"This I learned in Al-Anon, that the man I married cannot be the source of my happiness or sorrow."
Todays reading explains that whatever my Alcoholic is feeling, I am not responsible and do not need to go there with him. It also reminds me that through my experience living alongside him, I should know this (bitter experience).
Todays Reminder: We must adjust ourselves to things as the are without inserting our will, expectations and control over anyone. This learning (through the principles of Al-Anon) can be so painful, but we have faith that it will bring us to the realization that our own life can be rich, full and serene despite what/who is going on around us.
"If thou attend to thyself and to God, thou wilt be little moved by what thou perceivest outside thee." - Thomas a Kempis
-------------
I was so pleased during an on-line meeting when the leader admitted that her AH had become her Higher Power. Whoa.... Thank God, I thought, that I am not the only idiot in the "room."
Shortly after I started Al-Anon, and looked closely at Step 2, I knew I had to focus on some other power greater than my AH, after-all, it was his behaviour that sent me there. I recognized that, despite his disease, I still counted on him to be my self-worth, my emotional balance, and my defender.
Even though 37 years of evidence had piled up to refute my beliefs, I still had this kind of crazy faith that he would 100% love, accept, bless and protect me. Yes! That is a wicked kind of crazy all on its own, but through the tumultuous years, I had to believe in something, right?!
Through the program, I have come to realize that my qualifier is simply human, and not capable of 100% anything. Add the disease of alcoholism to that, and his ability to monitor himself in order to care for me can hit very low levels indeed.
I have always had a Higher Power in my life, but one that was brought out only for major issues: illness, death, and the odd, hopefully purchased lottery ticket. When my husband had his most recent descent into addiction, I brought out God again and blamed Him. (How could He have let this happen?)
Blah....crazy, diseased thinking. I know now that I need to cultivate a personal connection with my Higher Power, look to Him/Her for the comfort and acceptance and wisdom I once expected from my husband. I need to allow my husband be human and separate.
Someone else in a meeting said, I must remember that expectations are planned resentments. So true. I cannot put the burden of my expectations (for love, care or emotional support) on anyone other than my HP. I know my friends want to help, and sometimes they do, but they are also human and share all the struggles I do that get in the way of being perfect for someone else.
So, again...today... I will concentrate on myself, my relationship with my HP (where I find 100% love and acceptance) and try to be little moved by what I perceive is going on around me.
Have a great Thursday, everyone and thank you for letting me share!
-- Edited by Bbrave on Wednesday 30th of June 2021 09:40:25 PM
-- Edited by Bbrave on Wednesday 30th of June 2021 09:45:52 PM
mamalioness said
Jun 30, 2021
fantastic post, Bbrave
yea, I floated around, aimlessly, confused, what/who is my HP and all that...the first SENSIBLE one was program...then it expanded from there, but it was not an easy path...I was Agnostic for so long with the doubts and questions, now I can honestly say that I am past that and its OK if I don't understand ALL there is about my HP...Hes there...and IF I can get quiet and go into the silence, I can connect and feel him
DavidG said
Jun 30, 2021
Great topic Bbrave... ...and hi y'all, Mama...
When I first went through these readings- and carried ODAT with me I had to read between the lines a fair bit.
Being the oldest kid in the family I had heard my mum's stories and narratives-around how I had come to be- and about her girlhood and youth.
I was extremely fortunate to have this baseline in my world- as I saw mum go down as the drinking got worse. In the rooms i saw a world that
was referenced very differently- for the first time. I learned, as I was told- to look at the similarities, and not the differences- and I did. Thankfully
I did not equate the nominal head of the household with the deity. So that was one hurdle less. ... but I did fell that all of my world was in the hands
of our higher power- one way or another.
Today I feel the the power I sought is best found in the present moment.
Instead of being locked up in the "what-ifs" and the "if-only's".
What a terrible horrible place to be!
If nothing else- in my remaining years I would want to try and demonstrate "the priceless gift of serenity" and to acknowledge that parts of the journey
are not undertaken alone:- neither now, or into the future.
Thanks.
Maresie888 said
Jul 1, 2021
BBrave
What a great reading to apply to the pandemic
Today one of my neighbors told me we still may be wearing masks in September
It certainly has been very hard going being an essential service worker. I have been working through the whole pandemic
I.am hoping to have some relief from that situation soon
As to regards the alcoholic. Most certainly I have to deal with them as they are. Therefore I have to set reasonable limits
I still most certainly have a fair amount of anxiety when dealing with an alcoholic
My.current goals are very small make it through this pandemic
I.am grateful to have made it this far.
July 4th is going to be a nightmare on the roads. However it is just one day. Next year I will be in a better place
When I came into this program I had to ask people to help me. I was completely broke
Now I ask no longer in that one down position .
I am certainly.grateful for that
I.most certainly have to adjust my expectations daily
However when I am dealing with a relationship where boundaries are an issue I have to ask myself do I.really want to engage in this?
When I got to this program. I was deeply deeply dependent on the alcoholic. I could not imagine living with him and I.coukd not imagine living without him.
I no longer have those enmeshed scenarios. I can opt out from those who are #boundaryless# stay in the same zone
I can take my leave on my own terms.
That is indeed a great freedom
There are many things I want to change and i.know I can today
Lyne said
Jul 1, 2021
Thank you for your service Bbrave and all the great ESH above. What I particularly relate to is the part in the reading about not letting anyone else be the source of my happiness or sorrow. That lesson took a few years to embrace--since I felt so horrible about myself, for most of my life I depended on others to define me. That was so painful for so many years. This program has taught me to rely on myself for self-definition, and with the Steps I have learned to look to me for feedback. Of course meetings and my sponsor help as well, but the reliance on sick people is nearly gone. Note I say "nearly"--Progress not perfection!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 1, 2021
Thank you Bbrave for a wonderful share, and the service to MIP!
I have done a lot of self-reflection with this program... when one "works it," that is just what happens because the goal is to take our focus off the Qualifier, and place it on ourselves. Sometimes a person isn't ready for that, and will do things to mitigate the answers they find. Other times, their minds are open and accepting, even if the "answers" are embarrassing or hard to bear. I have experienced both scenarios. I try and remember, Progress, Not Perfection.
Grateful for you all!
Daffodils said
Jul 1, 2021
Good Morning Everyone. Thanks Bbrave for your service/ESH and all the shares. I checked board as I was being placed under the dryer-saw "Attending to myself" and grinned "Sure am". I left in a rush this morning, cut prayer/meditation short to get to salon (been closed for 9 months). As stylist and I chatted, I was reminded, sanity not vanity is what matters most. It's the people I miss, not the service they provide. It's welcome me time . Listening to others helps me see that my problems are some people 's way of life. Grateful to check in with my MIP family and connect with HP. Have a fantastic day.
Freetime said
Jul 1, 2021
Thank you, Bbrave and everyone for sharing on this topic. I too used to be a card-carrying member of the "spouse/partner/person-I-am-infatuated-with is my Higher Power" club. I've learned to forgive myself for having that belief. It was part of the culture at the time I grew up, and just think about all the popular songs that were basically on the theme "oh, baby, I can't live without you."
I could detach from that old belief with anger or isolation -- but program is the only way I have been able to understand -- if imperfectly -- detachment with love. It's a daily exercise for me to keep my mind in that place, and to know that my higher power is much bigger, wider, more expansive than any one person -- and is there even when I cannot see it.
And, Daffodils, I too am having a self-care with hair-care day today. I hope we all have a great day.
SunnyFrogs said
Jul 1, 2021
Good afternoon.
Today's reading and all the ESH feels very soothing to me,like putting Calamine lotion on a bad case of poison ivy. It's exactly what I needed.
Have a good day everyone.
Maresie888 said
Jul 1, 2021
Bbrave
I.always very much struggle with these concepts
Being in a relationship is work. Therefore being in a place where I have no expectations is pretty difficult. I certainly have different expectations. However for me certain behaviors like gas lighting, raging and demanding behaviors are indeed flags
Flagging absolutely unacceptable behavior was indeed a great step for me. There were no unacceptable behaviors before
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 1st of July 2021 07:07:43 PM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 1st of July 2021 09:56:35 PM
"This I learned in Al-Anon, that the man I married cannot be the source of my happiness or sorrow."
Todays reading explains that whatever my Alcoholic is feeling, I am not responsible and do not need to go there with him. It also reminds me that through my experience living alongside him, I should know this (bitter experience).
Todays Reminder: We must adjust ourselves to things as the are without inserting our will, expectations and control over anyone. This learning (through the principles of Al-Anon) can be so painful, but we have faith that it will bring us to the realization that our own life can be rich, full and serene despite what/who is going on around us.
"If thou attend to thyself and to God, thou wilt be little moved by what thou perceivest outside thee." - Thomas a Kempis
-------------
I was so pleased during an on-line meeting when the leader admitted that her AH had become her Higher Power. Whoa.... Thank God, I thought, that I am not the only idiot in the "room."
Shortly after I started Al-Anon, and looked closely at Step 2, I knew I had to focus on some other power greater than my AH, after-all, it was his behaviour that sent me there. I recognized that, despite his disease, I still counted on him to be my self-worth, my emotional balance, and my defender.
Even though 37 years of evidence had piled up to refute my beliefs, I still had this kind of crazy faith that he would 100% love, accept, bless and protect me. Yes! That is a wicked kind of crazy all on its own, but through the tumultuous years, I had to believe in something, right?!
Through the program, I have come to realize that my qualifier is simply human, and not capable of 100% anything. Add the disease of alcoholism to that, and his ability to monitor himself in order to care for me can hit very low levels indeed.
I have always had a Higher Power in my life, but one that was brought out only for major issues: illness, death, and the odd, hopefully purchased lottery ticket. When my husband had his most recent descent into addiction, I brought out God again and blamed Him. (How could He have let this happen?)
Blah....crazy, diseased thinking. I know now that I need to cultivate a personal connection with my Higher Power, look to Him/Her for the comfort and acceptance and wisdom I once expected from my husband. I need to allow my husband be human and separate.
Someone else in a meeting said, I must remember that expectations are planned resentments. So true. I cannot put the burden of my expectations (for love, care or emotional support) on anyone other than my HP. I know my friends want to help, and sometimes they do, but they are also human and share all the struggles I do that get in the way of being perfect for someone else.
So, again...today... I will concentrate on myself, my relationship with my HP (where I find 100% love and acceptance) and try to be little moved by what I perceive is going on around me.
Have a great Thursday, everyone and thank you for letting me share!
-- Edited by Bbrave on Wednesday 30th of June 2021 09:40:25 PM
-- Edited by Bbrave on Wednesday 30th of June 2021 09:45:52 PM
yea, I floated around, aimlessly, confused, what/who is my HP and all that...the first SENSIBLE one was program...then it expanded from there, but it was not an easy path...I was Agnostic for so long with the doubts and questions, now I can honestly say that I am past that and its OK if I don't understand ALL there is about my HP...Hes there...and IF I can get quiet and go into the silence, I can connect and feel him
When I first went through these readings- and carried ODAT with me I had to read between the lines a fair bit.
Being the oldest kid in the family I had heard my mum's stories and narratives-around how I had come to be- and about her girlhood and youth.
I was extremely fortunate to have this baseline in my world- as I saw mum go down as the drinking got worse. In the rooms i saw a world that
was referenced very differently- for the first time. I learned, as I was told- to look at the similarities, and not the differences- and I did. Thankfully
I did not equate the nominal head of the household with the deity. So that was one hurdle less.
... but I did fell that all of my world was in the hands
of our higher power- one way or another.
Today I feel the the power I sought is best found in the present moment.
Instead of being locked up in the "what-ifs" and the "if-only's".
What a terrible horrible place to be!
If nothing else- in my remaining years I would want to try and demonstrate "the priceless gift of serenity" and to acknowledge that parts of the journey
are not undertaken alone:- neither now, or into the future.
BBrave
What a great reading to apply to the pandemic
Today one of my neighbors told me we still may be wearing masks in September
It certainly has been very hard going being an essential service worker. I have been working through the whole pandemic
I.am hoping to have some relief from that situation soon
As to regards the alcoholic. Most certainly I have to deal with them as they are. Therefore I have to set reasonable limits
I still most certainly have a fair amount of anxiety when dealing with an alcoholic
My.current goals are very small make it through this pandemic
I.am grateful to have made it this far.
July 4th is going to be a nightmare on the roads. However it is just one day. Next year I will be in a better place
When I came into this program I had to ask people to help me. I was completely broke
Now I ask no longer in that one down position .
I am certainly.grateful for that
I.most certainly have to adjust my expectations daily
However when I am dealing with a relationship where boundaries are an issue I have to ask myself do I.really want to engage in this?
When I got to this program. I was deeply deeply dependent on the alcoholic. I could not imagine living with him and I.coukd not imagine living without him.
I no longer have those enmeshed scenarios. I can opt out from those who are #boundaryless# stay in the same zone
I can take my leave on my own terms.
That is indeed a great freedom
There are many things I want to change and i.know I can today
I have done a lot of self-reflection with this program... when one "works it," that is just what happens because the goal is to take our focus off the Qualifier, and place it on ourselves. Sometimes a person isn't ready for that, and will do things to mitigate the answers they find. Other times, their minds are open and accepting, even if the "answers" are embarrassing or hard to bear. I have experienced both scenarios. I try and remember, Progress, Not Perfection.
Grateful for you all!
I could detach from that old belief with anger or isolation -- but program is the only way I have been able to understand -- if imperfectly -- detachment with love. It's a daily exercise for me to keep my mind in that place, and to know that my higher power is much bigger, wider, more expansive than any one person -- and is there even when I cannot see it.
And, Daffodils, I too am having a self-care with hair-care day today. I hope we all have a great day.
Today's reading and all the ESH feels very soothing to me,like putting Calamine lotion on a bad case of poison ivy. It's exactly what I needed.
Have a good day everyone.
Bbrave
I.always very much struggle with these concepts
Being in a relationship is work. Therefore being in a place where I have no expectations is pretty difficult. I certainly have different expectations. However for me certain behaviors like gas lighting, raging and demanding behaviors are indeed flags
Flagging absolutely unacceptable behavior was indeed a great step for me. There were no unacceptable behaviors before
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 1st of July 2021 07:07:43 PM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 1st of July 2021 09:56:35 PM