I heard that phrase on the message board maybe 8 yrs agoit sticks in my head. Im quite sure my A came home drunk last night although she insists she no longer drinks. She was tearful on and off, perseverating, talking non-stop, and after 45 min. I said I had to get ready for bed. Did I want to confront her and this behavior? Heck yes. I want her to know that Im not an idiot and know when shes drinking. Then the above phrase entered my head and except for a few brief responses, I did not tell her I know exactly whats going on here. But can I do this next time? I highly doubt it, but I will try Easy Does It ODAT.
DM2021 said
Dec 22, 2021
So sorry Lyne but equally happy for your ability to draw on Al-Anon for comfort and serenity.
I too feel such angst when AH approaches me in an unprovoked and angry manner, when he is drinking.
I just keep telling myself that it is the disease and not the person.
-- Edited by DM2021 on Wednesday 22nd of December 2021 10:05:01 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 22, 2021
Wonderful way to work Your program, Lyne!!
This used to be me too. When I was in the thick of it, I used to recite something I heard here... "Do I want to be right, or do I want peace?" 9 times out of 10 I found that I didn't need to be correct... I knew exactly what was going on. Al-Anon helped me to see through the gas-lighting, the BS.
Try not to worry about your reaction to next time. It hasn't even happened yet
Freetime said
Dec 22, 2021
Thank you, Lyne, and all who have shared.
By coincidence, I've been thinking about that phrase "If you know the answer to a question, dont ask" recently. I hope this example doesn't seem trivial, but it really brings home for me the idea of not asking such questions.
I have a 2-year-old grandson, and I noticed recently that when we ask him if he did something -- and it's something he knows his parents don't want him to do (and by the way, he's in the midst of potty-training), and it's quite obvious he did it -- he will automatically answer No. I think he's giving the answer that he wishes were true. His body told him to do something, his brain is not mature, he followed what his body told him to do -- and now the only solution is denial. (Don't worry about him, his parents are very kind and doing a great job.)
Trying to see it from the other person's perspective gives me a bit of understanding, even if I don't like what I'm understanding.
JerryF said
Dec 23, 2021
I learned the phrase "I know and know that I know" and kept it within me otherwise I would be dealing with blame which was always the entry door to insanity no matter who else was involved. I always lost at the blame game so decided to retire from it and go with not doing insanity, "the continuous and disorderly process of thought". I love the resulting quiet and happiness and my alcoholic/addict had to find her own path. That's and honor to her. Yeppers..."don't ask". Thanks sister have a good day.
Iamhere said
Dec 25, 2021
For me, these scenarios come back to expectations, control and acceptance. At any point in time when I think another is doing wrong or doing wrong 'to me', I need to slow my roll, return to Step One and be reminded that I'm powerless. Humility is the key for me - a recall that I do NOT know what is/is not best for any other person on this planet.
Progress is always a winning strategy for me. There are moments where I can refrain and it feels painful and then there are moments where I can truly detach and keep my joy in place truly trusting my HP & my program.
I heard that phrase on the message board maybe 8 yrs agoit sticks in my head. Im quite sure my A came home drunk last night although she insists she no longer drinks. She was tearful on and off, perseverating, talking non-stop, and after 45 min. I said I had to get ready for bed. Did I want to confront her and this behavior? Heck yes. I want her to know that Im not an idiot and know when shes drinking. Then the above phrase entered my head and except for a few brief responses, I did not tell her I know exactly whats going on here. But can I do this next time? I highly doubt it, but I will try Easy Does It ODAT.
So sorry Lyne but equally happy for your ability to draw on Al-Anon for comfort and serenity.
I too feel such angst when AH approaches me in an unprovoked and angry manner, when he is drinking.
I just keep telling myself that it is the disease and not the person.
-- Edited by DM2021 on Wednesday 22nd of December 2021 10:05:01 AM
Wonderful way to work Your program, Lyne!!
This used to be me too. When I was in the thick of it, I used to recite something I heard here... "Do I want to be right, or do I want peace?" 9 times out of 10 I found that I didn't need to be correct... I knew exactly what was going on. Al-Anon helped me to see through the gas-lighting, the BS.
Try not to worry about your reaction to next time. It hasn't even happened yet
By coincidence, I've been thinking about that phrase "If you know the answer to a question, dont ask" recently. I hope this example doesn't seem trivial, but it really brings home for me the idea of not asking such questions.
I have a 2-year-old grandson, and I noticed recently that when we ask him if he did something -- and it's something he knows his parents don't want him to do (and by the way, he's in the midst of potty-training), and it's quite obvious he did it -- he will automatically answer No. I think he's giving the answer that he wishes were true. His body told him to do something, his brain is not mature, he followed what his body told him to do -- and now the only solution is denial. (Don't worry about him, his parents are very kind and doing a great job.)
Trying to see it from the other person's perspective gives me a bit of understanding, even if I don't like what I'm understanding.
I learned the phrase "I know and know that I know" and kept it within me otherwise I would be dealing with blame which was always the entry door to insanity no matter who else was involved. I always lost at the blame game so decided to retire from it and go with not doing insanity, "the continuous and disorderly process of thought". I love the resulting quiet and happiness and my alcoholic/addict had to find her own path. That's and honor to her. Yeppers..."don't ask". Thanks sister have a good day.
Progress is always a winning strategy for me. There are moments where I can refrain and it feels painful and then there are moments where I can truly detach and keep my joy in place truly trusting my HP & my program.