In todays reading the author discusses when a newcomer to Al-Anon "tells his/her sponsor about the alcoholic
conflict in the home" and how what is recanted is "only one side of the story."
Our involvement in the chaos can literally make it difficult, in the midst of the upheaval, to see that our sense
of reality can place our perspective askew.
Al-Anon helps us to put that perspective in line, by showing us that "compassion and understanding of the
alcoholics deep guilt and unhappiness" is driving that chaos. Using the tools of Al-Anon, one day at a time,
enables us to "share in the responsibilities for the family troubles."
Todays Reminder:
"Al-Anon's challenge to me is this: deliberately to cancel out my thoughts of grievances against others, especially
the alcoholic; to face the real causes of much of my misery, and to believe that I can do a great deal to improve
my life by rooting out my own shortcomings."
Quote:
"If you are pained by any external thing, look to yourself for release from it. When circumstances cause you to be
disturbed, return to yourself quickly; do not remain out of tune with the Universal Good."
ESH:
Perspective and compassion are the two most important issues I have learned to be able to personally improve on in
Al-Anon. When I adjusted those two aspects of my "stinking thinking" an entirely new way of living emerged!! I was
no longer hurt, resentful and emotionally beat up.
Just to understand that the alcoholic chaos and gas-lighting was part of the disease, released me emotionally to be able
to freely work on myself and to honestly work the steps and absorb the tools.
The bonus was that I could see the benefits of how these lessons, tools, traditions and slogans can/are helping me in all
other areas of my life as well!!
Wishing my MIP family peace and serenity today!!
Lyne said
Jun 10, 2021
Thanks Debb for your service and for all above ESH. Discovering I could have compassion for my A was something short of a miracle. I spent years trying to force solutions and harboring intense anger, hurt, and resentment. I couldn't see my own dysfunction as I only blamed my A. I have twice now made amends to her, each time I've done the Steps, for now I can see the hurt I've caused. Always grateful for our program and all of the people that cross my path along this journey.
Debb said
Jun 10, 2021
Thank you TT and Lyne for sharing your ESH today and I too am grateful for Al-Anon and the MIP Family.
So happy that I am here with you all and that our paths have crossed indeed on this journey together.
SunnyFrogs said
Jun 10, 2021
Good afternoon.
It's easy to blame everything on someone else instead of taking responsibility for myself. When I can take a step back and see my own role in things I see just how often I create my own problems and misery.
I like to say AH pushes my buttons but what I have learned here is he can't if I don't allow him to.
I'm learning so much in this program. I'm grateful to be here.
Debb said
Jun 10, 2021
{{SF}} I am glad you are here as well!!
There is so much more for me to learn!!
JerryF said
Jun 10, 2021
Good morning Ladies and Family and thanks for this extra as I add it on to what I had and got when I woke up. HP is a comfort as I wake and understand that it is still with me and concerned for my mental, physical and spiritual well being. As it has already been said I am more than a little grateful for this program and every member I have met since 2/8/79 who shared their ESH with me and/or sat with me concerned for my recovery and their own. My sponsors, my therapists, my professors, EVERYONE!!.
I woke up re-viewing my 8th steps especially the most violent and terrible events which I insure have been appropriately made amends for. Several happened here in Clovis Ca. where I am at now and the victims within easy reach of the progressive amends making that has been happening since first coming into Al-Anon and AA. I can hear HP''s whispers in regard to the program and my present behaviors. I will never be done. I will always be on deck as an example of a soul in need of the steps, traditions and all of our program.
One morning after a particularly bad and violent night against my alcoholic/addict she admitted to me, "I deserved it" and while she was saying that I was remembering the Al-Anon advisory, "You don't beat sick persons ". I won't relate further only to say that lesson will remain with me for the rest of my life. I won't retaliate that way against anyone who raises my pride and ego against my value system again ....for today again.
It is ever so important for me to say thanks. (((((HUGS)))))
DavidG said
Jun 10, 2021
Debb, and y'all...
I was going to weaken the argument- for myself- because my relationship with my A.F. is long over, of course.
But it happened during my formative years, and with a mother, and others, as well. My secondary relationship with my SO was not
alcoholic- but it had many of the components. as we all do- we each bought our own luggage into the situation. And I was able to
apply the same principles, described in the reading, to this situation as well. We can say:_ y'all kin take the kid out of the family,
but y'all caint take the family out of the kid!
Hmmm... well, by working the programme I do believe we can do this little by little. By the grace of god I did not become addictive
or alcoholic myself. I was able to break some of the cycle. I have had a lot of memory recall in recent years- both good and bad memories.
But out of this inventorying there have been results and consequences.
Good consequences.
Thanks.
Daffodils said
Jun 10, 2021
Good Day Everyone. Debb, thanks for your service/ESH . It gave me a good kickstart for the day. (Got my Pfizer shot) yay! The shares ,as always, increase my desire to change for the better. A program pal sent : " He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived. "...hmm... I am treating myself to a nap and reflecting on the gift of hope MIP/ Al-Anon blessed me with.
Iamhere said
Jun 10, 2021
Happy Thursday MIP. Thank you Debb for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares/ESH. I am reminded that unless/until I see, believe, embrace and accept my part, genuine compassion is out of reach. I can certainly 'fake it until I make it' which helps me with better choices and responses to disease chaos/drama but until I stopped throwing blame/shame at others and took an honest assessment/inventory of myself with the intent to focus accordingly, I was stuck in an improved, but still unhealthy cycle.
I'm one who believes that most Al-Anoners are sicker than their A's. Simply because the A is obsessed with one thing - staying drunk or the next drink and we obsess over many things. I know that I had such deep denial about my part in the insanity it took a long time to stop looking and blaming my A's for all/every thing wrong. I really like to say that my denial had denial as it was so true in my case.
In my case, no matter what horrible event/thing/words from my A that I shared with my sponsor, she would perpetually say, 'Why do you feel the way you feel?' Why are you personalizing 'this' from an unwell person? Her intent was always, over and over and over again to help me stop looking at them and instead look at me. Until I could do this with complete honesty, I struggled with reacting, boundaries, detaching, etc. My own sickness kept me attached to the insanity, as I just couldn't find my way to my part. When I did, my real journey to freedom began.
I started my day with a shotgun golf tournament. It's very hot here and one in our group got overheated and had to quit. In spite of the heat and the less than stellar outcome, we had fun. Grateful to be indoors with A/C just relaxing. Hope you are choosing to have a great day too!
Debb said
Jun 10, 2021
Thank you JerryF, Daffodils, David and IAH for your all your shared ESH!!
mamalioness said
Jun 11, 2021
Thank you Debbie for your service.
Even though I was living with an alcoholic, twice, I knew after I was in recovery for a while, my part in adding to the chaos and drama and I had to accept that even though he was the drinker or I should say they were the drinkers because I married two of them, I still had my part. I still had to keep the focus on me and what was I doing that I need to do moving forward and there were a lot of things: keeping the drama going by not walking away from a stupid useless argument: trading insult for insult when I shouldve just used an Al-Anon saying and walked away but I was not an Al-Anon at the time. Taking everything he said personally instead of just realizing hes a drunk I am is going to be saying anything he can to hurt me so quit taking it personally: other things to like her name like my passive aggressive getting back out him. most of this is directed at my first AH the other one, was nice to me and was a nice person really but I just could not stand to watch him self-destruct with the 80 proof
But there is hardly a bad relationship without myself having some part in it even if it is not just a simple matter of setting a boundary and sticking to it or, distancing myself or even leaving if the relationship is that toxic. There are very few cases where the non-drinking partner doesnt really have a part in it and I think domestic violence is one of them where the one being abused if it is domestic violence, that is a dealbreaker for me and I am going to leave but even without saying, Ive asked myself later what could I have done differently? And sometimes just being there was enough for him to get nasty and violent. Its a tough thing. Living with active substance abuses but there are things I could have done to maybe either get out of there easier or mitigate the situation where it doesnt escalate.
Debb said
Jun 11, 2021
Thank you Mamalioness for your shared ESH!!
Maresie888 said
Jun 11, 2021
Dear Debbie
Thank you.so much for your commitment to this program. It is indeed a real art to believe in the future. As an essential worjer I am daily tested in this pandemic
This week I went to yet another lecture in grief. Indeed when I am around alcoholics it is indeed very sad. People who have to use alcohol to manage their moods is truly desperate. I have been willing to learn new tools to invest in myself to. One of them being to commit so much of my time and energy to recovery. My recovery is a very high priority in my life.
My pile of books particularly those related to complex PTSD is growing. Learning how to grieve has been paramount. So far I have been on numerous courses. I went to one weekly support group as well. My grief was frozen. Now it is not ab I am far li less triggered on a daily basis.
Progress not perfection
Yet I have to say that like a child I had for a long time ask people to manage my feelings. They were so overwhelming to.me.
Then I learned this year so much about complex PTSD being a disorder of regulation which is I believe at the heart of addiction. Therefore the addict and myself had much in common. That is we shared certain traits. Now I do not
Therefore I have far less identification with them and an therefore less caught up in their issues. My own issues are paramount one them being self sufficient.
There is so much recovery when you have complex PTSD
However as we all know one of the crucial details mentioned several times in the program is that I will go to any lengths to recover. I go to any lengths to recover
Recovery is always possible
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 11th of June 2021 04:49:15 PM
Debb said
Jun 11, 2021
Thank you Maresie, you are so right!! Recovery is always possible and it looks great on you!!!
In todays reading the author discusses when a newcomer to Al-Anon "tells his/her sponsor about the alcoholic
conflict in the home" and how what is recanted is "only one side of the story."
Our involvement in the chaos can literally make it difficult, in the midst of the upheaval, to see that our sense
of reality can place our perspective askew.
Al-Anon helps us to put that perspective in line, by showing us that "compassion and understanding of the
alcoholics deep guilt and unhappiness" is driving that chaos. Using the tools of Al-Anon, one day at a time,
enables us to "share in the responsibilities for the family troubles."
Todays Reminder:
"Al-Anon's challenge to me is this: deliberately to cancel out my thoughts of grievances against others, especially
the alcoholic; to face the real causes of much of my misery, and to believe that I can do a great deal to improve
my life by rooting out my own shortcomings."
Quote:
"If you are pained by any external thing, look to yourself for release from it. When circumstances cause you to be
disturbed, return to yourself quickly; do not remain out of tune with the Universal Good."
ESH:
Perspective and compassion are the two most important issues I have learned to be able to personally improve on in
Al-Anon. When I adjusted those two aspects of my "stinking thinking" an entirely new way of living emerged!! I was
no longer hurt, resentful and emotionally beat up.
Just to understand that the alcoholic chaos and gas-lighting was part of the disease, released me emotionally to be able
to freely work on myself and to honestly work the steps and absorb the tools.
The bonus was that I could see the benefits of how these lessons, tools, traditions and slogans can/are helping me in all
other areas of my life as well!!
Wishing my MIP family peace and serenity today!!
So happy that I am here with you all and that our paths have crossed indeed on this journey together.
It's easy to blame everything on someone else instead of taking responsibility for myself. When I can take a step back and see my own role in things I see just how often I create my own problems and misery.
I like to say AH pushes my buttons but what I have learned here is he can't if I don't allow him to.
I'm learning so much in this program. I'm grateful to be here.
{{SF}} I am glad you are here as well!!
There is so much more for me to learn!!
Good morning Ladies and Family and thanks for this extra as I add it on to what I had and got when I woke up. HP is a comfort as I wake and understand that it is still with me and concerned for my mental, physical and spiritual well being. As it has already been said I am more than a little grateful for this program and every member I have met since 2/8/79 who shared their ESH with me and/or sat with me concerned for my recovery and their own. My sponsors, my therapists, my professors, EVERYONE!!.
I woke up re-viewing my 8th steps especially the most violent and terrible events which I insure have been appropriately made amends for. Several happened here in Clovis Ca. where I am at now and the victims within easy reach of the progressive amends making that has been happening since first coming into Al-Anon and AA. I can hear HP''s whispers in regard to the program and my present behaviors. I will never be done. I will always be on deck as an example of a soul in need of the steps, traditions and all of our program.
One morning after a particularly bad and violent night against my alcoholic/addict she admitted to me, "I deserved it" and while she was saying that I was remembering the Al-Anon advisory, "You don't beat sick persons ". I won't relate further only to say that lesson will remain with me for the rest of my life. I won't retaliate that way against anyone who raises my pride and ego against my value system again ....for today again.
It is ever so important for me to say thanks. (((((HUGS)))))
I was going to weaken the argument- for myself- because my relationship with my A.F. is long over, of course.
But it happened during my formative years, and with a mother, and others, as well. My secondary relationship with my SO was not
alcoholic- but it had many of the components. as we all do- we each bought our own luggage into the situation. And I was able to
apply the same principles, described in the reading, to this situation as well. We can say:_ y'all kin take the kid out of the family,
but y'all caint take the family out of the kid!
Hmmm... well, by working the programme I do believe we can do this little by little. By the grace of god I did not become addictive
or alcoholic myself. I was able to break some of the cycle. I have had a lot of memory recall in recent years- both good and bad memories.
But out of this inventorying there have been results and consequences.
Good consequences.
Thanks.
I'm one who believes that most Al-Anoners are sicker than their A's. Simply because the A is obsessed with one thing - staying drunk or the next drink and we obsess over many things. I know that I had such deep denial about my part in the insanity it took a long time to stop looking and blaming my A's for all/every thing wrong. I really like to say that my denial had denial as it was so true in my case.
In my case, no matter what horrible event/thing/words from my A that I shared with my sponsor, she would perpetually say, 'Why do you feel the way you feel?' Why are you personalizing 'this' from an unwell person? Her intent was always, over and over and over again to help me stop looking at them and instead look at me. Until I could do this with complete honesty, I struggled with reacting, boundaries, detaching, etc. My own sickness kept me attached to the insanity, as I just couldn't find my way to my part. When I did, my real journey to freedom began.
I started my day with a shotgun golf tournament. It's very hot here and one in our group got overheated and had to quit. In spite of the heat and the less than stellar outcome, we had fun. Grateful to be indoors with A/C just relaxing. Hope you are choosing to have a great day too!
Even though I was living with an alcoholic, twice, I knew after I was in recovery for a while, my part in adding to the chaos and drama and I had to accept that even though he was the drinker or I should say they were the drinkers because I married two of them, I still had my part. I still had to keep the focus on me and what was I doing that I need to do moving forward and there were a lot of things: keeping the drama going by not walking away from a stupid useless argument: trading insult for insult when I shouldve just used an Al-Anon saying and walked away but I was not an Al-Anon at the time. Taking everything he said personally instead of just realizing hes a drunk I am is going to be saying anything he can to hurt me so quit taking it personally: other things to like her name like my passive aggressive getting back out him. most of this is directed at my first AH the other one, was nice to me and was a nice person really but I just could not stand to watch him self-destruct with the 80 proof
But there is hardly a bad relationship without myself having some part in it even if it is not just a simple matter of setting a boundary and sticking to it or, distancing myself or even leaving if the relationship is that toxic. There are very few cases where the non-drinking partner doesnt really have a part in it and I think domestic violence is one of them where the one being abused if it is domestic violence, that is a dealbreaker for me and I am going to leave but even without saying, Ive asked myself later what could I have done differently? And sometimes just being there was enough for him to get nasty and violent. Its a tough thing. Living with active substance abuses but there are things I could have done to maybe either get out of there easier or mitigate the situation where it doesnt escalate.
Dear Debbie
Thank you.so much for your commitment to this program. It is indeed a real art to believe in the future. As an essential worjer I am daily tested in this pandemic
This week I went to yet another lecture in grief. Indeed when I am around alcoholics it is indeed very sad. People who have to use alcohol to manage their moods is truly desperate. I have been willing to learn new tools to invest in myself to. One of them being to commit so much of my time and energy to recovery. My recovery is a very high priority in my life.
My pile of books particularly those related to complex PTSD is growing. Learning how to grieve has been paramount. So far I have been on numerous courses. I went to one weekly support group as well. My grief was frozen. Now it is not ab I am far li less triggered on a daily basis.
Progress not perfection
Yet I have to say that like a child I had for a long time ask people to manage my feelings. They were so overwhelming to.me.
Then I learned this year so much about complex PTSD being a disorder of regulation which is I believe at the heart of addiction. Therefore the addict and myself had much in common. That is we shared certain traits. Now I do not
Therefore I have far less identification with them and an therefore less caught up in their issues. My own issues are paramount one them being self sufficient.
There is so much recovery when you have complex PTSD
However as we all know one of the crucial details mentioned several times in the program is that I will go to any lengths to recover. I go to any lengths to recover
Recovery is always possible
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 11th of June 2021 04:49:15 PM