Today's reading in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon talks about resentment and the desire for retaliation against someone who we believe has hurt us. It asks if we really know the other person's motive, and suggests that in some cases the hurt might have been unintentional or we might have been over sensitive.
It also points out that when an alcoholic is unkind towards their family, it is actually a backlash from their own guilt and self-hatred.
Today's reminder: Nobody has given me the right to punish anyone for anything. . . . Therefore any attempt at retaliation for an injury can only react unhappily on me.
Quote by Robert G. Ingersoll: "In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments -- there are consequences."
I feel very blessed that the alcoholic in my life never directed any violence at me and very very seldom any anger. Embarrassment? Yes. Confusion? Yes. Heartbreak at the physical and mental decline he suffered? Yes. But I can count on maybe two fingers the times he expressed any anger towards me. Those times puzzled me. Even in the moment, I knew that what he was saying wasn't true, and it seemed the only explanation was that he was angry at himself. It is comforting to have that confirmed by today's reading.
Nevertheless, for all the discomfort I experienced -- and which I didn't have the tools to deal with at the time -- I was angry, and I held that anger inside. I wanted to punish. I just couldn't figure out how to do it. The first time I told him I was going to an Al-Anon meeting, I hoped he would feel guilty for causing me to have to go there. As far as I know, it didn't even register.
Letting people experience natural consequences -- not my consequences, but the ones dealt by the natural world -- has usually worked out better. I need to have my boundaries so that someone else's natural consequence doesn't damage me.
The only good that my resentment and anger have done for me is that they gave me the energy to seek out recovery for myself.
MIP friends, what do you think about resentment?
Iamhere said
May 28, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service, the daily and your share. For me, when I harbor resentment(s), I am cheating myself out of pure serenity and real joy. I do not believe that my brain will allow negative/positive thoughts/feelings to coexist in peace!
I have come to accept that any resentments/anger I hold on to, 'justified' or not, just keeps me stuck. Letting go of the past, the pain, the anger, the resentments, etc. was not optional for me if I truly wanted to grow and find serenity. I tend to be more balanced today and can now spot toxic people faster than before. I have no problem stepping away to avoid any of that 'sticking to me'...
This program has given me everything I need to truly let go and let God. This does not mean I never feel pain, don't consider revenge, waste brain space/time on being angry, etc. It simply means, for me, that when I am ready, I have the choice and the tools to truly let it go. There is nothing I can do to change anything from the past, including people, events, abuse, etc. and fully understand the only person I am hurting by holding on to 'that' is me.
For my 'other side' of this recovery program, I can't allow myself to be resentful too long. Resentments are the top driver for many relapses so we all work extra hard to not keep them around for long. I'm grateful for the way my journey has unfolded and for the willingness to practice humility, grace, forgiveness and unconditional love/acceptance. These are the driving forces in me each day I choose to focus on and which bring me closest to my HP and peace.
Happy Friday all - we've got a return of cooler weather today. So, so grateful to NOT be travelling for this weekend - staying close to home and relaxing. Make it a great day!!
Lyne said
May 28, 2021
Thank you FT for your service and to both shares above. I was angry at my A for years and other people as well who had hurt me, seriously hurt me. My resentment kept me in a type of emotional prison and this program has allowed me to break free with new attitudes, understanding, and compassion for others in pain. I have a huge sticker on my sewing machine that says : FREEDOM. I am the only one who knows that is connected to alanon, but it represents how I feel in a major way. Grateful member.
Debb said
May 28, 2021
Thank you, as well, FT for your service, today's reading and to you, IAH and Lyne for sharing your ESH.
I was very angry and resentful as well, at my A and other people, but for me, when I am uncomfortable
I am the type to always seek answers. Al-Anon has given me the tools to address/find those reasons/answers
and retool my way of absorbing/feeling anger and resentment and why my attitude, perspective
and understanding play a role in processing and changing my emotional reaction to disappointment, anger and
resentment, when I feel I have been abused. I too still have my moments, but those Al-Anon tools are always
in use and now have greater flexibility and more understanding/ability to have faster resolution anytime I feel
slighted.
1. "Easy does it",
2. "THINK",
3. "Let go and let God" and
4. "JADE"
are my go to tools!!
Working those 12 Steps and abiding by the Traditions have made me a grateful member.
Thank you again FT!
serenity47 said
May 28, 2021
I feel that resentments which are held on to long term only end up harming me.
However, I do feel that it is very important for my recovery to accept my feelings and sit with them until they no longer serve me.
Sometimes, my resentments surface and instead of pushing it away , I try to just be aware of its presence and see what the feeling is trying to teach me. Do I need to do something differently? Do I need to bump up my gratitude practice? Do I need to address something that I have been avoiding?
So for me feelings of resentment are not bad they are another teaching tool to propel me forward.
SunnyFrogs said
May 28, 2021
Good afternoon.
Anymore,when I start feeling resentment I feel physically sick. That's my nudge to meditate or whatever I need to do in order to let it go.
It doesn't always work but I do try.
DavidG said
May 28, 2021
Freetime
The A. in my life never hit me- from memory. He threatened to give me "a thick ear" once or twice.
Our family I describe as "chronically passive-aggressive'. My dad's stepfather was a bimge drinker- and, looking back was also bi-polar. He had been a doctor, but was struck off.
In this atmosphere i had horrible stomach pains as a kid. One day the pain packed it's bags and moved up tp my head- and I got migraines. That is a terrible pain- worrying and frightening.
In my middle steps i would have been tempted to write out the whole case history. ...
resentment, anger. pain. grief... all these were locked up inside me. I had to bolt down my tears- because I did not want to show any form of vulnerability.
In the rooms I was able to open up. I was willing to- but accessing emotions took some time.
The rest is history!
Thanks.
Maresie888 said
May 28, 2021
Disappointment is a huge issue for.me
I find it quite difficult to process
On Memorisl.dsy I am working all weekend
That is gruelling
I am working to be more organized
Healthier
More stable
My finances are better than they have been but that is because I have three jobs
Nevertheless I am having to chase after money I am owed all the time
Disappointment for me is based on unrealistic expectations
I had a chronic history of doing this
Maresie
mamalioness said
May 29, 2021
Thank you FT for this great post about resentments and all of you above me, awesome stuff. Resentment was my middle name and I still struggle with it resentment at the predator, resentment at creator for not rescuing an innocent little child, resentment of my life being so damn tired most of the time. I just decided of late that you know Im just hurting myself by feeling resentments and try to be mindful and be with my breath and just look at all the other little blessings that I have and be grateful. Do a great full list every day.
Sometimes I take it personal when somebody says or does something and its on the ugly side but I am questioning more and hesitating more before I retaliate in other words if its somebody I care about, sort it out--ask them whats up? And if its somebody I dont know where dont particularly care for just let it go its not worth all the hassle and energy of holding resentment towards them
Resentment is a big thing with me particularly with the higher power end of it like why? And Im just done trying to figure it out. That is why I love the program in that I can find my higher power of my understanding and something that works for me. Ive been doing a lot of looking inside of me and I know thats where my higher self which is connected directly to the universe is and I dont want any negative energy and resentment is very negative. So when I talk to the universe I just say that I am ready and asking for the resentments to be removed from me. To be cleansed of them
This post came at a very timely Time for me because with the latest incident with my unemployment expiring, I need to get back to basics and resentment is some thing I noticed has reared its ugly head
Girl58 said
Jun 16, 2021
Freetime, thanks for your service and for this post. Resentment? Oh boy.
I think (I know) it can be huge. It is for me.
Here in Al Anon, I am learning that I cannot always, even with the help of my Higher Power, make resentment go away.
I feel better not beating myself up over my resentment; realizing that it's a natural (though neither helpful nor desirable) human emotion; that making it my enemy gives it too much power; and that I don't need to "come at it directly" or even label it as bad. What I'd really like to do is to view it as a normal part of myself, and work on letting it go in order to make room for other feelings, thoughts, ideas, perceptions, etc.
Simply seeing resentment in my heart and mind without judgment (as practiced in mindfulness techniques) and then moving to the next moment seems to work for me (sometimes, LOL).
Also, re: our slogan "Live and let live:" I find that the more I actually live, the less resentment I harbor toward my qualifier (or anyone). When I make a life of my own and am comfortable in my own skin, I have less need to blame others for hurting me and robbing me of something. I am often not able to do that, as I'm so accustomed to seeing myself as a victim. But I'm learning, with three steps forward, two steps back.
All these steps...I need a new pair of walking shoes!
DavidG said
Jun 16, 2021
Good to see this thread uplifted and embellished! Thanks Girl... ...
One time I wrote down:- Step 8. Made a lost of those who had harmed me, and vowed to get even!
I was always a patsy , miss goody-two shoes. Wouldn't say boo to a goose.
But i was burned up inside. I had some forms of auto-immune disease, glue ear, and migraine.
I was hostile, I was frigid. I did not suffer from mere anger- I suffered from rage. Pure blind livid rage! ...
I called my personality my "poisonality".
I could not control my thoughts- or even my comments. I was a walking time bomb.
This group- and this format- has been a god-send. Because I also had the paralysis of analysis.
and slowly, over time, I went from the paralysis of analysis to an attitude of gratitude.
I kept on saying:- I didn't ask to be born!
What a sad, crazy way to live! ...
...so, again, thanks for the topic, Girl. ...
Girl58 said
Jun 17, 2021
Love this thread...thanks to everyone. Just thought of one more thing.
I really like the question, "What are my feelings telling me about my needs?" So I can ask, "What is my resentment telling me about my needs?"
It's telling me more than just that I need to let to go of it (though it helps if I do). It's telling me I have normal human needs that I can learn new skills to get met. Needs for love, affection, being seen.
Like so many here struggle with, I resent my AS for not not meeting these emotional needs.
If I have other sources of affection, acceptance, and belonging, it's easier to let my resentment of her go. If I still feel I'm starving for love, it's so much harder not to resent her behavior.
And this is one reason why I am so grateful for Al Anon. There are people here who understand and care. I have a place to belong, just like my qualifier does in AA.
So my resentment is also telling me that I have a need to take responsibility for my own emotional needs, loving myself, and cultivating relationships with others that will also help get these needs met.
My resentment is telling me that I need to look for the truth about my Higher Power's unconditional love for me. My Higher Power's constant accessibility and responsiveness and guidance. My resentment is prompting me to learn that the well is never truly dry.
All these insights are valuable. So, for me, simply trying to get rid of my resentment isn't the only answer. Before gently letting it go, I want to listen to it and learn from it. Resentment isn't just about "subtraction..." It's also about the addition of new knowledge of my self and how to care for myself.
It's sort of like, when you're trying to get physically healthy, advice says to not only stop eating food that isn't good for you, but to start eating food that is nutritious and delicious. Adding things that are building us up. So I don't have to like resentment or call it my friend, but it sure does have a lot to tell me.
Thanks for listening, all. So glad to be here!
-- Edited by Girl58 on Thursday 17th of June 2021 08:22:31 AM
-- Edited by Girl58 on Thursday 17th of June 2021 08:25:11 AM
-- Edited by Girl58 on Thursday 17th of June 2021 08:32:48 AM
Freetime said
Jun 17, 2021
{{{Girl58}}}}, I just love the question you posted -- "What are my feelings telling me about my needs?" I am going to meditate on that and try to make it part of my arsenal. And the importance of replacing resentment, or other un-helpful feelings, with something healthier -- that has certainly been important for me.
Thank you for sharing your ESH!
Debb said
Jun 17, 2021
Girl58, wonderful observations!!! Thank you so much for sharing them!!!
Recovery definitely looks good on you!!
DavidG said
Jun 17, 2021
In this neck of the woods, we grew up on a diet of mutton, potatoes and cabbage- so I really appreciate the variety of food we get today. ...
Maresie888 said
Jun 17, 2021
Thank you so much for your observations about eating healthy
As regards to people I really have to work on what is healthy. What meets my needs. What is useful to me
I am trying to transition from enmeshed very frustrating relationships to more nuanced nurturing relationships
How to do that. First there is a lot of letting go secondly there is s lot of sadness
Third there is a lot of anger
Fourth there is a great deal of negotiation about what my priorities are. Currently it is my physical health
Maresie
Today's reading in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon talks about resentment and the desire for retaliation against someone who we believe has hurt us. It asks if we really know the other person's motive, and suggests that in some cases the hurt might have been unintentional or we might have been over sensitive.
It also points out that when an alcoholic is unkind towards their family, it is actually a backlash from their own guilt and self-hatred.
Today's reminder: Nobody has given me the right to punish anyone for anything. . . . Therefore any attempt at retaliation for an injury can only react unhappily on me.
Quote by Robert G. Ingersoll: "In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments -- there are consequences."
------------------------------------------------------
I feel very blessed that the alcoholic in my life never directed any violence at me and very very seldom any anger. Embarrassment? Yes. Confusion? Yes. Heartbreak at the physical and mental decline he suffered? Yes. But I can count on maybe two fingers the times he expressed any anger towards me. Those times puzzled me. Even in the moment, I knew that what he was saying wasn't true, and it seemed the only explanation was that he was angry at himself. It is comforting to have that confirmed by today's reading.
Nevertheless, for all the discomfort I experienced -- and which I didn't have the tools to deal with at the time -- I was angry, and I held that anger inside. I wanted to punish. I just couldn't figure out how to do it. The first time I told him I was going to an Al-Anon meeting, I hoped he would feel guilty for causing me to have to go there. As far as I know, it didn't even register.
Letting people experience natural consequences -- not my consequences, but the ones dealt by the natural world -- has usually worked out better. I need to have my boundaries so that someone else's natural consequence doesn't damage me.
The only good that my resentment and anger have done for me is that they gave me the energy to seek out recovery for myself.
MIP friends, what do you think about resentment?
I have come to accept that any resentments/anger I hold on to, 'justified' or not, just keeps me stuck. Letting go of the past, the pain, the anger, the resentments, etc. was not optional for me if I truly wanted to grow and find serenity. I tend to be more balanced today and can now spot toxic people faster than before. I have no problem stepping away to avoid any of that 'sticking to me'...
This program has given me everything I need to truly let go and let God. This does not mean I never feel pain, don't consider revenge, waste brain space/time on being angry, etc. It simply means, for me, that when I am ready, I have the choice and the tools to truly let it go. There is nothing I can do to change anything from the past, including people, events, abuse, etc. and fully understand the only person I am hurting by holding on to 'that' is me.
For my 'other side' of this recovery program, I can't allow myself to be resentful too long. Resentments are the top driver for many relapses so we all work extra hard to not keep them around for long. I'm grateful for the way my journey has unfolded and for the willingness to practice humility, grace, forgiveness and unconditional love/acceptance. These are the driving forces in me each day I choose to focus on and which bring me closest to my HP and peace.
Happy Friday all - we've got a return of cooler weather today. So, so grateful to NOT be travelling for this weekend - staying close to home and relaxing. Make it a great day!!
I was very angry and resentful as well, at my A and other people, but for me, when I am uncomfortable
I am the type to always seek answers. Al-Anon has given me the tools to address/find those reasons/answers
and retool my way of absorbing/feeling anger and resentment and why my attitude, perspective
and understanding play a role in processing and changing my emotional reaction to disappointment, anger and
resentment, when I feel I have been abused. I too still have my moments, but those Al-Anon tools are always
in use and now have greater flexibility and more understanding/ability to have faster resolution anytime I feel
slighted.
1. "Easy does it",
2. "THINK",
3. "Let go and let God" and
4. "JADE"
are my go to tools!!
Working those 12 Steps and abiding by the Traditions have made me a grateful member.
Thank you again FT!
However, I do feel that it is very important for my recovery to accept my feelings and sit with them until they no longer serve me.
Sometimes, my resentments surface and instead of pushing it away , I try to just be aware of its presence and see what the feeling is trying to teach me. Do I need to do something differently? Do I need to bump up my gratitude practice? Do I need to address something that I have been avoiding?
So for me feelings of resentment are not bad they are another teaching tool to propel me forward.
Anymore,when I start feeling resentment I feel physically sick. That's my nudge to meditate or whatever I need to do in order to let it go.
It doesn't always work but I do try.
Our family I describe as "chronically passive-aggressive'. My dad's stepfather was a bimge drinker- and, looking back was also bi-polar. He had been a doctor, but was struck off.
In this atmosphere i had horrible stomach pains as a kid. One day the pain packed it's bags and moved up tp my head- and I got migraines. That is a terrible pain- worrying and frightening.
In my middle steps i would have been tempted to write out the whole case history.
...
resentment, anger. pain. grief... all these were locked up inside me. I had to bolt down my tears- because I did not want to show any form of vulnerability.
In the rooms I was able to open up. I was willing to- but accessing emotions took some time.
The rest is history!
Thanks.
Disappointment is a huge issue for.me
I find it quite difficult to process
On Memorisl.dsy I am working all weekend
That is gruelling
I am working to be more organized
Healthier
More stable
My finances are better than they have been but that is because I have three jobs
Nevertheless I am having to chase after money I am owed all the time
Disappointment for me is based on unrealistic expectations
I had a chronic history of doing this
Maresie
Sometimes I take it personal when somebody says or does something and its on the ugly side but I am questioning more and hesitating more before I retaliate in other words if its somebody I care about, sort it out--ask them whats up? And if its somebody I dont know where dont particularly care for just let it go its not worth all the hassle and energy of holding resentment towards them
Resentment is a big thing with me particularly with the higher power end of it like why? And Im just done trying to figure it out. That is why I love the program in that I can find my higher power of my understanding and something that works for me. Ive been doing a lot of looking inside of me and I know thats where my higher self which is connected directly to the universe is and I dont want any negative energy and resentment is very negative. So when I talk to the universe I just say that I am ready and asking for the resentments to be removed from me. To be cleansed of them
This post came at a very timely Time for me because with the latest incident with my unemployment expiring, I need to get back to basics and resentment is some thing I noticed has reared its ugly head
Freetime, thanks for your service and for this post. Resentment? Oh boy.
I think (I know) it can be huge. It is for me.
Here in Al Anon, I am learning that I cannot always, even with the help of my Higher Power, make resentment go away.
I feel better not beating myself up over my resentment; realizing that it's a natural (though neither helpful nor desirable) human emotion; that making it my enemy gives it too much power; and that I don't need to "come at it directly" or even label it as bad. What I'd really like to do is to view it as a normal part of myself, and work on letting it go in order to make room for other feelings, thoughts, ideas, perceptions, etc.
Simply seeing resentment in my heart and mind without judgment (as practiced in mindfulness techniques) and then moving to the next moment seems to work for me (sometimes, LOL).
Also, re: our slogan "Live and let live:" I find that the more I actually live, the less resentment I harbor toward my qualifier (or anyone). When I make a life of my own and am comfortable in my own skin, I have less need to blame others for hurting me and robbing me of something. I am often not able to do that, as I'm so accustomed to seeing myself as a victim. But I'm learning, with three steps forward, two steps back.
All these steps...I need a new pair of walking shoes!
One time I wrote down:- Step 8. Made a lost of those who had harmed me, and vowed to get even!
I was always a patsy , miss goody-two shoes. Wouldn't say boo to a goose.
But i was burned up inside. I had some forms of auto-immune disease, glue ear, and migraine.
I was hostile, I was frigid. I did not suffer from mere anger- I suffered from rage. Pure blind livid rage!
...
I called my personality my "poisonality".
I could not control my thoughts- or even my comments. I was a walking time bomb.
This group- and this format- has been a god-send. Because I also had the paralysis of analysis.
and slowly, over time, I went from the paralysis of analysis to an attitude of gratitude.
I kept on saying:- I didn't ask to be born!
What a sad, crazy way to live!
...
...so, again, thanks for the topic, Girl.
...
Love this thread...thanks to everyone. Just thought of one more thing.
I really like the question, "What are my feelings telling me about my needs?" So I can ask, "What is my resentment telling me about my needs?"
It's telling me more than just that I need to let to go of it (though it helps if I do). It's telling me I have normal human needs that I can learn new skills to get met. Needs for love, affection, being seen.
Like so many here struggle with, I resent my AS for not not meeting these emotional needs.
If I have other sources of affection, acceptance, and belonging, it's easier to let my resentment of her go. If I still feel I'm starving for love, it's so much harder not to resent her behavior.
And this is one reason why I am so grateful for Al Anon. There are people here who understand and care. I have a place to belong, just like my qualifier does in AA.
So my resentment is also telling me that I have a need to take responsibility for my own emotional needs, loving myself, and cultivating relationships with others that will also help get these needs met.
My resentment is telling me that I need to look for the truth about my Higher Power's unconditional love for me. My Higher Power's constant accessibility and responsiveness and guidance. My resentment is prompting me to learn that the well is never truly dry.
All these insights are valuable. So, for me, simply trying to get rid of my resentment isn't the only answer. Before gently letting it go, I want to listen to it and learn from it. Resentment isn't just about "subtraction..." It's also about the addition of new knowledge of my self and how to care for myself.
It's sort of like, when you're trying to get physically healthy, advice says to not only stop eating food that isn't good for you, but to start eating food that is nutritious and delicious. Adding things that are building us up. So I don't have to like resentment or call it my friend, but it sure does have a lot to tell me.
Thanks for listening, all. So glad to be here!
-- Edited by Girl58 on Thursday 17th of June 2021 08:22:31 AM
-- Edited by Girl58 on Thursday 17th of June 2021 08:25:11 AM
-- Edited by Girl58 on Thursday 17th of June 2021 08:32:48 AM
Thank you for sharing your ESH!
Recovery definitely looks good on you!!
As regards to people I really have to work on what is healthy. What meets my needs. What is useful to me
I am trying to transition from enmeshed very frustrating relationships to more nuanced nurturing relationships
How to do that. First there is a lot of letting go secondly there is s lot of sadness
Third there is a lot of anger
Fourth there is a great deal of negotiation about what my priorities are. Currently it is my physical health
Maresie