The first chapter of Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships has members' shares about various experiences about how someone else's alcoholism affected their feelings about their own value, their sexual relationships, and their need for closeness and intimacy.
On page 24, a member shares that in the past they had always put their focus on other people, but had not developed a relationship with self. Working the steps with a sponsor helped their intimate relationships because knowing they could share all their secrets with another human being and a higher power, they became more willing to share themselves with others.
On page 25, a member shares that someday, they would like to be married and to have an intimate relationship with a spouse. Working the Fourth and Fifth Steps in "excruciating" depth, they are finally seeing into themselves, and they keep coming back to this knowledge of self in preparation for a future marriage.
I relate to the importance of self-knowledge and self-acceptance as the basis for all my close relationships. I have heard that intimacy means into-me-I-see. Self-acceptance is important because I am with myself 24 hours a day, and I have to bring myself to all my relationships. I have to be able to trust myself before I can trust being open and vulnerable with someone else. Without knowing and accepting who I am and what I need, I am at risk of being in an unhappy or even dangerous relationship.
One of the questions the end of this chapter is: "In what ways am I willing to share my inner thoughts and feelings with another person? In what ways am I willing to admit these things to myself?" For me, step work with a sponsor has been a helpful way of sharing very deep feelings -- and has been safe because, for one thing, I had to examine my assets before examining my defects. This lets me do this work from a position of strength. I share the really true deep stuff with my sponsor and a couple of friends who are familiar with living with alcoholism and with Al-Anon. Other people get the edited version, and that is OK, because I can use my judgment about intimacy.
Lyne said
Aug 20, 2021
Ft, thanks for your service and ESH. That reading sounds important and I can relate especially to the part about how alcoholism affected my feelings about myself and took away my value. Due to the length of time of being lied to, and several times being told to my face that I was crazy, the experience devastated me in many ways. But it also brought me to this program, and I have since learned that I do have value and worth, and what others think of me is no longer important. I have to be my own best friend and give myself positive feedback. I cannot afford to rely on others to define me. :)
DM2021 said
Aug 20, 2021
Thanks FT and Lyne, I agree with you both about how alcoholism affecting my value, feelings and intimacy in my relationship with AH.
I cringe thinking about how he made me feel for quite a while, until I joined Al-Anon and learned that what he was doing to me was
well within my control and had nothing to do with me. I subsequently moved on spiritual, mentally and physically. I would never
seek a replacement for what I lack with AH, but I feel better knowing where all that twisted thinking was coming from.
The first chapter of Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships has members' shares about various experiences about how someone else's alcoholism affected their feelings about their own value, their sexual relationships, and their need for closeness and intimacy.
On page 24, a member shares that in the past they had always put their focus on other people, but had not developed a relationship with self. Working the steps with a sponsor helped their intimate relationships because knowing they could share all their secrets with another human being and a higher power, they became more willing to share themselves with others.
On page 25, a member shares that someday, they would like to be married and to have an intimate relationship with a spouse. Working the Fourth and Fifth Steps in "excruciating" depth, they are finally seeing into themselves, and they keep coming back to this knowledge of self in preparation for a future marriage.
I relate to the importance of self-knowledge and self-acceptance as the basis for all my close relationships. I have heard that intimacy means into-me-I-see. Self-acceptance is important because I am with myself 24 hours a day, and I have to bring myself to all my relationships. I have to be able to trust myself before I can trust being open and vulnerable with someone else. Without knowing and accepting who I am and what I need, I am at risk of being in an unhappy or even dangerous relationship.
One of the questions the end of this chapter is: "In what ways am I willing to share my inner thoughts and feelings with another person? In what ways am I willing to admit these things to myself?" For me, step work with a sponsor has been a helpful way of sharing very deep feelings -- and has been safe because, for one thing, I had to examine my assets before examining my defects. This lets me do this work from a position of strength. I share the really true deep stuff with my sponsor and a couple of friends who are familiar with living with alcoholism and with Al-Anon. Other people get the edited version, and that is OK, because I can use my judgment about intimacy.
I cringe thinking about how he made me feel for quite a while, until I joined Al-Anon and learned that what he was doing to me was
well within my control and had nothing to do with me. I subsequently moved on spiritual, mentally and physically. I would never
seek a replacement for what I lack with AH, but I feel better knowing where all that twisted thinking was coming from.