I wonder if there is a way to reduce the amount of email/texting contact I have with my ex. We live in the same house (for 2 more months) and have 2 kids so I understand it isn't possible to cut him off entirely. But I wish there was a way to reduce it.
I feel like things are hitting a new level of low for him, which suggests to me that he's getting more worked up than ever that I am not allowing his alcoholism into my life. (Our anniversary would have been earlier this month and I think he felt that very acutely.) Today's missive struck a particularly low blow. We aren't from the same racial background and today's missive was about how I don't deserve my job; that I got it bc of my race. Um ... well, that's a new one (for him).
He also railed at me for divorcing him over a parking violation, called me a few additional names, etc... We've already fought a billion times over that "parking violation" (driving through a crowd of elementary school kids at 8am with a BAC of over .3) and I figured that by filing for divorce I officially no longer have to have that discussion with him. So I say nothing, picture myself quietly rowing a boat away from him with an oar that is 50 feet long and getting longer.
****
As aggravating as this is, I haven't felt any conflict inside about being hurt by his words because all of it is about as accurate as him accusing me of going to Mars and bringing back a ray gun. I feel aggravated bc I can do nothing with my frustration that I can keep getting these emails except keep packing boxes for my eventual move out of the house.
I WISH there was a way to say "I only plan to read emails that involve mechanical issues about the children. Otherwise don't bother tying". But I don't think there is.
Has anyone here had experience with this? If so, what did you do?
-- Edited by Fedora on Friday 11th of June 2021 03:37:49 PM
Debb said
Jun 11, 2021
{{Fedora}} I did have a very ugly divorce from someone who would not let go.
It took me 3 1/2 years to get this man and his nasty mouth out of my life.
I too, had two young children, so I can partly relate, partly because he was
out of the house as soon as I filed. I refused to respond to his nastiness
directly. If he wanted to relay anything he had to do it through the attorneys.
That cost money, so the cost was a deterrent to his barrage.
I stayed as quiet as possible, because he wanted more fuel to make me look
bad. What essentially happened was the judge was so disgusted with him by
the time the divorce was granted, that he gave me the whole house and no
visitation.
-- Edited by Debb on Friday 11th of June 2021 05:41:46 PM
Iamhere said
Jun 11, 2021
So sorry Fedora for what you're experiencing. I'm one to try and find the good and one observation - only 2 more months....you're on the downhill side of 'this' even if it doesn't feel that way. When mine are active in this disease, I use filters in my email and have been known to block/reject calls & texts. We always have choices even if/when we think we do not.
You have every right to consider a boundary regarding communications. You have every right to consider other boundaries as you continue through the court process and separate homes. The good news is as you explore this next chapter, you will continue to grow and change and discover what you want and need to have a healthy life, house and home.
My experience is the closer the 'date' came, the more the disease raised up. I did all that I could to detach from the insanity, keeping in mind that soon, change would arrive. Hang in there - you got this!
Bettertomorrow said
Jun 12, 2021
I am sorry Fedora for what you are going through.
I don't know what your husband is wanting regarding your children, but in my case as I continued to ignore my AHs frantic efforts at re-engaging me in co-dependency, I found that his actual level of interest in wanting to have anything to do with the children waned considerably. To him, the children were just another tool to use to try and manipulate me into getting back on the merry go round and when I refused to do that he then wanted very little to do with the children and is off looking for his next enabler.
He hasn't paid any child support - that is another story, but that is the main bit I am doing through legal channels.
I found that keeping strong boundaries in place worked well. I refused to read emails, but said that if there was a something which needed to be discussed regarding the children then we would talk by phone, but if at any point during the call my boundaries were being violated, I politely ended the call. Over time the contact has now got less and less, because he is still fully active in drinking that means that for him the children and their needs are of course completely secondary to him continuing his addiction.
Two months may seem like a lifetime from where you are now, but it is also close and I love your vision of rowing away towards your new life.
BT x
Lyne said
Jun 12, 2021
{{{Fedora}}} Sounds like a tough time for sure. Divorced my first A when my son was 9 and it can be a nightmare. I like the boundaries BT wrote about above. Phone call for child issues otherwise, no reading of texts or emails. And with the phone boundary, you can hang up anytime you wish. Keep it Simple as best you can, ODAT.
I wonder if there is a way to reduce the amount of email/texting contact I have with my ex. We live in the same house (for 2 more months) and have 2 kids so I understand it isn't possible to cut him off entirely. But I wish there was a way to reduce it.
I feel like things are hitting a new level of low for him, which suggests to me that he's getting more worked up than ever that I am not allowing his alcoholism into my life. (Our anniversary would have been earlier this month and I think he felt that very acutely.) Today's missive struck a particularly low blow. We aren't from the same racial background and today's missive was about how I don't deserve my job; that I got it bc of my race. Um ... well, that's a new one (for him).
He also railed at me for divorcing him over a parking violation, called me a few additional names, etc... We've already fought a billion times over that "parking violation" (driving through a crowd of elementary school kids at 8am with a BAC of over .3) and I figured that by filing for divorce I officially no longer have to have that discussion with him. So I say nothing, picture myself quietly rowing a boat away from him with an oar that is 50 feet long and getting longer.
****
As aggravating as this is, I haven't felt any conflict inside about being hurt by his words because all of it is about as accurate as him accusing me of going to Mars and bringing back a ray gun. I feel aggravated bc I can do nothing with my frustration that I can keep getting these emails except keep packing boxes for my eventual move out of the house.
I WISH there was a way to say "I only plan to read emails that involve mechanical issues about the children. Otherwise don't bother tying". But I don't think there is.
Has anyone here had experience with this? If so, what did you do?
-- Edited by Fedora on Friday 11th of June 2021 03:37:49 PM
{{Fedora}} I did have a very ugly divorce from someone who would not let go.
It took me 3 1/2 years to get this man and his nasty mouth out of my life.
I too, had two young children, so I can partly relate, partly because he was
out of the house as soon as I filed. I refused to respond to his nastiness
directly. If he wanted to relay anything he had to do it through the attorneys.
That cost money, so the cost was a deterrent to his barrage.
I stayed as quiet as possible, because he wanted more fuel to make me look
bad. What essentially happened was the judge was so disgusted with him by
the time the divorce was granted, that he gave me the whole house and no
visitation.
-- Edited by Debb on Friday 11th of June 2021 05:41:46 PM
You have every right to consider a boundary regarding communications. You have every right to consider other boundaries as you continue through the court process and separate homes. The good news is as you explore this next chapter, you will continue to grow and change and discover what you want and need to have a healthy life, house and home.
My experience is the closer the 'date' came, the more the disease raised up. I did all that I could to detach from the insanity, keeping in mind that soon, change would arrive. Hang in there - you got this!
I am sorry Fedora for what you are going through.
I don't know what your husband is wanting regarding your children, but in my case as I continued to ignore my AHs frantic efforts at re-engaging me in co-dependency, I found that his actual level of interest in wanting to have anything to do with the children waned considerably. To him, the children were just another tool to use to try and manipulate me into getting back on the merry go round and when I refused to do that he then wanted very little to do with the children and is off looking for his next enabler.
He hasn't paid any child support - that is another story, but that is the main bit I am doing through legal channels.
I found that keeping strong boundaries in place worked well. I refused to read emails, but said that if there was a something which needed to be discussed regarding the children then we would talk by phone, but if at any point during the call my boundaries were being violated, I politely ended the call. Over time the contact has now got less and less, because he is still fully active in drinking that means that for him the children and their needs are of course completely secondary to him continuing his addiction.
Two months may seem like a lifetime from where you are now, but it is also close and I love your vision of rowing away towards your new life.
BT x