Today's writer recalls the saying that an expectation is a 'premeditated resentment'. We may hold certain standards as important to us, but then expect others also to hold to them or face our judgment or wrath.

Alternative: adjust our expectation of others, especially when we are aware there is high chance it will not be met. Result: no resentment.

Reminder: I have the right to choose my own standards, but neither the power nor right to impose these on others.

"I have accepted myself and I'm beginning to other people the way they are each day. Now I have fewer resentments." - Living with Sobriety

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'But it is a reasonable expectation.. it is common courtesy.. any reasonable person would do it...these are reasons I sometimes have for my expectations, and some of them may even have some truth to them.

This does not change the fact that if I choose to stubbornly hang on to them rather than accept the facts and adjust accordingly, I will be negatively affected. Do I want to be 'right', or do I want to have serenity?

Grateful for the wisdom of the program

Good morning.

It took me a long time to stop the expectations-resentment cycle with my A kids. That arrived from the pain I was inflicting upon myself by doing so.

I still struggle when it comes to AH. Since I am married,of course there's gonna be expectations. And yes, it does cause resentment when those are not met.

I'm not quite to the point where I am willing to accept the same for/from him as I do my kids.

I don't think I want to do that tbh. Not yet. Maybe because if/when I do I know that's when my marriage will truly be over. That might sound a bit dramatic but this is not how I want to live my life. Sure,I can detach,ignore,never poke the bear by watching everything I say and do. I can learn to accept and deal with never being able to count on him. I can spend the rest of my life working this program and working so hard for peace and serenity. I can do so many things,have so many tools available to help myself.

But the big question is whether it's even worth it.

I will always be expecting good things within this relationship. Things that I will never receive. I don't think it's wrong to expect honesty,kindness,etc.

I don't think it's ok to work so hard to find ways to not react to unkindness,dishonesty, verbal abuse,etc. I don't think it's ok to work so hard to overlook unhappiness.

What kind of life is that?

I think I need to spend more time working on myself and what I need and want and obtaining them. Too much of my time is spent just trying to avoid reacting,or arguments. It feels so good when I don't  react but there has to be more to life than just getting through the day without a fight.

Sorry if this sounds like I'm just venting. Maybe I am. I'm just real tired of waking up in the mornings and having to immediately begin working so hard around an unwell,unreasonable person. I expect to wake up and have someone in my bed that I'm happy to be with,happy to see,to hear some kind words now and then.

If there shouldn't be any expectations in marriage then what's the point.

Have a good day. Obviously I need to get out of this mindset and change the course of my day.

Thank you Paul for your service, today's reading and to you and everyone for your shared ESH.

I like the quote:

"Resentment is anger re sent, it goes round and round resending the feelings." ~ Al-Anon

So dealing with my resentment, is essentially dealing with my anger, that I am not getting my own way.

Realizing that I cannot force someone to give me what I want when they are not, either able or willing to.

is my problem not theirs.  

Thank you Al-Anon!

I.can very much relate to the issue of wondering what the point is of practicing al anon skills especially when they did not transform my relationship into something I found palatable. 

Certainly some of us grow up with idealized expectations of relationships.  Naturally since I got almost none of my relationships met in my family of origin. Indeed in my family neglect was commonplace. The neglect was extremely difficult to define. My family were certainly poor but the neglect went far beyond poverty. My sisters were encouraged to fight for whatever few crumbs there were to scavenge. My elder systw became a consummate bully in that regard. That physical abuse is still something I deal with to this say 

When I first got into al anon I really was pretty upset about the notion of not arguing with the alcoholic. After all I was right. However when I stopped participating in the argument many good things happened for me 

I wish I lived in a world where even a small portion of my needs were met. However I live in the real world with some nasty co workers. Al anon would have helped me immeairabky in not participating in the #under tow# problems that are part of many work places. 

When I have had to deal with several government entities in the past few months I have had to have a great deal of patience. 

The pandemic has increased the amount of red tape immeasurably 

As a result of my childhood I did indeed have a pretty idealized view of romantic relationships. I most certainly wanted to be rescued.  To a certain extend a number of my relationships have involved some semblance of rescue. That is rescue on both sides. While that idea holds a lot of meaning in practice it set up expectations that were unrealistic. 

Indeed I found a great deal of meaning in helping others and in working out ways to be a giving reassuring partner. The issue  was that the effort and the passion were not reciprocal 

My qualifier was indeed passionate about many issues in his life but being a partner was not one of them. In fact he seemed to go out of his way to dismiss my needs on an ongoing basis. 

Therefore my childhood which was almost completely barren of any form of mirroring, love and attention set me up to have dysfunctional relationships.  Indeed it set me up to walk on eggshells and believe that I had to ge extremely furtive about getting any needs Met.   Indeed in my household having any sense of contentment was met with fierce jealousy by my siblings. That rivalry continued into adulthood. It was very difficult to give up that rivalry as an adult there was an intense emotional charge associated with it 

So for me certainly at many times in al anon there was always a question of what were all these tools good for. It turns out that they were an excellent way to self regulate. Then in turn it became a way to revise my expectations and set limits on my perfectionism. After that I then began to identify the chasm of unmet needs that had never been addressed 

Furthermore in time I came to appreciate just what a hold that alcohol and drugs had on th e qualifier and other people I know. While it helped some of them to function their means of getting their needs Met by manipulation, guilt, demanding and sulking is primitive. The fact that I responded to those #demands# said much about my own emotional poverty 

Of course none of this program is easy.  Facing himself is indeed extremely painful but I have to say that facing myself rather than trying to solve someone else's issues is far more productive. 

Maresie 

Okay family you're working "The Program" which is the solution I needed to hear and experience just before poking my nose inside of this door".   Really I was doing those things which are the  reasons I need to do other things that  are helpful to my mind, body, spirit and emotions.  I am outside with my spouse and find the need to ask myself the question, "Okay what is going on and why are you responding to it this way".  The "this way is of course my habitual way" which gets me angry and confused.  Notice I say me and my which means I am judging, blaming, reacting to "Them and They" and they didn't ask for the privilege.  I just relapsed into old behaviors that didn't and still don't work.  The steps, traditions, slogans and behaviors I have learned from the program do work yet I am relapsing to the old stuff that  didn't and doesn't yet.  

I go to the metaphor of EGO...Easing God Out and repeat that  which doesn't work with all of the results that use to and still force me into "changing the things I can".  I  relearn that my bad habits are very often habitual and that as this program teaches, I must listen and watch and practice the opposites (of what I do that causes others difficulty).  I just made amends to my wife for my behavior which wasn't very acceptable on her part.  I did the amend with honesty to her and for me and then tipped toed to my Higher Power shyly.  

Now I am back here to listen, learn and practice more and more often.  Ahead of time?  Thanks.