In today's reading, the author shares reflections on an opinion they held prior to Al-Anon: "The people I love won't take care of themselves, so I have to do it." The author previously thought that their loved ones would not survive unless they interfered.
"Let go and Let God" is one slogan that can help us remember that everyone has their own Higher Power and when we let go of a situation, we allow events to unfold as our Higher Power intends.
The author concludes that when they let go of another person, they are affirming the other person's right to live their own life, make their own choices, and grow as they experience the results of their actions.
Today's Reminder: I am my top priority. By keeping the focus on myself, I let go of other people's problems and can better cope with my own. What can I do for myself today?
Today's Quote: "I will remind myself...that I am powerless over anyone else, that I can live no life but my own. Changing myself for the better is the only way I can find peace and serenity." The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
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So many times, thinking "My wife isn't going to X, so I have to..." leads me down the path of resentment. Over the years and with practice in Al-Anon, I've been more successful at letting go of her decisions and what she does.
Now, when I find myself thinking in this way, I revise my self-talk. "I will feel better if X, and so that's why I'm taking care of it." - reframing in this way is helpful to me because it is true, and it helps me to keep the focus on myself and what I am doing. Then, I can decide to not to dishes because I am tired, or to do dishes because I will feel better with a clean kitchen. Either decision is about what is better for me, and what will be the most caring for myself.
In this way, I try to keep my focus on myself and keep myself OUT of my wife's business. This opens the path for her to follow the path her Higher Power has made for her.
Freetime said
Jul 21, 2021
Good morning, Skorpi, and thank you for sharing this amazing topic. I certainly have had times when I thought my interference was necessary to "help" someone else -- or at least that fixing things for someone else would help my own peace of mind.
I'm grateful that I have learned otherwise. Just the other day, I got a strong urge to "rescue" a dear friend, and even started making plans to go to her home and "help" her. But thanks to what I have learned in Al-Anon, I paused and thought -- (1) she hasn't asked me for help, (2) she knows how to reach me if she wants to ask for my help, (3) what I think she needs help with is not life-threatening, just nice-to-have, (4) getting involved in this situation could take more time and energy than I am comfortable spending right now, and (5) she has other people in her life that probably could help her if she asked them. So, just for today, I am staying in my lane.
a4l said
Jul 21, 2021
Thank you for the service Skorpi and the shares above. I can definitely relate to the thinking of needing to act on behalf of a loved one due to their perceived incapacity. I can relate to the actions that follow that thinking having possesed it for many, many years. It is a practical reality of living with alcoholics in certain areas that then begins to permeate to absolutely everything. For example, the strung out wife whose husband will drink away the family wage if she is not there to grab some of it before the first drink. Or the child who denies the problems so as not to be seperated from a younger sibling and placed into foster care. These survival mechanisms arise in reaction to threatening situations, but the difficulty is that all of life becomes lived in survival mode and that is no way to live for anyone.
What I have found in my hardest times when the threat was very real, and indeed came to pass, was surrender to my HP. In that surrendered state came everything I needed but had no practical means of acheiving. I think of those moments of universal provision as evidence of the love that is my birthright from my creator. My creator always has me. It is a funny thing that I am still wobbly when it comes to surrendering myself even though I know it works everytime. I still tend to "think" I can take care of it all and that is probably the beginning of the slippery slope. I can't take care of everything but moreover I don't have to. All I need to do is my part. I find that when I am controlling others it is really because I have not fully surrendered myself. It is from that state of surrender that real change occurs for me. I am still wobbly at this, and that is why I need this programme and why I am very grateful to have this board today for a spiritually mindful beginning right here and now. How wonderful!
Iamhere said
Jul 21, 2021
Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares & ESH. In my brain prior to recovery, I was absolutely certain that all would fall apart without me/my intervention(s). My projections were often truly based in the insanity of how this disease affected me.
Al-Anon showed me a different way. I truly can take good care of me, trust in the God of my understanding to lead me and others to their destiny and truly let go of my fears for them - trying/practicing to stay present instead. Over and over again, when I stay out of the way and allow things to unfold, I am amazed that the reality is not nearly as bad as my mind projected 'it' to be. This is not just applicable to my A(s).
The more I let Go and allow life to unfold, the more I feel free. I do know and trust that 'this too shall pass' - applying to the good times and the bad times, and lean into this program and my HP. I'm grateful to Al-Anon for giving me the tools to do better, be better and know I always have choices.
Happy Hump Day all - we're gearing up for a heat wave here so golfing early is the gift of the day. Finding my joy, one day at a time!
Maresie888 said
Jul 21, 2021
I think taking care of others was one way to raise a terribly low self esteem
I had a few ways
Dressing up. I was desperate for validation
Volunteering. Always ready to come into work
Planning. I did all the planning for special occasions
At work I was in charge of pot lucks.
Always ready to send cards and notes to others (i rarely got any)
I had no idea how to nurture myself.
All this #fawning# and caregiving of course generated an enormous amount of resentment
Of course I wanted a bit more than acknowledgement
When I.did not get it (because I picked ungrateful people) I sunk into a pit of bitterness and resentment
Of course those people did not start out ungrateful
Codependency begets resentment
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 22nd of July 2021 12:36:31 AM
In today's reading, the author shares reflections on an opinion they held prior to Al-Anon: "The people I love won't take care of themselves, so I have to do it." The author previously thought that their loved ones would not survive unless they interfered.
"Let go and Let God" is one slogan that can help us remember that everyone has their own Higher Power and when we let go of a situation, we allow events to unfold as our Higher Power intends.
The author concludes that when they let go of another person, they are affirming the other person's right to live their own life, make their own choices, and grow as they experience the results of their actions.
Today's Reminder: I am my top priority. By keeping the focus on myself, I let go of other people's problems and can better cope with my own. What can I do for myself today?
Today's Quote: "I will remind myself...that I am powerless over anyone else, that I can live no life but my own. Changing myself for the better is the only way I can find peace and serenity." The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
-------------------------
So many times, thinking "My wife isn't going to X, so I have to..." leads me down the path of resentment. Over the years and with practice in Al-Anon, I've been more successful at letting go of her decisions and what she does.
Now, when I find myself thinking in this way, I revise my self-talk. "I will feel better if X, and so that's why I'm taking care of it." - reframing in this way is helpful to me because it is true, and it helps me to keep the focus on myself and what I am doing. Then, I can decide to not to dishes because I am tired, or to do dishes because I will feel better with a clean kitchen. Either decision is about what is better for me, and what will be the most caring for myself.
In this way, I try to keep my focus on myself and keep myself OUT of my wife's business. This opens the path for her to follow the path her Higher Power has made for her.
I'm grateful that I have learned otherwise. Just the other day, I got a strong urge to "rescue" a dear friend, and even started making plans to go to her home and "help" her. But thanks to what I have learned in Al-Anon, I paused and thought -- (1) she hasn't asked me for help, (2) she knows how to reach me if she wants to ask for my help, (3) what I think she needs help with is not life-threatening, just nice-to-have, (4) getting involved in this situation could take more time and energy than I am comfortable spending right now, and (5) she has other people in her life that probably could help her if she asked them. So, just for today, I am staying in my lane.
What I have found in my hardest times when the threat was very real, and indeed came to pass, was surrender to my HP. In that surrendered state came everything I needed but had no practical means of acheiving. I think of those moments of universal provision as evidence of the love that is my birthright from my creator. My creator always has me. It is a funny thing that I am still wobbly when it comes to surrendering myself even though I know it works everytime. I still tend to "think" I can take care of it all and that is probably the beginning of the slippery slope. I can't take care of everything but moreover I don't have to. All I need to do is my part. I find that when I am controlling others it is really because I have not fully surrendered myself. It is from that state of surrender that real change occurs for me. I am still wobbly at this, and that is why I need this programme and why I am very grateful to have this board today for a spiritually mindful beginning right here and now. How wonderful!
Al-Anon showed me a different way. I truly can take good care of me, trust in the God of my understanding to lead me and others to their destiny and truly let go of my fears for them - trying/practicing to stay present instead. Over and over again, when I stay out of the way and allow things to unfold, I am amazed that the reality is not nearly as bad as my mind projected 'it' to be. This is not just applicable to my A(s).
The more I let Go and allow life to unfold, the more I feel free. I do know and trust that 'this too shall pass' - applying to the good times and the bad times, and lean into this program and my HP. I'm grateful to Al-Anon for giving me the tools to do better, be better and know I always have choices.
Happy Hump Day all - we're gearing up for a heat wave here so golfing early is the gift of the day. Finding my joy, one day at a time!
I think taking care of others was one way to raise a terribly low self esteem
I had a few ways
Dressing up. I was desperate for validation
Volunteering. Always ready to come into work
Planning. I did all the planning for special occasions
At work I was in charge of pot lucks.
Always ready to send cards and notes to others (i rarely got any)
I had no idea how to nurture myself.
All this #fawning# and caregiving of course generated an enormous amount of resentment
Of course I wanted a bit more than acknowledgement
When I.did not get it (because I picked ungrateful people) I sunk into a pit of bitterness and resentment
Of course those people did not start out ungrateful
Codependency begets resentment
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 22nd of July 2021 12:36:31 AM