My Ex and I have limited contact. Text only. The first year of separation and then as the divorce went through, I tried to be the best "Ex spouse" I could be. Many times doing things that ended up hurting me - b/c I didn't want my kid's dad to relapse and I wanted my kid to learn that these things could be amicable. Well, Ex did relapse, and went AWOL. Didn't pay support for over a year, and many times sent abusive texts (drunk of course). None of which he remembers BTW. I spent over 29 years with his family, and separating from them was the hardest part... so I worked hard at being "the good guy."
Since that missing period, he went into rehab again (his 3rd) and has maintained his sobriety enough to get a position at the rehab he attended. It has been over a year of this very limited text contact (it is all I can manage honestly).
Today, he sent me a text of a music video. James Arthur - Say You Won't Let Go.
This kind of music I don't listen to, b/c I am a blubbering mess. Many songs with words I can't listen to these days. I have accepted this, and try and move forward. I am furious at this text. I am tired of him holding onto something we had that (for me) just wasn't that good!
I want to set a boundary (even though I feel it will hurt him). I am not sure I should do this, or just ignore. My usual is to ignore, but I want this to stop. I understand that I can't stop his feelings, but I don't want to know them. Ya know?
What I want to text back: "Please do not text me these kinds of things. I no longer can listen to stuff like this, as it spirals me into depression and halts the positive forward progress I am making. Thank you for respecting this request."
Appropriate?
Thanks for any feed back!
Freetime said
Dec 19, 2021
I think it's perfect. Totally about your boundaries. I haven't been in this situation, but I imagine that if it continues, it would be appropriate to block him if you can.
Daffodils said
Dec 19, 2021
Hi PNP. Sending you love and hugs. To echo Freetime, perfect. You're saying what you mean, meaning it without being mean. As for "it will hurt him ", I feel that is between him and his HP. Thank you for being part of my journey . Have a peaceful Sunday evening.
DM2021 said
Dec 20, 2021
Hello PNP, thank you trusting us to share with and can only say that, if it were me .... I would ignore his musical message and move on. {{HUGS}}
Lyne said
Dec 20, 2021
{{{PNP}}} The slogan that comes to mind for me is, Keep it Simple, and follow your gut feeling. Peace & love, Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 20, 2021
Thank you all! Wise counsel from each and every one. As luck would have it, I couldn't reach my sponsor that day. But also, as now I see it, my HP took care of me. I soon got too busy to come back here to check responses or even think more on how that text was affecting me or what I was going to do. That allowed The Pause to just naturally happen. I later checked my phone, and in that Pause Ex had apologized for sending that. Said it was meant for someone else. From the space my HP created, I was able to respond without malice, and without compromising me or my feelings. I feel I was able to set that boundary that was needed for me.
Important things I have realized from this: 1) I am still extremely hurt and have not completely "moved on." It is a good facade, but not real. So perhaps some counseling is in order. 2) Despite all his recovery growth, he still has zero clue about how much this hurt me. About how "damaged" I am. 3) I don't care if he knows or understands #2, b/c I am content with moving forward in my own time and space.
A little set-back today, but a whole lotta growth! Thank you for being part of my healing!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Monday 20th of December 2021 10:18:48 AM
My Ex and I have limited contact. Text only. The first year of separation and then as the divorce went through, I tried to be the best "Ex spouse" I could be. Many times doing things that ended up hurting me - b/c I didn't want my kid's dad to relapse and I wanted my kid to learn that these things could be amicable. Well, Ex did relapse, and went AWOL. Didn't pay support for over a year, and many times sent abusive texts (drunk of course). None of which he remembers BTW. I spent over 29 years with his family, and separating from them was the hardest part... so I worked hard at being "the good guy."
Since that missing period, he went into rehab again (his 3rd) and has maintained his sobriety enough to get a position at the rehab he attended. It has been over a year of this very limited text contact (it is all I can manage honestly).
Today, he sent me a text of a music video. James Arthur - Say You Won't Let Go.
This kind of music I don't listen to, b/c I am a blubbering mess. Many songs with words I can't listen to these days. I have accepted this, and try and move forward. I am furious at this text. I am tired of him holding onto something we had that (for me) just wasn't that good!
I want to set a boundary (even though I feel it will hurt him). I am not sure I should do this, or just ignore. My usual is to ignore, but I want this to stop. I understand that I can't stop his feelings, but I don't want to know them. Ya know?
What I want to text back: "Please do not text me these kinds of things. I no longer can listen to stuff like this, as it spirals me into depression and halts the positive forward progress I am making. Thank you for respecting this request."
Appropriate?
Thanks for any feed back!
Thank you all! Wise counsel from each and every one.
As luck would have it, I couldn't reach my sponsor that day. But also, as now I see it, my HP took care of me. I soon got too busy to come back here to check responses or even think more on how that text was affecting me or what I was going to do. That allowed The Pause to just naturally happen. I later checked my phone, and in that Pause Ex had apologized for sending that. Said it was meant for someone else. From the space my HP created, I was able to respond without malice, and without compromising me or my feelings. I feel I was able to set that boundary that was needed for me.
Important things I have realized from this: 1) I am still extremely hurt and have not completely "moved on." It is a good facade, but not real. So perhaps some counseling is in order.
2) Despite all his recovery growth, he still has zero clue about how much this hurt me. About how "damaged" I am.
3) I don't care if he knows or understands #2, b/c I am content with moving forward in my own time and space.
A little set-back today, but a whole lotta growth! Thank you for being part of my healing!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Monday 20th of December 2021 10:18:48 AM