Sorry I am late posting today, if only I had read and committed to the reading for today!!
We are asked to provide the element of quiet to our home, rather than add to the turmoil. AND, it's not the grumbling, I am giving you the "silent treatment" type. "True quiet has the quality of serenity, acceptance, peace."
TODAY'S REMINDER: I can persuade myself to be quiet by realizing that angry words cannot touch me unless I allow them to."
AND "In quiet and in silence the truth is made clear...."
-------------
Angry words, either from me or my AH can set the battlefield for the day or even days. How many times have I gone into retreat mode and thought, "Why did I say that? It has been said before a million times? Why do I have so much trouble keeping quiet?"
I have been in relationship long enough to stay quiet, consider what I want to say and see it all unfold ahead of time. I want to make better decisions. If my partner says something that triggers me, I want to choose the sane, peaceful state of mind that allows me to deflect and listen for the truth.
-- Edited by Bbrave on Thursday 29th of July 2021 04:04:58 PM
DM2021 said
Jul 29, 2021
Thank you Bbrave for your service, todays' reading and ESH.
I can totally understand/relate and it has taken me years to perfect the art of "keeping quiet".
Must remember that if I engage, it will never turn out right. JADE comes to mind and I move on.
mamalioness said
Jul 29, 2021
Thanks , Bbrave for your share and your post
This would be a tough one for me because I was squelched for so long growing up, when I was married to my alcoholic ex husbands, I would fire right back at them and yes the chaos would continue. Its still hard for me this day to deal with toxic people and basically not pick up their rope that they throw to me. Its still difficult for me to not engage with confrontational or just toxic people and their insults etc. but I am getting better at just considering the source and I might say something like Im sorry youre having a bad day and then disconnect, disengage or dont engage at all. It has taken me years to get to the point where Im not going to resist and fight stuff just go around. Dont engage, give them nothing to go after me about. I find that if they have nothing to found their flames, the negativity dissolves on its own. But boy it took me a long time to get to this point and I still slip every now and then
-- Edited by mamalioness on Thursday 29th of July 2021 07:22:14 PM
Maresie888 said
Jul 30, 2021
Thank you so much for posting this. Gaslighting was an issue that really got under my skin
In fact I was regularly hitting the ceiling with ot for years
One of my strategies was of course to move out of those relationships. Unfortinately I have discovered gas lighters are everywhere. That is in particular at work neighbors and former friends. I no longer view those who #gas light# as friends
When I am at the point of detachment where the attempt to gaslight me sails on by me is when I feel particularly effective
After immense hard worh and superhuman drive to detach I am indeed at that place
Of course those who gaslight did not get the email that I am no longer participating..
I am indeed beyond grateful for my recovery. Most of all Inam wholly committed to having a better quality of life. That means a enormous commitment of time and effort
Iamhere said
Jul 30, 2021
Thank you Bbrave for your service and the daily. Thanks to all who provided shares & ESH. I have been reflecting the last day/two on a conversation I had with my oldest child. May my share help others/another.
He is blocked on my phone simply because it felt like the right thing to do a while ago. I don't label others, so whether he is an A or not, a narcissist or not, another 'thing' or not, not my business. What this program has suggested to me is that I love me, protect me, take good care of me, detach from insanity and create protective boundaries, for me.
The phone rang; it was his partner. I paused and considered not answering. I decided to answer. This was the wrong choice. I know that now. It was an extremely strange phone call as he started the call asking if I wanted to see my grandchildren. They have a new son, whom I've not met. They have the other 2 whom I've not seen for 1.5 years. I'll not detail the reasons, other than to say, I was being punished for having opinions, thoughts and feelings.
When I said I wasn't sure - between the pandemic, the relationship, the restrictions, etc. it's not an easy decision. For the past 8 years, I've dropped everything, set aside the rhetoric, hatred, judgement, etc. to 'see them'. They've been held hostage from me at any point I do or say something in support of me, my wants/needs/time/etc. My hesitancy set off a cruel tirade, many years in the making, from my son in which he blamed me for every wrong thing in his life, including his drug addition, mental health issues, etc.
When I opted to listen, not react or respond, it added fuel to the fire. I tried to gently get off the phone several times to no avail. In the end, I hung up while he was completely melting down at me about me and his entire life. What I know now is that there are some people in my life that I must love from across the town. I can love them unconditionally, yet step aside and let them be and do what they need to be/do.
When one chooses to block a child, because you gave birth or maybe because you raised them up - who knows, there is a part of you that wonders if you're doing the right thing. It's the age/old disconnect I've written about here between my head and my heart. I have my doubts answered now and it is best for my sanity, his sanity, his children, etc. if we are not in contact. For today, I do not question any longer if the distance is the right thing or not.
So, there are times when taking care of self and choosing quiet/calm over chaos/insanity brings great clarity with a bit more drama and pain. I have always felt that my growth has come from moments of concern, confusion, pain and uncertainty. It continues to happen that way.
We are having some incredible heat here....which, I am hoping starts to pass tonight with a rain shower. I golfed yesterday and then volunteered and feel like I ran 2 marathons. I golfed again this morning and am now taking it easy - to golf again tomorrow. I have gone out of my way to fill my life with people who want to be with me and activities that bring me joy. For me, this is great, great progress as I come from a multi-generational family, inflicted at every level with this disease, who keep gathering together in spite of the chaos/insanity. I think I'll keep coming back - I have much to keep learning...(((Hugs)))
Lyne said
Jul 31, 2021
Thanks Bbrave for your service and for all the ESH above. I'm fairly good at staying calm/quiet with most people, and most of the time with my A. Two things that seem to trigger me, and I was just thinking about this yesterday, is when a lie is given to me, or a statement that just doesn't make sense. I need to work on/practice staying calm and quiet in these situations. Getting myself all worked up doesn't help me or the situation. I can address this type of communication when some time has elapsed and hopefully we can process it together in a calm state of mind. My A tends to blurt out things in the heat of the moment, or to gain sympathy or compassion. The blurting out of ridiculous statements only pushes me away. A work in progress? Hope so.
a4l said
Jul 31, 2021
Belated thanks for the topic and the service Brave and the ESH of each share. IAH that was quite powerful. My grandmothers sage and age old advice was to never talk to a drunk person when they are drunk because it is akin to talking to the wall. My interpretation of this was the addendum "get 'em in the morning" hahaha. Being able to wait that long was progress. Today I am finding that even the morning is a waste of time for anything beyond that moment and if I am lucky, possibly that whole day and sometimes perhaps even two or three days. But I am not in control and it is in the silence that I can see and accept that without freaking out. If there is something that immediately needs to be addressed I will "get them in the morning" but overall I like not having to worry about other peoples stuff. I like and I enjoy it very much focusing on what makes me feel good. This morning I am sitting here with a large latte under a halogen light bulb (I can not stand flourescent lighting) the kids are: reading books, attempting to walk in my Steve Madden heels, eating breakfast, respectively. It is peaceful and loving and I love it.
Sorry I am late posting today, if only I had read and committed to the reading for today!!
We are asked to provide the element of quiet to our home, rather than add to the turmoil. AND, it's not the grumbling, I am giving you the "silent treatment" type. "True quiet has the quality of serenity, acceptance, peace."
TODAY'S REMINDER: I can persuade myself to be quiet by realizing that angry words cannot touch me unless I allow them to."
AND "In quiet and in silence the truth is made clear...."
-------------
Angry words, either from me or my AH can set the battlefield for the day or even days. How many times have I gone into retreat mode and thought, "Why did I say that? It has been said before a million times? Why do I have so much trouble keeping quiet?"
I have been in relationship long enough to stay quiet, consider what I want to say and see it all unfold ahead of time. I want to make better decisions. If my partner says something that triggers me, I want to choose the sane, peaceful state of mind that allows me to deflect and listen for the truth.
-- Edited by Bbrave on Thursday 29th of July 2021 04:04:58 PM
I can totally understand/relate and it has taken me years to perfect the art of "keeping quiet".
Must remember that if I engage, it will never turn out right. JADE comes to mind and I move on.
Thanks , Bbrave for your share and your post
This would be a tough one for me because I was squelched for so long growing up, when I was married to my alcoholic ex husbands, I would fire right back at them and yes the chaos would continue. Its still hard for me this day to deal with toxic people and basically not pick up their rope that they throw to me. Its still difficult for me to not engage with confrontational or just toxic people and their insults etc. but I am getting better at just considering the source and I might say something like Im sorry youre having a bad day and then disconnect, disengage or dont engage at all. It has taken me years to get to the point where Im not going to resist and fight stuff just go around. Dont engage, give them nothing to go after me about. I find that if they have nothing to found their flames, the negativity dissolves on its own. But boy it took me a long time to get to this point and I still slip every now and then
-- Edited by mamalioness on Thursday 29th of July 2021 07:22:14 PM
Thank you so much for posting this. Gaslighting was an issue that really got under my skin
In fact I was regularly hitting the ceiling with ot for years
One of my strategies was of course to move out of those relationships. Unfortinately I have discovered gas lighters are everywhere. That is in particular at work neighbors and former friends. I no longer view those who #gas light# as friends
When I am at the point of detachment where the attempt to gaslight me sails on by me is when I feel particularly effective
After immense hard worh and superhuman drive to detach I am indeed at that place
Of course those who gaslight did not get the email that I am no longer participating..
I am indeed beyond grateful for my recovery. Most of all Inam wholly committed to having a better quality of life. That means a enormous commitment of time and effort
He is blocked on my phone simply because it felt like the right thing to do a while ago. I don't label others, so whether he is an A or not, a narcissist or not, another 'thing' or not, not my business. What this program has suggested to me is that I love me, protect me, take good care of me, detach from insanity and create protective boundaries, for me.
The phone rang; it was his partner. I paused and considered not answering. I decided to answer. This was the wrong choice. I know that now. It was an extremely strange phone call as he started the call asking if I wanted to see my grandchildren. They have a new son, whom I've not met. They have the other 2 whom I've not seen for 1.5 years. I'll not detail the reasons, other than to say, I was being punished for having opinions, thoughts and feelings.
When I said I wasn't sure - between the pandemic, the relationship, the restrictions, etc. it's not an easy decision. For the past 8 years, I've dropped everything, set aside the rhetoric, hatred, judgement, etc. to 'see them'. They've been held hostage from me at any point I do or say something in support of me, my wants/needs/time/etc. My hesitancy set off a cruel tirade, many years in the making, from my son in which he blamed me for every wrong thing in his life, including his drug addition, mental health issues, etc.
When I opted to listen, not react or respond, it added fuel to the fire. I tried to gently get off the phone several times to no avail. In the end, I hung up while he was completely melting down at me about me and his entire life. What I know now is that there are some people in my life that I must love from across the town. I can love them unconditionally, yet step aside and let them be and do what they need to be/do.
When one chooses to block a child, because you gave birth or maybe because you raised them up - who knows, there is a part of you that wonders if you're doing the right thing. It's the age/old disconnect I've written about here between my head and my heart. I have my doubts answered now and it is best for my sanity, his sanity, his children, etc. if we are not in contact. For today, I do not question any longer if the distance is the right thing or not.
So, there are times when taking care of self and choosing quiet/calm over chaos/insanity brings great clarity with a bit more drama and pain. I have always felt that my growth has come from moments of concern, confusion, pain and uncertainty. It continues to happen that way.
We are having some incredible heat here....which, I am hoping starts to pass tonight with a rain shower. I golfed yesterday and then volunteered and feel like I ran 2 marathons. I golfed again this morning and am now taking it easy - to golf again tomorrow. I have gone out of my way to fill my life with people who want to be with me and activities that bring me joy. For me, this is great, great progress as I come from a multi-generational family, inflicted at every level with this disease, who keep gathering together in spite of the chaos/insanity. I think I'll keep coming back - I have much to keep learning...(((Hugs)))