One of my core issues with the qualifier was his impulsivity. He reacted constantly. He was barely able to contain his emotions
There is a long list of things he did that brought chaos to my life:
1) Quit jobs
2) Lost jobs
3) spent money (lots of it)
4) Had car accidents (I lost count)
5) Stormed out and did not come out for days
6) started projects on the apartment bever finished them
7) made promises he did not keep
The list is long
I am at a point in a long process where I can make some changes in my life. I got to the point after a lot of planning and step by step negotiable actions. Waiting on some of those actions to come through has been beyond hard.
I have my own share of impulsivity which I have had to address. That impulsivity has cost me certain friendships that were very dear to me. It cost me emotionally and was a huge issue financially.
I am having to address that one reason I tolerated impulsivity in the qualifier was that I had my own share of impulsivity
The price for that behavior was very very high
I know people who are dysregulated who lash out at others and will not acknowledge it. When they get dysregulated they don't even know it because it is such a familiar state. Then when someone sets limits with them the gloves come off.
Dysregulation seems to be a chronic habit with them that does not feel uncomfortable.
I go out of my way to avoid such people. I go out of my way to not engage with them. That is not because I am above dysregulation. I am just not willing to take the brunt for other people's dysregulation any more
I do not believe it is judgment. It is self preservation. Self preservation is not something I had before now
Self preservation is the nucleus of having a secure base.
My own impulsivity had to be examined and grieved. That is an onerous task
Just because I have been impulsive in the past does not mean I have to bear the brunt for other people's impulsivity. In view those who are impulsive who act out, who lash out as completely untrustworthy and irresponsible to the max. That was and still is the qualifier.
Maresie
Lyne said
May 24, 2021
Maresie, I just read your list of 7 above. My first A had 5 our of the 7! He and I divorced many years ago.
My 2nd A has had the hostile, passive aggressive-type A behavior. Id say for the past 5 weeks, a nicer person is emerging due to As work with a sponsor in another program. Betty taught me not to have expectations, so Im not counting on a permanent change, but I am enjoying a more peaceful existence at the moment.
I relate to your life, as much of it has been mine. I wish peace and serenity for you in the days ahead. Lyne
Maresie888 said
May 24, 2021
Lynne .
The qualifier like other addicts I have known had no interest in recovery. None whatsoever. There was no bottom for him
Some people do indeed recover
I hope 2021 finds many benefits for you. Patience is indeed a real skill .
Every day I count how far I have come rather than where I used to feel I needed to be
Maresie
DavidG said
May 24, 2021
Maresie... my AF, my dad, got sober the day he died. I was by his side with family as he passed away. He left me with a couple of ripe phrases as he expired. One was about a race track.
Ma'am I won't steal your thunder by expanding in this share- more time for that later... ...
newnoz said
May 26, 2021
impulsivity
guilty as charged. A lot of people with substance abuse issues also have ADHD
I think a fair number in Al-Anon do too from my limited perspective.
This is just my humble opinion here. I see a lot of difficulty with cross-talk and advice-giving. I notice how difficult it is for me at times when I'm under more stress than usual. Business meetings are bad for me in that I find it hard to wait and I'm not sure if anyone knows I want to add my 2 cents.
this is better than me and the alcoholic screaming at each other. Amends sent all around today.
Hugs Nora
Maresie888 said
May 26, 2021
Nora
That is some good points. I have been disciplined ik mg myself lately in going to local council meetings. You get two.minutes to speak. That means you have to really be organized
I agree it is tremendous progress to not be in a state of dysregulation around the alcoholic.
Indeed many people spend their whole lives in a state of dysregulation. Imagine how hard that is on your body. Your body is having cortisol and adrenaline running through it all the time
Thank you for reminding me progress not perfection!!
Maresie
DavidG said
May 26, 2021
Lol Maresie... I have been getting along to council meetings lately... ...
One of my core issues with the qualifier was his impulsivity. He reacted constantly. He was barely able to contain his emotions
There is a long list of things he did that brought chaos to my life:
1) Quit jobs
2) Lost jobs
3) spent money (lots of it)
4) Had car accidents (I lost count)
5) Stormed out and did not come out for days
6) started projects on the apartment bever finished them
7) made promises he did not keep
The list is long
I am at a point in a long process where I can make some changes in my life. I got to the point after a lot of planning and step by step negotiable actions. Waiting on some of those actions to come through has been beyond hard.
I have my own share of impulsivity which I have had to address. That impulsivity has cost me certain friendships that were very dear to me. It cost me emotionally and was a huge issue financially.
I am having to address that one reason I tolerated impulsivity in the qualifier was that I had my own share of impulsivity
The price for that behavior was very very high
I know people who are dysregulated who lash out at others and will not acknowledge it. When they get dysregulated they don't even know it because it is such a familiar state. Then when someone sets limits with them the gloves come off.
Dysregulation seems to be a chronic habit with them that does not feel uncomfortable.
I go out of my way to avoid such people. I go out of my way to not engage with them. That is not because I am above dysregulation. I am just not willing to take the brunt for other people's dysregulation any more
I do not believe it is judgment. It is self preservation. Self preservation is not something I had before now
Self preservation is the nucleus of having a secure base.
My own impulsivity had to be examined and grieved. That is an onerous task
Just because I have been impulsive in the past does not mean I have to bear the brunt for other people's impulsivity. In view those who are impulsive who act out, who lash out as completely untrustworthy and irresponsible to the max. That was and still is the qualifier.
Maresie
My 2nd A has had the hostile, passive aggressive-type A behavior. Id say for the past 5 weeks, a nicer person is emerging due to As work with a sponsor in another program. Betty taught me not to have expectations, so Im not counting on a permanent change, but I am enjoying a more peaceful existence at the moment.
I relate to your life, as much of it has been mine. I wish peace and serenity for you in the days ahead. Lyne
Lynne .
The qualifier like other addicts I have known had no interest in recovery. None whatsoever. There was no bottom for him
Some people do indeed recover
I hope 2021 finds many benefits for you. Patience is indeed a real skill .
Every day I count how far I have come rather than where I used to feel I needed to be
Maresie
Ma'am I won't steal your thunder by expanding in this share- more time for that later...
...
impulsivity
guilty as charged. A lot of people with substance abuse issues also have ADHD
I think a fair number in Al-Anon do too from my limited perspective.
This is just my humble opinion here. I see a lot of difficulty with cross-talk and advice-giving. I notice how difficult it is for me at times when I'm under more stress than usual. Business meetings are bad for me in that I find it hard to wait and I'm not sure if anyone knows I want to add my 2 cents.
this is better than me and the alcoholic screaming at each other. Amends sent all around today.
Hugs Nora
Nora
That is some good points. I have been disciplined ik mg myself lately in going to local council meetings. You get two.minutes to speak. That means you have to really be organized
I agree it is tremendous progress to not be in a state of dysregulation around the alcoholic.
Indeed many people spend their whole lives in a state of dysregulation. Imagine how hard that is on your body. Your body is having cortisol and adrenaline running through it all the time
Thank you for reminding me progress not perfection!!
Maresie