Today's reading is about the consequences of my attitude, and calls for compassion for our qualifiers. Our behaviour (contempt, indignation, neglect) is ego-destroying, and the ego of the drinker is already painfully battered by guilt and fear.
TODAY'S REMINDER: My spouse is a child of God, and therefore entitled to my respect and consideration. I should not seek to judge or punish, because I cannot do this without inflicting damage on myself.
------------
This is a tough reading. My AH has caused so much pain and suffering in our family. I guess I want to know why his ego needs to be protected when he does not protect mine. I assume the lesson here is that regardless, if I act on my resentment, it damages me more than anyone else. Taking the high road requires compassion and protects me from doing further damage to myself.
a4l said
Aug 19, 2021
Thank you for your service Brave and your honesty in sharing.
I know I struggled to see my alcoholic loved ones as children of God. For years and years and even today I have moments where I am definitely not caring about who anyone's child is including myself. What helped me the most was when I accepted that alcoholism is a disease. I don't know if accepted is the right description so much as came to be aware that it must be a disease...because who in their true capacity would ever choose such misery? And it is a miserable existence. Of course that does not absolve all. Not at all. It just shifted my perspective and the rigid walls of resentment, hurt, anger, judgement broke. I was so hyper reactive and absolutely everything sent me off. Justifiably perhaps but it took too much out of me and away from me. I don't like the effect alcohol has on certain loved ones. I don't like the way alcoholism has manifested itself in my family at all. But on a good day, I can differentiate between the person I love and the disease they have. Over time, I have many more good days than not so good days, and I am grateful for that small miracle because you can lot done on a good day!
DM2021 said
Aug 19, 2021
Thank you Bbrave for your service, today's reading and to you and a41 for both of your ESH.
I too struggle, but not anywhere near as much now. It took me several years to, bit by bit, change my attitude and
perspective concerning respecting someone who hurt me deeply and still does now and then.
Working/membership in the Al-Anon program has given me my self-respect back so that I can give that same respect
back to AH. I could never go back to the chaos/drama of several years ago and learning to detach with love and
compassion as well as minding my own business gave me the space to work on me and my life.
Lyne said
Aug 19, 2021
Thank you Bbrave for your service and for above ESH. I have been therewhy should I forgive this person for all the pain and suffering inflicted upon myself and my family??? My son has not spoken to my A in almost 5 yrs. How many times have I been asked, why do you stay? How many times have I considered divorce? And then there is the compassion and wisdom of this program. My A has an illness. I have very bad bones and joints. Its my choice to stick this out and for example, yesterday, we had a most pleasant, productive, and positive day. What if there can be more of those? I have almost 30 years in this relationship. Just for today, Im choosing compassion and consideration. ODAT.
Freetime said
Aug 19, 2021
Good morning, Bbrave and all who have shared. I too came to Al-Anon angry and fearful, and was very disappointed when I heard others share that they had forgiven the alcoholics in their life. How could they do that?? I wanted to hear stories of anger and revenge, not of compassion.
It was learning the facts about alcoholism as a disease, and also hearing the shares of many adult children of alcoholics, that finally helped me turn the page. Understanding that my husband not only had a disease, but that his father had the same disease and it was very difficult for my husband growing up to the extent that he left home as soon as he was of age -- putting those clues together helped me gain some compassion. I did not put that all together until after my husband passed away, but nevertheless it has given me the freedom to not have to keep living with that anger.
That being said, while living with the effects in our marriage and in our home, getting some physical distance, along with working the Al-Anon program, helped me at least maintain a bit of detachment and calm. I occasionally took mini vacations for a weekend, and that helped. Once my husband was moved into a care home, I got some breathing room and could act as if I was compassionate, even if I did not completely feel that way all the time.
Progress not perfection -- Compassion really is better for me, and like all good things it's not always easy to achieve.
Iamhere said
Aug 19, 2021
Thank you Bbrave for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I too was totally angry and befuddled when I arrived at Al-Anon and heard suggestions of compassion and unconditional love/acceptance. Very, very angry - in my mind, my A(s) were the issue - not me. I was even more angry when others suggested I was as sick as my A(s), needed to focus/change me and work this program to restore 'me' to sanity.
In fact, I was so put-off by my first meetings, I returned to fight another day - against the disease, the diseased and many other things beyond my control. When I had enough and hit my bottom, I returned in total defeat and despair yet willing to listen. Actively listen, not sit as I typically do formulating a response or a rebuttal - just listen. Every ounce of 'me' wanted to resist that others in attendance were truly happy, joyous and free while living with a drunk yet body language truly doesn't lie. Those who came before me genuinely smiled, laughed, cared, etc. It was so vastly different from the walls I'd put up, the intensity I deployed to fight everything and everyone and my overall negative outlook and disposition.
What I believe deep within is that in order for me to make room for improvement/new ways/thoughts/characteristics, I truly must let go of old. Old ideas, old resentments, unrealistic wants, etc. For me, the only way to really let go of all the pain, haunting memories, etc. of the past was to truly trust a higher power to restore me to sanity while leading me to a better way/me. When I am spiritually fit and truly trusting this program and my higher power, practicing compassion is easier. When I am left/right of my center, it's much more difficult.
I truly had to stop, stop, stop looking at the issues, defects, mannerisms, etc. in others and focus on me. Each moment I spend focusing on others or past events or future projections, I am missing out on an opportunity to be present, working on my own growth and joy. Speaking as one in recovery in AA, I can tell you that in spite of words, mannerisms, denial, selfishness, etc. (disease characteristics) nobody with a sane mind would ever choose to be a drunk/alcoholic. When active in this disease, I had absolutely no (none, zero, zilch) self-respect or self-esteem - which we know makes it impossible to respect others or hold anyone in esteem.
If I want continuous joy and serenity, I must practice compassion, kindness, patience, acceptance and gratitude. What robs me of my joy over and over and over again is when I am focused or obsessing on other people, places, things - including the past. The more I can practice healthy living, the better my chances are for joyful days and continuous serenity and sanity.
Love & light all - golfed this morning and am now at home, adulting!! Make it a great day!!
Seahorse7 said
Aug 19, 2021
Thank you all who have shared on this topic today. I am personally still wrestling with anger and resentment and your shares will help to prop me up when Im feeling so low. Still learning. Have a peaceful week, wherever you are.
Bbrave said
Aug 19, 2021
Ditto Seahorse7! I am bookmarking this page. What a wonderful collection of wisdom and compassion. I am so glad that when I struggle with a reading, I can count on help from the ESH of members. Bless you all!
Fedora said
Aug 21, 2021
Seahorse 7, I hear you!!
For me, it has been an evolution. I've been SUPER angry at my Q for years. Only recently have I come to understand that I was Also angry at Me. For not respecting boundaries, for allowing bad behavior to go on that jeopardized the safety of my kids - just to keep the peace, for a lot of things. I figured out that as much as I wanted to punish my Q (and MAN DID I EVER), I was actually unable to do so (other than divorcing him, which I did). But I was punishing myself plenty without even realizing it.
Now that I've left the marriage And the residence we shared, I've started to realize that taking care of Me doesn't just include eating right and sleeping well. It also includes telling myself that I forgive myself for being ignorant of the danger and the power of alcoholism. I forgive myself for doing the enabling things I did - because I really thought I was doing what a good wife and mother should do.
I'm still in the early days of my divorced life and even earlier days of living in a new place. I was thinking that the day I moved out I would instantly feel better. And while I certainly did get relief from the daily verbal abuse I was getting, I've still been suffering from a hefty dose of residual anxiety and stress. My therapist says it's from living in a state of hypervigilance for years. Even more pointedly, for living in a state that was at odds with what I believe is right for a home. I Said that I don't want to live with a drunk, but I was continuing to do so, and continuing to placate him just to keep the peace. My heart was really stressed out by this.
Now that I've been working on forgiving myself, I've started to feel better.
Healing takes a while. But starting with yourself seems like a good place to start.
-- Edited by Fedora on Saturday 21st of August 2021 10:08:44 PM
Im said
Aug 22, 2021
This!!!! This is what I am struggling with. The more insight and deeper reflection of that relationship w my ABF, I am seeing things differently. I so needed this reading and ESH today. Thank you everyone for sharing. I am off to journal a bit. Lots to learn here. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I truly appreciate this forum so much.
-- Edited by Im on Sunday 22nd of August 2021 07:53:37 AM
Today's reading is about the consequences of my attitude, and calls for compassion for our qualifiers. Our behaviour (contempt, indignation, neglect) is ego-destroying, and the ego of the drinker is already painfully battered by guilt and fear.
TODAY'S REMINDER: My spouse is a child of God, and therefore entitled to my respect and consideration. I should not seek to judge or punish, because I cannot do this without inflicting damage on myself.
------------
This is a tough reading. My AH has caused so much pain and suffering in our family. I guess I want to know why his ego needs to be protected when he does not protect mine. I assume the lesson here is that regardless, if I act on my resentment, it damages me more than anyone else. Taking the high road requires compassion and protects me from doing further damage to myself.
I know I struggled to see my alcoholic loved ones as children of God. For years and years and even today I have moments where I am definitely not caring about who anyone's child is including myself. What helped me the most was when I accepted that alcoholism is a disease. I don't know if accepted is the right description so much as came to be aware that it must be a disease...because who in their true capacity would ever choose such misery? And it is a miserable existence. Of course that does not absolve all. Not at all. It just shifted my perspective and the rigid walls of resentment, hurt, anger, judgement broke. I was so hyper reactive and absolutely everything sent me off. Justifiably perhaps but it took too much out of me and away from me. I don't like the effect alcohol has on certain loved ones. I don't like the way alcoholism has manifested itself in my family at all. But on a good day, I can differentiate between the person I love and the disease they have. Over time, I have many more good days than not so good days, and I am grateful for that small miracle because you can lot done on a good day!
I too struggle, but not anywhere near as much now. It took me several years to, bit by bit, change my attitude and
perspective concerning respecting someone who hurt me deeply and still does now and then.
Working/membership in the Al-Anon program has given me my self-respect back so that I can give that same respect
back to AH. I could never go back to the chaos/drama of several years ago and learning to detach with love and
compassion as well as minding my own business gave me the space to work on me and my life.
It was learning the facts about alcoholism as a disease, and also hearing the shares of many adult children of alcoholics, that finally helped me turn the page. Understanding that my husband not only had a disease, but that his father had the same disease and it was very difficult for my husband growing up to the extent that he left home as soon as he was of age -- putting those clues together helped me gain some compassion. I did not put that all together until after my husband passed away, but nevertheless it has given me the freedom to not have to keep living with that anger.
That being said, while living with the effects in our marriage and in our home, getting some physical distance, along with working the Al-Anon program, helped me at least maintain a bit of detachment and calm. I occasionally took mini vacations for a weekend, and that helped. Once my husband was moved into a care home, I got some breathing room and could act as if I was compassionate, even if I did not completely feel that way all the time.
Progress not perfection -- Compassion really is better for me, and like all good things it's not always easy to achieve.
In fact, I was so put-off by my first meetings, I returned to fight another day - against the disease, the diseased and many other things beyond my control. When I had enough and hit my bottom, I returned in total defeat and despair yet willing to listen. Actively listen, not sit as I typically do formulating a response or a rebuttal - just listen. Every ounce of 'me' wanted to resist that others in attendance were truly happy, joyous and free while living with a drunk yet body language truly doesn't lie. Those who came before me genuinely smiled, laughed, cared, etc. It was so vastly different from the walls I'd put up, the intensity I deployed to fight everything and everyone and my overall negative outlook and disposition.
What I believe deep within is that in order for me to make room for improvement/new ways/thoughts/characteristics, I truly must let go of old. Old ideas, old resentments, unrealistic wants, etc. For me, the only way to really let go of all the pain, haunting memories, etc. of the past was to truly trust a higher power to restore me to sanity while leading me to a better way/me. When I am spiritually fit and truly trusting this program and my higher power, practicing compassion is easier. When I am left/right of my center, it's much more difficult.
I truly had to stop, stop, stop looking at the issues, defects, mannerisms, etc. in others and focus on me. Each moment I spend focusing on others or past events or future projections, I am missing out on an opportunity to be present, working on my own growth and joy. Speaking as one in recovery in AA, I can tell you that in spite of words, mannerisms, denial, selfishness, etc. (disease characteristics) nobody with a sane mind would ever choose to be a drunk/alcoholic. When active in this disease, I had absolutely no (none, zero, zilch) self-respect or self-esteem - which we know makes it impossible to respect others or hold anyone in esteem.
If I want continuous joy and serenity, I must practice compassion, kindness, patience, acceptance and gratitude. What robs me of my joy over and over and over again is when I am focused or obsessing on other people, places, things - including the past. The more I can practice healthy living, the better my chances are for joyful days and continuous serenity and sanity.
Love & light all - golfed this morning and am now at home, adulting!! Make it a great day!!
Seahorse 7, I hear you!!
For me, it has been an evolution. I've been SUPER angry at my Q for years. Only recently have I come to understand that I was Also angry at Me. For not respecting boundaries, for allowing bad behavior to go on that jeopardized the safety of my kids - just to keep the peace, for a lot of things. I figured out that as much as I wanted to punish my Q (and MAN DID I EVER), I was actually unable to do so (other than divorcing him, which I did). But I was punishing myself plenty without even realizing it.
Now that I've left the marriage And the residence we shared, I've started to realize that taking care of Me doesn't just include eating right and sleeping well. It also includes telling myself that I forgive myself for being ignorant of the danger and the power of alcoholism. I forgive myself for doing the enabling things I did - because I really thought I was doing what a good wife and mother should do.
I'm still in the early days of my divorced life and even earlier days of living in a new place. I was thinking that the day I moved out I would instantly feel better. And while I certainly did get relief from the daily verbal abuse I was getting, I've still been suffering from a hefty dose of residual anxiety and stress. My therapist says it's from living in a state of hypervigilance for years. Even more pointedly, for living in a state that was at odds with what I believe is right for a home. I Said that I don't want to live with a drunk, but I was continuing to do so, and continuing to placate him just to keep the peace. My heart was really stressed out by this.
Now that I've been working on forgiving myself, I've started to feel better.
Healing takes a while. But starting with yourself seems like a good place to start.
-- Edited by Fedora on Saturday 21st of August 2021 10:08:44 PM
This!!!! This is what I am struggling with. The more insight and deeper reflection of that relationship w my ABF, I am seeing things differently. I so needed this reading and ESH today. Thank you everyone for sharing. I am off to journal a bit. Lots to learn here. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I truly appreciate this forum so much.
-- Edited by Im on Sunday 22nd of August 2021 07:53:37 AM