distance bringing more clarity ... recognizing insanity was so hard in the moment but easier now
Fedora said
Oct 19, 2021
Recently some friends alerted me to social media post my ex had made; they were concerned that he was becoming unhinged and wanted to know if I knew that. Curiosity got the better of me so I went back to his FB page. He had made a number of long posts taking potshots at me and "everyone who had abandoned him for no reason at all" and basically playing the victim card as hard as he could.
The good news was that nothing struck me as new or "more unhinged" - only that he was being public about it. I think that, since I no longer live in the house, he has not had an audience for his victimhood and so he's in search of new supply. I had heard all those statements 100x before.
It made me think about all the things that I had accepted as "just the way we live" that were really unacceptable in any way. The insanity of this disease blinded ME to the line between appropriate and inappropriate. It made me forget that my feelings and values were important. It made me think that "since I'm the sober one", I had to carry the entire job of our marriage and parenting on my shoulders so that he could "be free to be less stressed" (and thus drink less). Oy. What was I waiting for? The sun to rise in the west? When he told me that he had visited a nude dancing establishment and couldn't remember if he had had sex with a girl or not bc he was drunk, I forgave him as easily as if I forgave him for getting to buy milk at the store. Because why? Not sure. At the time I think I wanted him to see how supportive I was of him. Supportive of what? Of him getting so drunk that he forgot our marriage vows and potentially brought disease to my body? Oh yeah "if I make his life easier, he'll drink less". That's Fallacy #1 right there.
Anyway, I am deeply relieved that I got out from that marriage. Now that I'm back amongst the land of the rational people, I can't believe how nice it is to have every day be as nice as the one before - no one verbally abusing me, causing trouble in my finances. I've discovered that single parenting is waaaay easier than married-but-alcoholic-parenting!!
Tonight I'm up late because after helping kid with his instrument practice, I was able to just sit down and play my favorite crossword game on my phone. And then I fell asleep. Not out of exhaustion from stress. Just because I was sitting in a comfy chair and I was very comfortable and I fell asleep. My kid always tells me when he is going to bed, and so I woke up when he did that. Even this simple thing was comfortable and nice.
I hope everyone can enjoy a peaceful time asap. Whether you are with your Q and working your program hard, or away from the Q and working it at more leisure - peace is a wonderful thing. Not being subject to the daily insanity of alcoholism is a wonderful thing.
DM2021 said
Oct 19, 2021
Fedora, thank you for sharing and so happy you are in a good place!!!
Freetime said
Oct 19, 2021
{{{Fedora}}}, thank you for sharing this picture of a peaceful day. I am so happy you have reached the other side, and are enjoying the life you want and deserve.
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 19, 2021
Loved this share, Fedora! So happy that you are fortunate to have changed your daily life to something that gives you JOY instead of insanity!
I must say, I truly related when you said, "I wanted him to see how supportive I was of him." That was me in a nutshell. I was constantly told that I wasn't being supportive of my qualifier or his efforts. Since this was occuring a few years after my spouse's rehab for Meth, it was super triggering for me, b/c I wanted so badly for our life to go back to normal. So I went overboard to prove what a "great wife" I was. All at my own detriment. And to top that off, at the detriment of my kid as well! I continue to work on forgiving myself for staying as long as I did. I told myself it was for my kid's sake, but deep down, many of my actions (or inactions?) were rooted in a deep fear. In actuality, I was just asserting my new boundaries that upset the addicted one. Those boundaries "rocked the boat" that I had spent years trying to keep afloat! I too, got caught up in the Number 1 Fallacy - if I am super supportive and make everything easy on him, he will have zero roadblocks to choose sobriety and save our marriage. I failed to comprehend that the marriage was secondary to him. Not even secondary I believe.
I will have to second the notion that single parenting has been 100% easier than married-to-an addict/alcoholic parenting!! The lack of chaos in my life has been amazing - even living within a pandemic!!
Thank you for posting your version of "the other side." I am so happy to read that you fell asleep in a chair at the end of the day from sheer comfort!
bud said
Oct 19, 2021
((Fedora)) Thank you for your share - it speaks to be because I still have some of "that" going on. I now realize I still tend to be over-empathetic... perhaps in my quest to be (perfectly) supportive. One of the many things I work on is to be mindful of is to be supportive and letting go.
Lyne said
Oct 20, 2021
{{{Fedora}}}. What a lovely post that rings true to me in the past. In the thick of the alcoholic haze, I was blinded to reality and stuck in denial. Now after years of program, Im in rational reality most of the time. Still with my A, 30 yrs, but able to verbalize my needs and boundaries clearly. My A is in another program, and although it isnt AA, some progress is being made. We all must follow our own path, but the goals are the samehealing from alcoholism, taking care of ourselves, and with luck and hard work, feeling peaceful and content some of the time. Bravo to you!
JerryF said
Oct 20, 2021
Thank you Fedora for this post. I love it and the responses it solicits from our recovering family. I saw myself in it also clearly and my alcoholic addict. The disease of addiction affects everyone it comes into contact with which was told to me when I very first came into contact with recovery. I have come to understand that recover also does the same thing. (((hugs)))
Recently some friends alerted me to social media post my ex had made; they were concerned that he was becoming unhinged and wanted to know if I knew that. Curiosity got the better of me so I went back to his FB page. He had made a number of long posts taking potshots at me and "everyone who had abandoned him for no reason at all" and basically playing the victim card as hard as he could.
The good news was that nothing struck me as new or "more unhinged" - only that he was being public about it. I think that, since I no longer live in the house, he has not had an audience for his victimhood and so he's in search of new supply. I had heard all those statements 100x before.
It made me think about all the things that I had accepted as "just the way we live" that were really unacceptable in any way. The insanity of this disease blinded ME to the line between appropriate and inappropriate. It made me forget that my feelings and values were important. It made me think that "since I'm the sober one", I had to carry the entire job of our marriage and parenting on my shoulders so that he could "be free to be less stressed" (and thus drink less). Oy. What was I waiting for? The sun to rise in the west? When he told me that he had visited a nude dancing establishment and couldn't remember if he had had sex with a girl or not bc he was drunk, I forgave him as easily as if I forgave him for getting to buy milk at the store. Because why? Not sure. At the time I think I wanted him to see how supportive I was of him. Supportive of what? Of him getting so drunk that he forgot our marriage vows and potentially brought disease to my body? Oh yeah "if I make his life easier, he'll drink less". That's Fallacy #1 right there.
Anyway, I am deeply relieved that I got out from that marriage. Now that I'm back amongst the land of the rational people, I can't believe how nice it is to have every day be as nice as the one before - no one verbally abusing me, causing trouble in my finances. I've discovered that single parenting is waaaay easier than married-but-alcoholic-parenting!!
Tonight I'm up late because after helping kid with his instrument practice, I was able to just sit down and play my favorite crossword game on my phone. And then I fell asleep. Not out of exhaustion from stress. Just because I was sitting in a comfy chair and I was very comfortable and I fell asleep. My kid always tells me when he is going to bed, and so I woke up when he did that. Even this simple thing was comfortable and nice.
I hope everyone can enjoy a peaceful time asap. Whether you are with your Q and working your program hard, or away from the Q and working it at more leisure - peace is a wonderful thing. Not being subject to the daily insanity of alcoholism is a wonderful thing.
Loved this share, Fedora! So happy that you are fortunate to have changed your daily life to something that gives you JOY instead of insanity!
I must say, I truly related when you said, "I wanted him to see how supportive I was of him."
That was me in a nutshell. I was constantly told that I wasn't being supportive of my qualifier or his efforts. Since this was occuring a few years after my spouse's rehab for Meth, it was super triggering for me, b/c I wanted so badly for our life to go back to normal. So I went overboard to prove what a "great wife" I was. All at my own detriment. And to top that off, at the detriment of my kid as well! I continue to work on forgiving myself for staying as long as I did. I told myself it was for my kid's sake, but deep down, many of my actions (or inactions?) were rooted in a deep fear. In actuality, I was just asserting my new boundaries that upset the addicted one. Those boundaries "rocked the boat" that I had spent years trying to keep afloat! I too, got caught up in the Number 1 Fallacy - if I am super supportive and make everything easy on him, he will have zero roadblocks to choose sobriety and save our marriage. I failed to comprehend that the marriage was secondary to him. Not even secondary I believe.
I will have to second the notion that single parenting has been 100% easier than married-to-an addict/alcoholic parenting!! The lack of chaos in my life has been amazing - even living within a pandemic!!
Thank you for posting your version of "the other side." I am so happy to read that you fell asleep in a chair at the end of the day from sheer comfort!
Thank you Fedora for this post. I love it and the responses it solicits from our recovering family. I saw myself in it also clearly and my alcoholic addict. The disease of addiction affects everyone it comes into contact with which was told to me when I very first came into contact with recovery. I have come to understand that recover also does the same thing. (((hugs)))
