7/6/21 ODAT – When the Drinking Stops, Perfection?
Enigmatic said
Jul 6, 2021
Surprising to some, challenges remain even after the alcoholic stops drinking. The adjustments in earning and household responsibilities made by both parties may now become apparent, must be addressed and possibly reassigned. This can be very challenging.
Like any situation we encounter, Alanon can help us get through one day at a time.
Reminder - I will not expect too much, nor that they will turn into perfect mates. It will be Alanon that restores my sanity and helps me handle developments with love and understanding.
"No great improvements are possible in the lot of mankind until a change takes place in their modes of thought." -------------------------- Well into recovery, each time the drinking stopped I built up expectations and was devastated with the setbacks. My efforts to control, along with other demonstrations of my insanity also failed to disappear immediately after I began working my recovery in Alanon, yet I certainly expected dramatic changes in my qualifier when they began theirs.
I failed to see this hypocrisy well into my recovery. Facing it honestly helps me remember that I am no better than the alcoholic, no matter how much I want to believe that at times. True changes take place at a deep, spiritual level on both sides.
Finding peace and acceptance through the various stages of recovery of my qualifier, regardless of their level of drinking, has been more an indicator of where I am in my own program than where they have been in theirs.
Grateful for the guidance and wisdom of the program
Lyne said
Jul 6, 2021
Thank you Paul for this important reading/reminder, and your ESH. I completely relate: promises would be made to me over and over again, which for years I believed, only to be disappointed time after time. I wanted my A to stop drinking but my spouse had other plans.
I think I hit a point where I accepted that my spouse was going to drink, and would continue to make promises that a couldnt be kept. Perhaps that is when I truly could focus on myself. Although Ive carried very low expectations for my marriage, there is actually some progress of late. I try to have acceptance, live and let live, and of course, journey forward ODAT.
Daffodils said
Jul 6, 2021
Thanks Paul for your service/ESH and shares above. "True changes take place at a deep spiritual level on both sides " ...upon reading this, I realize that at times I still have expectations for my A to get with the program and keep pace with me. All this does is create tension and resentment which interferes with my growth. As Lyne said "Live and Let Live ". I see how I have denied myself many experiences because I parked my butt waiting for AH to catch up. When I follow Al-Anon directions, mind my own business and turn it over, my AH and I have a more peaceful coexistence... and miraculously AH has less flaws ....LOL Have a splendid day.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 6, 2021
I knew things wouldn't be perfect. I didn't expect a perfect marriage... after all, we had been seeing a marriage counselor for close to 11 years! Our marriage was a work in progress, but it was started on "good bones." It was the disease that changed things.
But this is a good reminder that everyone goes at their own pace, regardless if they even live in the same household, and are working the same 12 Steps.
Surprising to some, challenges remain even after the alcoholic stops drinking. The adjustments in earning and household responsibilities made by both parties may now become apparent, must be addressed and possibly reassigned. This can be very challenging.
Like any situation we encounter, Alanon can help us get through one day at a time.
Reminder - I will not expect too much, nor that they will turn into perfect mates. It will be Alanon that restores my sanity and helps me handle developments with love and understanding.
"No great improvements are possible in the lot of mankind until a change takes place in their modes of thought."
--------------------------
Well into recovery, each time the drinking stopped I built up expectations and was devastated with the setbacks. My efforts to control, along with other demonstrations of my insanity also failed to disappear immediately after I began working my recovery in Alanon, yet I certainly expected dramatic changes in my qualifier when they began theirs.
I failed to see this hypocrisy well into my recovery. Facing it honestly helps me remember that I am no better than the alcoholic, no matter how much I want to believe that at times. True changes take place at a deep, spiritual level on both sides.
Finding peace and acceptance through the various stages of recovery of my qualifier, regardless of their level of drinking, has been more an indicator of where I am in my own program than where they have been in theirs.
Grateful for the guidance and wisdom of the program
I think I hit a point where I accepted that my spouse was going to drink, and would continue to make promises that a couldnt be kept. Perhaps that is when I truly could focus on myself. Although Ive carried very low expectations for my marriage, there is actually some progress of late. I try to have acceptance, live and let live, and of course, journey forward ODAT.
But this is a good reminder that everyone goes at their own pace, regardless if they even live in the same household, and are working the same 12 Steps.