In today's reading, the author reflects on a former belief that if they could just find the right words, do the right things, dress in the right way, etc. people would agree with them and they would be accepted and belong. The author tended to look at others and believe that their outward appearances (happiness, self-confidence, always with all the right answers) and believe that that is how those people were. The author, too, put on the appearance of being happy and easy-going, and people believed that.
One day the author realized that if others could be so wrong about how the author really felt inside, that the other people might be pretending as well, putting on a similar front. After all, the author couldn't be the only one good at putting on a good act! The author realized that they had been comparing their insides to others' outsides.
Through Al-Anon, the author is learning that someone can disagree with them without either one being wrong. When no one needs to be wrong, everyone can fit in and belong, just as they are.
Today's Reminder: If I compare, I lose. Maybe I'll come out feeling better than somebody this time, but next time I'm bound to feel worse. The best way to stop feeling that I'm not good enough is to stop comparing altogether.
Today's Quote: "Little by little, we come to realize at our meetings that much of our discomfort comes from our attitudes." Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism
-------------------------------
I've long been aware of the need to put on a front, to pretend one thing when something else is going on inside. As I was growing up, it was a defense mechanism. When I realized that I was queer, it became necessary for my own safety. When living with an active alcoholic, it was a protective measure intended to preserve relationships. In my professional life, it is a skill that helps with career advancement and job stability. I'm so thankful for Al-Anon because that is a place where I can drop the mask and be who I am. There is no need to pretend that I have all the answers or that everything is just fine. When I'm talking with a program friend, or at a meeting, we can all set aside our masks and speak openly about our experiences, drawing on the strength of others who have walked a similar path.
SunnyFrogs said
May 19, 2021
Good morning and thanks for your share.
As a child I was taught by my mother that it's not what's on the inside that counts,it's the outside that matters.
I was taught to always dress well,always look my best,put on a fake smile and pretend everything was perfectly fine. She told me if I didn't show what I was feeling nobody would know. She literally rehearsed with me what I was supposed to say to people before taking me places. Things like " what do you say if someone asks if Daddy drinks" and would practice with me until I got it perfect.
There's SO much more to the story that would take too long to share. Needless to say,it has taken lots of therapy to even take a look at all of it. And now,with the help of this program it's feeling safer and ok to just be who I am. And to be ok with having my own voice, thoughts and opinions without putting on an act for others.
I like who I am vs what others want me to be or expect me to be. I just need to keep working on myself and building my confidence in order to always show it.
PosiesandPuppies said
May 19, 2021
This spoke to me today! Thank you Skorpi for your service, and SF for your share.
My journey of healing continues.
Happy Hump Day! At least I am going to look at my Gratitude List when this day tries to bring me down! LOL!
Iamhere said
May 19, 2021
Happy Hump Day MIP. Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily! Thank you all for your shares & ESH. I was also raised to keep secrets, put on a facade front and 'act as if' all was perfect. That word, perfect, and my obsessive desire to try and be perfect has truly stolen so much from my person! As I reflect, I can say that I existed in a world were I was perpetually competing and comparing. From as far back as I can recall, it was a reality in my life - with siblings, with class-mates, team members, etc. What this did was put me in a position were I was a part from always instead of a part of.
We don't know what we don't know thus this habit or pattern served me well (in my deep denial) until it did not. I was not aware how deeply I was affected until I got super honest in recovery and came to believe that my defense mechanisms and thus my style repelled healthy people and attracted unhealthy people. I used to say that my picker was broken, and it certainly was! This idea that I could continue to judge others, compete and compare with them, often only in my head was a huge source of my insanity. Not only did it affect my interactions with the diseased - it reached well beyond.
What I learned in recovery is that it is insane/unhealthy to compare my insides to what others showed me on their outsides. I do not know what's in another's heart, mind and soul ever. I do know now that, for me, my best chance at alignment between my head and heart is unconditional acceptance of others, no matter how different we may be. When I became aware that my way may not be the best or only way and separated my needs from my wants, I found a ton of clarity in who I was and who I wanted to be.
I am grateful that I've been able to practice recovery, see improvements and keep coming back. I'm grateful that I am better at trusting the God of my understanding and setting aside my wants, my will and my ego. I'm grateful that I've learned to practice forgiveness and have peace with all my relationships - present & past. Lastly, I'm grateful that I can accept that I and all others are made to be perfectly imperfect - nobody better/worse than another, just different.
Love and light all - golf cancelled --- feel like I need to build an arc!! I do love the smell of rain so it's good window weather. Make it a great day!
Debb said
May 19, 2021
Thank you Skorpi for your service, today's reading and to you and everyone for shared ESH.
I do still struggle sometimes with that connection with my appearance/mindset and acceptance,
especially with AH and my parents. AH and my parents are such highly critical individuals that I,
at times, have to take a step back and refer to the Al-Anon program to level off on that anxiety.
Acceptance of those individuals, that they do not have any power over me, is the key
mindset that I tap into whenever I find that they are affecting me. It is my perspective and
reaction that drives my anxiety when it concerns them and the negativity they personify.
Thank you Al-Anon!!
DavidG said
May 19, 2021
Mum told me:- "never judge a book by it's cover".
Thanks Skorpi... I could share along these lines for hours really. I need to.
However there is always after breakfast... hmmmm...??? ...
mamalioness said
May 20, 2021
Skorpi. Thanks for the great reminder and your share and everybody else thank you for your shares. I, too, I had to put on a front in order to halfway feel OK about myself. I was so shame-based and so beaten down by the most horrible programming that a child could ever suffer so yeah I had to put on the front with the beautiful clothes and the witty remarks and the take charge and fixing other peoples lives and problems I was a human doing but never just a human being. Now? I look back on all of that and it all relates to hell shame-based I was and how fear-based I was that I would be rejected of people really knew the horrible upbringing I had and the struggle I have had to overcome it. Now I love to be open and honest and willing about myself with others. Though I am still hard on me when I make mistakes out of not paying attention, I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I guess I am starting to accept me as is, no returns
Maresie888 said
May 21, 2021
Dear Skorpi
Truly when I got into recovery and was around people who were equally committed I felt that I had found home
Now I know I am often struggling to find ways to relate
Home is a very different reality for mr today
I was supposed to be moving in the next few weeks. My schedule had been changed so I am kind of stuck. In the meantime I am waiting on one payment that will make a big difference to me.
So since there is a hole in my schedule I have had to fill it up with other work. So much for the move
Normally i would be on the ceiling with these developments. However these days since I am an adult I kist have to deal with it
Set backs used to just slay me
Now they are a bump in the road
Being calm and collected has a lot going for it. I know I really let a lot of people on edge when I became really upset. I had to depend on others to co regulate me.
That is not a good place to be
Disappointment was very difficult for me to deal with in the past. Now I have a better window of tolerance I can navigate through them. I am appreciative that life is no longer an uphill struggle.
For the next week or two I have to work every day because of the hole in my schedule. That is not something I am unfamiliar with. On one say I have to do one shift come home rest for two hours then go out and do another shift. I may be able to find a better alternative than that
I was really hoping with the changes in the pandemic by schedule would not have sudden holes in it
Making adjustments was st one time impossible for me. Now I am in a place where I take full responsibility for my life I have to manage these changes.
Managing them without getting lost in a sea of triggers is new for me. Nevertheless I am disappointed
Now my plans are on hold and this is not the first hold. I had to out then in hold at the beginning of the year
Patience is a learned exercise
Maresie
In today's reading, the author reflects on a former belief that if they could just find the right words, do the right things, dress in the right way, etc. people would agree with them and they would be accepted and belong. The author tended to look at others and believe that their outward appearances (happiness, self-confidence, always with all the right answers) and believe that that is how those people were. The author, too, put on the appearance of being happy and easy-going, and people believed that.
One day the author realized that if others could be so wrong about how the author really felt inside, that the other people might be pretending as well, putting on a similar front. After all, the author couldn't be the only one good at putting on a good act! The author realized that they had been comparing their insides to others' outsides.
Through Al-Anon, the author is learning that someone can disagree with them without either one being wrong. When no one needs to be wrong, everyone can fit in and belong, just as they are.
Today's Reminder: If I compare, I lose. Maybe I'll come out feeling better than somebody this time, but next time I'm bound to feel worse. The best way to stop feeling that I'm not good enough is to stop comparing altogether.
Today's Quote: "Little by little, we come to realize at our meetings that much of our discomfort comes from our attitudes." Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism
-------------------------------
I've long been aware of the need to put on a front, to pretend one thing when something else is going on inside. As I was growing up, it was a defense mechanism. When I realized that I was queer, it became necessary for my own safety. When living with an active alcoholic, it was a protective measure intended to preserve relationships. In my professional life, it is a skill that helps with career advancement and job stability. I'm so thankful for Al-Anon because that is a place where I can drop the mask and be who I am. There is no need to pretend that I have all the answers or that everything is just fine. When I'm talking with a program friend, or at a meeting, we can all set aside our masks and speak openly about our experiences, drawing on the strength of others who have walked a similar path.
As a child I was taught by my mother that it's not what's on the inside that counts,it's the outside that matters.
I was taught to always dress well,always look my best,put on a fake smile and pretend everything was perfectly fine. She told me if I didn't show what I was feeling nobody would know. She literally rehearsed with me what I was supposed to say to people before taking me places. Things like " what do you say if someone asks if Daddy drinks" and would practice with me until I got it perfect.
There's SO much more to the story that would take too long to share. Needless to say,it has taken lots of therapy to even take a look at all of it. And now,with the help of this program it's feeling safer and ok to just be who I am. And to be ok with having my own voice, thoughts and opinions without putting on an act for others.
I like who I am vs what others want me to be or expect me to be. I just need to keep working on myself and building my confidence in order to always show it.
My journey of healing continues.
Happy Hump Day! At least I am going to look at my Gratitude List when this day tries to bring me down! LOL!
We don't know what we don't know thus this habit or pattern served me well (in my deep denial) until it did not. I was not aware how deeply I was affected until I got super honest in recovery and came to believe that my defense mechanisms and thus my style repelled healthy people and attracted unhealthy people. I used to say that my picker was broken, and it certainly was! This idea that I could continue to judge others, compete and compare with them, often only in my head was a huge source of my insanity. Not only did it affect my interactions with the diseased - it reached well beyond.
What I learned in recovery is that it is insane/unhealthy to compare my insides to what others showed me on their outsides. I do not know what's in another's heart, mind and soul ever. I do know now that, for me, my best chance at alignment between my head and heart is unconditional acceptance of others, no matter how different we may be. When I became aware that my way may not be the best or only way and separated my needs from my wants, I found a ton of clarity in who I was and who I wanted to be.
I am grateful that I've been able to practice recovery, see improvements and keep coming back. I'm grateful that I am better at trusting the God of my understanding and setting aside my wants, my will and my ego. I'm grateful that I've learned to practice forgiveness and have peace with all my relationships - present & past. Lastly, I'm grateful that I can accept that I and all others are made to be perfectly imperfect - nobody better/worse than another, just different.
Love and light all - golf cancelled --- feel like I need to build an arc!! I do love the smell of rain so it's good window weather. Make it a great day!
I do still struggle sometimes with that connection with my appearance/mindset and acceptance,
especially with AH and my parents. AH and my parents are such highly critical individuals that I,
at times, have to take a step back and refer to the Al-Anon program to level off on that anxiety.
Acceptance of those individuals, that they do not have any power over me, is the key
mindset that I tap into whenever I find that they are affecting me. It is my perspective and
reaction that drives my anxiety when it concerns them and the negativity they personify.
Thank you Al-Anon!!
However there is always after breakfast... hmmmm...???
...
Truly when I got into recovery and was around people who were equally committed I felt that I had found home
Now I know I am often struggling to find ways to relate
Home is a very different reality for mr today
I was supposed to be moving in the next few weeks. My schedule had been changed so I am kind of stuck. In the meantime I am waiting on one payment that will make a big difference to me.
So since there is a hole in my schedule I have had to fill it up with other work. So much for the move
Normally i would be on the ceiling with these developments. However these days since I am an adult I kist have to deal with it
Set backs used to just slay me
Now they are a bump in the road
Being calm and collected has a lot going for it. I know I really let a lot of people on edge when I became really upset. I had to depend on others to co regulate me.
That is not a good place to be
Disappointment was very difficult for me to deal with in the past. Now I have a better window of tolerance I can navigate through them. I am appreciative that life is no longer an uphill struggle.
For the next week or two I have to work every day because of the hole in my schedule. That is not something I am unfamiliar with. On one say I have to do one shift come home rest for two hours then go out and do another shift. I may be able to find a better alternative than that
I was really hoping with the changes in the pandemic by schedule would not have sudden holes in it
Making adjustments was st one time impossible for me. Now I am in a place where I take full responsibility for my life I have to manage these changes.
Managing them without getting lost in a sea of triggers is new for me. Nevertheless I am disappointed
Now my plans are on hold and this is not the first hold. I had to out then in hold at the beginning of the year
Patience is a learned exercise
Maresie