My A has decided to blame me for her drinking. I know Im not to blame for her alcohol use. Im to blame for 5 yrs of living half-time near my son, which causes her pain. I have apologized several times for causing her pain. However, there are at least 35 years that I either did not know her and did not live apart half time. 3 AsI did not cause it, cannot control it, and cant cure it. So far I have not reacted. How do others here on MIP handle this situation?
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 15, 2022
((((Lyne)))))
I just wanted to say that I am sending you support. You have many years of Al-Anon on which to draw from. The Three C's are the best to remember in cases like this, but sometimes when faced with constant blame it is hard to stay focused. I found it helpful to remind myself (sometimes daily) that my qualifier was utilizing something almost all addicts use... "The Blame Game." It is an appropriate name b/c it really is a GAME. Obviously, not a fun one for us, but it was important for me to remember that within the "game," what I experienced wasn't reality. It certainly wasn't my reality!
So, you stated above that you have made amends for your part. You have apologized. Anything else is the addict trying to lay blame and shame. I have been known to say, "I have apologized for my part, what more do you want?" and then walk away to let them stew on those words. You know by now that you will never be able to control what they say... they may still want to lay all the blame on you. I think the most important thing is to truly know and accept your part. Then a non-reaction is easier to do.
Wishing you some peace this weekend.
Freetime said
Jan 15, 2022
Dear Lyne, I can only imagine how difficult this must be! What comes to my mind is a saying I heard, both in and outside of Al-Anon, that if someone calls me a chair (or whatever inanimate object), it doesn't mean I am really a chair.
Another thought I have: a parent wanting to live near their child? What parent doesn't want that, if they can have a good relationship with their child? Just my opinion, but if someone is having pain because of that basic human need, it is their responsibility to deal with that pain.
I know your situation might be more complicated, but this is what it brought up for me.
-- Edited by Freetime on Saturday 15th of January 2022 01:38:54 PM
DM2021 said
Jan 15, 2022
{{Lyne}} I always remember that alcoholics project and blame because (gaslighting) this is how they
justify their drinking. I just take it for what it is and detach. {{HUGS}}
Iamhere said
Jan 15, 2022
(((Lyne))) - what Al-Anon tells us is that when another is active in this disease, that person is not in their right mind. We are encouraged to use the program, tools, etc. to take care of self.
I 'see' 2 things in your share - a suggestion that you are blamed for her choices and then a declaration of self-blame for changing up living arrangements. My mind kind of puts the 2 together since both are mentioned and suspect that the boundary you created by changing the living situation is being challenged, big-time.
So, my experience -- at any point I create and impose a boundary for self-protection/sanity, my guys revolted. My illness caused by this disease in others had me 'hostage' to bad behavior of others which in turn generated some bad behavior in me. When I began to put me first, change boundaries as to what was acceptable to/for me, etc. it was ugly here for a long while. Both of mine are currently very distant for different reasons, of which I accept. I accept and move on because the disease still holds them hostage and I no longer want/need to be around unhealthy, toxic people, places and things.
It took me a long while to learn that trying to have a meaningful, intimate conversation with one active in this disease is the same as going to the hardware store for bread. It also took practice, practice, practice to stop the discussion/argument by not reacting or responding. Mine stopped throwing blame/shame my way when I stopped receiving it and stopped participating in 'it'.
I struggled then and still struggle today with what I've called the disconnect between my head and my heart. My head knows that the words, attacks, anger coming from another directed at me are about them and not me. My head knows that I am no match for this disease and am better served by detaching - physically if possible. Yet, my heart pines for a 'normal, loving, relationship' with those I care deeply and the most about. It is my trust in my HP, trust in this program and trust in what others share/suggest that's given me the strength to make changes at each cross-road I face loving those with this disease.
I have improved on being able to 'get out' using I statements. I'm not ready to discuss this. I'm needing time to process all that we've discussed. I'm taking a break for tonight/a few days. I've spent a lifetime trying to timely fix all things - mine and others. I have learned that I love me enough to step away from drama/chaos. How lovely that you have 2 homes and can actually detach physically. So many others don't and have to get creative to carve out space in the same home.
Take good care of you. I remind myself often/always that it takes 2 to get along and 2 to not get along. I do not accept full blame for events in my relationships; I own my part. I do not blame another for events in my relationships either as I am a willing participant often. I need constant reminders that I always, always have choices - I am not ever stuck. (((Hugs)))
Lyne said
Jan 16, 2022
I couldn't wait to get to my ipad this morning and be blessed by anyone (all of you) who responded. I see you "get it" and there is no need for me to carry on or have a fight or try to convince my spouse of anything. My reality is mine and no one can take that away unless I let them, and I'm not going there.
I bought a small condo with a very small inheritance near my son for two reasons: the first was that I didn't know if I could stay with my A. The half week away each week for me is a blessing with built in detachment. The second reason is that my son, his wife, and my granddaughter, live an hour away. With my arthritis, etc., it is no longer possible for me to go up and back in one day. I am there half the week and I'm a real part of their lives. I am sincerely sorry this hurts my A because that is not my goal. But the break is something I need, and as one of you said, it's normal I want to be near my son and his family.
It is only because of the grace of this program that I feel serene today under difficult circumstances. I can be OK no matter what the alcoholic is doing. Thank you MIP family. :)
My A has decided to blame me for her drinking. I know Im not to blame for her alcohol use. Im to blame for 5 yrs of living half-time near my son, which causes her pain. I have apologized several times for causing her pain. However, there are at least 35 years that I either did not know her and did not live apart half time. 3 AsI did not cause it, cannot control it, and cant cure it. So far I have not reacted. How do others here on MIP handle this situation?
((((Lyne)))))
You have many years of Al-Anon on which to draw from. The Three C's are the best to remember in cases like this, but sometimes when faced with constant blame it is hard to stay focused. I found it helpful to remind myself (sometimes daily) that my qualifier was utilizing something almost all addicts use... "The Blame Game."
I just wanted to say that I am sending you support.
It is an appropriate name b/c it really is a GAME. Obviously, not a fun one for us, but it was important for me to remember that within the "game," what I experienced wasn't reality. It certainly wasn't my reality!
So, you stated above that you have made amends for your part. You have apologized. Anything else is the addict trying to lay blame and shame. I have been known to say, "I have apologized for my part, what more do you want?" and then walk away to let them stew on those words. You know by now that you will never be able to control what they say... they may still want to lay all the blame on you. I think the most important thing is to truly know and accept your part. Then a non-reaction is easier to do.
Wishing you some peace this weekend.
Dear Lyne, I can only imagine how difficult this must be! What comes to my mind is a saying I heard, both in and outside of Al-Anon, that if someone calls me a chair (or whatever inanimate object), it doesn't mean I am really a chair.
Another thought I have: a parent wanting to live near their child? What parent doesn't want that, if they can have a good relationship with their child? Just my opinion, but if someone is having pain because of that basic human need, it is their responsibility to deal with that pain.
I know your situation might be more complicated, but this is what it brought up for me.
-- Edited by Freetime on Saturday 15th of January 2022 01:38:54 PM
justify their drinking. I just take it for what it is and detach. {{HUGS}}
I 'see' 2 things in your share - a suggestion that you are blamed for her choices and then a declaration of self-blame for changing up living arrangements. My mind kind of puts the 2 together since both are mentioned and suspect that the boundary you created by changing the living situation is being challenged, big-time.
So, my experience -- at any point I create and impose a boundary for self-protection/sanity, my guys revolted. My illness caused by this disease in others had me 'hostage' to bad behavior of others which in turn generated some bad behavior in me. When I began to put me first, change boundaries as to what was acceptable to/for me, etc. it was ugly here for a long while. Both of mine are currently very distant for different reasons, of which I accept. I accept and move on because the disease still holds them hostage and I no longer want/need to be around unhealthy, toxic people, places and things.
It took me a long while to learn that trying to have a meaningful, intimate conversation with one active in this disease is the same as going to the hardware store for bread. It also took practice, practice, practice to stop the discussion/argument by not reacting or responding. Mine stopped throwing blame/shame my way when I stopped receiving it and stopped participating in 'it'.
I struggled then and still struggle today with what I've called the disconnect between my head and my heart. My head knows that the words, attacks, anger coming from another directed at me are about them and not me. My head knows that I am no match for this disease and am better served by detaching - physically if possible. Yet, my heart pines for a 'normal, loving, relationship' with those I care deeply and the most about. It is my trust in my HP, trust in this program and trust in what others share/suggest that's given me the strength to make changes at each cross-road I face loving those with this disease.
I have improved on being able to 'get out' using I statements. I'm not ready to discuss this. I'm needing time to process all that we've discussed. I'm taking a break for tonight/a few days. I've spent a lifetime trying to timely fix all things - mine and others. I have learned that I love me enough to step away from drama/chaos. How lovely that you have 2 homes and can actually detach physically. So many others don't and have to get creative to carve out space in the same home.
Take good care of you. I remind myself often/always that it takes 2 to get along and 2 to not get along. I do not accept full blame for events in my relationships; I own my part. I do not blame another for events in my relationships either as I am a willing participant often. I need constant reminders that I always, always have choices - I am not ever stuck. (((Hugs)))
I bought a small condo with a very small inheritance near my son for two reasons: the first was that I didn't know if I could stay with my A. The half week away each week for me is a blessing with built in detachment. The second reason is that my son, his wife, and my granddaughter, live an hour away. With my arthritis, etc., it is no longer possible for me to go up and back in one day. I am there half the week and I'm a real part of their lives. I am sincerely sorry this hurts my A because that is not my goal. But the break is something I need, and as one of you said, it's normal I want to be near my son and his family.
It is only because of the grace of this program that I feel serene today under difficult circumstances. I can be OK no matter what the alcoholic is doing. Thank you MIP family. :)