Today we are given a story; one we have heard many times. A man marries a woman who is an alcoholic and his life descends into misery because he cannot change her. When he discovers Al-Anon, he realizes that the only way forward is to change himself.
For whatever reason, perhaps because the wife no longer has to deal with her husband's constant blame/shame/criticism, she sees that she needs help, and she asks him to take her to AA.
------------
We have heard this story at meetings. Many of us have lived it. Some dream that one day, their alcoholic will ask for help, and their story will change.
It is such a good reminder that living with someone who constantly criticizes or is sullen and withdrawn, sets up an animosity that is not conducive to quitting anything, least of all the need to escape through alcohol.
This week, I let my fury and resentment over something awful my AH had done blow up. His reaction, of course, was to fight back...so, we were both in hell for several days where we both tried to get the other to see things differently. (Hah! That sounds so calm...it wasn't!)
The truth is, my AH feels shame and misery over how he has behaved. My anger and resentment forces him into fight or flight, and he generally chooses FIGHT!
My resentment, once engaged, grows and multiplies into something I cannot control. The trick is to recognize what I am doing, my part, and to instead engage my tools. DISENGAGE! As a puppeteer from way back, I find it most difficult to detach...and to trust my HP (not me, not my spouse).
Earlier in the year, ODAT reminded me that my AH suffers from a disease - a physical, mental and spiritual illness: I cannot stop it, any more than I can make a sick person well. I need to detach and still care about both of us.
A wise member of this board gave me these words to pray: "Bless him, change me." This is a daily challenge that I am so grateful for.
-- Edited by Bbrave on Wednesday 29th of September 2021 11:09:31 PM
Lyne said
Sep 30, 2021
Bbrave, thanks for your service and share. Yes, a familiar story indeed! In my case, my A is in denial about having alcohol issues, but finally got involved in OA for food addiction. And amazingly enough, some progress is being made. Am I frustrated though that my A is still an untreated, sometimes active alcoholic? You bet I am. But this program helps me to keep my focus where it needs to be. And when able to do that, I'm a better person all around. Grateful always.
DM2021 said
Sep 30, 2021
Thank you Bbrave for your service, today's reading and to you and Lyne for both your ESH!
Like you both, I am living with an active drinker and have accepted the fact that my focus will always have
to be on me if I want serenity. I see how the disease is progressing and has made dealing with the
paranoia a continual challenge, but I see what I have to do. Any kind of topic raised, no matter how
innocent turns into chaos but like you both I lean on the program and HP. Last night I asked whether
a friends political lawn sign was alright if one is an employee of that local municipal government and it
turned into a monumental issue for AH, I assured him twice that I did not have an agenda and that his
issue with the question was not necessary. He of course continued and I just ignored him until he
walked away. It felt good to automatically see and react appropriately. Grateful member!!!!!
JerryF said
Oct 1, 2021
I read the offering with deep interest because my former wife was alcoholic/addict and our marriage and family was deeply affected by the disease. It was the entry door to both her recovery and mine which accepted both of us with initial pain and sadness. I learned to love her and pray to God gratefully for holding me tightly in its embrace that I failed to kill her on one event. I could not believe I cause such tragic physical damage and that she survived it. She also has that difficulty how ever the journey after being touched by HP was a miracle. We do get miracles from our program and program work.
I don't know where she and/or my step daughter are right now but I do know the love remains. Thank you God...Thank you MIP/Al-Anon.
Today we are given a story; one we have heard many times. A man marries a woman who is an alcoholic and his life descends into misery because he cannot change her. When he discovers Al-Anon, he realizes that the only way forward is to change himself.
For whatever reason, perhaps because the wife no longer has to deal with her husband's constant blame/shame/criticism, she sees that she needs help, and she asks him to take her to AA.
------------
We have heard this story at meetings. Many of us have lived it. Some dream that one day, their alcoholic will ask for help, and their story will change.
It is such a good reminder that living with someone who constantly criticizes or is sullen and withdrawn, sets up an animosity that is not conducive to quitting anything, least of all the need to escape through alcohol.
This week, I let my fury and resentment over something awful my AH had done blow up. His reaction, of course, was to fight back...so, we were both in hell for several days where we both tried to get the other to see things differently. (Hah! That sounds so calm...it wasn't!)
The truth is, my AH feels shame and misery over how he has behaved. My anger and resentment forces him into fight or flight, and he generally chooses FIGHT!
My resentment, once engaged, grows and multiplies into something I cannot control. The trick is to recognize what I am doing, my part, and to instead engage my tools. DISENGAGE! As a puppeteer from way back, I find it most difficult to detach...and to trust my HP (not me, not my spouse).
Earlier in the year, ODAT reminded me that my AH suffers from a disease - a physical, mental and spiritual illness: I cannot stop it, any more than I can make a sick person well. I need to detach and still care about both of us.
A wise member of this board gave me these words to pray: "Bless him, change me." This is a daily challenge that I am so grateful for.
-- Edited by Bbrave on Wednesday 29th of September 2021 11:09:31 PM
Like you both, I am living with an active drinker and have accepted the fact that my focus will always have
to be on me if I want serenity. I see how the disease is progressing and has made dealing with the
paranoia a continual challenge, but I see what I have to do. Any kind of topic raised, no matter how
innocent turns into chaos but like you both I lean on the program and HP. Last night I asked whether
a friends political lawn sign was alright if one is an employee of that local municipal government and it
turned into a monumental issue for AH, I assured him twice that I did not have an agenda and that his
issue with the question was not necessary. He of course continued and I just ignored him until he
walked away. It felt good to automatically see and react appropriately. Grateful member!!!!!
I read the offering with deep interest because my former wife was alcoholic/addict and our marriage and family was deeply affected by the disease. It was the entry door to both her recovery and mine which accepted both of us with initial pain and sadness. I learned to love her and pray to God gratefully for holding me tightly in its embrace that I failed to kill her on one event. I could not believe I cause such tragic physical damage and that she survived it. She also has that difficulty how ever the journey after being touched by HP was a miracle. We do get miracles from our program and program work.
I don't know where she and/or my step daughter are right now but I do know the love remains. Thank you God...Thank you MIP/Al-Anon.
