In today's reading we receive some pretty direct advice about how to manage (not manage) our alcoholic. We must overcome our habit of setting standards for them and expecting those standards to be followed (whether or not this person is still drinking or sober or in AA). Expecting what we believe should happen will only lead to frustration and anger in our hearts.
"I must teach myself to leave my partner to God and to his friends in AA." I must change my attitude and look for (appreciate) his positives.
TODAY'S REMINDER tells me I am not perfect, so I should not expect others to be. Learn to accept things as they are and stop trying to manipulate. "Let me look for a wiser approach to life from myself, not from other people."
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I think I learned fairly early on (maybe around the twenty year mark!) that I was not going to change my AH. That he would do whatever he wanted, period. I did learn to create multiple advance scenarios, though - if he does this, I will do that to make things okay. Probably this was not the best use of my energy!
I am still having a tough time with the alcoholic children I produced. It is second nature to try to guide/control them. They are men now, but I find myself thinking of ways I could possibly manipulate them into living according to my rule book. More time wasted!
Well into their thirties, they need me to stay on my side of the street, and perhaps to see me cleaning up my own stuff. They are not blind to my imperfections, so I shall work on myself and let them be them in their own expression of living life.
This is a tough directive for a lifelong fixer/worrier/meddler.
Skorpi said
Aug 12, 2021
Good morning, MIP! And thank you for your service today, Bbrave!
What an interesting reading for today, as my AW and I are navigating differing opinions on our son's behavior. It is interesting for me to see how the program is working in my life, reducing friction, smoothing the path for a good relationship. And noticing this is one of the things that gives me hope and keeps me coming back. I'm so glad to have the focus on myself and what I will do in situations, because ultimately, I'm the only one who can control myself, and myself is the only one I can control.
DM2021 said
Aug 12, 2021
Thank you so much Bbrave for your service, today's reading and to you and Skorpi for both your ESH!
I just love "TODAY'S REMINDER"
It definitely "tells me I am not perfect", and neither is my AH/anyone else!!
Realizing we humans are perfectly imperfect has taught me to be more accepting, hence less controlling and
therefore I must keep the focus on me and my expectations. The results from this Al-Anon teaching is that
I am less fearful/anxious and much more peaceful. The bonus from all of this acceptance is that AH and others
in my life are much easier to get along with because I am not battling with them to control their lives!
Grateful Al-Anon member indeed!!
Lyne said
Aug 12, 2021
Thanks Bbrave for your service and for above ESH. Love the reading and it reinforces what my former wise sponsor taught me:
-expectations are a resentment waiting to happen
-stop trying to force solutions
When I can follow this advice, I am a happier and calmer person. Progress not perfection, as I have gotten much better at both of these concepts since participating in program. I need to stay close to alanon though, because life with my A produces sneak attacks with unexpected behaviors. I need my tools on a daily basis. Grateful member.
Iamhere said
Aug 12, 2021
Old habits do die hard!! At least for 'this perfectly imperfect gal in recovery'...
Thank you Bbrave for your service and the daily. I arrived with a warped sense of self, reality, life, etc. I truly believes that perfection was the goal, anything less was lazy or failure.
Imagine when others suggested progress is a better goal than perfection. Imagine when others suggested that we, humans, are actually designed to be LTP - Less Than Perfect. Those 'failures' in my past were not so - they were teaching moments. Foreign to me in so, so many ways!
It's taken me a long while to be comfortable in my own skin. It's taken even longer for me to zip my mouth or bite my tongue with my qualifiers. I do know that my life is more peaceful when I love mine from across the street/town. I too am way less worried, anxious, nervous, edgy, etc. just by trusting in a God of my understanding and living one day at a time.
Acceptance is the answer for me. When things go different than planned or desired, I am better able to enjoy my day if I just accept this is the master plan, which nobody has shared with me!
Happy Thursday - heat wave here, early golf and boy howdy....still hot! Glad to be home, showered and chilling inside. Make it a great day!
Im said
Aug 20, 2021
Look for his positives and not perfection... well said. thank you for this. I will be back on this site daily as I miss (need) these helpful reminders. Thank you!!
In today's reading we receive some pretty direct advice about how to manage (not manage) our alcoholic. We must overcome our habit of setting standards for them and expecting those standards to be followed (whether or not this person is still drinking or sober or in AA). Expecting what we believe should happen will only lead to frustration and anger in our hearts.
"I must teach myself to leave my partner to God and to his friends in AA." I must change my attitude and look for (appreciate) his positives.
TODAY'S REMINDER tells me I am not perfect, so I should not expect others to be. Learn to accept things as they are and stop trying to manipulate. "Let me look for a wiser approach to life from myself, not from other people."
-------------
I think I learned fairly early on (maybe around the twenty year mark!) that I was not going to change my AH. That he would do whatever he wanted, period. I did learn to create multiple advance scenarios, though - if he does this, I will do that to make things okay. Probably this was not the best use of my energy!
I am still having a tough time with the alcoholic children I produced. It is second nature to try to guide/control them. They are men now, but I find myself thinking of ways I could possibly manipulate them into living according to my rule book. More time wasted!
Well into their thirties, they need me to stay on my side of the street, and perhaps to see me cleaning up my own stuff. They are not blind to my imperfections, so I shall work on myself and let them be them in their own expression of living life.
This is a tough directive for a lifelong fixer/worrier/meddler.
What an interesting reading for today, as my AW and I are navigating differing opinions on our son's behavior. It is interesting for me to see how the program is working in my life, reducing friction, smoothing the path for a good relationship. And noticing this is one of the things that gives me hope and keeps me coming back. I'm so glad to have the focus on myself and what I will do in situations, because ultimately, I'm the only one who can control myself, and myself is the only one I can control.
I just love "TODAY'S REMINDER"
It definitely "tells me I am not perfect", and neither is my AH/anyone else!!
Realizing we humans are perfectly imperfect has taught me to be more accepting, hence less controlling and
therefore I must keep the focus on me and my expectations. The results from this Al-Anon teaching is that
I am less fearful/anxious and much more peaceful. The bonus from all of this acceptance is that AH and others
in my life are much easier to get along with because I am not battling with them to control their lives!
Grateful Al-Anon member indeed!!
-expectations are a resentment waiting to happen
-stop trying to force solutions
When I can follow this advice, I am a happier and calmer person. Progress not perfection, as I have gotten much better at both of these concepts since participating in program. I need to stay close to alanon though, because life with my A produces sneak attacks with unexpected behaviors. I need my tools on a daily basis. Grateful member.
Thank you Bbrave for your service and the daily. I arrived with a warped sense of self, reality, life, etc. I truly believes that perfection was the goal, anything less was lazy or failure.
Imagine when others suggested progress is a better goal than perfection. Imagine when others suggested that we, humans, are actually designed to be LTP - Less Than Perfect. Those 'failures' in my past were not so - they were teaching moments. Foreign to me in so, so many ways!
It's taken me a long while to be comfortable in my own skin. It's taken even longer for me to zip my mouth or bite my tongue with my qualifiers. I do know that my life is more peaceful when I love mine from across the street/town. I too am way less worried, anxious, nervous, edgy, etc. just by trusting in a God of my understanding and living one day at a time.
Acceptance is the answer for me. When things go different than planned or desired, I am better able to enjoy my day if I just accept this is the master plan, which nobody has shared with me!
Happy Thursday - heat wave here, early golf and boy howdy....still hot! Glad to be home, showered and chilling inside. Make it a great day!