Chapter Four of Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships, "Negotiating Boundaries," makes the point that knowing what is good for us and what is not good for us is a foundation for setting healthy limits (boundaries) for ourselves, in relationships and other parts of life. Boundaries are for our own safety and protection, and are our responsibility. We cannot force another person to accommodate our needs at the expense of their own. We have to take responsibility for ensuring that our own needs are met.
There are many different stories of boundaries in this chapter. One member shares that she acquired several teenage stepchildren when she married her husband. She had been in Al-Anon and worked with Alateens, so she applied the principles when trying to establish relationships with her new stepchildren. She let the relationships unfold naturally, without forcing solutions. She made herself available, but let the children lead the way. She tries to stay away from control, and offers suggestions only if asked. Now she has good relationships with some of her stepchildren.
I try -- and sometimes succeed, not all the time -- to treat all people the way this member treats her stepchildren. I try not to attempt forcing solutions or giving direct advice unless asked -- even when I have a strong opinion about what they should do. I have seen time and again that other people's lives unfold well without my interference. So my boundary is my own hula hoop, and it generally works well when I stay there.
When an active alcoholic was affecting my life, setting boundaries for him was just an illusion. He could not keep the no-drinking boundary that had been set for him by doctors and by me. I thought if he would just keep that boundary I would feel safe and protected. He tried to accommodate my need for him to not drink -- but that was not his perceived need, so it did not last. Only when I got myself some physical distance and when I gained more of a hands-off attitude toward his drinking, did I begin to get serenity. It was my boundary for myself that gave me that peace. And believe me, it was not perfect, but it was better.
DM2021 said
Sep 17, 2021
Thank you FT for today's reading from the Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships book!
My ESH echo's yours because once I set the "detachment" boundary for myself the perception that,
"if only AH stopped drinking everything would be perfect", was not within my realm of control, I was
much happier and my relationship with AH was much more manageable.
Lyne said
Sep 17, 2021
Thank you FT for your service and I think you hit the nail on the head: you tried to set the boundaries for AH but of course it was to no avail! I tried this with my A for years--I set the boundaries for my A, I tried to force solutions, and even if I was right, I had no business trying to control anyone else. Only until I decided to set boundaries for myself, that real health could begin.
Daffodils said
Sep 17, 2021
Good Morning Everyone. Thank you for your service/ESH and all above shares. By minding my own business, I was able to revisit a boundary I set some time ago. I thankfully kept my mouth shut and allowed my AH to work through a "crisis " on his own. In hindsight, I see that I was anticipating an outcome that hasn't occurred in 18 months. Furthermore, there was time to head off future drama. Thank goodness for Al-Anon tools that helped me navigate through the day with grace , kindness, and patience. I would have freaked out at him for a problem that's in MY head. (yeah, it's humbling). By staying in the moment, we had a great day and got news his Mom will be okay. Thank you HP and MIP.
Bettertomorrow said
Sep 18, 2021
Thank you Freetime and all for your shares.
I too have learned the hard way. In the beginning I had no boundaries at all and merely tried to control, coerce and manipulate my AH to stop drinking. Of course it didn't work. Then I set a boundary that he could only drink low alcohol drinks and set about buying them for him. Of course he drank those and then went off to the shop to buy what he really wanted himself. After that I set a boundary that he could drink what he liked but not in the family room. Again that was about as unsuccessful as my previous attempts - he either did go a different room, but I was left full of resentment for running everything on my own while he was passed out in another room or he ignored me and drank in the family room which ended with some nasty confrontations.
Finally I realised that the boundaries were for me and had to be something within my control. It was all very well to say no alcohol in the house and say that I would leave every time he was drunk, but that was no fun when it was raining, just before the children's meal time and I then had to leave with all four children in tow. I spent more time out of the house than in it, while he was cosily sitting on his own drinking to his heart's content.
In the end, I had to separate physically from him and myself and the children now live apart. I appreciate this is not the solution for everyone, but for me I had to reinforce this boundary for not just my sake but the children aswell. Boundaries literally gave me my serenity back and I am so grateful for that.
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 18, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service.
I can really relate to Bettertomorrow's share of experience. When I first started with 12 stepping, it was with Nar-Anon (about 12 years ago). That morphed into Al-Anon. I learned what boundaries truly were. My boundaries began like ultimatums, but eventually as my knowledge in this program grew, my boundaries took on a healthier tone.
But (and this is a huge but), they never helped me attain serenity while living with the addicted person. Mostly b/c my Ex would crap all over my boundaries, and I always felt the repercussions of his addictions, b/c I was the "responsible party." There was always collateral damage for either myself or my kid - and usually myself, since I became a VERY good shield. I decided it was no way to live any longer. I was so tired of being so resentful. I chose a different path. In some cases, having good boundaries is not enough for happiness while living with an addicted spouse. Each person has to make their own way. Right? My way was to embrace my ultimate boundary: I didn't want to be affected by the collateral damage of addiction any more. I didn't want my kid to sustain any more damage as well. Upholding/honoring that boundary was the hardest thing I have ever had to do b/c it meant so many life changes... many I didn't truly want, but felt I was forced to have.
However, knowing and having strong boundaries has helped tremendously in general Life. Use them all the time in work situations, as well as interactions with my now young adult kid, and interactions with my Ex. So in this respect, boundaries have brought me some serenity.
Freetime said
Sep 18, 2021
PnP, I can relate to your share. Getting some physical distance -- which in my case meant putting my very sick husband in a care home rather than try to care for him at home -- was one of the boundaries that helped me. That relieved a lot of my stress, which then allowed me to be more open to Al-Anon principles such as detachment, and the "detachment with love" part took longer still, and a lot of step work.
Chapter Four of Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships, "Negotiating Boundaries," makes the point that knowing what is good for us and what is not good for us is a foundation for setting healthy limits (boundaries) for ourselves, in relationships and other parts of life. Boundaries are for our own safety and protection, and are our responsibility. We cannot force another person to accommodate our needs at the expense of their own. We have to take responsibility for ensuring that our own needs are met.
There are many different stories of boundaries in this chapter. One member shares that she acquired several teenage stepchildren when she married her husband. She had been in Al-Anon and worked with Alateens, so she applied the principles when trying to establish relationships with her new stepchildren. She let the relationships unfold naturally, without forcing solutions. She made herself available, but let the children lead the way. She tries to stay away from control, and offers suggestions only if asked. Now she has good relationships with some of her stepchildren.
I try -- and sometimes succeed, not all the time -- to treat all people the way this member treats her stepchildren. I try not to attempt forcing solutions or giving direct advice unless asked -- even when I have a strong opinion about what they should do. I have seen time and again that other people's lives unfold well without my interference. So my boundary is my own hula hoop, and it generally works well when I stay there.
When an active alcoholic was affecting my life, setting boundaries for him was just an illusion. He could not keep the no-drinking boundary that had been set for him by doctors and by me. I thought if he would just keep that boundary I would feel safe and protected. He tried to accommodate my need for him to not drink -- but that was not his perceived need, so it did not last. Only when I got myself some physical distance and when I gained more of a hands-off attitude toward his drinking, did I begin to get serenity. It was my boundary for myself that gave me that peace. And believe me, it was not perfect, but it was better.
My ESH echo's yours because once I set the "detachment" boundary for myself the perception that,
"if only AH stopped drinking everything would be perfect", was not within my realm of control, I was
much happier and my relationship with AH was much more manageable.
Thank you Freetime and all for your shares.
I too have learned the hard way. In the beginning I had no boundaries at all and merely tried to control, coerce and manipulate my AH to stop drinking. Of course it didn't work. Then I set a boundary that he could only drink low alcohol drinks and set about buying them for him. Of course he drank those and then went off to the shop to buy what he really wanted himself. After that I set a boundary that he could drink what he liked but not in the family room. Again that was about as unsuccessful as my previous attempts - he either did go a different room, but I was left full of resentment for running everything on my own while he was passed out in another room or he ignored me and drank in the family room which ended with some nasty confrontations.
Finally I realised that the boundaries were for me and had to be something within my control. It was all very well to say no alcohol in the house and say that I would leave every time he was drunk, but that was no fun when it was raining, just before the children's meal time and I then had to leave with all four children in tow. I spent more time out of the house than in it, while he was cosily sitting on his own drinking to his heart's content.
In the end, I had to separate physically from him and myself and the children now live apart. I appreciate this is not the solution for everyone, but for me I had to reinforce this boundary for not just my sake but the children aswell. Boundaries literally gave me my serenity back and I am so grateful for that.
Thank you Freetime for your service.
I can really relate to Bettertomorrow's share of experience. When I first started with 12 stepping, it was with Nar-Anon (about 12 years ago). That morphed into Al-Anon. I learned what boundaries truly were. My boundaries began like ultimatums, but eventually as my knowledge in this program grew, my boundaries took on a healthier tone.
But (and this is a huge but), they never helped me attain serenity while living with the addicted person. Mostly b/c my Ex would crap all over my boundaries, and I always felt the repercussions of his addictions, b/c I was the "responsible party." There was always collateral damage for either myself or my kid - and usually myself, since I became a VERY good shield. I decided it was no way to live any longer. I was so tired of being so resentful. I chose a different path. In some cases, having good boundaries is not enough for happiness while living with an addicted spouse. Each person has to make their own way. Right? My way was to embrace my ultimate boundary: I didn't want to be affected by the collateral damage of addiction any more. I didn't want my kid to sustain any more damage as well. Upholding/honoring that boundary was the hardest thing I have ever had to do b/c it meant so many life changes... many I didn't truly want, but felt I was forced to have.
However, knowing and having strong boundaries has helped tremendously in general Life. Use them all the time in work situations, as well as interactions with my now young adult kid, and interactions with my Ex. So in this respect, boundaries have brought me some serenity.