I am listening to my Q who is downstairs on a zoom meeting and he's acting in a manner unusual for him - he's super hyped up. If you didn't know him you wouldn't notice it, but I feel like it's unnaturally hyper "up" behavior. I wonder if he's had some booze; normally it makes him flatter but I'm wondering ...
Recently he discovered some hard truths about his finances post divorce and so today was probably a bad day for him. He came after me wanting to bait me into a fight but I was able to keep my distance and not engage with his crazy. That said, I am kind of keeping to myself upstairs to avoid contact with him. I *think* he goes to work in a couple of hrs and then I can go downstairs. I have less than 3 weeks to have to live under the same roof as him so I am just hoping to make it there without too much drama.
Freetime said
Jul 20, 2021
{{{{Fedora}}}}, I can't speak to manic behavior, but I certainly did experience strange behavior from my alcoholic loved one. More "belligerent" is one thing I observed.
But I just want to say, I empathize so much with you needing to stay in another part of the house to avoid contact. I felt the same way and did the same. I needed to be in a safe space, and that meant avoiding him at times. You are not alone in this struggle. Please take care and be kind to yourself. I am glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Fedora said
Jul 20, 2021
Hi there and thank you everyone for the words of encouragement. He did in fact go off to work. I'm headed downstairs to continue packing.
I'm so eager to get to my new apartment. I'm so sick of living like this. SO sick.
Tiredtonite: you have a good memory. :). This was supposed to last until wintertime. But his behavior is so bad I couldn't take it anymore. Things were starting to happen in my physical condition that were not good. I got a loan to pay for a few months of this apartment until I can be freed of the financial obligation of the house.
In my mind, I pretend that he's a neighbor who has to live with us for a time, and has dementia. This is the only way I can avoid getting crazy angry at him, or worse yet, getting sucked into his "I'm a victim" scenarios. I also try to remind myself that as bad as it is to be me right now, to be in his shoes is a million times worse. All the money he took from me in this divorce is not going to insulate him from the damage that booze he continues to ingest are going to inflict .
Ok, I'm heading back to the basement to continue packing.
DM2021 said
Jul 21, 2021
Fedora, I believe you are handling the situation great, using your Al-Anon tools!!
Just keep those three weeks in mind as an incentive!!
Fedora said
Jul 21, 2021
Tiredtonite - oh yes you know the miles that I am walking right now to a tee. (The only difference being that I'm on the other side of the pencil - me being a teacher.) For all the horrors of the time between deciding to file and it being finalized, this is equally awful. Every day he is either mentally unhinged, or is about to get unhinged. He loves to send me angry and mean notes. I keep them all just so if I ever need evidence for future court action that I have them. But it does feel like I've got animal poop on my phone every time I see one. And it does wear at you.
Mentally I feel secure about staying on my side of the street; he definitely tries to weasel his way across the street and sit on my curb, try to trip me. I've realized that the harder he tries in person, the more comical it is. The other day when he was trying to actually guilt trip me about this divorce, I could only sit there and wonder on which planet he was living. He was actually using his "angry teacher" look at me. Like I'm a toddler. (I was sitting down, he was standing up, so it was even more pronounced.) The notes he sends me are actually harder to take because I know they remain in my electronic storage and even though I immediately file them away, I feel like his fingers can reach across any distance and get to me. It's not a pleasant feeling.
All that said, every day is a day closer. I can do this. One day at a time, one hour, one minute, one breath.
Thanks everyone for your encouragement.
Bettertomorrow said
Jul 28, 2021
Fedora - going by your post date you are now less than 2 weeks away from the next stage of your life. It's all within touching distance now.
I just want to say that I empathise with you. I am on a similar journey, but now just 2 days away and AH behaviour has become ever more strange and unhinged as time has passed. I think it is only just dawning on him, that this is really happening. A drowning person clutching at straws.
I can taste my freedom and already look back in wonderment on the journey it took to get us here. I know that I still have a long way to go in recovery, but this time I can do it with the freedom and peace of being on my own with my lovely children.
Hugs and best wishes for this the next stage of your own journey. BT (())
mamalioness said
Aug 9, 2021
Dear Fedora, tho I don't know you very well, I am very impressed at the courage under fire you are displaying..TWO WEEKS, its like your in a horse race and you can SEE that finish line...Hoping the last 2 weeks go fast and smooth..I also agree, not engaging him, just staying in my own lane, that is what I did with EX AH#1 who was reeeeely hard to live with...
I never knew which of him I would see...the one who wanted to woo me back or the Mr. Hyde part of him I wanted to throttle (I was not in Alanon and to this day, I don't know how I survived him, but thank HP I did) and I remember when I found my little flat, away from him...
My little teeny sanctuary...I bartered with the owner as I am very handy with a hammer and nails and carpentry and also painting, basic repairs and she just turned me loose on the place, materials and tools supplied,
I had them in my living room which was so small you almost had to go outside to change your mind, but it was MY little flat and I was allowed to rescue a lab/pit bull and keep him....
I fixed up the fence, painted the garage, repaired some wood damage, fixed up the place and she let me live there for like SIX months rent free and by then I had a little job and I was bartering with this other lady who had a extra cute car she gave me in exchange for bookkeeping services for her company...
HP just kept me going and I had my new life...ONE thing at a time and yea, I'll never forget being free...Yea, I had my share of hard times, but I had new, healthy friends and GREAT landlady who was awesome to me....
Heres hoping you make it big and much abundance and peace and light in your new life...If I can do it w/out program , you will really rock in your new adventure.....
-- Edited by mamalioness on Monday 9th of August 2021 12:58:16 AM
Bettertomorrow said
Aug 9, 2021
Fedora - I believe from your last post that these may be the final days in the same house as your AH.
Just wanted to wish you well for the next stage of your journey and your continued recovery. (( ))
Fedora said
Aug 12, 2021
Bettertomorrow: THANK YOU for thinking of me! :)
I'm happy to report that I survived the move to my own apartment!
Not without drama. A couple of days before the move, we got into a terrible fight. All the frustration of who knows how long came spewing out of my mouth. Detachment practice, 0; Angry Words: 1000.
The day of the move the Q inserted himself (diplomatic way of saying this) into the moving process. I ended up having to pay the movers over $200 extra because of the time he cost. I had warned the company about it beforehand, and I also tipped them a ton of money. Their jobs are hard enough and he just made it 10x harder.
Anyway, I did it. I'm out. I've been here for several days now and the panic-y feelings have yet to subside but I know they will. My therapist and doctor assure me that time and distance are the best thing right now. The children joined me in the apartment after their custody-scheduled-weekend with their dad and they really like this place. Even though it is a fraction of the size of the house I just left, and not particularly nice, the thing it has, peace, is more precious than gold. This is the longest they have seen me not get angry, I am sure. I've been cooking food (something I haven't done in a year), I found them replacement security blankets that they love, and I have made a point of just letting them play their video games. Their dad is constantly asking them for affection and approval, and asking them to take care of him. He blames them for not waking him up on time to get to his job. He literally calls them like a dog when he "needs a hug". He shouts "NOW!" and they're supposed to come running to hug him. UGH!
I have wanted for years to make a home that feels like home. Now I have that opportunity!
I am SO glad I got out. I would never have survived the official 6 months that was written into our divorce settlement plan. The tension was just too much. I was spending every waking moment doing my deep breathing exercises to stay regulated, trying to remember to work my program and just not let him wreck my day. But that was so hard.
Daffodils said
Aug 12, 2021
Good Morning ((( Fedora))). Congratulations on your new home. You are a pillar of strength and courage. I pray you and your children continue to enjoy comfort, peace and joy.
DM2021 said
Aug 12, 2021
Congratulations from me as well Fedora. Wishing you and your children much peace and happiness!!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 12, 2021
So happy to hear that you are settled and are feeling some peace in your new home! Congratulations for staying strong, and doing what is right for you (and your children). Your home - however humble - will be like an oasis to your children. I second that time and distance will work wonders on your serenity. Keep working your program... you are sounding strong & confident!
May your home be filled with peace and love!
Freetime said
Aug 12, 2021
{{{{Fedora}}}} I love how you wrote, "peace is more precious than gold." I certainly agree with that! So happy to hear you are in a good place. I hope you and the children enjoy this start of your new life.
I am listening to my Q who is downstairs on a zoom meeting and he's acting in a manner unusual for him - he's super hyped up. If you didn't know him you wouldn't notice it, but I feel like it's unnaturally hyper "up" behavior. I wonder if he's had some booze; normally it makes him flatter but I'm wondering ...
Recently he discovered some hard truths about his finances post divorce and so today was probably a bad day for him. He came after me wanting to bait me into a fight but I was able to keep my distance and not engage with his crazy. That said, I am kind of keeping to myself upstairs to avoid contact with him. I *think* he goes to work in a couple of hrs and then I can go downstairs. I have less than 3 weeks to have to live under the same roof as him so I am just hoping to make it there without too much drama.
But I just want to say, I empathize so much with you needing to stay in another part of the house to avoid contact. I felt the same way and did the same. I needed to be in a safe space, and that meant avoiding him at times. You are not alone in this struggle. Please take care and be kind to yourself. I am glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm so eager to get to my new apartment. I'm so sick of living like this. SO sick.
Tiredtonite: you have a good memory. :). This was supposed to last until wintertime. But his behavior is so bad I couldn't take it anymore. Things were starting to happen in my physical condition that were not good. I got a loan to pay for a few months of this apartment until I can be freed of the financial obligation of the house.
In my mind, I pretend that he's a neighbor who has to live with us for a time, and has dementia. This is the only way I can avoid getting crazy angry at him, or worse yet, getting sucked into his "I'm a victim" scenarios. I also try to remind myself that as bad as it is to be me right now, to be in his shoes is a million times worse. All the money he took from me in this divorce is not going to insulate him from the damage that booze he continues to ingest are going to inflict .
Ok, I'm heading back to the basement to continue packing.
Just keep those three weeks in mind as an incentive!!
Tiredtonite - oh yes you know the miles that I am walking right now to a tee. (The only difference being that I'm on the other side of the pencil - me being a teacher.) For all the horrors of the time between deciding to file and it being finalized, this is equally awful. Every day he is either mentally unhinged, or is about to get unhinged. He loves to send me angry and mean notes. I keep them all just so if I ever need evidence for future court action that I have them. But it does feel like I've got animal poop on my phone every time I see one. And it does wear at you.
Mentally I feel secure about staying on my side of the street; he definitely tries to weasel his way across the street and sit on my curb, try to trip me. I've realized that the harder he tries in person, the more comical it is. The other day when he was trying to actually guilt trip me about this divorce, I could only sit there and wonder on which planet he was living. He was actually using his "angry teacher" look at me. Like I'm a toddler. (I was sitting down, he was standing up, so it was even more pronounced.) The notes he sends me are actually harder to take because I know they remain in my electronic storage and even though I immediately file them away, I feel like his fingers can reach across any distance and get to me. It's not a pleasant feeling.
All that said, every day is a day closer. I can do this. One day at a time, one hour, one minute, one breath.
Thanks everyone for your encouragement.
Fedora - going by your post date you are now less than 2 weeks away from the next stage of your life. It's all within touching distance now.
I just want to say that I empathise with you. I am on a similar journey, but now just 2 days away and AH behaviour has become ever more strange and unhinged as time has passed. I think it is only just dawning on him, that this is really happening. A drowning person clutching at straws.
I can taste my freedom and already look back in wonderment on the journey it took to get us here. I know that I still have a long way to go in recovery, but this time I can do it with the freedom and peace of being on my own with my lovely children.
Hugs and best wishes for this the next stage of your own journey. BT (())
Dear Fedora, tho I don't know you very well, I am very impressed at the courage under fire you are displaying..TWO WEEKS, its like your in a horse race and you can SEE that finish line...Hoping the last 2 weeks go fast and smooth..I also agree, not engaging him, just staying in my own lane, that is what I did with EX AH#1 who was reeeeely hard to live with...
I never knew which of him I would see...the one who wanted to woo me back or the Mr. Hyde part of him I wanted to throttle (I was not in Alanon and to this day, I don't know how I survived him, but thank HP I did) and I remember when I found my little flat, away from him...
My little teeny sanctuary...I bartered with the owner as I am very handy with a hammer and nails and carpentry and also painting, basic repairs and she just turned me loose on the place, materials and tools supplied,
I had them in my living room which was so small you almost had to go outside to change your mind, but it was MY little flat and I was allowed to rescue a lab/pit bull and keep him....
I fixed up the fence, painted the garage, repaired some wood damage, fixed up the place and she let me live there for like SIX months rent free and by then I had a little job and I was bartering with this other lady who had a extra cute car she gave me in exchange for bookkeeping services for her company...
HP just kept me going and I had my new life...ONE thing at a time and yea, I'll never forget being free...Yea, I had my share of hard times, but I had new, healthy friends and GREAT landlady who was awesome to me....
Heres hoping you make it big and much abundance and peace and light in your new life...If I can do it w/out program , you will really rock in your new adventure.....
-- Edited by mamalioness on Monday 9th of August 2021 12:58:16 AM
Fedora - I believe from your last post that these may be the final days in the same house as your AH.
Just wanted to wish you well for the next stage of your journey and your continued recovery. (( ))
I'm happy to report that I survived the move to my own apartment!
Not without drama. A couple of days before the move, we got into a terrible fight. All the frustration of who knows how long came spewing out of my mouth. Detachment practice, 0; Angry Words: 1000.
The day of the move the Q inserted himself (diplomatic way of saying this) into the moving process. I ended up having to pay the movers over $200 extra because of the time he cost. I had warned the company about it beforehand, and I also tipped them a ton of money. Their jobs are hard enough and he just made it 10x harder.
Anyway, I did it. I'm out. I've been here for several days now and the panic-y feelings have yet to subside but I know they will. My therapist and doctor assure me that time and distance are the best thing right now. The children joined me in the apartment after their custody-scheduled-weekend with their dad and they really like this place. Even though it is a fraction of the size of the house I just left, and not particularly nice, the thing it has, peace, is more precious than gold. This is the longest they have seen me not get angry, I am sure. I've been cooking food (something I haven't done in a year), I found them replacement security blankets that they love, and I have made a point of just letting them play their video games. Their dad is constantly asking them for affection and approval, and asking them to take care of him. He blames them for not waking him up on time to get to his job. He literally calls them like a dog when he "needs a hug". He shouts "NOW!" and they're supposed to come running to hug him. UGH!
I have wanted for years to make a home that feels like home. Now I have that opportunity!
I am SO glad I got out. I would never have survived the official 6 months that was written into our divorce settlement plan. The tension was just too much. I was spending every waking moment doing my deep breathing exercises to stay regulated, trying to remember to work my program and just not let him wreck my day. But that was so hard.
May your home be filled with peace and love!