The second chapter of Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships is titled "Building and Rebuilding Trust." It mentions that living with alcoholism has made us unable to be open and honest, because we came to doubt ourselves and mistrust others. We did not to let anyone know the "real me," sometimes as a means of survival. In Al-Anon we can learn to experience healthy trust.
On page 33, a member shares that a her husband's alcoholism had caused her the pain of losing all trust in him, and she built a wall around herself so that even after he became sober she felt isolated and alone with her pain. Working with an Al-Anon sponsor, she is taking small steps toward the goal of rebuilding the relationship with her husband. Although she still has a fear of being hurt again, she believes that she will take a leap of faith with the help of her higher power.
On page 37, a member shares that "trust is not just blind faith." He had started out believing he was a very trusting person, but a Step 4 inventory revealed that this had really been naivete and denial. When his trust in his alcoholic wife was broken, he had swung to the other extreme of never trusting her at all. Now he can choose to be vulnerable while keeping his eyes open to reality. If someone proves unworthy of this intimacy, he can take steps to do what is in his own best interest.
I relate to the loss of trust. It sneaked up on me slowly over years with my husband, who was a really good person with some odd behaviors and increasing health issues. Once I discovered that a lot of this had to do with alcohol, and that he had resorted to hiding the alcohol -- my trust was gone. This was the person I had put all my trust in. It made me angry and bitter. I have since learned that there is a middle ground between denial/naivete and refusing to trust anyone. I like the saying, it's good to be open-minded, but not so much that my brains fall out. This Al-Anon stuff is often a balancing act -- not always easy, and I think that's why we don't do it alone -- sponsors, literature, program friends have been necessary for me to continue keeping my balance.
-- Edited by Freetime on Thursday 26th of August 2021 11:03:21 PM
Lyne said
Aug 27, 2021
Thanks for your service FT. I totally relate to the loss of trust in my 30 year marriage. I spent years being angry, bitter, and confrontive about the lying. All that negativity on my part got me nowhere. Over time, working this program with all the help available, I have reached a position of acceptance. Sometimes my A can tell the truth, and other times, not. I also had to change my expectation--I strive to tell the truth--my A is different. So 100% trust in my relationship is not available. But I can look for the assets that exist in this relationship, and pray my spouse will continue to grow and change. Step 1 reminds me I am powerless over alcoholism.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 27, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service. I could really relate to the message today/
At my core, I am a person who likes to believe in the "Good" in everybody and everything. Perhaps the biggest personal negative living with an addictive SO, was the loss of complete trust in another person.
I am slowly, very slowly learning how to Trust again. But I will never trust someone who uses, and find it hard to get there with someone who has used in the past. A loss of innocence, I guess.
I must say, I really like this quote: "It's good to be open-minded, but not so much that my brains fall out!" LOL! I am "keeping" that!
I hope you all enjoy this spectacular Friday! TGIF!
DM2021 said
Aug 27, 2021
Thank you FT for your service, today's reading and to you, Lyne and PNP for all your shared ESH.
Trust is a really big issue for me concerning AH. I definitely have to "Let Go and Let God" for
the most part all the time. There is very little that he shares with me on a personal level and
when he does he just out and out lies. It is what it is, I do not take it personally.
serenity47 said
Aug 27, 2021
I love the quote as well , its good to be open minded but not so much that my brains fall out lol.
Trust in my life is earned, not just handed over automatically . When someone has proven themselves to be untrustworthy, I allow myself the time to trust them again. A wait and see attitude.
I work hard to be very truthful with others in my life and I have learned that no everyone values the truth. like I do. That's ok and I can let them be exactly who they are without trying to change them . I only need to worry about myself
Daffodils said
Aug 27, 2021
Thank you Freetime for the Intimacy series. I was initially spooked by the idea but am gradually seeing the value. A month ago, a program pal sent me this-"Trust someone who can see the sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger and the reason behind your silence. " It came to mind after reading shares. I am slowly learning to risk vulnerability with the right people which reduces my need to place my trust in one person. This helps me get to my true core and I'm finding it easier to let go and let God. I go through phases of feeling betrayed or bamboozled, but program helps me take responsibility and focus on what I can do now. Thank you for being a safe space to "feel, deal and heal" (?)
Freetime said
Aug 27, 2021
{{{Daffodils}}}, I was spooked by it too. I had this book on my shelf for two years and did not want to read it. I had to force myself by making this commitment to MIP. It's good to know that there are many facets to intimacy.
The second chapter of Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships is titled "Building and Rebuilding Trust." It mentions that living with alcoholism has made us unable to be open and honest, because we came to doubt ourselves and mistrust others. We did not to let anyone know the "real me," sometimes as a means of survival. In Al-Anon we can learn to experience healthy trust.
On page 33, a member shares that a her husband's alcoholism had caused her the pain of losing all trust in him, and she built a wall around herself so that even after he became sober she felt isolated and alone with her pain. Working with an Al-Anon sponsor, she is taking small steps toward the goal of rebuilding the relationship with her husband. Although she still has a fear of being hurt again, she believes that she will take a leap of faith with the help of her higher power.
On page 37, a member shares that "trust is not just blind faith." He had started out believing he was a very trusting person, but a Step 4 inventory revealed that this had really been naivete and denial. When his trust in his alcoholic wife was broken, he had swung to the other extreme of never trusting her at all. Now he can choose to be vulnerable while keeping his eyes open to reality. If someone proves unworthy of this intimacy, he can take steps to do what is in his own best interest.
I relate to the loss of trust. It sneaked up on me slowly over years with my husband, who was a really good person with some odd behaviors and increasing health issues. Once I discovered that a lot of this had to do with alcohol, and that he had resorted to hiding the alcohol -- my trust was gone. This was the person I had put all my trust in. It made me angry and bitter. I have since learned that there is a middle ground between denial/naivete and refusing to trust anyone. I like the saying, it's good to be open-minded, but not so much that my brains fall out. This Al-Anon stuff is often a balancing act -- not always easy, and I think that's why we don't do it alone -- sponsors, literature, program friends have been necessary for me to continue keeping my balance.
-- Edited by Freetime on Thursday 26th of August 2021 11:03:21 PM
At my core, I am a person who likes to believe in the "Good" in everybody and everything. Perhaps the biggest personal negative living with an addictive SO, was the loss of complete trust in another person.
I am slowly, very slowly learning how to Trust again. But I will never trust someone who uses, and find it hard to get there with someone who has used in the past. A loss of innocence, I guess.
I must say, I really like this quote: "It's good to be open-minded, but not so much that my brains fall out!" LOL! I am "keeping" that!
I hope you all enjoy this spectacular Friday! TGIF!
Trust is a really big issue for me concerning AH. I definitely have to "Let Go and Let God" for
the most part all the time. There is very little that he shares with me on a personal level and
when he does he just out and out lies. It is what it is, I do not take it personally.
Trust in my life is earned, not just handed over automatically . When someone has proven themselves to be untrustworthy, I allow myself the time to trust them again. A wait and see attitude.
I work hard to be very truthful with others in my life and I have learned that no everyone values the truth. like I do. That's ok and I can let them be exactly who they are without trying to change them . I only need to worry about myself