I would love words of wisdom here from members as to how this phrase keep the focus on me relates to them/how it is used in their relationships with their Q. New mantra to consider for me. I think it will be helpful as I will shift the focus from Why did my ABF do/not do x,y,z? ... I am beginning to understand it was the wrong way of looking at things... man, I have so much to learn.
-- Edited by Im on Friday 20th of August 2021 02:01:18 PM
DM2021 said
Aug 20, 2021
I hope this helps you {{Im}}
"IN AL-ANON WE LEARN":
"Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people;
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery;
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves;
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink;
Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds;
Not to create a crisis;
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Remember that blaming is not the answer it is the disease!
The disease = insanity there is no way to fight it.
The Alcoholic must not be in denial, you cannot control the Alcoholic.
You must learn to live your own life.
You must learn to find peace and love from within yourself not from others.
You must rely on God.
Detachment is far more compassionate and respectful than the unfeeling distancing or the compulsive involvement many of us have practiced in the past, for when we detach with love, we accept others exactly as they are".
Freetime said
Aug 20, 2021
IM, welcome and thank you for asking this great question. Keep the focus on me -- it sounds simple but is not always easy.
Here are just a few things I did, when I was living with active alcoholism and its devastating effects.
Came to understand that I needed and deserved my own recovery -- so I dived into the Al-Anon program with meetings, literature, sponsor, steps, service.
I sometimes took mini vacations by myself or with a friend to get a break.
It helped me to hear things like "alcoholics drink -- it's what they do," so I did not waste time over-analyzing or trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
I moved myself into the spare bedroom so I had a refuge all my own.
I even got to the point that when I saw there was some alcohol in his room -- and doctor's advice was to completely abstain due to severe health issues -- I was able to say nothing about it and just have a friendly chat with him.
Accepted that this amazing "detachment with love" that we hear about does not come quickly. It took me quite a long time and a lot of work. Progress not perfection.
IM, please take care of yourself, and keep coming back.
Im said
Aug 20, 2021
I just got out of the progress not perfectionmeeting and the topic was about taking on responsibility that isnt mine and the consequences. Man, I could relate. It left me feeling resentful. ABF would ask, ask and ask and Id always say yes, even when overwhelmed. I kept waiting for the effort to be reciprocated. It wasnt. I grew resentful. But to be fair, I didnt ask. I was too afraid to ask, feeling hed say no. ... he was able to prioritize his needs, but I didnt. I thought its what a good gf didnt. I prioritized him and was left feeling like an option. Yep. Well said TT.
In any future relationship, I need to work on recognizing progress while not expecting perfection AND sometimes say nothing. Stop analyzing. It makes my head spin. Thank you, freetime.
DM2021 said
Aug 21, 2021
Nice work Im!
Iamhere said
Aug 21, 2021
Great topic and love the shares and ESH. It was a slow process for me as my on denial had a level of denial that I denied. I literally first off tried to focus on just this one day, and stay present within it. I was one who was either sad/mad about the past or anxious/fearful about the future. I had no idea how to be present.
Thus, small changes I made included, but were not limited to:
- Daily walks with earbuds listening to podcasts/music as a healthy change.
- Stating what was for dinner and what time instead of asking when my guys would be around and what sounded good.
- Scheduled meetings and outings with friends which I rarely did before as I was certain 'the house would burn down if not for me.'
- Scheduled 'laundry day/days', and announced instead of chasing everyone's dirty clothes/towels/bedding/etc.
- Ate when I was ready/hungry with or without others in the family.
- Scheduled time for me (morning) to read the literature, try to pray/meditate for my own sanity/program.
Small changes yielded big results around here. I made subtle changes that I could stick to, be proud of that were healthy for me. In reality, my guys were not upset, put out, etc. as they never asked me to manage all the meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. I just took that role on and went to town with it. I added trying new things to my goals as well as better self-care - health wise, eating, etc.
HTH!!
JerryF said
Aug 21, 2021
Great share and sharing IM and family and this directly reminds me of the reality I had to see when my confusion started to ask me "what is really going on?" The first understanding was same old, same old because I was not working a "Do program". I was attending meetings and not doing anything with what I was listening to. I wasn't into getting a sponsor because my ego was too wide and defensive and I "didn't know that I didn't know what had happened, what it was like and who was involved". This was a disease, a family disease, my disease and my entire family's for years before I came to know anything. I did not know that I could inherit a disease without knowing or wanting to and/or what it appeared like on me and anyone else. I went and was going insane which is a part of the symptoms and so was doing what was natural for the child and family member of alcoholism and drug addiction.
I had to learn and I had to do that willingly...I had to go after what it was that everyone else in the meetings and in life was learning even though I was having a very very hard time. What was primary for this person was to learn about humility...beng teachable and not running from that process even though my ego resisted being taught. Sponsorship was in fact the most important behavior with another member (man) I would not, could not fool or second guess with. My first sponsor was a female and because I felt smarter, stronger than and because my alcoholic/addict was female and I could and would strong arm her when I was raging. She fired me and found Don'T as a sponsor for me and I believed she confered with HP about that before hooking me up with him.
Don had EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE which I could not and would not get around. He knew how to enter my ego, he would ask me question about how I was doing what I was doing with the program and my choices which was a God send. When I got myself in trouble he would ask me, "So what was your part in that?" I learned that truth was best because he had already walked our path before I got there and so I would "truth him all the time" which allowed him to share real experience with me that I could respond and work with. When I learned "my part" wasn't the answer to my problem he would helped me with many other solutions I could practice including telling me..."You are going to have to learn everything you can about your disease" and so I signed up for college which at times burdened my mind and soul so deeply. He has passed now and is like a saint to me...He shared his experiences with me...he didn't BS me at all. Thank you God.
I learned to ask myself his questions so that I would know openly what I was doing that could be changed and that I could ask myself "how do I want this to work out for me?'
I loved my alcoholic/addict and our step children yet my reactive behavior almost took her life. There is more and that is confidential.
All of the solutions have come as a result of the answers to the questions "what am I doing" and "How would I like this to come out?" Understanding that my wife was sick and not bad and you don't beat a sick person and so much more.
Truthfully I am back where it all started and happened and honestly I love her...I have the complete and total acceptance of her as I do everyone on this MIP family. Thank you God for the focus and the recovery.
-- Edited by JerryF on Saturday 21st of August 2021 08:00:50 PM
I would love words of wisdom here from members as to how this phrase keep the focus on me relates to them/how it is used in their relationships with their Q. New mantra to consider for me. I think it will be helpful as I will shift the focus from Why did my ABF do/not do x,y,z? ... I am beginning to understand it was the wrong way of looking at things... man, I have so much to learn.
-- Edited by Im on Friday 20th of August 2021 02:01:18 PM
"IN AL-ANON WE LEARN":
"Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people;
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery;
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves;
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink;
Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds;
Not to create a crisis;
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Remember that blaming is not the answer it is the disease!
The disease = insanity there is no way to fight it.
The Alcoholic must not be in denial, you cannot control the Alcoholic.
You must learn to live your own life.
You must learn to find peace and love from within yourself not from others.
You must rely on God.
Detachment is far more compassionate and respectful than the unfeeling distancing or the compulsive involvement many of us have practiced in the past, for when we detach with love, we accept others exactly as they are".
Here are just a few things I did, when I was living with active alcoholism and its devastating effects.
Came to understand that I needed and deserved my own recovery -- so I dived into the Al-Anon program with meetings, literature, sponsor, steps, service.
I sometimes took mini vacations by myself or with a friend to get a break.
It helped me to hear things like "alcoholics drink -- it's what they do," so I did not waste time over-analyzing or trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
I moved myself into the spare bedroom so I had a refuge all my own.
I even got to the point that when I saw there was some alcohol in his room -- and doctor's advice was to completely abstain due to severe health issues -- I was able to say nothing about it and just have a friendly chat with him.
Accepted that this amazing "detachment with love" that we hear about does not come quickly. It took me quite a long time and a lot of work. Progress not perfection.
IM, please take care of yourself, and keep coming back.
In any future relationship, I need to work on recognizing progress while not expecting perfection AND sometimes say nothing. Stop analyzing. It makes my head spin. Thank you, freetime.
Thus, small changes I made included, but were not limited to:
- Daily walks with earbuds listening to podcasts/music as a healthy change.
- Stating what was for dinner and what time instead of asking when my guys would be around and what sounded good.
- Scheduled meetings and outings with friends which I rarely did before as I was certain 'the house would burn down if not for me.'
- Scheduled 'laundry day/days', and announced instead of chasing everyone's dirty clothes/towels/bedding/etc.
- Ate when I was ready/hungry with or without others in the family.
- Scheduled time for me (morning) to read the literature, try to pray/meditate for my own sanity/program.
Small changes yielded big results around here. I made subtle changes that I could stick to, be proud of that were healthy for me. In reality, my guys were not upset, put out, etc. as they never asked me to manage all the meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. I just took that role on and went to town with it. I added trying new things to my goals as well as better self-care - health wise, eating, etc.
HTH!!
Great share and sharing IM and family and this directly reminds me of the reality I had to see when my confusion started to ask me "what is really going on?" The first understanding was same old, same old because I was not working a "Do program". I was attending meetings and not doing anything with what I was listening to. I wasn't into getting a sponsor because my ego was too wide and defensive and I "didn't know that I didn't know what had happened, what it was like and who was involved". This was a disease, a family disease, my disease and my entire family's for years before I came to know anything. I did not know that I could inherit a disease without knowing or wanting to and/or what it appeared like on me and anyone else. I went and was going insane which is a part of the symptoms and so was doing what was natural for the child and family member of alcoholism and drug addiction.
I had to learn and I had to do that willingly...I had to go after what it was that everyone else in the meetings and in life was learning even though I was having a very very hard time. What was primary for this person was to learn about humility...beng teachable and not running from that process even though my ego resisted being taught. Sponsorship was in fact the most important behavior with another member (man) I would not, could not fool or second guess with. My first sponsor was a female and because I felt smarter, stronger than and because my alcoholic/addict was female and I could and would strong arm her when I was raging. She fired me and found Don'T as a sponsor for me and I believed she confered with HP about that before hooking me up with him.
Don had EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE which I could not and would not get around. He knew how to enter my ego, he would ask me question about how I was doing what I was doing with the program and my choices which was a God send. When I got myself in trouble he would ask me, "So what was your part in that?" I learned that truth was best because he had already walked our path before I got there and so I would "truth him all the time" which allowed him to share real experience with me that I could respond and work with. When I learned "my part" wasn't the answer to my problem he would helped me with many other solutions I could practice including telling me..."You are going to have to learn everything you can about your disease" and so I signed up for college which at times burdened my mind and soul so deeply. He has passed now and is like a saint to me...He shared his experiences with me...he didn't BS me at all. Thank you God.
I learned to ask myself his questions so that I would know openly what I was doing that could be changed and that I could ask myself "how do I want this to work out for me?'
I loved my alcoholic/addict and our step children yet my reactive behavior almost took her life. There is more and that is confidential.
All of the solutions have come as a result of the answers to the questions "what am I doing" and "How would I like this to come out?" Understanding that my wife was sick and not bad and you don't beat a sick person and so much more.
Truthfully I am back where it all started and happened and honestly I love her...I have the complete and total acceptance of her as I do everyone on this MIP family. Thank you God for the focus and the recovery.
-- Edited by JerryF on Saturday 21st of August 2021 08:00:50 PM