Today's reading asks the question, if the Ninth Step says we need not make direct amends to someone we have harmed "if to do so would injure them or others," -- then how do we decide what kind of amends to make, and when? Today's author says that if they are willing to make amends, then higher power will let them know what to do and when that opportunity arises.
The author was finally willing to make amends for having distanced themselves from someone in their family -- and one day during a visit, the family member took the lead and opened up to them, and the author became closer to this person. That was their amends.
Today's reminder: My higher power does not put any challenge before me that I am unable to face. The comfort I find in that knowledge can overcome my fears.
Quote from John Burroughs: "The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.."
----------------
I am grateful that our program does not dictate what our amends must look like, and recognizes that there are situations where direct amends -- like a verbal or written apology -- might not be appropriate, or even possible.
The most important amends I have had to make are to someone who has already died, and to people where I think "apologizing" to them would bring up more problems than it would solve. What I have done, in all these cases, has been simply to change my thinking and then change how I behave in relation to those people. I have not announced my amends to anyone except my sponsor. But I have changed my behavior by not speaking ill of these people -- and to do that I had to change my thinking about them, to have some empathy for them.
There is one relative that I really resented, who took up a lot of space in my head. I tried my best to avoid them, and never reached out to them, not even to send a Christmas card. If they sent me cards on my birthday -- which they did -- I threw the cards away. That's how big my resentment was, and it was for very small reasons. I've decided that this year, I am sending them a Christmas card. This might not seem like a big deal -- but it is a huge deal to me, and it is part of my amends. I might even send them a card on their birthday next year -- but, one step at a time!
MIP friends, what has been your experience in making amends?
Debb said
Jun 11, 2021
Thank FT for todays reading, your service and ESH shared.
Yeah, until I understood how to make amends, I did struggle with how to approach them with certain people in my life.
There was one person that I discovered had passed away and sent my apologies via HP, but there was my AH and I was
able to accomplish my amends via loving detachment. A close family member comes to mind and I was able to make
amends via loving detachment as well. I definitely feel that the 9th Step helped me to ease the weight of resentment
and was able to accomplish those amends in a compassionate way.
Got to get my cat to the vet this morning, think he has an ear infection. Think he has allergies, seems every spring
we make a trip to the vet for his ears!
Wishing the MIP Family a peaceful day today!!
Daffodils said
Jun 11, 2021
Good Morning Freetime. Thank you for your service/ESH. I have not formally worked Step 9, however, the pandemic expedited a critical one. I have changed my behaviour towards my (step)Mom. For decades I have resented her and focused on her defects. Truth is, she was an excellent role model. Her crime? Corporal punishment as the mode of discipline for a spoiled brat (me) . After my father died, I distanced myself from her. I blamed her for bad decisions I made as an adult. I did not reach out to her when I suffered a violent trauma opting to become a lone wolf. I blamed her for my pain and loneliness. She never stopped reaching out. She asked for forgiveness, and shared that I am always first on her agenda in prayer. The pandemic happened just as I was introduced to Al-Anon and my heart shifted. We connect weekly and share stories about my father. Recently she touched on the loss of my mother (died when I was 6). She has brought me great comfort when I am at a loss in my current circumstances . I don't throw the past in her face. Any residue from the "abuse", I share with my sponsor and safe ears. In listening to shares, I have realized that my life was pretty damned good. As an adult, I still process some things through a child's eye. As I grow (up), I hope to cease speaking ill of her and focus on the dynamic woman she is. Thank you . When others share, I learn lessons about myself. Have a splendid day.
mamalioness said
Jun 11, 2021
Thank you FT for your service and your great share
There is only one person I have not reached out to as far as sorting things out and that is this one oldest brother who fantasizes on how he wants to murder me for coming forward about the abuse and he is dead serious about wanting to kill me to the point where when he drove through Texas to see mine now deceased sister, I had to call the police and tell them point-blank if he shows up at my door and tries to kick it down like he had done in the past to me , I am going to shoot and shoot to kill and they supported me on it and asked me when about was he coming through town. I told them win and they did drive-bys and did a good job but he never showed up because I had warned my sister that I was prepared to defend myself and my property and that her older brother must pass me by because I was prepared to use deadly force
To try and make amends with someone who mirrors my offender, would be unsafe for me so I just prayed to my higher power who knows the situation and I just said that I couldnt think of anything I had done to this man except to expose his father for the monster that he was when I got into recovery and that my amends would be to continue my program and I have not had any promptings from my HP to do anything else
My biggest amends word to me and to my higher power for cussing him out for my horrible life. The two biggest people on my list were myself and my higher power and so I am making amends to the ones I hurt the most and those were my self and my higher power. Its funny how many people forget to list them selves but I did not when I worked step for I noticed how badly I treated myself especially when I am not paying attention and how badly I treated my higher power for all the hardship and hardscrabble life Ive had to live. As I give up the resentments and bitterness as I notice my energy is a lot better and Im drawing better good to me
Lyne said
Jun 11, 2021
Thank you FT for your service and for all the wonderful shares above. Making amends is a complicated topic and there is no one right way to handle it. Along my journey in program I have made amends to a number of people I feel I harmed, including my son and my A. Early on this is something Betty helped me with, and she made sure I put myself on the list which was foreign to me as an idea. These days it is easy for me to make amends as quickly as it comes up. What I have also learned from our program is that this process helps me not to hold onto negative thoughts and energy around others. It's a behavior that enabls me more serenity and self-worth, because it is not an activity I take lightly. But afterwards, I am proud of myself and feel lighter--another piece of my heavy emotional load is lifted. And that is nothing but good!
mamalioness said
Jun 11, 2021
Dear Lyne. It was Betty who asked me when I was making amends did I put myself on there? And I was like huh? Me? And she said yes the way you talk to yourself the way you criticize yourself when you make a mistake. Dont you think you deserve an amend? And I thought about it and I just thought oh my goodness!
And I had to do a lot of self talk apologizing to my inner child and not just apologizing to the inner child but working on positive self talk and giving myself a pat on the back when I do something good. And just changing my treatment towards me because an amend, she taught me, isnt just saying hey Im sorry and you keep doing the same thing over and over, and amend means changing the negative behavior to positive. Oh yeah I owe her 1 million thank yous. So I just try to share all the beautiful things shes taught me and help others with it. She lives on in my heart and when I help someone and its some thing she taught me, its sort of my way of keeping her alive
Freetime said
Jun 11, 2021
Thank you, all, who have shared-- and thanks to Lyne and Mamalioness for the reminder about making amends to myself. I believe this is key to the whole amends process.
I'm not yet at this step on my current go-round, and I am sure my sponsor will remind me of this important amends. But your shares helped me today, and I began thinking of saying my amends to myself for having put myself in some dangerous or painful situations -- and acknowledging to myself that what I did was based on my limited knowledge at the time. Today I know better, and will do better.
Iamhere said
Jun 11, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares & ESH. For me, this step and several others were ineffective without guidance from my sponsor. She helped me assess how best to make amends to all on my list(s) as well as myself. She helped me identify those that might cause more harm than good as well as how to best make living amends as necessary.
I truly appreciate the reminder - we're not given more than we can handle. Each time I work these steps, I find more/other events or situations to explore. It's not that I intentionally left them to the side; instead, I believe more was revealed by my HP when I was ready to see/address/consider change. What's most important about this step for me is that I'm taking responsibility for my choices and my actions. The more I understand what within me makes me 'tick', the better I can refine that to become a better version of me and not repeat unhealthy behavior.
Happy Friday all - we've been having tons of heat and then we had damaging storms here. It's been a strange weather day! I'm grateful we golfed this morning and had a laugh out loud moment at myself -- I can tell the exact and only spot I missed when putting on sunscreen....it's a red 'stripe' on my neck and looks extremely strange!!
Maresie888 said
Jun 11, 2021
I am here
There are some euphemisms that I find pretty hard to digest
I certainly have been given more than I can handle all my life
Being sexually abused
Being seriously sick with physical illness as a child
Being a domestic violence survivor
Being poor very very very poor and a child
Being neglected
Being assaulted
I.most certainly have more resources these days. Nevertheless the pandemic was certainly more than I coukd handle
Being an essential worker is also far more than I can handle.
I would love to stay home. However last time I was unemployed the state terminated the program. Thereafter I had to scramble to find work. So I elected to keep working. That is still more than I can handle
I do most certainly find a great deal of solace in some of the
Program euphemisms
I have had more than I could handle day one and that has not changed at all
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 12th of June 2021 12:42:34 AM
SunnyFrogs said
Jun 11, 2021
Good evening everyone.
I haven't worked the step yet but thanks for all your shares.
I have to say though,reading about making amends to myself has me crying right now and I'm not sure why. It has touched me in some way and I need to explore that.
Have a good night.
Freetime said
Jun 11, 2021
I too had to disagree when I heard the saying that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I certainly experienced things I could not handle.
But with my Al-Anon experience, I have decided to reframe that to: I was given more than I could handle alone -- but with the help of others, I can handle difficult things and can handle the residue of things that happened in the past.
Iamhere said
Jun 12, 2021
While we all have different views, personal experiences, etc. one of the better suggestions in Al-Anon is avoiding cross-talk.
I would appreciate not being directly challenged for my personal experience and views.
Each of us has the right to share openly, safely and freely and debating or refuting another person's experience, strength and hope creates an unsafe environment.
Cross Talk has not been 'defined' formally by Al-Anon World Services, it's left up to each group to do so. No matter what your thoughts are about cross talk, refuting my post directly makes me uncomfortable. I won't speak for anyone else, but challenging me or my experience makes MIP feel less safe.
Today's reading asks the question, if the Ninth Step says we need not make direct amends to someone we have harmed "if to do so would injure them or others," -- then how do we decide what kind of amends to make, and when? Today's author says that if they are willing to make amends, then higher power will let them know what to do and when that opportunity arises.
The author was finally willing to make amends for having distanced themselves from someone in their family -- and one day during a visit, the family member took the lead and opened up to them, and the author became closer to this person. That was their amends.
Today's reminder: My higher power does not put any challenge before me that I am unable to face. The comfort I find in that knowledge can overcome my fears.
Quote from John Burroughs: "The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.."
----------------
I am grateful that our program does not dictate what our amends must look like, and recognizes that there are situations where direct amends -- like a verbal or written apology -- might not be appropriate, or even possible.
The most important amends I have had to make are to someone who has already died, and to people where I think "apologizing" to them would bring up more problems than it would solve. What I have done, in all these cases, has been simply to change my thinking and then change how I behave in relation to those people. I have not announced my amends to anyone except my sponsor. But I have changed my behavior by not speaking ill of these people -- and to do that I had to change my thinking about them, to have some empathy for them.
There is one relative that I really resented, who took up a lot of space in my head. I tried my best to avoid them, and never reached out to them, not even to send a Christmas card. If they sent me cards on my birthday -- which they did -- I threw the cards away. That's how big my resentment was, and it was for very small reasons. I've decided that this year, I am sending them a Christmas card. This might not seem like a big deal -- but it is a huge deal to me, and it is part of my amends. I might even send them a card on their birthday next year -- but, one step at a time!
MIP friends, what has been your experience in making amends?
Yeah, until I understood how to make amends, I did struggle with how to approach them with certain people in my life.
There was one person that I discovered had passed away and sent my apologies via HP, but there was my AH and I was
able to accomplish my amends via loving detachment. A close family member comes to mind and I was able to make
amends via loving detachment as well. I definitely feel that the 9th Step helped me to ease the weight of resentment
and was able to accomplish those amends in a compassionate way.
Got to get my cat to the vet this morning, think he has an ear infection. Think he has allergies, seems every spring
we make a trip to the vet for his ears!
Wishing the MIP Family a peaceful day today!!
There is only one person I have not reached out to as far as sorting things out and that is this one oldest brother who fantasizes on how he wants to murder me for coming forward about the abuse and he is dead serious about wanting to kill me to the point where when he drove through Texas to see mine now deceased sister, I had to call the police and tell them point-blank if he shows up at my door and tries to kick it down like he had done in the past to me , I am going to shoot and shoot to kill and they supported me on it and asked me when about was he coming through town. I told them win and they did drive-bys and did a good job but he never showed up because I had warned my sister that I was prepared to defend myself and my property and that her older brother must pass me by because I was prepared to use deadly force
To try and make amends with someone who mirrors my offender, would be unsafe for me so I just prayed to my higher power who knows the situation and I just said that I couldnt think of anything I had done to this man except to expose his father for the monster that he was when I got into recovery and that my amends would be to continue my program and I have not had any promptings from my HP to do anything else
My biggest amends word to me and to my higher power for cussing him out for my horrible life. The two biggest people on my list were myself and my higher power and so I am making amends to the ones I hurt the most and those were my self and my higher power. Its funny how many people forget to list them selves but I did not when I worked step for I noticed how badly I treated myself especially when I am not paying attention and how badly I treated my higher power for all the hardship and hardscrabble life Ive had to live. As I give up the resentments and bitterness as I notice my energy is a lot better and Im drawing better good to me
And I had to do a lot of self talk apologizing to my inner child and not just apologizing to the inner child but working on positive self talk and giving myself a pat on the back when I do something good. And just changing my treatment towards me because an amend, she taught me, isnt just saying hey Im sorry and you keep doing the same thing over and over, and amend means changing the negative behavior to positive. Oh yeah I owe her 1 million thank yous. So I just try to share all the beautiful things shes taught me and help others with it. She lives on in my heart and when I help someone and its some thing she taught me, its sort of my way of keeping her alive
I'm not yet at this step on my current go-round, and I am sure my sponsor will remind me of this important amends. But your shares helped me today, and I began thinking of saying my amends to myself for having put myself in some dangerous or painful situations -- and acknowledging to myself that what I did was based on my limited knowledge at the time. Today I know better, and will do better.
I truly appreciate the reminder - we're not given more than we can handle. Each time I work these steps, I find more/other events or situations to explore. It's not that I intentionally left them to the side; instead, I believe more was revealed by my HP when I was ready to see/address/consider change. What's most important about this step for me is that I'm taking responsibility for my choices and my actions. The more I understand what within me makes me 'tick', the better I can refine that to become a better version of me and not repeat unhealthy behavior.
Happy Friday all - we've been having tons of heat and then we had damaging storms here. It's been a strange weather day! I'm grateful we golfed this morning and had a laugh out loud moment at myself -- I can tell the exact and only spot I missed when putting on sunscreen....it's a red 'stripe' on my neck and looks extremely strange!!
I am here
There are some euphemisms that I find pretty hard to digest
I certainly have been given more than I can handle all my life
Being sexually abused
Being seriously sick with physical illness as a child
Being a domestic violence survivor
Being poor very very very poor and a child
Being neglected
Being assaulted
I.most certainly have more resources these days. Nevertheless the pandemic was certainly more than I coukd handle
Being an essential worker is also far more than I can handle.
I would love to stay home. However last time I was unemployed the state terminated the program. Thereafter I had to scramble to find work. So I elected to keep working. That is still more than I can handle
I do most certainly find a great deal of solace in some of the
Program euphemisms
I have had more than I could handle day one and that has not changed at all
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 12th of June 2021 12:42:34 AM
I haven't worked the step yet but thanks for all your shares.
I have to say though,reading about making amends to myself has me crying right now and I'm not sure why. It has touched me in some way and I need to explore that.
Have a good night.
But with my Al-Anon experience, I have decided to reframe that to: I was given more than I could handle alone -- but with the help of others, I can handle difficult things and can handle the residue of things that happened in the past.
I would appreciate not being directly challenged for my personal experience and views.
Each of us has the right to share openly, safely and freely and debating or refuting another person's experience, strength and hope creates an unsafe environment.
Cross Talk has not been 'defined' formally by Al-Anon World Services, it's left up to each group to do so. No matter what your thoughts are about cross talk, refuting my post directly makes me uncomfortable. I won't speak for anyone else, but challenging me or my experience makes MIP feel less safe.
I apologize..
Maresie