Continuing with the second chapter of Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships, "Building and Rebuilding Trust," the member on page 40 shares about learning to "act as if." In her family of origin, showing love was seen as a weakness and could be used against her. She was unable to show love to her husband. One day, she tried acting "as if" when he put his arm around her. She found out that he was grateful for this, that she really could trust him, and that she had nothing to fear from him.
On page 41, a member shares an intimacy inventory that they use to gauge the safety of a relationship, and to check in from time to time as the relationship progresses. It involves the questions:
1. Are there at least a couple things you really like about each other?
2. Do you share a similar sense of ethics?
3. Do you encourage each other to move forward, or hold each other back?
4. How do you each treat the people who no longer matter to you, because someday you might not matter to each other?
The inventory helps this member make reasonable decisions about their relationships.
I think these two stories go well together. To me, it would make sense to think about the inventory questions before deciding to "act as if" I can be vulnerable to and intimate with someone.
Question #4 reminded me of something about my late AH. He didn't speak badly about his past relationships, although he had decided to end those relationships. He told me some details, but without anger or disparagement of the other person. Realizing that, it helps me understand once again that he was a good person with a bad disease.
Alcoholism got in the way of our relationship eventually -- at least it got in the way of my feelings toward him -- but I was able to "act as if" and be as kind as I possibly could under the circumstances, although I did not feel kind at the time. Al-Anon saved me from going ballistic on him. Looking back I can see that I could answer yes to the first three inventory questions. This confirms my feeling that there was a good basis for relationship and that I could trust him in many areas of life, just not about drinking.
DM2021 said
Sep 3, 2021
Thank you FT for this reading, your service and ESH.
I can answer yes to two of the inventory questions.
I know that if I ever try to end my relationship with AH that it would be quite ugly.
Alcoholism/narcissism are two very prominent issues that are deeply imbedded in AH
and Al-Anon has helped me beyond measure to move on with my life without being
affected by these issues anymore.
Bettertomorrow said
Sep 4, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your ESH and service.
Some really interesting inventory questions here. I found that active alcoholism changed so much of the person, that I was left living with the disease which had little ethics, shared values or encouragement for me. The focus for my AH was all on him - the addiction didn't leave enough space for anything else.
I personally couldn't act 'as if' because our relationship changed so much. He was/ is a fully active drinker, always in denial and never sought recovery, so my life was mainly about living with that version of him. There was no emotional space for me or the children, so we eventually left.
However, going forwards these seem like useful questions to assess any potential new relationship against.
Daffodils said
Sep 4, 2021
Thank you Freetime. This increases my awareness and growth. #3 bothered me all day yesterday, then voila, it hit me this morning: My encouragement style interfered with my AH's growth. Al-Anon steps/ tools are changing my approach. #4 is easy-have been in therapy on and off to address my ability to compartmentalize, end relationships (friends, work included) with no feelings attached. I essentially wipe people out. Al-Anon has taught me to stay and face feelings before cutting people off. Ironically when I found MIP/Al-Anon I was ready to bolt but now I'm content with living life on life's terms. The shared perspectives contributes to getting to my core . Have a pleasant day.
Continuing with the second chapter of Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships, "Building and Rebuilding Trust," the member on page 40 shares about learning to "act as if." In her family of origin, showing love was seen as a weakness and could be used against her. She was unable to show love to her husband. One day, she tried acting "as if" when he put his arm around her. She found out that he was grateful for this, that she really could trust him, and that she had nothing to fear from him.
On page 41, a member shares an intimacy inventory that they use to gauge the safety of a relationship, and to check in from time to time as the relationship progresses. It involves the questions:
1. Are there at least a couple things you really like about each other?
2. Do you share a similar sense of ethics?
3. Do you encourage each other to move forward, or hold each other back?
4. How do you each treat the people who no longer matter to you, because someday you might not matter to each other?
The inventory helps this member make reasonable decisions about their relationships.
I think these two stories go well together. To me, it would make sense to think about the inventory questions before deciding to "act as if" I can be vulnerable to and intimate with someone.
Question #4 reminded me of something about my late AH. He didn't speak badly about his past relationships, although he had decided to end those relationships. He told me some details, but without anger or disparagement of the other person. Realizing that, it helps me understand once again that he was a good person with a bad disease.
Alcoholism got in the way of our relationship eventually -- at least it got in the way of my feelings toward him -- but I was able to "act as if" and be as kind as I possibly could under the circumstances, although I did not feel kind at the time. Al-Anon saved me from going ballistic on him. Looking back I can see that I could answer yes to the first three inventory questions. This confirms my feeling that there was a good basis for relationship and that I could trust him in many areas of life, just not about drinking.
I can answer yes to two of the inventory questions.
I know that if I ever try to end my relationship with AH that it would be quite ugly.
Alcoholism/narcissism are two very prominent issues that are deeply imbedded in AH
and Al-Anon has helped me beyond measure to move on with my life without being
affected by these issues anymore.
Thank you Freetime for your ESH and service.
Some really interesting inventory questions here. I found that active alcoholism changed so much of the person, that I was left living with the disease which had little ethics, shared values or encouragement for me. The focus for my AH was all on him - the addiction didn't leave enough space for anything else.
I personally couldn't act 'as if' because our relationship changed so much. He was/ is a fully active drinker, always in denial and never sought recovery, so my life was mainly about living with that version of him. There was no emotional space for me or the children, so we eventually left.
However, going forwards these seem like useful questions to assess any potential new relationship against.