C2C, 7/12, “encouraging and understanding alcoholic relatives”
Lyne said
Jul 11, 2021
The reading for Monday, 7/12, expresses the authors confusion: are they supposed to focus on themself, or get wrapped up in the drama of others? The author felt Tradition 5 was therefore sending a contradictory message, as they either focused on themself or lost themself in others. Balance was lacking. The author came to realize that they can focus on themself and have compassion for the alcoholics in their life. Being kind to others is a way of being good to ourselves, and we dont have to sacrifice ourself in this process.
Reminder: I am learning how to have saner and more loving relationships. Today I will offer support for those I love and still take care of myself.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well I learned about Tradition 5 way too late to help me understand and cope with my moms alcoholic partner. He rubbed everyone in the family the wrong way, and although I did my best to treat him in a civil manner, I must admit I lacked patience and compassion for him. He made the care of my mom in her elder years much more difficult, and he died when I was fairly new to program. I wonder if I could be a better person to him if I encountered him these days? I honestly dont know. Back in the day, I was just trying to survive my marriage to my A, and learning tools and doing steps and life was a bit upside down. My son currently has an alcoholic co-worker and I do have compassion and patience for him. I actually feel sorry for him that he is stuck in such a downward cycle. Perhaps I have made some progress in this area.
a4l said
Jul 11, 2021
Thanks for the service and the share Lyne. There have been moments where I felt i was ok with detached compassion for the alcoholics in my life. Moments. But at any point that the enmeshment occurs all bets are off. I am feeling at the moment that enmeshment is simply the nature of the beast. They come closer and pretend to be normal. Then do something mental and try to impose the normality of mental on everyone close by. That's where I'm at today. Compassion from a distance is do able and feels good. Get too close and it's a ticking time bomb.
Iamhere said
Jul 11, 2021
Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your ESH & shares. I absolutely dislike being around active addiction. It makes me uncomfortable and truly can set me on edge. My best action is to make sure I bring my HP and toolbox with me.
It is my boundaries that keep me sane most of the time with my family. Even those who are not alcoholics have been affected by the disease simply because it's woven in every generation as far back as I can see. Even when I am feeling less than compassionate, I often can get through anything when I remember to Pause and Pray before I Proceed.
I also do best having compassion from a distance. I volunteer with a guy who's wife is a raging alcoholic. She's supposed to go to treatment today/tomorrow. He doesn't know I'm in recovery - either side - yet I was able to offer support and service just by saying, "Let me know if I can do anything to help."
I'm better today than I used to be. Knowing that my disease includes my own denial, desire to control, manage, fix, monitor, etc. I tend to cautiously offer to be of service vs 'help'. Using program words reminds me to keep my sanity through detaching when necessary and boundaries always.
Enjoy your Monday all - I'm off to golf in the morning. I'm playing in a tournament Tuesday and can't wait!!
DM2021 said
Jul 11, 2021
Thank you Lyne for your service and today's reading and to you, a41 and IAH for all your ESH.
Yeah, detached compassion for AH and my close relatives has been my goal since joining
Al-Anon several years ago.
I feel the ebb and flow as time goes on, from a cold detachment to a more understanding
and a peaceful appreciation for the pain the disease has caused the alcoholic and myself.
I think it has to do with learning how my perception and expectations play a role in my
patience and care. I definitely feel like with each year I evolve to find a better way to be
more serene and to live with the ups and downs.
-- Edited by DM2021 on Sunday 11th of July 2021 09:31:14 PM
mamalioness said
Jul 11, 2021
Lyne. Thank you for your service and the daily. Oh I remember the days when I would ring my hands and worry about the sibling right after me and we are since kids we were best friends and he is an alcoholic but I can separate from the disease and just love him. I have or I should say he and I have a younger brother who is a street drug addict and he is missing and has been missing for a long time and we were talking about him and I was pretty proud of brother dearest because he did get some program under his belt when he was serving out his court ordered 90 day program to get his license back. We talked about detachment and we talked about how we can love somebody but not get so into their stuff that we lose ourselves and we talked about this maybe a week ago and I was pretty proud of him the way he was handling this. I know I am his favorite sibling but this younger one was may be a close second at one time until he just got so bad with the drugs and he is abusive and he has stolen from him and therefore they quit being close a long long long time ago because well hes just not safe to be around and now we dont even know where he is and I just told him we have to sit tight and give him over to creator and we have a pastor friend who will tell us when he finds anything out and we just have to trust that whatever the outcome, itll be OK.
The brother I am best friends with informed me this last talk that when he went out there three years ago I think it was three years ago he found out how our other Brother is supporting his habit and that is he is distributing for the dealers and they pay him in drugs and were talking hard hard narcotics like heroin and I forget the other drugs but bad bad stuff and I just thought oh Lord! I Told my brother I did not want to hear anymore about this. I cant do anything about it so dont depress me and tell me anymore and he said he would not. He said he held that information in for three years and he apologized to me for informing me what he knew and I told him It was OK, maybe he needed to get that out of his system, but I really dont want to talk about my youngest brother Delivering destruction to other human beings So he can keep his habit going. I was loving to him but I made it very clear that I dont want to hear stuff like that
JerryF said
Jul 11, 2021
I remember growing up in recovery at the knee of my sponsor Don.T when and where I came to understand the difference between don't, can't and won't. I didn't know at the time that he was a formitable with differences of understanding as he was but he taught me quickly. We were doing subjects of blame and responsibility and such and I was hard headed on keeping the blame game going strong and the numbers of people I could and would hold responsible for my negative characteristics and bad behaviors which I had not considered owing up on. He would catch me on the list with what I could (was able to) do and didn't and was able to do but wouldn't (ego). "So you are saying that you can make amends for this event or that behavior but won't" and this was where I had to aknowledge that I would not or wasn't working the program because "I" was better or much better than .... I have had trouble saying "I won't" ever since than and one Sunday morning at the morning meeting I heard my Higher Power mention the name of a young boy I had physically assaulted to unconciousness and then threatened his father with the same. HP mention his name only and I knew I could and would make the amends though it was 20 years later and they lived 52 hundred miles round trip away. I didn't know if they lived in the same place as the past and again if they would participate in the amends. I took the trip and could not/would not (temporarily) start the process. It took another 2 years and I became more educated about the entire event as they did. They said yes to the process because they needed to know and needed to settle and set aside old deep resentments and pain. I took HP with me to their house and I learned before getting there that they would be blaming themselves for the situation entirely having not heard from me.
When it was done...it was DONE and we passed and shared our lives also. Both said they could never believe anything like that could have or would have happened and now they could get on with their lives with out the deep negative spirit lingering on. One of the things I worked out with my sponsor and HP was that I had left them with the belief that they were the cause of the problem which was not true and today I keep that in mind if I am having any negative altercations with family, friends or anyone. I apologize sincerely even if I know I am not at fault. I can, I do Thanks to the steps, traditions, slogans, literature, fellowship and sponsor and HP. It works when I work it. ((((hugs))))
Maresie888 said
Jul 12, 2021
In my meditation practice we work on this tool .
I am truly grateful to have a meditation practice to fall back on
During Covid I have been able to sustain that practice because of Zoom
I am looking forward to the day we go to face to face meetings again.
Thank you for bringing up this topic. I find great solace in this practice
My meditation teacher gave the example of Elvis Presley. At one time Elvis had the practice of giving people a Cadillac if he liked their vibe. He described this practice in those terms of mentally wishing others well
So now thanks to my meditation practice I can be like Elvis. When I am in that mode my tolerance for frustration is far better. That has been one of my goals in the past ie ur
Lyne said
Jul 12, 2021
A4l, I had a laugh out loud moment when I read what your wrote:.they pretend to be normal! Perhaps it is I who forgets how deeply entrenched alcohol is to its victims.
The reading for Monday, 7/12, expresses the authors confusion: are they supposed to focus on themself, or get wrapped up in the drama of others? The author felt Tradition 5 was therefore sending a contradictory message, as they either focused on themself or lost themself in others. Balance was lacking. The author came to realize that they can focus on themself and have compassion for the alcoholics in their life. Being kind to others is a way of being good to ourselves, and we dont have to sacrifice ourself in this process.
Reminder: I am learning how to have saner and more loving relationships. Today I will offer support for those I love and still take care of myself.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well I learned about Tradition 5 way too late to help me understand and cope with my moms alcoholic partner. He rubbed everyone in the family the wrong way, and although I did my best to treat him in a civil manner, I must admit I lacked patience and compassion for him. He made the care of my mom in her elder years much more difficult, and he died when I was fairly new to program. I wonder if I could be a better person to him if I encountered him these days? I honestly dont know. Back in the day, I was just trying to survive my marriage to my A, and learning tools and doing steps and life was a bit upside down. My son currently has an alcoholic co-worker and I do have compassion and patience for him. I actually feel sorry for him that he is stuck in such a downward cycle. Perhaps I have made some progress in this area.
It is my boundaries that keep me sane most of the time with my family. Even those who are not alcoholics have been affected by the disease simply because it's woven in every generation as far back as I can see. Even when I am feeling less than compassionate, I often can get through anything when I remember to Pause and Pray before I Proceed.
I also do best having compassion from a distance. I volunteer with a guy who's wife is a raging alcoholic. She's supposed to go to treatment today/tomorrow. He doesn't know I'm in recovery - either side - yet I was able to offer support and service just by saying, "Let me know if I can do anything to help."
I'm better today than I used to be. Knowing that my disease includes my own denial, desire to control, manage, fix, monitor, etc. I tend to cautiously offer to be of service vs 'help'. Using program words reminds me to keep my sanity through detaching when necessary and boundaries always.
Enjoy your Monday all - I'm off to golf in the morning. I'm playing in a tournament Tuesday and can't wait!!
Thank you Lyne for your service and today's reading and to you, a41 and IAH for all your ESH.
Yeah, detached compassion for AH and my close relatives has been my goal since joining
Al-Anon several years ago.
I feel the ebb and flow as time goes on, from a cold detachment to a more understanding
and a peaceful appreciation for the pain the disease has caused the alcoholic and myself.
I think it has to do with learning how my perception and expectations play a role in my
patience and care. I definitely feel like with each year I evolve to find a better way to be
more serene and to live with the ups and downs.
-- Edited by DM2021 on Sunday 11th of July 2021 09:31:14 PM
The brother I am best friends with informed me this last talk that when he went out there three years ago I think it was three years ago he found out how our other Brother is supporting his habit and that is he is distributing for the dealers and they pay him in drugs and were talking hard hard narcotics like heroin and I forget the other drugs but bad bad stuff and I just thought oh Lord! I Told my brother I did not want to hear anymore about this. I cant do anything about it so dont depress me and tell me anymore and he said he would not. He said he held that information in for three years and he apologized to me for informing me what he knew and I told him It was OK, maybe he needed to get that out of his system, but I really dont want to talk about my youngest brother Delivering destruction to other human beings So he can keep his habit going. I was loving to him but I made it very clear that I dont want to hear stuff like that
I remember growing up in recovery at the knee of my sponsor Don.T when and where I came to understand the difference between don't, can't and won't. I didn't know at the time that he was a formitable with differences of understanding as he was but he taught me quickly. We were doing subjects of blame and responsibility and such and I was hard headed on keeping the blame game going strong and the numbers of people I could and would hold responsible for my negative characteristics and bad behaviors which I had not considered owing up on. He would catch me on the list with what I could (was able to) do and didn't and was able to do but wouldn't (ego). "So you are saying that you can make amends for this event or that behavior but won't" and this was where I had to aknowledge that I would not or wasn't working the program because "I" was better or much better than .... I have had trouble saying "I won't" ever since than and one Sunday morning at the morning meeting I heard my Higher Power mention the name of a young boy I had physically assaulted to unconciousness and then threatened his father with the same. HP mention his name only and I knew I could and would make the amends though it was 20 years later and they lived 52 hundred miles round trip away. I didn't know if they lived in the same place as the past and again if they would participate in the amends. I took the trip and could not/would not (temporarily) start the process. It took another 2 years and I became more educated about the entire event as they did. They said yes to the process because they needed to know and needed to settle and set aside old deep resentments and pain. I took HP with me to their house and I learned before getting there that they would be blaming themselves for the situation entirely having not heard from me.
When it was done...it was DONE and we passed and shared our lives also. Both said they could never believe anything like that could have or would have happened and now they could get on with their lives with out the deep negative spirit lingering on. One of the things I worked out with my sponsor and HP was that I had left them with the belief that they were the cause of the problem which was not true and today I keep that in mind if I am having any negative altercations with family, friends or anyone. I apologize sincerely even if I know I am not at fault. I can, I do Thanks to the steps, traditions, slogans, literature, fellowship and sponsor and HP. It works when I work it. ((((hugs))))
In my meditation practice we work on this tool .
I am truly grateful to have a meditation practice to fall back on
During Covid I have been able to sustain that practice because of Zoom
I am looking forward to the day we go to face to face meetings again.
Thank you for bringing up this topic. I find great solace in this practice
My meditation teacher gave the example of Elvis Presley. At one time Elvis had the practice of giving people a Cadillac if he liked their vibe. He described this practice in those terms of mentally wishing others well
So now thanks to my meditation practice I can be like Elvis. When I am in that mode my tolerance for frustration is far better. That has been one of my goals in the past ie ur