I've spent a lot of time with my husband but we've just been married 2 weeks. I have been reading some posts and this scares me but I never thought about this. Sometimes he can seem like he's doing things for me but I question if he really wants something in return. And if I don't always do some things I get some snide remark. He always wants attention and is very insecure I would think. So he needs the attention.
It really bothers me that he could have this problem too along with his addiction. I don't know how to deal with it.
JerryF said
Jun 15, 2021
Aloha Catlover and welcome to the board...Narsicism I leave to my therapist as I am not qualified to call it what I think it is. I do know the language and some of the psychiatric titles however even as a behavioral hedalthy therapist myself I will send a client or program fellow or friend to a professional. I could make a situation worse by attempting what I should not. I believe that couples therapy works well when both are willing to participate. How are your meetings going?
DavidG said
Jun 15, 2021
Hi Catlover... ...I live in New Zealand. Over here we hardly ever hear about narcissism.
It is a word that is used a lot in the USA... ...as far as I can see.
Your share comes at a time- when you have made a major change in your life.
Your thinking, and acting- as a result of sharing here- may have a major impact on your future, and your happiness.
In Alanon we are taught- to offer opinions when we are asked for them. But NOT to give advice.
This is very hard for family members to do! ... mostly we have done a heap of things to help others.
Almost like it is in our DNA!
Since you have become a member of this group- my opinion is- if you need to- to slowly unpack your thoughts and feelings.
Gently... "Easy Does it" is one of our slogans.
One day at a time.
I hear you, ma'am... ...
Maresie888 said
Jun 15, 2021
Dr Ramani on You tube is an excellent source on narcissism
I believe her descriptions are really comprehensive
Maresie
Enigmatic said
Jun 16, 2021
Hi cat...
The short answer is: you don't, not definitively; the good news is you don't need to. The term is defined differently by different entities, and we will never truly 'know' what is going on in someone else's head...
Every human at some time demonstrates selfish behavior, and just about every other behavior type there is. In Alanon, I realized that I demonstrated all kinds of unhealthy behavior as I tried to control the behavior of the alcoholic in my life.
I benefited greatly from Alanon's suggestion to focus less on trying to figure out, label or 'adjust' others and more on why I felt the way I did and what I would do to assess my own behavior, thoughts and actions. Ultimately, how I decide to perceive the situation and how I handle it will determine the level of my felt sanity and Serenity.
Glad you're here
Bbrave said
Jun 16, 2021
Hi Catlover,
I think most people are on that scale...we are all self-centred to a degree. My qualifier has said a few things recently that have helped me see his thinking from an alcoholic point of view:
I want other people to be happy so that they will leave me alone and let me do what I want.
Treat me special and I feel normal - treat me normal and I feel disrespected.
Alcoholics are self-loathing egomaniacs.
An Alcoholic is like a normal person, except more so!
Although he is trying to change his behaviours, these statements help me understand where he is coming from, and explain a lot of what has gone on in our relationship.
Maresie888 said
Jun 16, 2021
Actually I think narcissists particularly malignant narcissists require a different approach
I don't have the ability to be callous and calculated.
My former room mate is most definitely a narcissist. Give him an opportunity and he will attack. He gets something out of bullying
I am certainly aware other people have their opinions.
I don't have the luxury of an opinion anymore. I have to protect myself. Around narcissists I need a particular set of boundaries.
I have found dr ramani extremely helpful in procesing what happened in certain relationships.
Maresie
Enigmatic said
Jun 18, 2021
When it comes to illness and character defects, Alanon suggests that non-alcoholics are no 'better' than alcoholics regardless of their characteristics, and at times exhibit behavior every bit as 'insane' as the alcoholic...including selfishness (see Steps 1 & 2).
We do not have the power, insight or knowledge to judge others or assign certain characteristics to an entire group of people, for each one is different, each person is different.
Alanon suggests that recovery and Serenity is not attained by cataloguing and focusing on others' defects, but in learning to identify and change our own perspectives, tendencies and defects...'Let it Begin With Me'.
We come to Alanon often thinking that our problem is the alcoholic and their behaviors...if we're lucky enough, we keep coming back long enough to realize the bigger problem lies within ourselves.
I've spent a lot of time with my husband but we've just been married 2 weeks. I have been reading some posts and this scares me but I never thought about this. Sometimes he can seem like he's doing things for me but I question if he really wants something in return. And if I don't always do some things I get some snide remark. He always wants attention and is very insecure I would think. So he needs the attention.
It really bothers me that he could have this problem too along with his addiction. I don't know how to deal with it.
Aloha Catlover and welcome to the board...Narsicism I leave to my therapist as I am not qualified to call it what I think it is. I do know the language and some of the psychiatric titles however even as a behavioral hedalthy therapist myself I will send a client or program fellow or friend to a professional. I could make a situation worse by attempting what I should not. I believe that couples therapy works well when both are willing to participate. How are your meetings going?
It is a word that is used a lot in the USA... ...as far as I can see.
Your share comes at a time- when you have made a major change in your life.
Your thinking, and acting- as a result of sharing here- may have a major impact on your future, and your happiness.
In Alanon we are taught- to offer opinions when we are asked for them. But NOT to give advice.
This is very hard for family members to do!
... mostly we have done a heap of things to help others.
Almost like it is in our DNA!
Since you have become a member of this group- my opinion is- if you need to- to slowly unpack your thoughts and feelings.
Gently... "Easy Does it" is one of our slogans.
One day at a time.
I hear you, ma'am...
...
I believe her descriptions are really comprehensive
Maresie
The short answer is: you don't, not definitively; the good news is you don't need to. The term is defined differently by different entities, and we will never truly 'know' what is going on in someone else's head...
Every human at some time demonstrates selfish behavior, and just about every other behavior type there is. In Alanon, I realized that I demonstrated all kinds of unhealthy behavior as I tried to control the behavior of the alcoholic in my life.
I benefited greatly from Alanon's suggestion to focus less on trying to figure out, label or 'adjust' others and more on why I felt the way I did and what I would do to assess my own behavior, thoughts and actions. Ultimately, how I decide to perceive the situation and how I handle it will determine the level of my felt sanity and Serenity.
Glad you're here
Hi Catlover,
I think most people are on that scale...we are all self-centred to a degree. My qualifier has said a few things recently that have helped me see his thinking from an alcoholic point of view:
I want other people to be happy so that they will leave me alone and let me do what I want.
Treat me special and I feel normal - treat me normal and I feel disrespected.
Alcoholics are self-loathing egomaniacs.
An Alcoholic is like a normal person, except more so!
Although he is trying to change his behaviours, these statements help me understand where he is coming from, and explain a lot of what has gone on in our relationship.
I don't have the ability to be callous and calculated.
My former room mate is most definitely a narcissist. Give him an opportunity and he will attack. He gets something out of bullying
I am certainly aware other people have their opinions.
I don't have the luxury of an opinion anymore. I have to protect myself. Around narcissists I need a particular set of boundaries.
I have found dr ramani extremely helpful in procesing what happened in certain relationships.
Maresie
We do not have the power, insight or knowledge to judge others or assign certain characteristics to an entire group of people, for each one is different, each person is different.
Alanon suggests that recovery and Serenity is not attained by cataloguing and focusing on others' defects, but in learning to identify and change our own perspectives, tendencies and defects...'Let it Begin With Me'.
We come to Alanon often thinking that our problem is the alcoholic and their behaviors...if we're lucky enough, we keep coming back long enough to realize the bigger problem lies within ourselves.
Grateful for the wisdom of the program