In today's reading, the author reflects on the necessity of detachment, a topic that we tend to talk about a lot in Al-ANon.
One kind of detachment is detachment with love from those dealing with addictions. The author shares that many alcoholics need to "hit a bottom" and become uncomfortable before they become ready to make a change. For those who love alcoholics and others with addictions, we often must learn to get out of the way of this bottom, and detach with love.
Another kind of detachment is one where we learn to get out of the way of a loved one's success. For many of us, "helping" our loved ones actually is getting in their way and preventing them from the chance to accomplish something important on their own. Although our motives may be trying to help, the result can be that we communicate to our loved one a lack of respect for their own abilities. Detaching with love allows those we care about to experience their own satisfactions and disappointments.
Today's Reminder: I am learning the difference between help and interference. Today I will examine the way I offer support.
Today's Quote: "Detachment did not mean disinterest.... I considered detachment 'respect for another's personhood.'" ~ Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism
------------------------------------
Detachment. Such an important topic. I have been guilty of both these things - getting in the way of my AW hitting bottom, and trying to help where help was not required. My wife frequently will point out ways that I am communicating that I do not trust her to follow through on her commitments. (Household chores, picking something up from the store, paying a bill, etc.) In my mind, I am attempting open communication and offering help, but that rarely lands with her the way I intend.
Thanks to my Al-Anon work, I've found a way to ask her to contribute in ways that enhance, but are not critical. (Do I need to pick up something from the pharmacy by a certain time? I will not be asking her to do that. Are we out of milk? I will ask her to pick some up.) Part of my Al-Anon work is being honest with myself about my timelines and standards, and not expecting my wife to meet those things, as she has her own timelines and standards. Over time, I am learning to live my life in a way that works for me (including the frequency of litter pan cleaning - a task i HATE but needs to happen regularly, lol!). With practice, I am learning to detach from her choices around recovery, the consequences of relapse, and her generous timeline around household tasks. In so doing, I am better able to appreciate her contributions, and she has the satisfaction of owning the choices she makes and the things she accomplishes.
I hope everyone makes today a great day!
Debb said
Jun 16, 2021
Thank you Skorpi for your service and todays reading as well!!
Detachment has been a life saver for me!!
{{HUGS}}
Maresie888 said
Jun 16, 2021
Detachment is a huge life strategy for me. The better incan detach the less triggerd I am
Public holidays are pretty hard for me for many reasons
1) I usually work which means I get time and a half but that is just for one day. The holidays like July 4 are
a lot of days
2) I am triggered by the fact that some people go to familynoccasions on that day. I am certainly still hooked into that some families have it and I will never get it
It does not matter that in all my relationships the family holidays were a real huge issue. And no I neve really learned how to take care of myself around them
3) I am trying to focus on my goals but I don't seem to have reaction. They seem further away then ever .
So detachment is needed. July 4th is almost upon us. It has the me a lifetime to deal with holidays. I am still not getting very far
In addition as you know July 4 is a holiday.
Holidays are really hard for alcoholics. Alcoholics are everywhere. Their behavior around holidays is very hard to deal with.
Daffodils said
Jun 16, 2021
Good Day All. Thank you Skorpi for your service/ESH and above shares. Detaching has reduced the chaos I create or add when I pitch and help without being asked. Have a fantastic day.
SunnyFrogs said
Jun 16, 2021
Good afternoon.
Thanks for all the shares and the reminder to detach .
DavidG said
Jun 16, 2021
Words, words, words... Thanks Skorpi... ...
Live and let live, I think is the slogan I used. Help vis a vis interference- yes. I cottoned on by thinking -caretaking- or ~caregiving~.
Our father got sober the day he died. He was never going to change.
In his late old age he reminded me that his stepfather was an alcoholic. My dad was never able to change or adapt.
I had this vision of future generations- being able to get free eventually of the family disease.
Hello MIP!
In today's reading, the author reflects on the necessity of detachment, a topic that we tend to talk about a lot in Al-ANon.
One kind of detachment is detachment with love from those dealing with addictions. The author shares that many alcoholics need to "hit a bottom" and become uncomfortable before they become ready to make a change. For those who love alcoholics and others with addictions, we often must learn to get out of the way of this bottom, and detach with love.
Another kind of detachment is one where we learn to get out of the way of a loved one's success. For many of us, "helping" our loved ones actually is getting in their way and preventing them from the chance to accomplish something important on their own. Although our motives may be trying to help, the result can be that we communicate to our loved one a lack of respect for their own abilities. Detaching with love allows those we care about to experience their own satisfactions and disappointments.
Today's Reminder: I am learning the difference between help and interference. Today I will examine the way I offer support.
Today's Quote: "Detachment did not mean disinterest.... I considered detachment 'respect for another's personhood.'" ~ Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism
------------------------------------
Detachment. Such an important topic. I have been guilty of both these things - getting in the way of my AW hitting bottom, and trying to help where help was not required. My wife frequently will point out ways that I am communicating that I do not trust her to follow through on her commitments. (Household chores, picking something up from the store, paying a bill, etc.) In my mind, I am attempting open communication and offering help, but that rarely lands with her the way I intend.
Thanks to my Al-Anon work, I've found a way to ask her to contribute in ways that enhance, but are not critical. (Do I need to pick up something from the pharmacy by a certain time? I will not be asking her to do that. Are we out of milk? I will ask her to pick some up.) Part of my Al-Anon work is being honest with myself about my timelines and standards, and not expecting my wife to meet those things, as she has her own timelines and standards. Over time, I am learning to live my life in a way that works for me (including the frequency of litter pan cleaning - a task i HATE but needs to happen regularly, lol!). With practice, I am learning to detach from her choices around recovery, the consequences of relapse, and her generous timeline around household tasks. In so doing, I am better able to appreciate her contributions, and she has the satisfaction of owning the choices she makes and the things she accomplishes.
I hope everyone makes today a great day!
Detachment has been a life saver for me!!
{{HUGS}}
Public holidays are pretty hard for me for many reasons
1) I usually work which means I get time and a half but that is just for one day. The holidays like July 4 are
a lot of days
2) I am triggered by the fact that some people go to familynoccasions on that day. I am certainly still hooked into that some families have it and I will never get it
It does not matter that in all my relationships the family holidays were a real huge issue. And no I neve really learned how to take care of myself around them
3) I am trying to focus on my goals but I don't seem to have reaction. They seem further away then ever .
So detachment is needed. July 4th is almost upon us. It has the me a lifetime to deal with holidays. I am still not getting very far
In addition as you know July 4 is a holiday.
Holidays are really hard for alcoholics. Alcoholics are everywhere. Their behavior around holidays is very hard to deal with.
Thanks for all the shares and the reminder to detach .
Words, words, words...
Thanks Skorpi... 
...
Live and let live, I think is the slogan I used. Help vis a vis interference- yes. I cottoned on by thinking -caretaking- or ~caregiving~.
Our father got sober the day he died. He was never going to change.
In his late old age he reminded me that his stepfather was an alcoholic. My dad was never able to change or adapt.
I had this vision of future generations- being able to get free eventually of the family disease.
At least having an even chance.
Thanks.
...