I don't know if anyone can relate, but I suspect so, it being the family disease.
I feel like it sneaks up on me. Alcholism of loved ones, the cycles of dysfunction and I let my guard down and got sucked back in. My go to response to insanity has been to leave whatever country I am in and cut off everybody. The difficulty with that is, you end up with a small world and it gets quite lonely.
At the moment, I feel a bit vulnerable. And tired. In a breif nutshell, I come from an insane background and I dont care what the alcoholism deniers say; that insanity is a direct result of alcohol addiction. A member here once asked years ago how much crazy other members could relate to. I answered badly. Now I understand the question and the reasoning.
Too much crazy that becomes a type of normal until either death or the police arrest it and the latter lock people up. In between, a whole bunch of affected lives.
For me, I feel like I am trying really hard to break that generational curse. I am so tired and far too tense about it. Law school is taking a long time which is not a bad thing, but it is also a hard long time. I finished exams two days ago; three days, three exams, each four hours in duration. I hope I have done enough to pass. So many nights after doing home and kids and part time legal work, spent up in front of my computer, books everywhere. Pack them away, go to sleep at 2am, wake up at 6.30, repeat. Some days, I was just too tired. Anyway I did my best in the circumstances. Not my intellectual best, but my best in the circumstances.
I also started getting selfish with my goal last semester. I couldnt detach with love in all cases so I detached with abrubt silence and ignoring things I considered petty. The problem is, when my mouth goes silent, my mind goes into &%%4 everyone who is perceived to be getting in my way mode. THe thing is they are not getting in my way, they are being them, and I am perceiving it as a deliberate interference. SO, there are no short cuts in recovery. If I take short cuts it will come back and bite me in the rear eventually.
I feel so intensely that what I am trying to do with my life is to be of service to my descendents and that feels really huge. I want so much for my children to not have to start where I did which is basically fighting to get to the start line in the first place. And when I get triggered I get completely triggered. You know how alcoholics have that ability to criticise everything you do even when they have never done it? It sounds insane of course it does. But in the moment, I have not stopped to tell myself this is the insanity of the disease speaking A4l. I instead start logically weighing everything that is wrog with that criticism and why it is wrong and then I get so angry I want to break something. Anger is a really shitty counsellor. I need to shift out of it but I just don't know how apart from cutting off completely.
I also think, I have spent a lot of time in flight or fight mode. there has to be an inbetween. I no longer flee and I have learned to pick my battles. Sometimes though the battles choose me.
I put my hand through a window the day before yesterday. I was so frustrated. No one was around; I just couldn't hold it inside and wanted to feel some kind of physical realty of pain. As a teenager, I used to get body piercings done for that reason. A huge backwards step really. It got triggered by an ill family member. I was subjected to the most vile abuse of every kind by that persons husband as an infant and a girl. In order to get the information required for my mother, I had to ring and speak to this person, which I was ok with. What I was not ok with, was the attitude of entitlement and total lack of appreciation for my effort. Rudeness, I can't abide it. Long story short I was very triggered, I did not handle it well and I do not feel happy to have sunk to the level of everything I am trying to escape.
It is hard going escaping insanity of alcoholism. I need to be around more, thank you for listening.
Daffodils said
Jul 11, 2021
Good Morning a41. Just wanted to acknowledge that I heard you. It takes a lot of courage to face everything on your plate and take the time to reach out. I hope you practice self care and look after your hand. You are phenomenal-juggling school, work, and family. Sending you love, light and blessings. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Maresie888 said
Jul 11, 2021
I can certainly relate to hurting myself. I dropped something on my foot. A pretty heavy thing
My foot has been swollen off at least 7 weeks. Then I tripped over 7/8 inch long bruise on my leg. More pain and swelling. At one point I could not negotiate stairs ..
Earlier this year I dropped a brand new work phone. I had to pay for a new screen. The new screen installation caused problems it took al the downloads out
For me personally those incidents are signs I am way way way overloaded. Too overloaded..
I have to pull back re evaluate.
I also have to really cut back on frustration
They are for me big red flags
I am still coming out of the broken dog one. I was in great oa iij n
I hope you are all bandaged up avd giving yourself some respite. We all go over the edge .
When I lived with the qualifier I was on the edge 24/7
It was very painful. I was totally exhausted
Maresie
Bettertomorrow said
Jul 11, 2021
It feels like this is a time to be really gentle on yourself and lots of self care. I hear your tiredness, vulnerability and frustration and you have just finished what sound like some really tough exams, so well done for seeing them through.
I can empathise with you. When I am in flight, fight or freeze mood, it's no use for me trying to think logically - all my responses come from a visceral level deep inside me.
Alchoholism in the family is like living in a thick fog, which invades every pore and makes it so difficult to see a way forward.
It sounds like you have recognised what has happened, what had triggered you - so I am sending you lots of healing vibes and hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. Take care, (( ))
mamalioness said
Jul 11, 2021
Yes I can relate as well, good topic! When I find myself self sabotaging and not paying attention with me it is very difficult to slow down and pay attention but I must make myself do that and for me I just try to keep it simple and instead of saying one day at a time to myself I just say how about one thing at a time Rosie! And so I just when I see myself and self sabotage it means I am overloaded either with worry or allowing too much of life to just come out me All at once which can happen without my doing anything but its up to me what I do with it. And when I feel overloaded with stress its time to back off first things first and keep it simple and for me, I have to keep making myself slow down slow down and pay attention pay attention even if I have to narrate to myself what I am doing it keeps me in the present. I hope this post made sense
a4l said
Jul 11, 2021
Thank You Daffodils, TT, Maresie , Bettertomorrow and Rose for taking the time to share your ESH. I appreciate it. " All my responses come from a visceral level deep inside me"...this resonates Bettertomorrow and I take comfort from it because the feeling of being out of control triggers a deep sense of isolation. I am human, it is normal in the mode of fight, flight or freeze to experience responses that are from that place. I am not alone. Rose, regarding slowing down to the moment. I was driving and had to clearly tell myself to control my feelings. I did it of course as I was driving. It was a conscious effort nonetheless to self talk myself into a rational responsive state. TT, that was just so kind and loving, thank you for giving me an example of reframing my self-talk in order to shift back on to my chosen path. Daffodils, that was very sweet of you and thank you. Thank you for hearing me. Maresie, being on edge 24-7, yes that too is coming up for me as part of this recent experience. The memories are so awful I want to run, fight and destroy. But I am reminded powerfully that today my commitment is to nurture, love and grow. Only I can give that away and I will not because it is precious and I have worked hard for it.
I probably shall go and have a little sob session to get this out of my energy field and get back to my new normal. My new normal of being reliable, appreciated, nurturing and confident. My gratitude to you all this Sunday. (((MIP)))
Iamhere said
Jul 11, 2021
Hey (((a4l))) - I hear you and am so reminded of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. You share is loaded full of the first 2. I am one that believes nothing happens by mistake so perhaps 'this' has been presented simply because HP is aware that you are ready/able for action.
I have had anger issues my entire life. I honestly can't say what has helped perfectly but can say that practicing good self-care, prioritizing me - rest, food, activity, etc. and prioritizing my recovery must contribute to my progress, growth and change. There is still a slow, low boil within me just below the surface. When I am restless, irritable or discontent, I can feel it rising up.
For me, practicing that Pause to Pray before I Proceed has been gold. The first 2 allow me a moment to gather the reality vs. my view of it and that prayer has delivered how best to proceed over and over and over again. I've not hit a wall, thrown a dish or a variety of other 'responses' in a long, long while.
It appears that you've been on overload/overdrive for a long while. It's my hope for you that the next chapter gives you exactly what you need - one step, one day forward at a time. You got this. You are changing how the disease has affected your bloodline one day at a time just by being brave enough and willing enough to change.
Breathe, breathe, breathe and know that you matter, you are loved and your are worth it!!!
mamalioness said
Jul 13, 2021
I love what I am here said about awareness, acceptance, actions, and I do have anger issues and I noticed I allow my feelings I recognize my feelings I investigators is this Old anger or is it something new where I have to set a boundary but the bottom line is I make myself step back and take deep breaths and go around if I cannot get through directly, go around, go under, but I tell myself out loud because I know this is all control programming in my subconscious mind. If I am not in control thats when the anger comes up because it is born out of fear Ive been helpless and being doomed and I just have to step back and do a lot of self talk and I will literally tell my subconscious mind,--I am not going to argue with you I am going to go around or whatever but whatever I do I am not going to get into a fight with you I am not going to Resist you and at the very worst, Ill just let go and walk away and that has helped greatly with my anger issues I always felt that having anger issues meant that I had some bad defect about myself that I was never going to overcome that behavior modification can really really help it is for me and lots of self talk and I do see progress
a4l said
Jul 14, 2021
Thank you Rose. and IAH. Valuable tips in both shares, re: vulnerable points that are likely to flare and actively taking calming actions to not react. I think honestly I have a lot of work to do around acceptance and releasing judgement. I am still not free of all the basement emotions when it comes to drinkers. I want to be though. Thank you both again.
Maresie888 said
Jul 14, 2021
My childhood memories when they first returned were particularly visceral. In fact I lived in one apartment when those memories flooded through me. My association with that apartment is of being flooded
I am most certainly grateful for having made it through that time
My memories did not flood through me for ever
On many levels I am so grateful for the way my recovery evolved
While I no longer have to deal with my family of origin Inhsve tl deal with people like them. That is indeed a challenge. The issue for me is being able to observe them. I no longer feel victimized by them.
I don't know if anyone can relate, but I suspect so, it being the family disease.
I feel like it sneaks up on me. Alcholism of loved ones, the cycles of dysfunction and I let my guard down and got sucked back in. My go to response to insanity has been to leave whatever country I am in and cut off everybody. The difficulty with that is, you end up with a small world and it gets quite lonely.
At the moment, I feel a bit vulnerable. And tired. In a breif nutshell, I come from an insane background and I dont care what the alcoholism deniers say; that insanity is a direct result of alcohol addiction. A member here once asked years ago how much crazy other members could relate to. I answered badly. Now I understand the question and the reasoning.
Too much crazy that becomes a type of normal until either death or the police arrest it and the latter lock people up. In between, a whole bunch of affected lives.
For me, I feel like I am trying really hard to break that generational curse. I am so tired and far too tense about it. Law school is taking a long time which is not a bad thing, but it is also a hard long time. I finished exams two days ago; three days, three exams, each four hours in duration. I hope I have done enough to pass. So many nights after doing home and kids and part time legal work, spent up in front of my computer, books everywhere. Pack them away, go to sleep at 2am, wake up at 6.30, repeat. Some days, I was just too tired. Anyway I did my best in the circumstances. Not my intellectual best, but my best in the circumstances.
I also started getting selfish with my goal last semester. I couldnt detach with love in all cases so I detached with abrubt silence and ignoring things I considered petty. The problem is, when my mouth goes silent, my mind goes into &%%4 everyone who is perceived to be getting in my way mode. THe thing is they are not getting in my way, they are being them, and I am perceiving it as a deliberate interference. SO, there are no short cuts in recovery. If I take short cuts it will come back and bite me in the rear eventually.
I feel so intensely that what I am trying to do with my life is to be of service to my descendents and that feels really huge. I want so much for my children to not have to start where I did which is basically fighting to get to the start line in the first place. And when I get triggered I get completely triggered. You know how alcoholics have that ability to criticise everything you do even when they have never done it? It sounds insane of course it does. But in the moment, I have not stopped to tell myself this is the insanity of the disease speaking A4l. I instead start logically weighing everything that is wrog with that criticism and why it is wrong and then I get so angry I want to break something. Anger is a really shitty counsellor. I need to shift out of it but I just don't know how apart from cutting off completely.
I also think, I have spent a lot of time in flight or fight mode. there has to be an inbetween. I no longer flee and I have learned to pick my battles. Sometimes though the battles choose me.
I put my hand through a window the day before yesterday. I was so frustrated. No one was around; I just couldn't hold it inside and wanted to feel some kind of physical realty of pain. As a teenager, I used to get body piercings done for that reason. A huge backwards step really. It got triggered by an ill family member. I was subjected to the most vile abuse of every kind by that persons husband as an infant and a girl. In order to get the information required for my mother, I had to ring and speak to this person, which I was ok with. What I was not ok with, was the attitude of entitlement and total lack of appreciation for my effort. Rudeness, I can't abide it. Long story short I was very triggered, I did not handle it well and I do not feel happy to have sunk to the level of everything I am trying to escape.
It is hard going escaping insanity of alcoholism. I need to be around more, thank you for listening.
My foot has been swollen off at least 7 weeks. Then I tripped over 7/8 inch long bruise on my leg. More pain and swelling. At one point I could not negotiate stairs ..
Earlier this year I dropped a brand new work phone. I had to pay for a new screen. The new screen installation caused problems it took al the downloads out
For me personally those incidents are signs I am way way way overloaded. Too overloaded..
I have to pull back re evaluate.
I also have to really cut back on frustration
They are for me big red flags
I am still coming out of the broken dog one. I was in great oa iij n
I hope you are all bandaged up avd giving yourself some respite. We all go over the edge .
When I lived with the qualifier I was on the edge 24/7
It was very painful. I was totally exhausted
Maresie
It feels like this is a time to be really gentle on yourself and lots of self care. I hear your tiredness, vulnerability and frustration and you have just finished what sound like some really tough exams, so well done for seeing them through.
I can empathise with you. When I am in flight, fight or freeze mood, it's no use for me trying to think logically - all my responses come from a visceral level deep inside me.
Alchoholism in the family is like living in a thick fog, which invades every pore and makes it so difficult to see a way forward.
It sounds like you have recognised what has happened, what had triggered you - so I am sending you lots of healing vibes and hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. Take care, (( ))
I probably shall go and have a little sob session to get this out of my energy field and get back to my new normal. My new normal of being reliable, appreciated, nurturing and confident. My gratitude to you all this Sunday. (((MIP)))
I have had anger issues my entire life. I honestly can't say what has helped perfectly but can say that practicing good self-care, prioritizing me - rest, food, activity, etc. and prioritizing my recovery must contribute to my progress, growth and change. There is still a slow, low boil within me just below the surface. When I am restless, irritable or discontent, I can feel it rising up.
For me, practicing that Pause to Pray before I Proceed has been gold. The first 2 allow me a moment to gather the reality vs. my view of it and that prayer has delivered how best to proceed over and over and over again. I've not hit a wall, thrown a dish or a variety of other 'responses' in a long, long while.
It appears that you've been on overload/overdrive for a long while. It's my hope for you that the next chapter gives you exactly what you need - one step, one day forward at a time. You got this. You are changing how the disease has affected your bloodline one day at a time just by being brave enough and willing enough to change.
Breathe, breathe, breathe and know that you matter, you are loved and your are worth it!!!
My childhood memories when they first returned were particularly visceral. In fact I lived in one apartment when those memories flooded through me. My association with that apartment is of being flooded
I am most certainly grateful for having made it through that time
My memories did not flood through me for ever
On many levels I am so grateful for the way my recovery evolved
While I no longer have to deal with my family of origin Inhsve tl deal with people like them. That is indeed a challenge. The issue for me is being able to observe them. I no longer feel victimized by them.
Maresie