C2C, Monday, 7/19, the difference between walls and boundaries
Lyne said
Jul 18, 2021
The reading for Monday, 7/19, describes the difference between walls and boundaries. The writer says that walls are rigid and solid. They keep others out and themself trapped. Boundaries are moveable, flexible, and changeable, so they can be opened and closed. Boundaries let you say no without hostility or ending a relationship. As the 12 Traditions protect alanon, boundaries protect ourselves. You can learn to live with protection without walls.
Reminder: Do my defenses keep me safe, or do they isolate me? Today I can love myself enough to look for healthier ways to protect myself, ways that dont close everyone out.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This reading reminded me that I used to have that black and white thinking about others: you hurt me and you are out! You are nice to me and you are in! Of course I had no idea about boundaries nor keeping myself safe in a healthy way. And the reminder is reminding me to love myself, also a lesson thats come from practicing program. This program in its entirety gives me amazing life skills that no one else was able to teach me. I am truly grateful.
mamalioness said
Jul 18, 2021
Lyne. Thanks so much for your service on your post
I like to equate walls and boundaries in this way: walls are rigid and you cant see through them and you cant move them they shut everything out and if they are high enough they even shut the light out, nothing comes in and that means the good as well
Boundaries are like putting a chain-link fence around myself: I can see the people I can chat with them over my fence I can even shake their hand if they feel safe Im not shutting them out but I am keeping them at a distance until I know Im safe and then as they show me they are safe, I can let them inside the fence and visit with me in the yard and if that passes the safety test, I can let them up on my porch, and so on and so forth and if they are really safe and a keeper I can let them inside my house and share a coffee and some biscuits. I can also, if things change, escort them back out the fence and put the padlock back up and keep them out a distance if they should show me that they are untrustworthy. I used to have walls. Now I have chain-link fences, Im not shutting anything out, the light can shine through just as well, but I am protecting myself and being safe and careful yet open to the others. Even with one person, the boundaries can change, boundaries are like fluid, they can change they can become more protective of me or I can become more open more reachable, it depends on is the others safe and have they earned my trust. I know that relationships can change and so therefore my boundaries can change
Daffodils said
Jul 19, 2021
Thanks Lyne for your service/ESH and Rose for the great visual. Every share teaches me something new. My sponsor suggested I focus on the spiritual principles underneath each step and in the process I am setting and keeping new/old boundaries for myself. For instance, in my 4th step, I have discovered that my actions don't always reflect my values. By finding the courage to face the fact, I have been able to define and express my boundaries with my loved ones (when necessary). Life is easier when I am true to myself. Live and let live has helped me to stay in my own lane because I often overstepped when I deluded myself into believing I could solve my loved ones' problems. It's good to go over this topic on a regular basis because I still let myself down...Thanks for listening.
DM2021 said
Jul 19, 2021
Thank you Lyne for your service and today's reading. and thank you to you Mamalioness and Daffodils for all the ESH.
I can truly see how the Al-Anon steps and traditions have helped me to see that, for the most part, I did put up walls
instead of setting boundaries. I did close out those who hurt me, but now I check my perspective and motives and
establish boundaries instead of walls. I have learned that detachment with compassion allows me to experience life
without shutting anyone or anything out for fear of being hurt .... thank you HP/Al-Anon and MIP!!
Daffodils said
Jul 19, 2021
Thank you DM2021 and tiredtonite. The insights are valuable and appreciated.
JerryF said
Jul 19, 2021
Being a "newbie" to the program and listening to simple logic like the subject today gave me a toe up on the understanding of our program and then I "came to underestand". It still helps me to more easily understand the input of the oldtimers. Mahalo Family. (((hugs)))
Maresie888 said
Jul 19, 2021
I.have to be out in the #real# workd as a. Essential worker so I need pretty well defined boundaries
Dealing with life and death has that effect on you
When I was at the height of my codependency one of my cousins sucked me into a crisis he had around someone dying
I no longer get sucked in. I no longer feel the impetus to rescue. I no longer am obsessed with people pleasing
I have to scratch my head though because every day I am looking for new tools. Every day I find new aspects of codependency that throw me for a loop. It is so complex and enmeshed. It is very hard to define at times and other times particularly flamboyant
Every day is a challenge without fail. I cannot say Ibam on top of this by any means
Maresie
Iamhere said
Jul 19, 2021
Happy Monday MIP....thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares and ESH. Walls are best described for me as to 'how' I thought I was detaching before recovery. I walled off any/all offending 'others' who may or may not even know (or care) that they were on the other side. Some clearly did as I made sure to let then know how offensive they were when I freely took inventory of/for others and threw a ton of blame/shame around. Phew - exhausting being on my high horse, judging others around me and trying to be 'perfect'!!
Boundaries for me are strong yet flexible. They are to protect my sanity/serenity and not punitive. I have the choice and power to amend when necessary as well as if/how I announce them or just deploy them. Boundaries allow me to keep me safe and not isolate or wall off the world. I had to learn in recovery that if I want/intend to try to surround myself with others who are 'as I think they need to be', I will be terribly lonely/alone. We are all created to be perfectly imperfect and part of our human experience and growth comes from handling diversity in a healthy, mature way.
I have been an utterly unacceptable daughter, sister, mother, friend, etc. at points in my life. The healthiest folks I know did not 'ghost' me or put up permanent walls. They lovingly expressed concern and then put some healthy distance in place. I am grateful that I've been able to be forgiven and to forgive others and design healthy boundaries for continued growth.
Started my morning at the golf course - so, so pretty & serene. Came home, napped a bit and then canned some pickles this afternoon! Our weather has been mild so some of our veggies are slow to arrive -- yet, on the way!! My hope is all of you had a blessed day doing whatever brings you joy!!
The reading for Monday, 7/19, describes the difference between walls and boundaries. The writer says that walls are rigid and solid. They keep others out and themself trapped. Boundaries are moveable, flexible, and changeable, so they can be opened and closed. Boundaries let you say no without hostility or ending a relationship. As the 12 Traditions protect alanon, boundaries protect ourselves. You can learn to live with protection without walls.
Reminder: Do my defenses keep me safe, or do they isolate me? Today I can love myself enough to look for healthier ways to protect myself, ways that dont close everyone out.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This reading reminded me that I used to have that black and white thinking about others: you hurt me and you are out! You are nice to me and you are in! Of course I had no idea about boundaries nor keeping myself safe in a healthy way. And the reminder is reminding me to love myself, also a lesson thats come from practicing program. This program in its entirety gives me amazing life skills that no one else was able to teach me. I am truly grateful.
I like to equate walls and boundaries in this way: walls are rigid and you cant see through them and you cant move them they shut everything out and if they are high enough they even shut the light out, nothing comes in and that means the good as well
Boundaries are like putting a chain-link fence around myself: I can see the people I can chat with them over my fence I can even shake their hand if they feel safe Im not shutting them out but I am keeping them at a distance until I know Im safe and then as they show me they are safe, I can let them inside the fence and visit with me in the yard and if that passes the safety test, I can let them up on my porch, and so on and so forth and if they are really safe and a keeper I can let them inside my house and share a coffee and some biscuits. I can also, if things change, escort them back out the fence and put the padlock back up and keep them out a distance if they should show me that they are untrustworthy. I used to have walls. Now I have chain-link fences, Im not shutting anything out, the light can shine through just as well, but I am protecting myself and being safe and careful yet open to the others. Even with one person, the boundaries can change, boundaries are like fluid, they can change they can become more protective of me or I can become more open more reachable, it depends on is the others safe and have they earned my trust. I know that relationships can change and so therefore my boundaries can change
I can truly see how the Al-Anon steps and traditions have helped me to see that, for the most part, I did put up walls
instead of setting boundaries. I did close out those who hurt me, but now I check my perspective and motives and
establish boundaries instead of walls. I have learned that detachment with compassion allows me to experience life
without shutting anyone or anything out for fear of being hurt .... thank you HP/Al-Anon and MIP!!
Being a "newbie" to the program and listening to simple logic like the subject today gave me a toe up on the understanding of our program and then I "came to underestand". It still helps me to more easily understand the input of the oldtimers. Mahalo Family. (((hugs)))
Dealing with life and death has that effect on you
When I was at the height of my codependency one of my cousins sucked me into a crisis he had around someone dying
I no longer get sucked in. I no longer feel the impetus to rescue. I no longer am obsessed with people pleasing
I have to scratch my head though because every day I am looking for new tools. Every day I find new aspects of codependency that throw me for a loop. It is so complex and enmeshed. It is very hard to define at times and other times particularly flamboyant
Every day is a challenge without fail. I cannot say Ibam on top of this by any means
Maresie
Boundaries for me are strong yet flexible. They are to protect my sanity/serenity and not punitive. I have the choice and power to amend when necessary as well as if/how I announce them or just deploy them. Boundaries allow me to keep me safe and not isolate or wall off the world. I had to learn in recovery that if I want/intend to try to surround myself with others who are 'as I think they need to be', I will be terribly lonely/alone. We are all created to be perfectly imperfect and part of our human experience and growth comes from handling diversity in a healthy, mature way.
I have been an utterly unacceptable daughter, sister, mother, friend, etc. at points in my life. The healthiest folks I know did not 'ghost' me or put up permanent walls. They lovingly expressed concern and then put some healthy distance in place. I am grateful that I've been able to be forgiven and to forgive others and design healthy boundaries for continued growth.
Started my morning at the golf course - so, so pretty & serene. Came home, napped a bit and then canned some pickles this afternoon! Our weather has been mild so some of our veggies are slow to arrive -- yet, on the way!! My hope is all of you had a blessed day doing whatever brings you joy!!