My life used to revolve around helping others. In particular the qualifier only had to ask me for help and I dropped everything to go to extraordinary lengths for him. He was really a very very good manipulator. In fact he was expert at it. Many alcoholic addicts are.
This week I heard that someone who I helped a lot had an emergency. In the past I would rush in to help her
Then at some point I asked her to do something for me
She adamantly refused. So then I set some distance between is. I have no obligation to go to help her. I don't even have to investigate.
While I am certainly not in a place of over whelm as I have been in the past my plate is full. I am trying to.m move on with new goals. Those goals feel quite elusive at times.
The upshot is that I spent a lot of time being manipulated
I most certainly did not expect reciprocity. I was not able to see or understand that I was being manipulated
I had a real serious run in with a co worker in the past few month. She wanted to come into my office and dump all her issues on me. I set limits. Then she lashed out repeatedly. She is a skilled manipulator who boasted about it but she did not get to bully me
I had to completely cut her off. That has made me very leery of dealing with certain people especially those who really are identified with the #victim# role. The drama triangle of victim, rescue, perpetrator is very real
My coworker most definitely has had a hard life. So have I .
Therefore I am no longer available to commiserate especially when people lash out. Personal responsibility is key for me. That is now one of my bottom lines.
Then in the past month I had to deal with yet another co worker who also has her own issues. They are of course perfectly valid issues.
She was set to train me. I could have done without that experience. Tomorrow I will see the same co worker. comes into work late every day. The traffic is up since the pandemic. I go into to work early every day. My commute is far longer than hers.
I most certainly commiserate with how hard it is for everyone in the pandemic. But somehow I get this projection from other that it is easy for me and hard for them
There is nothing easy about my life even today. I gave to spend every day working on what I need to do next
Tonight I go back to the job which I have spent the last few weeks training for. One reason I took.that job was to be away from this coworker who out and out bullied me. I stood my ground with her
Now I have to deal with another set of issues.
I used to be very very very accommodating and empathic. Now I am feeling a lot less empathic. I am actually feeling I have to be real wary of those people who are manipulative. If they do not get what they want they simply attack
That is like dealing with a crocodile. You can never turn your back on them. I have never viewed certain people who have been victimized that way.
They are certainly volatile, abusive but most of all completely devoid of any measure of responsibility
That about sums up my relationship with every alcoholic. None of them could be responsible.
I feel really bad for my friend who has had an emergency. However my days of jumping up and attending to others over myself are over
Furthermore I have had to look at who I can be cordial with and on what level. Some people are so deceitful and manipulative that there is no possibility of any form of relationship. They will go to any lengths to get what they want. There is only total self involvement there.
My co worker who replaces me in the morning being one of them. She has real entitlement issues. Thankfully now I am trained this is no longer my issue. But I.still have to deal with her being late. My commute is long real real long. On some days it is ridiculously long
Certainly these are difficult times but during the training she was out and out unpleasant
I do not need too much more of that. I have limits.
Being in recovery is very difficult. My self image has had to change from #giving# to # self reliant#
Being self reliant is new for me and an uphill struggle.
One day at a time. Self reliance is the ultimate goal
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Wednesday 2nd of June 2021 03:10:38 PM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Wednesday 2nd of June 2021 03:12:21 PM
DavidG said
Jun 2, 2021
Good share, Maresie. "Miss Goody-Two-Shoes" used to be my name.
Being good to myself first was a great move. ...
Debb said
Jun 2, 2021
I agree that this is a good share Maresie and being good to myself has taken on a
new meaning and precedence,
SunnyFrogs said
Jun 2, 2021
Yeah,good share Maresie.
I'm learning to put myself first. It's not an easy thing to always do though. But I'm getting there.
Maresie888 said
Jun 2, 2021
I went to a seminar this year about feeling better. The lecturer said one way is to help others
That is not true for some of is
For some of us it is excess.
I.can become over involved so quickly.
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 3rd of June 2021 09:47:46 AM
Fedora said
Jun 14, 2021
Maresie: what a good example of honoring your boundaries and integrity. For someone who is not as far down the road of healthy thinking as you are, you are an inspiration to me.
Recently I realized that my helping others was a way of denying that my life had become unmanageable. If I could still help people, how bad could my life be? :).
Maresie888 said
Jun 15, 2021
Volunterismis based on that helping someone else does make you feel better
I have had to find other ways to feel better
1) nutrition
2) Rest
3) Meditation
4) focus on my health
Maresie
Seahorse7 said
Jun 15, 2021
Thank you and I admire your resolve and strength. Something that has helped me recently when my AH is well into his drinking or being nasty-sober is that I pretend I live alone. Meaning, I dont ask him for anything or count on him to take care of things, I handle it myself. This has both boosted my confidence when I feel helpless, and allowed me to think that I could survive ok without him ,if it ever came to that.
Im learning from all of you. Take care.
Girl58 said
Jun 15, 2021
Maresie, Thanks for good share. I have also always been the "responsible" one, etc. So glad to hear you're on track for better boundaries and self care.
JerryF said
Jun 15, 2021
I like the subject this morning and the family participation in it as it helps me to understand my PTSD condition and how to best and better reduce it's future affect to my life. Thank you again. ((((hugs))))
My life used to revolve around helping others. In particular the qualifier only had to ask me for help and I dropped everything to go to extraordinary lengths for him. He was really a very very good manipulator. In fact he was expert at it. Many alcoholic addicts are.
This week I heard that someone who I helped a lot had an emergency. In the past I would rush in to help her
Then at some point I asked her to do something for me
She adamantly refused. So then I set some distance between is. I have no obligation to go to help her. I don't even have to investigate.
While I am certainly not in a place of over whelm as I have been in the past my plate is full. I am trying to.m move on with new goals. Those goals feel quite elusive at times.
The upshot is that I spent a lot of time being manipulated
I most certainly did not expect reciprocity. I was not able to see or understand that I was being manipulated
I had a real serious run in with a co worker in the past few month. She wanted to come into my office and dump all her issues on me. I set limits. Then she lashed out repeatedly. She is a skilled manipulator who boasted about it but she did not get to bully me
I had to completely cut her off. That has made me very leery of dealing with certain people especially those who really are identified with the #victim# role. The drama triangle of victim, rescue, perpetrator is very real
My coworker most definitely has had a hard life. So have I .
Therefore I am no longer available to commiserate especially when people lash out. Personal responsibility is key for me. That is now one of my bottom lines.
Then in the past month I had to deal with yet another co worker who also has her own issues. They are of course perfectly valid issues.
She was set to train me. I could have done without that experience. Tomorrow I will see the same co worker. comes into work late every day. The traffic is up since the pandemic. I go into to work early every day. My commute is far longer than hers.
I most certainly commiserate with how hard it is for everyone in the pandemic. But somehow I get this projection from other that it is easy for me and hard for them
There is nothing easy about my life even today. I gave to spend every day working on what I need to do next
Tonight I go back to the job which I have spent the last few weeks training for. One reason I took.that job was to be away from this coworker who out and out bullied me. I stood my ground with her
Now I have to deal with another set of issues.
I used to be very very very accommodating and empathic. Now I am feeling a lot less empathic. I am actually feeling I have to be real wary of those people who are manipulative. If they do not get what they want they simply attack
That is like dealing with a crocodile. You can never turn your back on them. I have never viewed certain people who have been victimized that way.
They are certainly volatile, abusive but most of all completely devoid of any measure of responsibility
That about sums up my relationship with every alcoholic. None of them could be responsible.
I feel really bad for my friend who has had an emergency. However my days of jumping up and attending to others over myself are over
Furthermore I have had to look at who I can be cordial with and on what level. Some people are so deceitful and manipulative that there is no possibility of any form of relationship. They will go to any lengths to get what they want. There is only total self involvement there.
My co worker who replaces me in the morning being one of them. She has real entitlement issues. Thankfully now I am trained this is no longer my issue. But I.still have to deal with her being late. My commute is long real real long. On some days it is ridiculously long
Certainly these are difficult times but during the training she was out and out unpleasant
I do not need too much more of that. I have limits.
Being in recovery is very difficult. My self image has had to change from #giving# to # self reliant#
Being self reliant is new for me and an uphill struggle.
One day at a time. Self reliance is the ultimate goal
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Wednesday 2nd of June 2021 03:10:38 PM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Wednesday 2nd of June 2021 03:12:21 PM
Being good to myself first was a great move.
...
new meaning and precedence,
I'm learning to put myself first. It's not an easy thing to always do though. But I'm getting there.
I went to a seminar this year about feeling better. The lecturer said one way is to help others
That is not true for some of is
For some of us it is excess.
I.can become over involved so quickly.
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 3rd of June 2021 09:47:46 AM
Recently I realized that my helping others was a way of denying that my life had become unmanageable. If I could still help people, how bad could my life be? :).
Volunterismis based on that helping someone else does make you feel better
I have had to find other ways to feel better
1) nutrition
2) Rest
3) Meditation
4) focus on my health
Maresie
Im learning from all of you. Take care.
Maresie, Thanks for good share. I have also always been the "responsible" one, etc. So glad to hear you're on track for better boundaries and self care.
I like the subject this morning and the family participation in it as it helps me to understand my PTSD condition and how to best and better reduce it's future affect to my life. Thank you again. ((((hugs))))
