Chapter 3 of Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships, "Communicating Clearly," explains that in alcoholic relationships, some of us learned to hide and bottle up our feelings, and some of us became "compulsive truth-tellers," unburdening ourselves on the nearest person, whether they wanted to listen or not. Neither approach was working for us, and we were surprised at hearing members be open and honest when sharing at meetings.
Some members related past experiences with communication such as:
Spouses yelling, blaming, and shaming each other
The only experiences of conversing or laughing together involved drinking
Expecting a spouse to know what I wanted, and punishing them when they failed to read my mind
Unable to share their thoughts and feelings with a parent who always needed to be right
Could not identify their own needs, so had no way to get their needs met
Ashamed of the anger and neediness they kept inside
After arguments, had sex as a way to make up, but never talked about the cause of the argument.
In Al-Anon meetings we experience listening, and in working Step Five we experience sharing our true selves with others that we trust. As we try to bring honest communication into our lives, not everyone will respond positively to it. We can only do our part, but communicating clearly gives us a better handle on ourselves and our needs.
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I can relate to being unable to identify my own needs. Having needs would mean I was too demanding or too weak or too vulnerable. I can also relate to expecting others to be able to read my mind. In fact, I thought any reasonable person would think and feel the same way I did, so why couldn't they automatically know what I felt and needed? No wonder I had all that stress I was keeping under a lid. I did not allow myself to have needs, or to expect anything from another person, but at the same time expected others to know what I needed without being told.
Somehow the magic of Al-Anon is giving me the ability to recognize my own needs and communicate them. I am even able to say "no" when I do not want to do something, or when I need to discontinue doing something. That is a huge breakthrough for me, and a real relief.
DM2021 said
Sep 10, 2021
FT, so funny that you should post this today!! I just posted a thread about some difficulties
that I decided to go at head on last night!! AH and his yelling, blaming and shaming just
got to me last night with one tiny small issue that he would have no issue coming at me
with. This time I went at him with it (a light left on for hours in a room that no one is in)
and I got a lot out of my system and turned that darn light off (he is not getting his way
this time). Of course he went into his routine tirade about how awful I am and how no one
likes me, not even my own family, for which I responded that this tactic was getting old
and he needed to find something new to make himself feel good, cause it is not working
(if he want to hurt me and make me feel bad) and never will. My only need right now is
to find my level of serenity again and I will do it. For now I feel that AH and his constant
correcting, yelling, blaming and shaming me is not acceptable. Of course he made mention
of ending the marriage and when I agreed he went ashen, I said wasn't that the answer
you wanted? He walked away and did not say another word. For now I think I got to him.
It doesn't last long, maybe a few months, that will give me sometime to recover.
-- Edited by DM2021 on Friday 10th of September 2021 08:00:38 AM
Lyne said
Sep 10, 2021
Ft, thank you for your service and ESH is always appreciated above. I relate to the reading in that the communication between my A and myself often goes off tilt. My A can be a reasonable, rational, kind person, and other times, I am hit with unwarranted anger, lies, and just plain nonsense that really hurts. I'm no angel! I can take the bait and get into a heated disagreement that serves no purpose whatsoever. Lately, I'm trying to follow the example my sponsor sets of pausing, thinking, not engaging. That truly works the best. And as I learn to practice these skills, my communication with my spouse will improve.
Im said
Sep 11, 2021
FT- what an amazing reflection and share. It wasnt until I joined alanon that I realized I thought and acted that way too. It now seems that way of thinking and acting has ended my relationship w my ABF. Lots of mix feelings here. Tremendous sadness and loss but maybe someday Ill see it was Gods plan for me and appreciate His push away from this relationship. Nonetheless, I have learned a tremendous amount about myself, how I think and act when a experience fear in being vulnerable. Not good and needs much work. Thank you all for sharing.
Chapter 3 of Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships, "Communicating Clearly," explains that in alcoholic relationships, some of us learned to hide and bottle up our feelings, and some of us became "compulsive truth-tellers," unburdening ourselves on the nearest person, whether they wanted to listen or not. Neither approach was working for us, and we were surprised at hearing members be open and honest when sharing at meetings.
Some members related past experiences with communication such as:
In Al-Anon meetings we experience listening, and in working Step Five we experience sharing our true selves with others that we trust. As we try to bring honest communication into our lives, not everyone will respond positively to it. We can only do our part, but communicating clearly gives us a better handle on ourselves and our needs.
-------------
I can relate to being unable to identify my own needs. Having needs would mean I was too demanding or too weak or too vulnerable. I can also relate to expecting others to be able to read my mind. In fact, I thought any reasonable person would think and feel the same way I did, so why couldn't they automatically know what I felt and needed? No wonder I had all that stress I was keeping under a lid. I did not allow myself to have needs, or to expect anything from another person, but at the same time expected others to know what I needed without being told.
Somehow the magic of Al-Anon is giving me the ability to recognize my own needs and communicate them. I am even able to say "no" when I do not want to do something, or when I need to discontinue doing something. That is a huge breakthrough for me, and a real relief.
FT, so funny that you should post this today!! I just posted a thread about some difficulties
that I decided to go at head on last night!! AH and his yelling, blaming and shaming just
got to me last night with one tiny small issue that he would have no issue coming at me
with. This time I went at him with it (a light left on for hours in a room that no one is in)
and I got a lot out of my system and turned that darn light off (he is not getting his way
this time). Of course he went into his routine tirade about how awful I am and how no one
likes me, not even my own family, for which I responded that this tactic was getting old
and he needed to find something new to make himself feel good, cause it is not working
(if he want to hurt me and make me feel bad) and never will. My only need right now is
to find my level of serenity again and I will do it. For now I feel that AH and his constant
correcting, yelling, blaming and shaming me is not acceptable. Of course he made mention
of ending the marriage and when I agreed he went ashen, I said wasn't that the answer
you wanted? He walked away and did not say another word. For now I think I got to him.
It doesn't last long, maybe a few months, that will give me sometime to recover.
-- Edited by DM2021 on Friday 10th of September 2021 08:00:38 AM