In an Alanon Group is this acceptable?
Calling you out in front of everyone in a public restaurant and other group members. Than making you apologize just because you left abruptly because you didnt want to argue or fight because you were above all humilated.
They say she isnt talking to us like that but our sickness. How is that so when I have been verbally and mentally abused my entire life. Saying she is talking in general but what a coincidence that she is talking about subjects that you have shared in the past. That it wasnt to hurt me but her tone and face showed disdain. That I take everything as a insult and that I should stop playing the victim. She did it again at literature study meeting. I managed to stay calm. Despite the fact I knew she was talking about me she even confirmed it in front of everyone.
I left. They made the bad guy for not putting up with this. Is it me or someone with a harsh tone is trying to exert dominance over someone. Im basically one year and half new. Not counting the fact the group had to close because of covid. My sponsor telling her things about me even though she denies it. But what a coincidence shes calling me out verbatim. How does she know certain things about me that only my sponsor knows. Supposedly anonymity doesnt exist within group members.
I am devasted. Hurt. Confused. They said they loved me. I thought I was their friend. Despite her saying that we arent in group to make friends. Even though ny sponsor said that is where we learn to be friends. But they refused to acknowledge who is in the wrong here. Double standards, hypocrisy, self righteousness. They got mad because of the way I reacted. But how was I suppose to react when it took everything I had to share the week before that I feel small igsinificant and she basically took parts and pieces and made a knife to stab me in the heart in the most sarcastic way. I feel like I was just a project. I was never a friend. But they can get together and be friends.
I didnt have the courage to call her out. Its suppose to be a safe place. Im tired of fighting. But God forbid I did what she did to me. They stood there and did nothing.
Enigmatic said
Dec 22, 2021
Hi flower, welcome back
It sounds like you have some strong feelings and concerns involving others in your group. You mentioned that you have been involved in Alanon for a year and a half, so the good news is that you know right where to turn to guide you through difficult situations. The same guidance Alanon gives us for dealing with alcohol can be applied in all of our affairs.
Just as with situations involving alcoholism, I don't know what actually happened in your situation with your group. Even if I did, Alanon suggests that I avoid thinking that I know what someone else should do in any situation, and certainly not to give advice on what I think should be done or pass judgement on actions of others.
In Alanon I am guided to focus not on the actions of others, on thinking that I know why others act in certain ways, but instead look at my own actions and determine what lessons I can learn or changes I can make to align with Alanon principles and find peace.
When it comes to anonymity, Alanon is very clear on the importance at a personal and group level, as seen by Tradition 12: "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities".
In my time in Alanon across different groups and even states, I have learned that Alanoners are not perfect, not all hold to every suggestion, principle or Tradition, but overall are very aware of, and practice to the best of their ability, this Tradition.
On an individual level, however, and since there does not exist perfection among those of us who walk this earth, I must accept the fact that I may have to use the guidance and principles I am learning in Alanon to navigate my feelings and reactions to other Alanon members. As the program suggests, Alanoners are often just as ill as alcoholics when arriving to the program...we are all at various places in our recovery journey...we all need the grace of our higher power and forgiveness of others where we ourselves fall short.
I am very grateful for Alanon's guidance in my own life in the topic areas of expectations of others, how my assumptions of the thoughts of others can best be avoided, and how my serenity involves keeping the focus on the changes I can make. When I keep the focus on my thoughts and actions, the serenity and peace I find is a spiritual blessing unlike anything I was able to find on my own.
This is a quiet time in the group as many are on holiday, glad you stopped in and look forward to hearing how you are able to use program principles in finding peace with your current challenges. Good to have you, keep coming back
DM2021 said
Dec 22, 2021
I am sorry that you are experiencing such a difficult time with your f2f group and
Paul has really given you the best interpretation of how Al-Anon should guide all
of us in this type of situation. Definitely, please come back and let us know how
you are doing.
JerryF said
Dec 22, 2021
In program I learned that I had choices and I took that for certain. Learning to think before I did or didn't do a thing was my responsibility to myself and also others. I cannot and do not determine what and how another person can and should act. People also choose what and how they are to act while I choose my responses if any at all. I love knowing I have choices and understanding I also have principles of behavior. I do not have to react rather choosing my response to any person and situation. My sponsor taught me, think and act as the steps and program taught.
Keep coming back we are not of perfection rather choosing progress on a daily basis.
It sounds like you have some strong feelings and concerns involving others in your group. You mentioned that you have been involved in Alanon for a year and a half, so the good news is that you know right where to turn to guide you through difficult situations. The same guidance Alanon gives us for dealing with alcohol can be applied in all of our affairs.
Just as with situations involving alcoholism, I don't know what actually happened in your situation with your group. Even if I did, Alanon suggests that I avoid thinking that I know what someone else should do in any situation, and certainly not to give advice on what I think should be done or pass judgement on actions of others.
In Alanon I am guided to focus not on the actions of others, on thinking that I know why others act in certain ways, but instead look at my own actions and determine what lessons I can learn or changes I can make to align with Alanon principles and find peace.
When it comes to anonymity, Alanon is very clear on the importance at a personal and group level, as seen by Tradition 12: "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities".
In my time in Alanon across different groups and even states, I have learned that Alanoners are not perfect, not all hold to every suggestion, principle or Tradition, but overall are very aware of, and practice to the best of their ability, this Tradition.
On an individual level, however, and since there does not exist perfection among those of us who walk this earth, I must accept the fact that I may have to use the guidance and principles I am learning in Alanon to navigate my feelings and reactions to other Alanon members. As the program suggests, Alanoners are often just as ill as alcoholics when arriving to the program...we are all at various places in our recovery journey...we all need the grace of our higher power and forgiveness of others where we ourselves fall short.
I am very grateful for Alanon's guidance in my own life in the topic areas of expectations of others, how my assumptions of the thoughts of others can best be avoided, and how my serenity involves keeping the focus on the changes I can make. When I keep the focus on my thoughts and actions, the serenity and peace I find is a spiritual blessing unlike anything I was able to find on my own.
This is a quiet time in the group as many are on holiday, glad you stopped in and look forward to hearing how you are able to use program principles in finding peace with your current challenges. Good to have you, keep coming back
Paul has really given you the best interpretation of how Al-Anon should guide all
of us in this type of situation. Definitely, please come back and let us know how
you are doing.
In program I learned that I had choices and I took that for certain. Learning to think before I did or didn't do a thing was my responsibility to myself and also others. I cannot and do not determine what and how another person can and should act. People also choose what and how they are to act while I choose my responses if any at all. I love knowing I have choices and understanding I also have principles of behavior. I do not have to react rather choosing my response to any person and situation. My sponsor taught me, think and act as the steps and program taught.
Keep coming back we are not of perfection rather choosing progress on a daily basis.
Thanks for your share.
