Grateful for Alanan
Lyne said
Jan 18, 2022
Thanks Paul for your service and share. I too, came to program to "fix" my A, and I also tried to force solutions which helped nothing at all. In fact it made things worse. The only way l have been able to find peace is to focus on myself. Yes it seemed ridiculous to me when I walked into the rooms, but OMG what sense it does make. I'm sad that my spouse does not want alcohol treatment, but I am no longer consumed and disturbed by it. I have many hours of many days feeling absolutely calm and enjoying my life. That's the only one I can show up for, me.
Youknowme said
Jan 18, 2022
It's interesting to me that what has finally brought me back to al-anon is both a desperate desire to "help" my brother and my frustrated efforts to get our parents to al-anon. This, after spending all of that time learning to detach from my ex-partner and coming to understand that my help was enabling and my desire to "fix" him was my own way of avoiding the inevitable. Clearly, it's a lesson I'll need to learn over and over. Yet I remember that wonderful aha moment a few years ago when it dawned on me that by constantly fixing everything for my A, I was giving him carte blanche to be as destructive as he liked- since I had appointed myself his manager, health carer, counsellor and nanny. Everyone benefits when I focus on myself and my own recovery and stay out of everyone else's business!
Sometimes I feel like I need to just buy some of the big slogan scrolls we hang on the wall at meetings and hang them in my bedroom.
-- Edited by Youknowme on Tuesday 18th of January 2022 09:35:01 AM
DM2021 said
Jan 18, 2022
Thank you Paul for your service, today's reading and to you, Lyne and YKM for all your shared ESH.
So grateful to Al-Anon on a daily basis for the reminders to stay in my own lane. Sometimes I find
it difficult to detach and when I do not I certainly learn my lesson very quickly!!
Daffodils said
Jan 18, 2022
Good Morning Everyone.
Paul, thank you for your service and the shares. What came up for me today is how offended I was when my husband told me he often keeps me out of the loop because I overreact...I was livid and rhymed off a list of instances where my overreaction saved his bacon. Then I switched gears, " see something, say nothing" to punish him. (extreme sulk mode) Alanon has given me tools to calm down and graciously accept that I can be a source of support without neglecting myself and/or forcing my will. I was guilty of two sins: interfering in the growth of another and my own personal growth. The wisdom on this board has eased my recovery journey. I hope all are safe...the weather has been crazy lately...:)
Iamhere said
Jan 18, 2022
Happy Tuesday MIP. Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Boy howdy....our dear Jerry often says, I didn't know what I didn't know and that sure rings true for me. I also arrived hoping for a 'fix' for my A(s). I was actually offended when it was kindly suggested I focus on me. My pride and ego suggested I was not the problem - pffft.
I was so 'offended' by the suggestions that I decided on the spot Al-Anon was not for me. I returned to my will & my way only to fall further into defeat, despair and all that comes with it. I returned to a different meeting and believe timing (HP inspired) was spot on simply because what I heard made more sense to me. I had no doubt I would struggle as I had spent a lifetime focused on others so small steps, slogans, etc. really helped me in the beginning.
Changing my priorities and putting me first felt extremely foreign. I was lucky to have a sponsor before I arrived and we already had patterns for discussions/meet-ups. She and others at meetings suggested I look for similarities vs. differences, keep my mouth closed and my ear open and focus on listening. I practiced in meetings and then practiced at home too. With practice, I now know that this disease is painful for the diseased also and the last thing they really 'need' from me is advice, judgement, consternation, questioning, suggestions, begging, etc.
All that I've heard in recovery still matters today. With three active A(s), my journey has been 'busy'. However, with only one of us in recovery, it's amazing how much has changed/improved. When I stepped out of the way and let life happen, they do fend for themselves - often in ways I would do differently.
Many come to Alanon with a desperate desire to help their qualifier, the alcoholic. Upon hearing Alnon's suggestion to keep the focus on ourselves, some conclude, prematurely, that such an approach can only be heartless.
One such member waited long enough to consider another possibility: the nature of our previous 'help' was not really helping, only enabling them to continue, and us to obtain some sense of purpose that relieved our own anxiety.
Reminder: Is my 'help' without other motives, truly benefiting the drinker? Or more about getting them to do what I want? Helping those I love begins with focus on my own recovery.
"In Alanon we learn:
* Not to create a crisis
* Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events." - Detachment
--------------------
Many great points in this page. I was the king of acting and directing others to reduce my own discomfort. My efforts seemed well intended to me, but were based upon what I thought the other person should do, feel, want to do...basically what I wanted them to do.
No surprise: I remained unhappy and slowed down their recovery by my interference. At times this tendency still emerges and invade my interactions with others, reduced only with constant work and reminders.
After years of experimenting, there is no doubt, Alanon's suggestion works out for the best. When I live and let live and stay in my lane, everyone wins.
Grateful for Alanan
It's interesting to me that what has finally brought me back to al-anon is both a desperate desire to "help" my brother and my frustrated efforts to get our parents to al-anon. This, after spending all of that time learning to detach from my ex-partner and coming to understand that my help was enabling and my desire to "fix" him was my own way of avoiding the inevitable. Clearly, it's a lesson I'll need to learn over and over. Yet I remember that wonderful aha moment a few years ago when it dawned on me that by constantly fixing everything for my A, I was giving him carte blanche to be as destructive as he liked- since I had appointed myself his manager, health carer, counsellor and nanny.
Everyone benefits when I focus on myself and my own recovery and stay out of everyone else's business!
Sometimes I feel like I need to just buy some of the big slogan scrolls we hang on the wall at meetings and hang them in my bedroom.
-- Edited by Youknowme on Tuesday 18th of January 2022 09:35:01 AM
Thank you Paul for your service, today's reading and to you, Lyne and YKM for all your shared ESH.
So grateful to Al-Anon on a daily basis for the reminders to stay in my own lane. Sometimes I find
it difficult to detach and when I do not I certainly learn my lesson very quickly!!
I was so 'offended' by the suggestions that I decided on the spot Al-Anon was not for me. I returned to my will & my way only to fall further into defeat, despair and all that comes with it. I returned to a different meeting and believe timing (HP inspired) was spot on simply because what I heard made more sense to me. I had no doubt I would struggle as I had spent a lifetime focused on others so small steps, slogans, etc. really helped me in the beginning.
Changing my priorities and putting me first felt extremely foreign. I was lucky to have a sponsor before I arrived and we already had patterns for discussions/meet-ups. She and others at meetings suggested I look for similarities vs. differences, keep my mouth closed and my ear open and focus on listening. I practiced in meetings and then practiced at home too. With practice, I now know that this disease is painful for the diseased also and the last thing they really 'need' from me is advice, judgement, consternation, questioning, suggestions, begging, etc.
All that I've heard in recovery still matters today. With three active A(s), my journey has been 'busy'. However, with only one of us in recovery, it's amazing how much has changed/improved. When I stepped out of the way and let life happen, they do fend for themselves - often in ways I would do differently.
Love and light all - make it a great day!!