In today's post, the author shares that pre-alanon, they felt compelled to assign blame during every conflict. At any conflict or disagreement, they felt compelled to decide who was at fault. They would spend hours writing the evidence, becoming a chronic score keeper. Attitudes of defensiveness, anger, and anxiety became all-consuming.
With alanon, the author discovered that disputes come up even when everyone is doing their best. Focusing on assigning blame only prevents the author from living a serene life with a focus on solutions. If the author focuses their own part, they are free to make amends if they have made mistakes. Now, the author realizes that conflict is not always an indication that something is wrong. Sometimes people just disagree.
Todays reminder: today i accept that each life has its share of conflict. It is not my job to document every such incident. Instead of winging my hands and pointing my fingers, i can consider the possibility that everything is happening exactly as it should. Sometimes, blame is just an excuse to keep busy so that i don't have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness.
Today's quote: "The mind grows by what it feeds on." Josiah G. Holland
-------------------
Today's quote really speaks to me. It is an interesting concept that the things i choose to think about can have such a large impact on how i think about my life and the world around me. But i have found it to be true: when i focus on negativity, i have more negativity negativity and anxiety. When i keep my thoughts in the present moment and dealing with what is going on right now, serenity comes more easily.
I hope you make today a good day
Daffodils said
Jul 7, 2021
Good Morning Skorpi. Thank you for your servce, daily, and ESH. It is a much needed mood modifier. Received sad news about loss of an Uncle and have been ruminating for hours. Anyways, I was a chronic score keeper. Pre Al-Anon, I rarely called people out at the time they hurt me. I would take things in stride and whoa, the day would come when I'd lose it and shred them with "evidence". I usually stunned people and ended up being the bad guy .
Your point- what we focus on grows- has altered the chatter in my head this morning. I will seize the day and focus on the goodness.
Have a wonderful day. I am off to get my second jab..woo hoo
Lyne said
Jul 7, 2021
Thanks Skorpi for your service and all above ESH. Wow, I used to ruminate and stew on negativity, whether I was wrong or right (rarely saw myself as right), but with my A I kept the score card and I was always in the know or so I thought. It was my first sponsor who taught me to focus on myself, all of myself (good and bad), and to carry a QTIP at all times (quit taking it personally). Over time I have learned to let go and let God, live and let live, two slogans I practice often. Progress not perfection.
Maresie888 said
Jul 7, 2021
Skorpi
What s beautiful dog. What an incredibly happy dog .
My issue of course with keeping score was that one incident would trigger a lot of pain. The pain being from the past
Now when an incident happens I have time and space to respond
Of course I am certainly not perfect at responding
Me nevertheless I do get to respond
I.feel very lucky that I have got to a point where I do not have to wade through my history
I am grareful to be at this place
Life is full of conflict. I mo.lomger have to walk around totally weighed down in resentment
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Wednesday 7th of July 2021 03:12:23 PM
DavidG said
Jul 7, 2021
Thanks Skorpi... my mind was an endless cycle of blame and shame. Very stubborn and very difficult to wring out- simply through sharing.
But over time- and with changed attitudes and behaviours- it does change- one day at a time. ...
Iamhere said
Jul 7, 2021
Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares. I have always really loved the quote and thought it silly first time I read it. Yet, my experience is that it's spot on, at least for my life/experience. There is something incredible magical about how an attitude of gratitude and service keeps me on the positive side of things. When I allow insanity and chaos to lead me instead of what's suggested in recovery, it can snowball in my mind and that's no longer a place I want to hang out.
I'm grateful that I can allow life to unfold as it's supposed to. I'm grateful I no longer care to keep score, it's easier to detach and carry on. I do believe all things unfold as they are supposed to and that I am lead to where I need to be. Al-anon has restored my faith in my higher power, myself, my recovery and my journey - I am no longer lost or crazed by people, places and things I am powerless over.
I am content and comfortable today in my own skin, and fully expect and embrace that disagreements are a part of life. With healthy boundaries and detaching, I am able to step back from hostility, which is different from disagreements. I am able today to disagree with others respectfully even when/if they aren't. It's my own motives and expectations for me that matter for my sanity/serenity.
Daffodils - I love your double rainbow in your avatar. My apologies if I've missed it until now. Super pretty & serene!
Daffodils said
Jul 8, 2021
Thank you Iamhere. I miss you. (((HUGS)))
Maresie888 said
Jul 9, 2021
My meditation teacher some weeks ago challenged us to make change. After all the pandemic will be over. Why not be ready. No one had time to deal with the changes from the pandemic. We were completely blindsided
So now the pandemic is over time to make changes
Meantime while my casualty is certainly there a real tangible loss of wages there are other people around me who are completely slammed. That is major major losses. One of my friends lost his sister to Covid. After that he became a virtual recluse. He is fully vaccinated. Still a virtual recluse
Other friends have thrown caution to the wind. They are of on numerous vacations. All their plans are on hold. They are simply living like there is no.tomrrow
Meanwhile I am dealing with the push pull of how do you move forward when so many things are in shut down
I have goals.
I have plans. Then of course I have to change those plans
I have to deal with push pull all the time. Push towards hoa kn s get pulled back into set backs
Recently I saw one of my neighbors get to a measurable goal. Before they got there they had a series of set backs. They pushed through all of them
Now they are in a whole different paradigm
What a revelation
So change is certainly on the horizon big change
I am in a better place to step up to it
Nevertheless we do not know where change will bring us.
That is obvious from the vast changes inflicted on so many of is during the pandemic
I am still riding those changes
I am still dealing with them avd now I need to get ready for more
When I was with the qualifier I was so exhausted from the chaos he brought on that I couldn't imagine change. The paradox is everything had to change once I came into al anon. Drowning in resentment is not a place to be. It is a terrible place to be.
Making room for change is my immediate goal. Making room to breathe, rejoice and expand. They all go along with change
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 9th of July 2021 03:13:58 PM
mamalioness said
Jul 9, 2021
Skorpi. Wonderful share and thank you for your service. I had to smile when I was reading this because I thought oh my goodness! I was the score keeper, nothing got passed me as far as an offense to put them in my court of judgment
I was the consummate score keeper. Not one negative thing what escape my vengeful and back at ya mind set. I look back at those days and I just think oh God! Thank you for Al-Anon because now I prefer to stay in my own lane. Work on me which is a full-time job and maintain good boundaries and if somebody does do something that goes over the line so to speak, I can bring it up without working their inventory and just say what the behavior is impacting me on and usually I dont even have to mention what I am going to do to take care of myself because I have healthy people in my life now so when I just bring it up something that they said or did, immediately the amends calm. And we sort it out and we both learn something from it. We both grow from it. I am very blessed to have the people in my life that I do. My close circle is small but I always did embrace quality over quantity and I think staying in my own lane which is what I work to do now saves a lot of codependent fixing and obsessing over others and detachment is easier. But I had to smile when I saw this post because oh I was awful in this regard. Thank you Al-Anon for getting me out of that Way of living.
I am grateful that I want to keep the focus on me and also live and let live
a4l said
Jul 10, 2021
I'm adding a belated share with apologies. Thank you for the service and the share Skorpi. I really need to reaquaint myself with all the foundation work of our programme. Sometimes it's hard to know the line between not enabling and outright disdaining a loved one with alcoholism for me of late. I hope to change that.
In today's post, the author shares that pre-alanon, they felt compelled to assign blame during every conflict. At any conflict or disagreement, they felt compelled to decide who was at fault. They would spend hours writing the evidence, becoming a chronic score keeper. Attitudes of defensiveness, anger, and anxiety became all-consuming.
With alanon, the author discovered that disputes come up even when everyone is doing their best. Focusing on assigning blame only prevents the author from living a serene life with a focus on solutions. If the author focuses their own part, they are free to make amends if they have made mistakes. Now, the author realizes that conflict is not always an indication that something is wrong. Sometimes people just disagree.
Todays reminder: today i accept that each life has its share of conflict. It is not my job to document every such incident. Instead of winging my hands and pointing my fingers, i can consider the possibility that everything is happening exactly as it should. Sometimes, blame is just an excuse to keep busy so that i don't have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness.
Today's quote: "The mind grows by what it feeds on." Josiah G. Holland
-------------------
Today's quote really speaks to me. It is an interesting concept that the things i choose to think about can have such a large impact on how i think about my life and the world around me. But i have found it to be true: when i focus on negativity, i have more negativity negativity and anxiety. When i keep my thoughts in the present moment and dealing with what is going on right now, serenity comes more easily.
I hope you make today a good day
Thanks Skorpi for your service and all above ESH. Wow, I used to ruminate and stew on negativity, whether I was wrong or right (rarely saw myself as right), but with my A I kept the score card and I was always in the know or so I thought. It was my first sponsor who taught me to focus on myself, all of myself (good and bad), and to carry a QTIP at all times (quit taking it personally). Over time I have learned to let go and let God, live and let live, two slogans I practice often. Progress not perfection.
Skorpi
What s beautiful dog. What an incredibly happy dog .
My issue of course with keeping score was that one incident would trigger a lot of pain. The pain being from the past
Now when an incident happens I have time and space to respond
Of course I am certainly not perfect at responding
Me nevertheless I do get to respond
I.feel very lucky that I have got to a point where I do not have to wade through my history
I am grareful to be at this place
Life is full of conflict. I mo.lomger have to walk around totally weighed down in resentment
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Wednesday 7th of July 2021 03:12:23 PM
But over time- and with changed attitudes and behaviours- it does change- one day at a time.
...
I'm grateful that I can allow life to unfold as it's supposed to. I'm grateful I no longer care to keep score, it's easier to detach and carry on. I do believe all things unfold as they are supposed to and that I am lead to where I need to be. Al-anon has restored my faith in my higher power, myself, my recovery and my journey - I am no longer lost or crazed by people, places and things I am powerless over.
I am content and comfortable today in my own skin, and fully expect and embrace that disagreements are a part of life. With healthy boundaries and detaching, I am able to step back from hostility, which is different from disagreements. I am able today to disagree with others respectfully even when/if they aren't. It's my own motives and expectations for me that matter for my sanity/serenity.
Daffodils - I love your double rainbow in your avatar. My apologies if I've missed it until now. Super pretty & serene!
My meditation teacher some weeks ago challenged us to make change. After all the pandemic will be over. Why not be ready. No one had time to deal with the changes from the pandemic. We were completely blindsided
So now the pandemic is over time to make changes
Meantime while my casualty is certainly there a real tangible loss of wages there are other people around me who are completely slammed. That is major major losses. One of my friends lost his sister to Covid. After that he became a virtual recluse. He is fully vaccinated. Still a virtual recluse
Other friends have thrown caution to the wind. They are of on numerous vacations. All their plans are on hold. They are simply living like there is no.tomrrow
Meanwhile I am dealing with the push pull of how do you move forward when so many things are in shut down
I have goals.
I have plans. Then of course I have to change those plans
I have to deal with push pull all the time. Push towards hoa kn s get pulled back into set backs
Recently I saw one of my neighbors get to a measurable goal. Before they got there they had a series of set backs. They pushed through all of them
Now they are in a whole different paradigm
What a revelation
So change is certainly on the horizon big change
I am in a better place to step up to it
Nevertheless we do not know where change will bring us.
That is obvious from the vast changes inflicted on so many of is during the pandemic
I am still riding those changes
I am still dealing with them avd now I need to get ready for more
When I was with the qualifier I was so exhausted from the chaos he brought on that I couldn't imagine change. The paradox is everything had to change once I came into al anon. Drowning in resentment is not a place to be. It is a terrible place to be.
Making room for change is my immediate goal. Making room to breathe, rejoice and expand. They all go along with change
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 9th of July 2021 03:13:58 PM
I was the consummate score keeper. Not one negative thing what escape my vengeful and back at ya mind set. I look back at those days and I just think oh God! Thank you for Al-Anon because now I prefer to stay in my own lane. Work on me which is a full-time job and maintain good boundaries and if somebody does do something that goes over the line so to speak, I can bring it up without working their inventory and just say what the behavior is impacting me on and usually I dont even have to mention what I am going to do to take care of myself because I have healthy people in my life now so when I just bring it up something that they said or did, immediately the amends calm. And we sort it out and we both learn something from it. We both grow from it. I am very blessed to have the people in my life that I do. My close circle is small but I always did embrace quality over quantity and I think staying in my own lane which is what I work to do now saves a lot of codependent fixing and obsessing over others and detachment is easier. But I had to smile when I saw this post because oh I was awful in this regard. Thank you Al-Anon for getting me out of that Way of living.
I am grateful that I want to keep the focus on me and also live and let live