For those of you that have chosen to leave your relationship(for good,not temporarily),I would like some ESH on how you finally got to that place.

I'm considering it. I am not expecting or wanting advice,I am just curious how you got the strength to do it. How did you get to that place where you finally put yourself and your own happiness above anyone or anything else?

I have left before but felt so guilty and obligated I went back. If I do leave again I want it to be permanently,otherwise it's a waste of time and effort.

Thanks in advance

I re-married, but my first divorce came with absolutely no regrets.

The one BIG question that I answered NO to was if this person was not in my life

anymore, would it make a difference to me. 

Al-Anon teaches us, "when in doubt, don't."

-- Edited by Debb on Wednesday 16th of June 2021 04:04:53 PM

First off, (((((((((SunnyFrogs)))))))).

There, you needed a huge amount of hugs! I wish they could be more than just cyber hugs.

Secondly, I think it was a combination of doing a thorough Step 4 (my second) and going onto the Adult Children of Alcoholics site and reading about the long-term effects of living with an addicted person. That sealed the deal for me. I realized that the very thing I did 7 years ago (stay for my kid), was actually now hurting him! I wish I had that knowledge when my spouse completed the first rehab. I remind myself that as I learn more, I can make better choices... it helps ease the guilt I carry due to my choice then. I also remind myself that I was modeling how to give someone a second chance.

What I wouldn't do for myself, I mustered the courage to reach out for help so that I could have the strength to do it for my kid. My Step 4 work just helped me to realize that I couldn't live with (or accept I guess) living with the constant possibility of relapse - losing everything in your life,(but your life) twice, is extremely traumatic. I just knew I didn't have it in me to keep up that cycle. This realization didn't come right away, though.
I still struggle, b/c I did not marry the person my Ex has become. There was no warning signs. In other words, I did not choose this life. Deep down he is a good person. It is just his brain chemistry has been changed, so that he isn't a person I would choose today to be married to, so why continue the marriage?

Sending you support.

&

Hi Sunny Frogs,

For me it was a combination of realising that I was slowly accepting more and more unacceptable behaviour and the feeling of dread I got whenever I was on my way home.  I asked myself what was I getting from this 'relationship' and there was nothing positive.

I was tired of all the detaching to get some serenity and I just wanted a life that wasn't filled with treading on egg shells and importantly, space where I could work on me.

He was and is fully active and never sought recovery - would that have made a difference, I don't know.

The major crunch point was my children and the effects it was having on them.  They deserved more.  I deserved more.

Once it was done and we separated, I felt such a huge relief.  The path is not all plain sailing as I still have alot of work I need to do on me, but it was the right decision for us.

BT  (())

Making a plan b was very helpful for me. That was to look at all the things I would need if I left
.
That took the pressure of
That took the decision off the table for a while
That helped with the detachment
My resentment before then was corrosive
Maresie

Honestly,that's how I have felt and thought, what kind of marriage is this.

I know I have a long way to go to fully grasp and work this program. I know I have so much work I need to do on myself. 

I do my best to work this program,to detach,focus on myself, etc. But it's so extremely difficult in my current situation. As AH's disease progresses it's getting even more difficult.

-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Friday 18th of June 2021 09:48:42 AM

I have carried on thinking about this and another huge factor for me was the progression of his disease, as SF you have mentioned in your post.

I knew 'logically' that the disease would progress unless arrested, but it was only through actually living with it and through it that I truly experienced it getting worse.

The final wake-up call for me was when one day my AH didn't answer his phone (not an uncommon thing), but my 11 year old piped up 'perhaps he's dead' and I accepted that statement as if it was the most natural thing in the world for an 11 year old to say.   

I finally accepted his 'rock bottom' may be terminal alcoholism and eventual death - and realised I just didn't want and couldn't be a part of that journey.

(())

I have discovered through inventory that at one.point.the qualifier and others were most certainly helpful to me. Indeed they were very helpful and motivated

Then when the relationship got to a certain point they stopped being helpful
The qualifier could certainly be attentive responsive and appear to be committed. But that was when he wanted something. When I left him he most certainly knew how to yank me back in
However after diligently working on alanon issues I could let go

In addition the qualifier had a dog, a beagle. He totally abandoned his dog. Left him alone without food for days
I felt I had to step in and take the dog

It was bad enough what he did to me. When he graduated to neglecting his dog that was another piece
Needless to say I was in no state to take on this dog

So leaving was not easy. I certainly went backward wavered

Ironically enough it was the qualifier's uncle who helped immeasurably
The qualifier eventually went and imposed on this Uncle
This was a man who.was already taking care of a disabled brother,  that is as well as several step children. He was the sole whatever earner
The qualifier didn't hesitate to impose himself on him. Having a dog was an issue because the Uncle already had dog issues
So the qualifier simply palmed the dog off on me.

Impecunious would be an understatement.  He simply abandoned her. According to him the dog was the love of his life. Some love. He didn't hesitate to dump her off. Commitment wave curious concept to him. 

The qualifier is needless to say still out there
I am very grateful that al anon helped me to leave him.

I am also grateful that I gave his dog a very happy life for a number of years.

I continue to take inventory of issues related to that relationship

That relationship was and stil is a huge turning point in my recovery .
Maresie